Integration

He who loves practice without theory is like the sailor who boards ship without a rudder and compass and never knows where he may cast.

~Leonardo da Vinci

The Co-Active model rests on four key cornerstones, which provide a philosophical underpinning and a guiding theory for what it is to be Co-Active. Although originally developed to help explain and guide the Co-Active coaching relationship, these cornerstones also apply and can be used in every area of life. Individually, each provides a powerful frame for relating to others and ourselves, for helping with either differentiation, linkage, or both. Taken together, they are much more than a coaching philosophy. The cornerstones are both container and map for a masterfully integrated life.

The magic of the cornerstones is that they are rooted in a stand for our fundamental interconnectedness. While many may see this as a spiritual view, it is also one that is profoundly pragmatic and practical. In other words, it’s not necessary to see the Co-Active cornerstones through a spiritual lens in order to access their power. These are universal guideposts that provide the foundation for an effective life.

Chapter Three explored the concept of integration (the linkage of differentiated elements). In this chapter we’ll begin to look at what it takes to live an integrated life by examining the distinctions and importance of each of the four key cornerstones of being Co-Active:

1. People Are Naturally Creative, Resourceful, and Whole

2. Dance in This Moment

3. Focus on the Whole Person

4. Evoke Transformation

We’ll explore not only these cornerstones in depth, but also how each helps us connect more deeply with ourselves and one another, providing helpful direction for living a more integrated life.

I am larger and better than I thought. I did not know I held so much goodness.

~Walt Whitman

The first and most important of the four cornerstones is the fundamental belief that people are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. (This view certainly isn’t CTI’s alone, in fact, its roots trace back to psychologist Carl Rogers’ view of human development, and is echoed in many psychological and coaching disciplines.) Because this is the most foundational of the cornerstones, we will spend more time exploring what it means.

We believe all people are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. This cornerstone, however, involves far more than simply seeing the best in each other and ourselves. It is a fundamental view that people are inherently undamaged, capable, and inventive. They don’t need to earn or learn this status; it is innate.

Breaking this cornerstone down to its components, we begin with naturally. By this we mean that people are born whole and complete. Imagine a newborn baby. No matter what the circumstances, they are born as a full expression of life and have inherent value. This is not something we learn. Being naturally creative, resourceful, and whole is a state of our essence and a gift of our birth and humanity.

After naturally, we have creative. By this we mean that people are able to evolve, change, and grow. We are “response-able,” that is, able to respond to our surroundings rather than simply react; acting from choice rather than conditioning. We have a highly evolved prefrontal cortex, which means we are not limited by the reactivity of our mammalian and reptilian brains, which seek survival above all things. As humans, we can dream, imagine and create.

Next there is resourceful, meaning we are able to generate solutions to the challenges we face. We have within us what we need to be effective and to grow; we are “sufficient unto the day.”

And finally, whole. This is a primary choice of one’s personal perspective or worldview. Do we choose to see life as whole or as broken? Choosing wholeness helps to create order in a random universe. If our view is wholeness, we can see that things fit together on some level. As studies in chaos theory have shown, patterns emerge from seemingly random events when one steps back far enough and has enough data. Holding this cornerstone means that even if we can’t see wholeness, we trust it’s there.

This is a profoundly respectful and empowering way to view human beings, and key to integration because we are differentiating (others and ourselves) as whole, complete, undamaged, and unbroken. And, as we saw in Chapter Three, differentiation supports and allows space for powerful linkage. When we see ourselves as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole, we can link with another from a place of completeness and strength—not from a codependent place because we are hoping the other will fix or save us, and not from an overly independent place because we are afraid they will intrude. And, of course, the same is true when we hold another as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. We can allow them to link with us from their innate wholeness, dancing with what you have to offer and celebrating what is different while remaining connected.

It’s important to note that this cornerstone calls for a clear distinction between fundamental essence and behavior. It’s true that people do awful things and have awful things done to them. We can become separated from our naturally creative, resourceful, and whole self. And yet this is like the sun going behind the clouds; we know it is still there even though it’s obscured from our view. In most of life, we have been taught to interact with people’s behavior, judging and evaluating them based on what they do, rather than looking for their essence underneath it all. Holding the cornerstone of naturally creative, resourceful, and whole calls us to engage with people at the level of their essence while having appropriate boundaries for their behavior when needed.

