8

The Truth About Speaking Up:
Your Voice Deserves to Be Heard

Any change, even a change for the better,
is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.

ARNOLD BENNETT

Wise words bring many benefits,
and hard work brings rewards.

PROVERBS 12:14

Ann and Barb had been friends for nearly a year. They attended the same church, enjoyed small-group fellowship together, belonged to a women’s Bible study, and spent a lot of time in each other’s company. Ann would call Barb almost every day and talk nonstop about her difficult marriage, problems with her grown children, and the pressures and stress of life. Barb was a good listener and a good friend. Sometimes Ann would drop by Barb’s house on her way somewhere, and they’d share a cup of tea and a few laughs or tears. Barb was always there for Ann, but Ann rarely asked Barb about her own life or difficulties.

Barb enjoyed Ann’s company immensely, but she was getting a little worn out. Ann’s problems overwhelmed Barb. She knew that she needed to have less drama and more space in her life for quiet solitude. She knew herself well enough to know that being busy and on the go all the time made her physically ill and emotionally vulnerable. Yet she never said anything to Ann when she dropped by unannounced or kept Barb on long phone calls. Barb didn’t want to hurt Ann’s feelings or upset their friendship. She didn’t want Ann to feel unloved.

I share this example because it is so typical. We can all identify with Barb’s dilemma. We start a new relationship and it feels great. Then over time, the friendship hits some snags, some awkwardness or difficulty. Yet we don’t say anything. We don’t express our feelings. The longer we wait, the more likely one of two things will happen: We will either get sick of keeping quiet (then emotionally explode all over our friend or distance ourselves from the relationship), or we will do nothing and become a martyr. Either way, we forfeit the blessings of a genuine mutual relationship.

When a relationship with someone lasts for any length of time, the involved parties form patterns, some healthy, others unhealthy. All relationships take on a shape. Once that shape has been established, changing it can be hard. For example, how difficult is it to speak to your parents about changing the traditional way of celebrating Christmas or Thanksgiving? Perhaps this year you’d like to do it at your house instead of packing up all the kids to take them to your parents’ house, but you’re too scared to approach them with this idea. They’d be hurt or offended. You don’t want to risk hurting their feelings to suggest a change.

Or perhaps your house is the place where all the neighborhood kids play. At first it was wonderful—you could supervise what was happening and get to know your children’s friends. But now some of your neighbors assume you’re the resident babysitter. They run to the store or go to the doctor while their kids are with you, and they don’t even tell you they’re leaving. Your house is always a mess. Your fridge is empty and the noise is driving you crazy. How do you resign from being the neighborhood mom without feeling unaccommodating or unloving or selfish?

Whenever we try to change the status quo of a relationship—better known as rocking the boat—we will face resistance (a little or a lot). We hate to do it because others may feel unhappy, uneasy, angry, or disappointed. They might attempt to stop us and return the relationship to the way it was. It’s important to know up front that when we initiate a change, we will need to press through this awkward and uncomfortable stage until a new pattern is established that everyone can live with. Sometimes that never happens. Others might be unwilling to change or stop doing what is upsetting. They might not want to compromise or negotiate to improve the relationship.

Even so, as we attempt to make new and healthier relationships (and discern potentially destructive ones), learning to speak up becomes essential. The longer we tolerate what is intolerable, the more difficult it will be to alter the relationship.

We cannot change or control another person, but as we mature, we can influence and invite them to change too.

Speaking Up

Many people find it impossible to speak up calmly and directly about what they don’t like. Like Barb did with Ann, we put up and shut up because we don’t want to upset anyone or have them think poorly of us—that is, until we’re so angry we don’t care anymore, and then we blow up. Then we feel guilty and ashamed and start the same dance all over again.

For us to grow and change, we must take responsibility for ourselves, understand our thoughts and feelings, face our fears, clarify in our own minds what our problem is, and gather our courage to speak up. God calls us to be peacemakers, not peacekeepers. As believers we are called to pursue peace, which may mean risking conflict in order to bring about a genuine peace (Psalm 34:14; Hebrews 12:14). It is not selfish to identify what you want or don’t want and to share those things with others when appropriate. That kind of authenticity is an element of good mental and emotional health. We become selfish only when we are inconsiderate of what other people want or need, or when we expect everyone to cater to what we want all of the time.

