Today it is not difficult to find information and support for every topic imaginable. What can be confusing is having to sort through the maze of choices. Below are some resources that I have found useful in my work with those caught in destructive relationships. Some are Christian, while others are secular but still very helpful.
Don’t get overwhelmed into inaction because of the wealth of information available to you. Knowledge can be extremely helpful in determining a wise course of action, learning that your feelings are normal considering your situation, and discovering what works and what doesn’t. Above all, your most valuable resource will be your Bible. Read it often. It will give you comfort, guidance, and wisdom. It is a love letter from God to help you live well.
Recommended Reading List
Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Publishing Group, 2002. This is a terrific resource to help pastors and counselors understand the minds of abusive, controlling men and what needs to change in order for reconciliation to be possible.
Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend. Boundaries in Marriage. Zondervan, 2002. Written by Christian psychologists who explain what boundaries are and why they are important in any healthy marriage. Their other book, Boundaries, (Zondervan, 2002), also gives important guidance to those who feel guilty when they try to say no to people.
Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. Adams Media Corporation, 1996. This secular but very helpful book is written to help those who find themselves scratching their heads and wondering why they can’t seem to communicate effectively with their partners. Evans describes many types of verbal abuse and gives readers practical strategies on how to handle the controlling and verbally abusive person. I don’t find her section on the causes of abusive behavior as helpful as Bancroft’s book.
McDill, S.R. and Linda McDill. Dangerous Marriage: Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence. Spire Press, 1999. This is a small but helpful book for those in abusive marriages. Although primarily secularly trained, these authors provide good insight and advice directed specifically to Christians trapped in violent marriages.
Seamands, David E. Healing for Damaged Emotions. Chariot Victor, 1981. Readable and helpful Christian resource for those who have been emotionally wounded by others. Seamands helps readers identify the lies they’ve believed and how to break these lies’ emotional hold.
Silvious, Jan. Fool-Proofing Your Life: An Honorable Way to Deal with the Impossible People in Your Life. WaterBrook, 1998. Using the book of Proverbs, Silvious helps people learn how to recognize a fool and adopt strategies for being in relationship with one.
Vernick, Leslie. How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong. WaterBrook, 2001. Whether in big ways or small ways, when our spouses do things we don’t like, we often have a hard time responding to the behavior in a God-honoring way. This book helps the offended partner learn to see what God’s purpose is through the difficult seasons of marriage and why it is good for them to learn these lessons.
Welch, Edward T. When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency and the Fear of Man. P & R Publishing, 1997. This is an excellent Christian resource for those who continue to repeat unhealthy relationship patterns because they are too afraid of rejection or disapproval to speak up or stand up.
Phone Numbers for Information and Help
In an emergency, or if you are in danger dial 9-1-1.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-SAFE (7233)
800-787-3224 (TDD)
Staffed 24 hours a day by trained counselors who provide crisis counseling, safety planning, and assistance in finding local resources, shelters, and counseling. This resource is not limited to those experiencing physical violence but provides help for any type of destructive relationship.
Lighthouse Network
877-562-2565
This is a free hotline linking those struggling in abusive relationships (victim or perpetrator) and in need of treatment options for behavioral, emotional, stress, or substance abuse issues to Christian care/resources (or best secular if Christian not desired or available)—either outpatient counseling, inpatient, detox, or rehab.
Family Renewal Shelter
24-hour crisis line: 253-475-9010
National 24-hour crisis line: 888-550-3915
This Christian resource provides crisis help and safety planning for victims of abusive relationships. They also have limited shelter services for women and their children who are in high-risk situations.
Web Sites
Awake, Inc.
Offers various resources and biblical helps for recognizing and stopping destructive relationship patterns. See their abuse page, where you can download information on developing a safety plan if you are in a dangerous relationship.
The Black Church and Domestic Violence Institute
This organization works to develop partnerships and collaborations to provide educational, spiritual, and technical support as well as advocacy and leadership development; to enhance the capacity of the church to empower and protect the victims of domestic violence; to hold abusers accountable; to promote healing and wholeness in African–American communities.
Bridging the Gap
www.bridgingthegap.freeservers.com
Provides information, training support groups, and workshops for religious leaders and human-service professionals in preventing and addressing the issues of abuse, addiction, and domestic violence.
Christians in Recovery
www.christians-in-recovery.com
This site is a comprehensive resource for people recovering from abuse, family dysfunction, relationship problems, and pornography. It contains valuable information and resources to help you help yourself. A Members Only section offers private chat rooms, daily scheduled recovery meetings, e-mail groups, message boards, twelve-step Bible studies, and more.
FaithTrust Institute
FaithTrust Institute, formerly the Center for Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence, offers a wide range of services and resources, including training, consultation, and educational materials, to provide communities and advocates with the tools and knowledge they need to address the religious and cultural issues related to abuse. They are a multifaith organization.
Family Renewal Shelter
Family Renewal Shelter is a Christian humanitarian organization dedicated to bring healing, hope, and new life to victims of domestic violence. They have a crisis line as well as provide help to friends and families on what to say to both victims and abusers alike. They also provide limited shelter for those seeking refuge. Their sheltering services are limited to extremely high-risk victims of physical violence.
FOCUS Ministries
Focus Ministries is a Christian not-for-profit organization devoted to offering hope, encouragement, education, and assistance to women who are struggling in difficult circumstances, especially dysfunctional marriages, spousal abuse, separation, or divorce. Their locations are in the Chicago, Illinois, area and Madisonville, Kentucky.
Lighthouse Network
Christian ministry with the mission to help people develop better daily decision-making and relationship skills. Produces a bimonthly newsletter and much educational information to help people relate to God, others, and self in more healthy ways to achieve their God-given potential.
National Association for Christian Recovery (NACR)
This site seeks to equip the church with Christ-centered and outreach-oriented recovery strategies. NACR helps Christians integrate recovery with faith and provides support for those involved in the growing recovery network. The organization publishes Steps, a quarterly magazine containing information on Christian support groups, workshops, and conferences.
National Latino Alliance for the
Elimination of Domestic Violence
Provides resources for victims of abuse, advocates political action, and educates members of the local community.
PASCH
This organization sponsors conferences and specific helps to promote peace and safety in Christian homes. It has valuable information on developing a safety plan and offers free telephone consultation.
Shattered Men
This Christian interactive Yahoo! club deals with destructive and abusive relationships of all kinds, but specifically offers men opportunities to find support when they are the victims of these kinds of relationships.
Women’s Faith Force Ministry
www.womensfaithforceministry.org
This organization provides information for teaching, training, and educating people on the issues related to partner abuse.