A powerful example of this comes from CTI’s work in a federal prison in Littleton, Colorado. In 2004, twenty-six male inmates participated in Co-Active coach training. From the beginning they were taught about—and held as—naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. When the cornerstone was introduced in the first class, they rolled their eyes. They knew they were broken. After all, the majority had been viewed as problematic their whole lives—starting early on with being “naughty” then moving on to being juvenile delinquents and finally becoming defined as criminals.

However, in the CTI classes the leaders pushed them to discover what they could do, and didn’t back off or take care of them when they blustered, resisted, or shut down. When one leader was moved to tears, a big guy in the back of the room said gruffly, “You can cry all you want, I will not be doing any crying.” But later, during an acknowledgment exercise, he and others found they had tears in their eyes, deeply moved by the process. For most, it was the first time they had ever been seen as human beings separate from their behavior.

The leaders insisted that they find the naturally creative, resourceful, and whole human being in each other. And, as one leader later reported, “they turned to this like sunflowers turn to the sun.” By the end of five three-day workshops on coaching, profound changes occurred in the ways the inmates saw each other and themselves. Possibilities other than fighting and dominance emerged and a culture of peer coaching and conflict resolution, rather than escalation, began to be part of the norm.

Even apart from the extreme example of prison inmates, it’s true that in most cultures we are not socialized to view each other or ourselves as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. We are generally taught that people are flawed, sinful, and damaged, in need of fixing or changing. We are trained to spot the problem and solve it. At best, this leads to a desire to be overly helpful, taking on other people’s problems as our own; at worst, it can lead to exclusion and damaging judgment, leaving people feeling they can never measure up or be good enough to fit in.

Holding people naturally creative, resourceful, and whole is a radical act, one that liberates both them and ourselves. Stephanie is a single mom who adopted two boys on her own. These brothers came to her from the foster care system when they were six and sixteen. The older brother was failing in high school and carrying the impact of fetal alcohol syndrome. By the time he was eighteen, she had fairly low expectations for him: “I just want him to stay out of jail and get some sort of job,” she shared. That year, while he did graduate, he and his girlfriend also became pregnant. And so Stephanie, not quite forty, became a grandmother. Stephanie had taken some classes in Co-Active principles and was doing her best to live them in her day-to-day life. She was able to sit calmly with her son and his girlfriend, helping them explore their options and make plans that worked for them. While the rest of the family got lost in judgment and drama, Stephanie found that she was able to stay present and focused on what mattered: helping her son and his girlfriend figure out how to be young parents to the best of their ability.

Reflecting on her son and the situation, she says, “The only thing that has gotten me through this is remembering that Darton is naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. My job is to love him, support him, and provide resources if he wants them. It’s not my job to live his life.” By lessening the overall drama and keeping close ties between all the parties involved, more than two years later she has been able to contribute to a caring and stable environment for the young child, who is now a toddler doing great, surrounded by a loving family on all sides.

Andrea also found that holding people naturally creative, resourceful, and whole was powerful in her work relationships. “I’m a nice Midwestern girl at heart,” she shared. “I am well-trained to be self-deprecating and not to cause any trouble. When I learned about people being naturally creative, resourceful, and whole, I started realizing how often I turned down offers of help. For example, instead of gratefully accepting when one of my colleagues says they can help out during a time I am really pressed, I always say, ‘Oh, thanks, I can do it,’ because I know they are busy too. One day I had a real aha moment, and I saw that maybe people wouldn’t offer if they didn’t want to! So now, instead of the battle where I make sure I am not causing a problem before I accept any help, I just tell myself to say thank you and trust that if they didn’t actually want to help me, they wouldn’t offer. And you know what? Life is smoother, easier, and my colleagues and I are a better team now that I can gracefully accept their support. It’s like my being willing to say, ‘Yes, you can help,’ has changed the way we interact, so I am leaning more on them and they are also leaning more on me.”

As Andrea realized, it’s all too common that we don’t ask for help or tell each other the truth because we feel we are somehow protecting them. But when we do this, we stay separate from each other rather than build the authentic trust all effective relationships require.

Andrea offers a simple but powerful example of how we can differentiate and link by holding others naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. She was able to differentiate by honoring that they are being authentic when they offer to help, and then link by accepting that help. By worrying about being a burden, she was actually creating separateness. By trusting that others can make their own decisions, for which she is not responsible, she can link.