Barb began to understand that she found it hard to honestly share with people what she wanted or needed from them. She felt guilty setting any kind of personal boundaries. This was a problem she carried with her from childhood, when she was never allowed to express her desires or feelings. It was not Ann’s fault that Barb hadn’t established some boundaries, but now the pattern had been set in which Ann felt perfectly free to stop by Barb’s home without first checking out whether it was a good time for Barb. In addition, Barb felt hurt that Ann never asked about Barb’s life or how Ann might pray for her. Barb realized that she had allowed Ann to become somewhat dependent on her as the strong, spiritual one. She understood that she had fostered that dependency by not opening up and mutually sharing with Ann her own weaknesses and struggles. These were Barb’s problems, and she owned them.

As Barb reflected further, she realized that this pattern was rather typical of the way she related with other women. If she wanted to heal and grow, she would need to change. She always gave of herself to the point of exhaustion. Why was she afraid to say no? Barb feared rejection. She was afraid people wouldn’t like her if she didn’t give them what they wanted. And as she continued to reflect, she realized that she didn’t like herself very much. No wonder it was hard for her to believe that others would like her. Yet Barb deeply wanted to be different and change the way she and Ann related. For the sake of their friendship, Barb realized she needed to initiate a conversation with Ann about her problems and their relationship.

When to Speak Up

If you are the kind of person who doesn’t shy away from telling people what you think or how you feel about things, be careful not to speak without any reflection, prayer, or clear purpose. Venting to get something off your chest or tell someone off is never helpful to the other person, even if it makes you feel better for a time. The Bible warns us that “reckless words pierce like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18 NIV). Venting negative emotions without preparation can be very hurtful. Even speaking the truth to someone without having their good in mind can be destructive.

Before Barb approached Ann, she put a lot of thought and prayer into figuring out what she needed to say. If she had instead expressed anger in a moment of frustration and thoughtlessly said, “Why don’t you ever call me before you just drop by?” or “You know, you never ask me about what’s going on in my life. You’re so self-centered,” Ann would have rightly felt shocked, hurt, and confused. Barb never said these things bothered her before. Why now? Sometimes we create more problems because we don’t put enough time into clarifying for ourselves what exactly we want to say.

In addition, speaking up for ourselves may feel a little selfish, because the Bible tells us to be patient with one another’s faults (James 1:19; 1 Peter 4:8; 1 Thessalonians 5:14). We try not to make a big deal out of the problems. How can we know when we should continue to work on our patience or when we confront someone and speak up?

Often we need work on both areas. It’s always good to give others grace and not bring up every little bothersome thing. But when someone deeply offends you or repeatedly does something that is hurtful, sinful, or destructive to you, to them, or to your relationship, God says to speak up, not be “tolerant.” (See Leviticus 19:17, Matthew 18:15, and Luke 17:3 for some examples.)

Looking back, many individuals who have extricated themselves from destructive relationships said they saw the warning signs early in the relationship, but they didn’t know what to do or weren’t paying enough attention to their own feelings about the danger. Patty told me, “I was too afraid to speak up and risk a confrontation. I didn’t want to offend or hurt her. I was trying so hard to be patient and long-suffering that I allowed myself to be walked on.”

Nellie said, “I saw some warning signs, but I didn’t heed them.” She told me the story of a friendship that became like a scene from the movie Fatal Attraction. “I should have paid more attention and acted on my instincts earlier.”

Listen to your instincts. They too will help you to know when you need to speak up.

How to Speak Up

When you plan to speak with someone who has sinned against you or hurt you, approach that person with humility (Galatians 6:1). You may be justifiably angry or hurt, but you must first do the work that prepares your heart to remove the log in your own eye before you can safely tackle the speck that is in his eye. Most people find it difficult to respond positively to another person’s anger or constructive criticism, yet when you express your thoughts, feelings, and concerns with humility, your words are easier for the other person to take in (Psalm 141:5).

And that is the goal, isn’t it? We want others to hear us, to care about our feelings, and to work with us to mend our relationship. We can’t control how they will respond when we speak up, but we can make it more likely they will respond positively if we start our conversation with the right heart attitude.

Reading the signs. Barb told Ann she needed to speak with her about something important and asked her when it would be a good time for them to get together. Ann offered to come over right then. Barb gathered her courage and told Ann that it wasn’t a good time for her (she’d never said no before), but Ann insisted she couldn’t wait; she was coming right over.