In being Co-Active, we do not see people as broken or deficient, and this is critical to how our brains engage with other people’s brains. First of all, when we hold ourselves and others as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole, we level the playing field. We don’t position ourselves as higher or lower, smarter or stupider, more or less developed. This is important because the brain is highly reactive to perceived threats to status. Research by emotional intelligence expert Richard Boyatzis and colleagues found that when participants in a study were evaluated by others and therefore risked a reduction in status, their cortisol levels (an indicator of stress) remained higher for 50 percent longer. And when the brain is influenced by the chemicals associated with stress, it is less creative and less able to think of long-term solutions.

When we stand in the cornerstone of holding others naturally creative, resourceful, and whole there is no judgment or evaluation in any given relationship—whether it is with another or with ourselves. This allows people to remain open to input and more able to access their own unique creativity. Holding people naturally creative, resourceful, and whole means we ask rather than tell, are curious rather than judgmental, and assume that ultimately everyone can find their own solutions and make their own choices.

It’s also interesting to note there is substantial evidence that expectations shape experience. If we truly see someone as whole, we will look for (and find) evidence of this wholeness. Just as we begin to notice red Toyotas everywhere after we’ve purchased one, what we are “primed” to see influences what we notice, remember, and put our attention on.

There is a classic example of this in an experiment from the sixties by a professor from Harvard University. Teachers in an elementary school were told some students were “late bloomers” and that they were about to have a dramatic improvement in their academic abilities. In reality, the kids were randomly selected and were no more special or different than their classmates. But at the end of the year they had not only performed better in the eyes of their teachers, they also scored significantly higher on standardized IQ tests. In other words, what the teachers expected had a significant impact on how the students performed.

In business, this same phenomenon is sometimes called the Pygmalion effect because of the 1988 Harvard Business Review article, “Pygmalion in Management,” by J. Sterling Livingston. In this groundbreaking essay, which looks at the evidence for the ways in which expectations shape performance, Sterling says quite directly, “The way managers treat their subordinates is subtly influenced by what they expect of them.”

Holding people naturally creative, resourceful, and whole also means we don’t have to take on their problems. This is one of the things coaches most often encourage people to embrace as they fret and worry about what to do about this person or that person, what will happen if they do or don’t say this or that, and so on. We’ll ask them, “What if your mother, son, friend, or employee were naturally creative, resourceful, and whole? What if it wasn’t your job to fix anything?” And while this is often an unusual idea for some people to get their heads around, we start seeing stress and worry decrease as they are able to embrace it. More than just a philosophy of coaching, holding people as naturally creative, resourceful and whole is a powerful way of engaging with day-to-day life.

In each section, we will provide a set of tips and tools for you to use to bring this cornerstone more fully to your life. Because everyone learns and integrates differently, we’ve given you some options ranging from things to ponder to structured activities. The tips and tools sections are divided as follows:

1) A Few Things to Think About. The title says it all—simply some things to think about. There is nothing in particular you need to do (although you might find yourself discussing or even journaling about the topic if you feel like it). You may also find that a shift in thinking inspires new actions.

2) A Few Simple Things to Do in your Day-to-Day Life. These are things you can do without a lot of extra effort as you go through your day-to-day life—easy ways to integrate the cornerstone into your daily activities.

3) Exercises for Developing this Cornerstone. These are more focused ways you can intentionally build the muscle of the cornerstone. In this section, we provide structured activities and instructions. We hope you’ll find time to try a few!

Tips and Tools for Cornerstone One: Holding people as naturally creative, resourceful and whole

• Naturally creative, resourceful, and whole is about letting go of our judgments and opinions, desire to control, and our need to fix everything. What would happen if you took your hands off the steering wheel and let go? What might open up?

• When people are facing a big challenge, it’s more powerful, useful, and motivating when they find their own solutions. When we believe in someone else, it is about them, and it can take courage on your part to trust that they will be OK. How can you find the courage to let those you care about find their own way?

• We all have indicators/cues for when we have slipped into not holding people as naturally creative, resourceful and whole, and it’s helpful to know what our own are. Think about whether you do any of the following:

• Get irritated and or frustrated by what you perceive as “bad” choices or decisions by others

• When you feel worried or overwhelmed by the problems of the people around you, take a moment to visualize these burdens like a bag you are setting down gently on the ground. Notice the relief of this new lightness and freedom.

• Open-ended questions are a powerful tool for engaging creativity in others. When you are about to give advice, here are a few questions you can try instead:

• Acknowledgement can help people take a larger view of themselves. Make a habit of telling people things like:

Note: We can only hold others naturally creative, resourceful and whole to the degree that we see ourselves this way, so you might also try this on yourself!

• Pick a relationship in your life where you are frustrated or feel burdened. How might you be failing to hold this person as naturally creative, resourceful and whole? What might you say or ask for if you did? Make a list of three new actions that you will take in this relationship based on holding the other person naturally creative, resourceful and whole. What shifts between you?

• Find a “naturally creative, resourceful and whole” buddy to help you stay connected to this cornerstone. One organization we know of that embraced being Co-Active actually started a monthly “naturally creative, resourceful and whole” lunch club, where they talked about the challenges and progress they were having with peers, employees, partners and families.

Why not just live in the moment, especially if it has a good beat?

~Goldie Hawn

The second cornerstone is the commitment to dance in this moment. Being Co-Active stands on the dedication to being fully present in the here and now, open and flexible and ready to respond. Dancing in this moment means letting go of the past, which we cannot change, and also resisting the urge to send our energy to the future in the shape of needless worry and fear. As Mark Twain so wisely said, “My life has been filled with terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.”

Dancing in this moment truly requires standing on the hyphen between “Co” and “Active.” We need to be aware of what is emerging and how we are feeling, moving toward inspired action from that point. When we dance in this moment with another person, we honor the energy of what is right here, right now. This is the only way to connect on the deepest level, because we are not dancing with who they once were in the past, or should be in the future, but rather with who they actually are, right now.

Thus, it’s clear that this cornerstone is a key aspect of linkage, but it is also important to differentiation. To dance in this moment means seeing and knowing someone (or ourselves) as what is present now. When we see others or ourselves as someone in the past or future, we create a phantom or a mask with whom to link, not a true, complex, and emergent human being.

To dance in this moment means life develops without a program or script. Instead, we’re called to follow the movement of what is occurring in each moment, staying connected and flowing with the ups and downs of any situation.

Dancing in this moment means looking for an opportunity to create rather than being constrained by circumstances. Jeff was the founder and CEO of a medium-sized business in the service industry. The economic downturn of 2008 found his company hit hard, and he faced losing it all. His CFO advised laying off 25 percent of the workforce in order to stay afloat. Jeff reluctantly wrote a speech announcing the layoffs, dreading having to give his loyal workforce such terrible news, but trusting his CFO that it was the only way. But when he got up to the podium to give the speech, he found he couldn’t. He looked out at the people who had helped build his company, and threw his carefully prepared talk away. “I knew it was the ‘right’ thing to do, the practical thing,” he reported. “But it just didn’t sit well with me. There were no other jobs in our industry at the time—what were those people going to do? I literally felt sick to my stomach when I thought of letting a quarter of them go. And I was afraid that if we did the layoffs we’d lose forever the positive, effective culture we’d created over the years.” So instead of giving the prepared speech, he sat on the edge of the stage, looked out at the expectant crowd, and asked himself, what’s needed here, right now?

Jeff connected with the crowd and openly told them the truth of the situation. “I told them where we were and what we needed in order to survive. And I listened to them. I didn’t have a clue what I was going to do, but as we talked the idea came to me that maybe we could do pay cuts for everyone, and achieve the same results.” Jeff stepped into the moment and opened his heart, and in relationship with his workforce, found a new way. The staff embraced the pay cuts, and the company made it through the downturn. “Now that the economy has improved, our business is stronger than ever,” Jeff said. “I wouldn’t have thought of that solution on my own—I would have assumed no one would go along with it. But together, well, something became possible I couldn’t have done alone.”

Jeff danced in this moment in an incredibly difficult situation. Instead of reacting from fear, he was present in the moment and looked at the reality of the circumstances in terms of what was possible. When we are open to possibilities, we are far more effective. We can’t dance with problems—they make us want to move away, create distance from what is uncomfortable. This makes us victims of the circumstances of our lives. Dancing in this moment means patiently embracing and holding circumstances as possibilities, while being open to where things might go.

There is classic Chinese teaching story about a man and horse we think beautifully illustrates the power—and challenge—of dancing in this moment. A farmer has a beautiful horse, the envy of all his neighbors. One night, it runs away. The neighbors say, “Oh, that is terrible, you lost your horse!” And the man says, “Who knows what is good and what is bad? We’ll see.”