Learn to pay attention. This was not a good sign. If you try to speak up even a little bit like Barb did when she told Ann, “No. Not now,” and the other person runs right over you, you will have to make a choice right on the spot. Are you going to let this happen, or are you going to speak up again, this time in a stronger tone? Don’t forget: When making a change in a relationship’s established pattern, the other person will try to pull you back into the old rut. Stay strong and resolute.

One of the characteristics of a destructive relationship is a regular disregard of the felt needs, feelings, or concerns of the other person, and an attitude that says, My feelings, needs, and desires always come first. If you choose not to confront this attitude of entitlement, the other person’s pattern of disregarding your feelings will continue.

It’s impossible to know if Ann ignored Barb’s feelings because she was fearful about what Barb planned to say and wanted to control the situation, or whether Ann was more selfish and didn’t really think or care about Barb’s feelings. Either way, Ann demonstrated she was not ruled by Christ or by his love in that moment. That’s why it was imperative Barb not let this go. If others don’t listen to you or respect your request, ask them why. Your speaking up gives them an opportunity right in the moment to observe their controlling behavior. This is not only good for you, it’s good for them. You are seizing an opportunity to love them well (Ecclesi-astes 7:5; James 5:19-20).

When Ann showed up at Barb’s door, Barb was tempted to pretend she wasn’t home. She wasn’t ready to engage in a discussion with Ann, especially now that she felt cornered and angry that Ann disrespected her wishes. But Barb again ignored her own feelings and reluctantly answered the doorbell. Again she told Ann that she wasn’t feeling well and that today was not a good time to talk. Ann marched right in as if she never heard Barb and insisted that Barb tell her what was wrong right now.

It is important to notice how controlling Ann is being in this moment. She is insisting Barb do things her way. Barb stayed passive, choosing again not to speak up and confront Ann’s controlling tactics. Instead of asking Ann to leave and to respect that this was not a good time, Barb became rattled and ended up saying some things she wished she hadn’t. Instead of talking to Ann in the manner she’d originally planned, she ended up accusing Ann of being controlling and uncaring. Ann flew into a rage. She said she now knew what kind of person Barb really was, then walked out. Their friendship dissolved.

Learning the lesson. Devastated, Barb took responsibility for her failure to stand firm with Ann when Ann rushed over to talk. She realized that her new resolve surprised Ann; naturally, Ann was going to react against that. Barb also realized that Ann was not as good a friend as she first thought. She wouldn’t listen to Barb, nor did she show concern for Barb’s feelings. In spite of the deep pain Barb felt, she matured through the experience by learning more about herself and how to discern destructive people.

I share this story because as you learn to become healthier, you may find that your old friends don’t like the new you. In the past you may have been drawn to people who are relationally or spiritually immature. You might be disappointed to discover that they are not as eager as you are to grow and to change. As you read once again the description from chapter 1 about what constitutes a healthy relationship, ask yourself, Are my friendships mutual, respectful, caring, and honest? Perhaps not as much as you’d like them to be. But when you begin to ask for those things, expect some people to feel surprised or even offended, saying, “What’s wrong with you?”

Keep in mind as you change, you’re changing your relational dance pattern. As you do this, your dance partner will resist and try to get you to stop, often by stepping on your toes. Try not to get defensive, but stay firm. Continue to state the problem and what you’d like to see different.

SUCCESSFUL CONFRONTATION

When you need to confront someone, begin the process by speaking up about your feelings or desires or what has hurt you. Here are a few tips that may make this kind of conversation more successful:

1. Plan your words (Proverbs 15:28). Try to use language that doesn’t attack the other person but rather states the problem with the other person’s behavior or attitudes. For example, “I feel hurt that you’re not hearing me right now, Ann,” rather than, “You’re not hearing anything I say,” or, “You never listen.”

2. Seek a mutually good time (Proverbs 29:20). Make sure you choose a time when both of you are rested and have the time to discuss the problem. When people are exhausted or distracted, it is more likely that they will resort to habitual patterns that are unhealthy or destructive.

3. Watch your body language and voice tone. This is very important. Approaching someone with humility doesn’t mean you should use a weak voice tone. At this level of confrontation, it is best to remain neutral in body language and tone, like you were asking someone to pass the salt and pepper at dinner. It’s best to be clear, firm, and gracious, not tentative, unsure, or emotionally volatile.

4. Listen to another perspective if the other person offers one. Allow the other person to share personal feelings or desires, but don’t get sidetracked. Don’t debate feelings or be talked out of your concerns. Restate them one more time.