A week later, the horse comes back, and he has with him a lovely coal-black mare. The neighbors say, “Oh, you are so lucky! What good fortune to have two horses instead of one!” And the man says, “Who knows what is good and what is bad? We’ll see.”

The man’s son loves to ride the mare, who is wild and fiery. One day, they are galloping across a field, and the horse shies away from a snake. The son is thrown off and breaks his leg quite badly. The neighbors say, “Oh that is terrible! You must rue the day that horse came to your farm!” And the man says, “Who knows what is good and what is bad? We’ll see.”

Shortly thereafter, the army comes through town, conscripting all the young men for a terrible bloody war that is waging in the east. The man’s son is spared due to his disability. The neighbors again cry, “Oh, you are so lucky!” And the man says, “Who knows what is good and what is bad? We’ll see.”

Dancing in this moment requires this sort of “we’ll see” attitude. It also calls us to stay aware of the why of what we are doing, something many of us don’t question nearly enough.

A study was once done with a group of monkeys. They put them in a cage with a bunch of bananas out of reach and a ladder underneath the bananas. Of course, one of the monkeys immediately went to climb the ladder to get the bananas, but as he did, the experimenter sprayed him with cold water, while also spraying those sitting on the floor. Another monkey tried, and she was sprayed as well, as were all the others. Very quickly the monkeys learned that climbing the ladder meant being cold, wet and miserable, so they simply stopped trying to get the bananas.

After a while, the researchers replaced one of the monkeys with a new monkey, who, spotting the bananas, went to climb the ladder. The other monkeys pulled her off right away. When another new monkey was brought in and attempted to reach the bananas, all the monkeys pulled him off, including the one who had never been sprayed.

This went on, with the researchers switching out old monkeys for new. Each new monkey quickly joined in the behavior, even though there was no longer any punishment. After a while, the original monkey group was entirely gone, and all there were left were monkeys who had never experienced the cold water. And still, they pulled each new monkey off the ladder as they attempted to reach the bananas.

This metaphor of monkeys shunning the ladder shows up in our day-to-day lives. Karen recently saw she was doing it in certain areas herself. “I was doing it in the way I manage people at work, for example, our performance reviews. We’ve always followed standard procedures, but honestly I hate them, and it never occurred to me to question whether there is another way. I was just going along with the way you’re ‘supposed’ to do it, without ever questioning whether it is truly effective.”

As Karen realized, once you stop and ask why, the context expands and there is more meaning in everything you are doing. How many of us do things the way we always have, or the way someone else does, without questioning whether it actually makes sense? To dance in this moment means staying present in the now, embracing curiosity rather than simply accepting “that’s the way it is.”

Dancing in this moment is also about presence and attention, and there is evidence that our presence has a profound effect on others. According to research by the Institute of HeartMath, “a subtle yet influential electromagnetic or ‘energetic’ communication system operates just below our conscious awareness… (and this) field plays an important role in communicating physiological, psychological, and social information between individuals.” HeartMath has found that these fields impact each other. Over time, a more organized and stable field will positively impact a less “coherent” one. In other words, just as metronomes set ticking at different beats will align themselves to the same tempo, our hearts naturally synch with each other.

When we dance in this moment—being present, flexible, and open—we bring a greater sense of coherence to the energetic field that surrounds us. This impacts those around us in positive ways that are not in conscious awareness, bringing a sense of calm and presence. When we dance in this moment, it’s common for people to say things to us like, “I always feel so much better just talking to you.”

Gregory is a supervising emergency room doctor who is working to create a Co-Active culture on his team. One of the tricks he has created for dancing in this moment is what he calls “Purell moments.” “I saw that one thing we do all the time in a hospital setting is to use the Purell sanitizers,” he said. “During stressful times, I started to simply be present in the moment each time I used one. Just focusing on what I was doing—even for an instant—immediately made me a little calmer and able to carry on in a more effective way. I realized it was particularly helpful when I was dealing with a difficult person. I could maintain my center and we got through things much more easily.”

Gregory taught the nurses and aides this simple technique, and it began to be a habit with almost everyone. “You’d see a nurse come out of a patient room, use the Purell, and take a deep breath. One day I was in a meeting with other areas of the hospital and the OR people said to me, ‘Hey, what’s going on down in Emergency, anyway? You guys are so much easier to deal with these days.’ I know this simple trick of being more present in the moment has made a huge difference for everyone.”

Research in the field of mindfulness also points towards many more benefits of being present, focused and attentive. For example, according to a recent Scientific American article, a 2012 study found that presence may actually be linked to longer life. People who have a greater propensity toward mind wandering were found to have shorter telomeres at the end of their chromosomes than those who tended to stay more in the present. And shorter telomeres are associated with shorter cell life. In essence, dancing in this moment may not just be more effective, it may literally lengthen our lifespan!

In addition, according to brain expert Daniel Siegel, the process of having “collaborative, contingent conversations” that are emotionally attuned and non-directive builds positive neural connections in the brain. These conversations are similar to the best relationships of early development, when a primary caregiver is responsive and open to the needs of a child. There is a give and take in this dance of affection and love, which creates an ideal container for learning and growth. While being Co-Active with each other is by no means an attempt to re-parent, according to research, connected conversation with someone who is present and open cannot help but have a positive impact on the brain.

• When a problem comes up (and of course they will!), try looking for the opportunity or even the blessing it holds. A shift in thinking like this is a proven stress-reliever and can open up powerful creativity.

• Think about your own “monkey on the ladder” beliefs and behaviors. Instead of just going along with “the way it’s always been done,” ask yourself why—for the sake of what? This will allow you to be more present to what’s needed now.

• If you don’t already have one, create a habit of being more present. It’s okay to start small. One person we know wrote a large “P” in nail polish on her shampoo bottle, which reminded her to simply be-here-now in the shower every day. She reported that she was then able to expand this into being more present in every moment, especially when circumstances were more challenging.

• Sometimes we have habits that take us out of engaging with the present moment. For example, those of us who tend to think out loud may jump in prematurely without paying close attention to what is being said. Try going into your next meeting practicing listening longer before responding. Those of us who process internally, on the other hand, may tend to wait until the moment is past. Try going into your next meeting with a commitment to blurting more quickly. See what happens.

• Here is a simple practice for being more present that you can do at any time, whether you’re driving in the car or sitting in a meeting. Just focus for a moment on each of these three things:

• Pick a relationship where you tend to get triggered into old patterns or behaviors. Here are some helpful questions to journal about:

What is the story I tell myself about this relationship and why it is hard/difficult etc?

What is the evidence that I have collected to support my story (examples of behaviors the other person has said or done)?

• Next time you are with this person, practice “find your feet, find your seat, find your breath” and journal about what happens in your relationship.

I realized that I had screwed up my life living different parts of my life in different places. I wasn’t whole. I wasn’t integrated. I wasn’t a complete person.

~James McGreevey (former Governor of New Jersey)

The third cornerstone is focus on the whole person. When we relate to the entire heart, mind, body, and spirit of those around us, rather than focusing on individual aspects, we then see them as more than the sum of their parts, the role they play, or labels they’ve been assigned (CFO, dad, dyslexic). We can understand and respect them as the entire, complex beings that they are. And for ourselves, focus on the whole person means tapping into the wealth of data and information available to us from our whole being, not just our rational brain.

We often tend to interact with each other in a “role-to-role” way: boss to employee, parent to child, doctor to patient, etc. But inside every role-to-role relationship, there are two complex, layered, and even contradictory human beings. (Again we are reminded of the Walt Whitman quote, “Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.”) And so, we tend to try to fit our multitudes into these narrow roles as required, which not only is ultimately soul-numbing and frustrating, it limits creativity, innovation, and effectiveness.

Roles are essential for a healthy infrastructure—it’s important to know who does what—but when we are only roles the complexity gets lost. Focus on the whole person calls us to extend our understanding well beyond the convenience of simple labels and roles and see ourselves and each other as the complexity we are—a complexity that includes whatever role we may be filling in the moment.

It’s an uncomfortable truth that we tend to want people to be like us, so we often try to get rid of behaviors and ideas that are counter to our own. In doing this, we lose in creativity what we gain in so-called efficiency, and risk, as the monkeys earlier illustrated for us, doing things that don’t work over and over again without questioning. In conformity we become less efficient. The power is, again, in the linkage of differentiated parts. Focus on the whole person is about understanding that each person’s wholeness is their own differentiation, and this is the gift they bring to the enterprise.