Examples of Speak-up Dialogues

Learning to speak up takes practice and patience with yourself, and sensitivity to the uniquenesses of the particular situation. The following examples might help you to begin thinking about how you can best speak up.

1. Here’s what Barb might have said initially to Ann when she showed up at her door.

Ann, as I said on the phone, this isn’t a good time. I really don’t feel well today and don’t have the energy to talk in a constructive way. Can we do this tomorrow or whenever it is best for both of us?

If Ann still refuses, Barb will need to state the same thing but more firmly.

Ann, I said I’m not feeling well. This is not a good time for me. I can’t talk right now.

Once Barb is rested and they plan a time to talk, here is a sample of what Barb could say to Ann to invite her into a healthier, more mutual relationship.

Thanks, Ann, for coming. I appreciate it. I so value our friendship. You’ve been a lot of fun for me and I enjoy spending time with you. But I have a problem. Actually I’ve had it for a long time, but I just never told you about it and I need to. I tire easily and don’t have as much stamina as you seem to have. I need to take a lot of time out to rest and be quiet in order to function. I would appreciate it if you’d call me ahead of time the next time you’d like to stop by. Sometimes your visits don’t come at a good time for me, and I haven’t been completely honest. I also can’t continue our long phone conversations at night. How about I call you at night if I’m feeling up for it?

Barb should stop here and wait for Ann’s response. If it is positive and Ann is hearing Barb, then Barb can continue.

I’d like our friendship to deepen, and so I want you to understand some of my struggles. My health is one of them. Would you be willing to pray for me?

Again Barb should wait for Ann’s response. Barb is inviting Ann to care for her and is changing some of their old patterns. If Ann gets defensive or blaming, Barb must not engage in a debate over the validity of her requests, nor argue with Ann. She should simply restate her need:

Ann, I want our friendship to continue, but in order for it to do so in a way that’s good for me, I have to be honest with you about my limits.

Ann may need some time to think about Barb’s request because Barb is changing things between the two of them. When you make such changes, it’s important to give the other person some space to think it over, but if he or she continues to repeat the old patterns, disregarding what you have said, you will need to move to the next step of inviting healthy change, which is to stand up.

Before we talk about how to do that, let’s take another look at some of the previous examples of destructive relationships and speak-up dialogues that might invite healthy change.

2. Here’s how Terri might speak up to John about his attempts to teach her what is best (see chapter 1).

John, we need to talk. I’ve realized something about our relationship that’s taken me a long time to figure out. It feels to me like you are trying to change me into the person you think I should be. I have a problem with that. I want to be my own person with my own thoughts and ideas and feelings. I’m not the same as you are, and I don’t always want the same things you do. When you try to convince me I’m wrong or make fun of the way I do things, you disrespect and demean me, and I don’t like it one bit. It hurts and I’d like you to stop.

Terri should stop talking and wait for John’s response. He probably will become defensive or blame Terri. For example he might say, “I’m not doing anything wrong. You’re just too sensitive. Get over it.”

It’s Terri’s turn to show John exactly what he does. She should speak up again and say,

John, right now you’re disrespecting and demeaning me again. You’re telling me I’m too sensitive just because I’m not like you. I am sensitive, and I’ve tried for years to pretend that your insults don’t bother me, but they do. I’d like you to stop treating me like I’m less just because I’m not like you. I like the fact that I’m a sensitive person.

If John refuses or continues mocking her, then Terri’s next step will be to stand up.

3. Here’s an example of what Rita could have said to her parents, who regularly interfered with her marriage (see chapter 1).

Mom and Dad, I love you and I know you only want the best for me. But I’m a grown woman who is married, and I have a problem acting that way when you always tell me what to do. I don’t want to disrespect you, but it’s time you let go and let me live my own life. I want to make my own decisions with my new husband. If I want your opinion or advice, I’ll ask for it. I do value your perspective, but for now, I want you to stop interfering and let me try to think for myself. Will you do that?

Rita should stop here and allow them a chance to respond. If Rita’s parents agree to respect her wishes, she shouldn’t expect instant change. When we ask for a change, quite often people will agree to do what we ask but then quickly fall back into their previous patterns. When that happens, simply remind them of your new resolve and their commitment to change. Rita’s parents agreed to back off, but the next day they were again telling Rita what to do.