For ourselves, focus on the whole person is a reminder to listen to the many voices within. Our rational mind has wisdom, but so do our body and spirit, and they are valuable allies and resources as well. Jane is an interesting example of this. A long-time independent consultant, she recently took a job working for a company three days a week. While the tasks were similar to those she performed as a consultant, the experience of working in a windowless office with colleagues who were often frustrated and negative quickly began taking its toll.

She reflected, “My brain keeps telling me this is fine, look at the good money you are making, look at the interesting work in front of you. But my body is miserable. I have a cough, I seem to keep injuring myself, and I am tired all the time.” After only three months of trying her hardest to be “rational” about the job, she finally decided her body might be wiser in this area than her brain. “I can tell myself I am happy, but my body knows I’m not. It’s time to listen.”

Neuroscience teaches us that we are amazingly complex and multilayered beings—and the more we can integrate and be agile with this complexity, the better. While in the past, the argument may have been for developing one aspect over another (for example, the heavy emphasis on rationality and logic over emotion and intuition in business), there is evidence from current research that the most emotionally intelligent and effective people are those who can use the gifts of different parts of their brain together effectively.

For example, research by Richard Boyatzis and others at Case Western Reserve University used functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI, aka “brain scans”) to look at the brain states of both leaders and their teams. They found that leaders who created the most emotionally open and “resonant” state in their followers had more brain integration themselves. That is, more areas of their brain fired—including both the right and left hemisphere—in coordinated ways than in the brains of less effective leaders.

This cornerstone points to integration within the self—honoring and harmonizing every aspect of our being. Those of us who tend toward the relational side also need to be able to move things forward in an “active” manner. And even the most driven among us need their “co” aspects that point toward relationships, meaning, and presence.

As in all things, the more we integrate our own complex qualities and attributes, the more we can help others do so as well. As we saw in Chapter Three, integration releases us from polarity thinking, from holding things in the either/or paradigm that leads to separation. The cornerstone of focus on the whole person speaks to seeing each other—and also, as always, ourselves—as this and that, not this or that.

Focus on the whole person also means not dealing only with the presenting issue. It calls us instead to look further than fixing the problem, to also explore thoughts and feelings, and give voice to intuitive gut reactions. This kind of attention literally helps integrate different parts of the brain, which opens up new solutions and creativity, and also builds lasting connections that can be used for future problem-solving.²

Another aspect of this cornerstone is the ever-present challenge for many of us regarding work-life balance. As a manager or supervisor, the cornerstone of focus on the whole person means understanding people as more than cogs in the wheel of productivity, and honoring the fact that each of us has multiple roles that call for our attention. We are employees, bosses, daughters, sons, parents, piano players, artists, hikers, and cat-lovers. A Co-Active manager knows a balanced and fulfilled employee will be more engaged and ultimately more productive.

For example, Mandy works for a large international company. She is deeply dedicated to her job in human resources, which involves a great deal of training and one-on-one work with employees. The company has been working to create a Co-Active culture, and Mandy and her manager Eduardo have very much embraced this. “I really trust him,” Mandy reported recently. “The other day, I told him that I love what I am doing, but the one-to-one work is exhausting. When I’ve had four employees in a row in for counseling, I am beat. He not only understood and empathized, he actually told me to take a nap if I needed to! He said he knows what an amazing job I am doing, and he wants me to be able to continue. If taking a nap keeps me from burning out, then that’s what I should do. I feel like he sees me as so much more than just what I can do for him or the company, and you know, in today’s corporate world, that’s kind of rare.”

Another example of this comes from Martin, who worked in a large nonprofit that was undergoing expansion. A new coworker was hired at his level, and from the start they butted heads. He felt she was overly critical in meetings, and didn’t honor the context of where the organization had been. He began to regularly gossip and complain to another coworker, and the two of them quickly found they were creating an “us” and “them” club, where the new coworker was left out.

At one point, Martin realized he was spending a lot of energy on negativity toward this person. “When Rachel (the other coworker) and I would go to lunch, all we would talk about was what annoying thing Debbie had done that day,” he said. “To be honest, it was sort of fun, but I’d come back to my desk ramped up and churning. One day I realized I’d made her into sort of a caricature. Plus, I was being a jerk. So Rachel and I made a deal to stop gossiping for three months, and to our credit, we honored it. For me, it wasn’t even really about Debbie—I just didn’t want to be such a negative person any more.”