Mom, remember our conversation from yesterday? I told you I needed to learn to make my own decisions. If I want your and Dad’s advice, I’ll ask you for it. But for now, I’d like you to let me make my own decision as you previously agreed to do.

Rita might need to say this over and over again to whatever reasons they come up with for breaking their commitment. Her parents might argue, But Rita, we just thought…But Rita, we think you’re making a terrible mistake…

If Rita backs down now and allows her parents to interfere again, she resumes the old dance. She must keep restating her desire for change. If they continue to interfere and criticize her decisions even though they said they would stop, Rita will need to stand up.

4. Phil and Joanne were disappointed and unhappy with each other and justified their explosive anger and disrespectful comments (see chapter 1). Here’s how Phil might have initiated a healthy change.

I’m aware that I have not treated you very well lately. I’ve justified my meanness because of my hurt and disappointment in our relationship. But I do not like the person I’m becoming, and I also don’t think God’s very pleased with my heart right now. I want to grow and figure out a way to get along with you so that our marriage can be better for both of us. I know you’re not happy and I’m not happy either. I’m not sure what we can do next, but right now I’m willing to work on treating you with more respect and stop calling you names. Would you be willing to do that as well?

GET SAFE AND STAY SAFE

It is empowering to learn to speak up, but be careful. If you are being physically abused, or if you feel threatened even if you’ve never been touched, speaking up may result in more abuse (Proverbs 13:1). In addition to learning how to speak up, it may be time for you to make a plan to get safe and stay safe, period. Trust me: In cases of regular verbal, physical, or sexual abuse, your spouse cannot be talked into changing his or her ways. Nothing short of drastic action will wake him or her up. Please consult with a woman’s shelter or an abuse counselor with expertise in physically abusive relationships. It is beyond the scope of this book to wisely advise someone how to make a detailed safety plan that includes children. (See endnote 1 for helpful resources as well as “Resources for Further Help” at the end of the book.)

Phil should stop here and wait for Joanne’s response. In part, she will be watching him to see if his resolve is sincere. When Phil falls back to his old behavior, he must own it, confess it, and ask for forgiveness. That will demonstrate that he is taking responsibility for his part of the change and prove his commitment to the process. If Joanne agrees with Phil to work together on being more respectful of each other and she backslides, he should wait for her to ask for his forgiveness. If she fails or refuses, he can remind her of her commitment to change and see what happens. If she is not willing to work on her part of their destructive dance, Phil should continue to work on his part but may need to move to the next level by standing up.

5. Loretta wanted to know how to help her husband’s temper problem (see chapter 7). Once we clarified what Loretta’s problem was, she could speak up. If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship or are living with someone who has an explosive temper (but no physical abuse), your initial speak-up dialogue will very likely fall on deaf ears.

Here’s an example of what Loretta might say to her angry husband.

Sam, I love you and I want our relationship to work. You have many good qualities. You work hard, you are handy around the house, and I like your sense of humor, but there is something happening that is terribly upsetting to me. When you get angry, you lose control of yourself. You break things, smash my dishes, throw the kids’ toys, and scare us all to death. I can’t fix your problem for you. I know you’re hurting from some things in your past and the stress at work, but I don’t want to live like this anymore. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells around you. It’s stressful and unhealthy for me and the children. But it’s also unhealthy for you. I’d like you to get help for your problem.

The likely response Loretta will get is more anger or sulking self-blame that doesn’t actually lead to any change. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t say what she needs to say. However, Sam will probably attempt to get Loretta to back down by frightening her with his anger, or making her feel pity for him, which is his typical way to control Loretta.

She can’t control Sam’s temper, but Loretta can stop allowing his moods to control her. Anyone involved in an emotionally abusive relationship, as well as those involved in other forms of destructive relationships, will often have to move to the next step, which is to stand up.

In summary, to speak up effectively, follow these steps:

•  Pray

•  Prepare

•  Practice

•  Plan the time

•  Persevere

Start by praying. Ask God for the wisdom to speak the truth in love. Next prepare what you want to say and how you want to say it. Practice out loud as many times as necessary in order to feel like you can say what you need to the way you want to say it. Plan the time and place; make sure you’re safe when you say it.

Changing ourselves is difficult. Changing the dynamics of a relationship is even harder. Persevere. Don’t give up. Keep speaking. Even if you don’t receive a positive response from your partner, remind yourself that by changing your part, you are growing and becoming healthier and more mature. Then, if it’s necessary, learn how to stand up.