During the three months of not talking about Debbie, both Martin and Rachel noticed that somehow she became less annoying. One day, Martin and Debbie found themselves both leaving the building to take a walk over lunch, and without much thought, Martin invited her to walk with him. “I found out so much on that walk,” he said. “This person I had spent my time complaining about was actually kind of funny. And she was really smart, which I had never given her credit for. But more important, I learned that she was just getting over a difficult custody battle and was caring for an aging parent, both of which had sapped her energy. She even said, with no prompting from me, that she felt she hadn’t made a very good first impression! From that day forward, she was a completely different person to me, and when she was critical in meetings, I listened for the contribution she had instead of writing her off. She always had amazing ideas, and when I was connected instead of judging her, I saw that her perspective was usually just what we needed.”

Lou even practiced focusing on the whole person with his daughter. He was cooking dinner, and Alberta, age four and a fussy eater, had agreed to try mushrooms with her spaghetti. She asked for them to be room temperature, and Lou’s immediate response was to say no, just eat your dinner, we don’t have time to let the mushrooms cool down. “Then I realized that when I cook for myself, I make things just the way I want them and never question my right to have preferences,” he said. “But with my daughter, as much as I intend to let her find her own way, there are still times I find myself just wanting her to follow the plan. In this case, when I had that aha, I stopped myself from just saying no outright and told her that she had every right to ask for things the way she wanted them, but tonight we were in kind of a hurry so there wasn’t time to let the mushrooms cool, so would it be okay to eat them warm? Instead of the usual resistance and battle, she just looked at me and said, ‘Okay, Dad,’ and ate them. I am seeing the value of always viewing her as a whole person, even though I know I have a certain role to play as her parent. And it is so much easier and more fun this way.”

There is a story by spiritual teacher Anthony De Mello, from his book Awakening: Conversations with the Master. “One day the Master was asked, ‘What do you want your daughter to be when she grows up?’ He replied without blinking an eye, ‘Outrageously happy.’”

• It’s normal to compare ourselves to others, and at times this can even be inspiring, but far too often comparison leaves us feeling that we personally are lacking. Begin to notice your automatic comparisons—whether positive (I am better than so and so) or negative (I am not as good as so and so). The act of comparing ourselves to others only serves to increase our sense of separation. In terms of focusing on the whole person, the truth is, we are all lacking in some areas and gifted in others.

• Ask yourself who you tend to think of as primarily their role, or one personality trait, or even as a sort of caricature. What would happen if you were curious about other aspects of their being?

• Instead of telling yourself, “I should be more like so and so,” practice saying, “While I am good at many things, I would like to expand my own capacity for ______________” (whatever you admire in the other person).

• When someone is annoying you (for example, in a meeting), practice imagining all the competing roles they are playing. The more you actually know about them, the easier it is to do this.

• As simple as it may seem, one of the easiest ways to build the “muscle” of this cornerstone is to simply get to know people. If there is someone in your life with whom your relationship is strained or difficult, get to know them. Find out their story and discover who they are beneath the surface they present. One of our friends took on something she called “the go to lunch project.” Whenever she felt a lack of connection, irritability or judgment with or about someone in her workplace, she took them to lunch and asked them about their lives. Each time, she felt the negative emotions ease and workflow improve.

• When you need or want to make a decision, try using this diagram as a way to bring in the many aspects of yourself.

Take three deep breaths and let each one go with a little sound. Let your breath move easily in and out, and let your body relax. Now imagine that you are someplace in nature—someplace that you really love. Perhaps it is the ocean, or a cool mountain forest or a meadow filled with wildflowers. Whatever place fills you with joy and happiness, go there now.

It is a beautiful day and the sun is shining brightly, kissing your skin wherever it touches. Ahead of you, you see a little path that looks completely inviting and you begin to walk along it.

There is the slightest breeze blowing and it ruffles your hair slightly and brushes across the back of your hands as you walk. All around you, you hear the sounds of nature. Perhaps it is the long roll of the ocean waves, or the rustle of the trees. Or maybe the lazy hum of insects in the shade. It smells so good—fresh and clean and delicious.

Just ahead, you see a little clearing with a house. This is the House of You. Take a moment to create the House of You in whatever way is most pleasing to you. Is this House of You small and cozy or stately and grand? In your mind’s eye, create the House of You. (Pause)

The house is so inviting and enticing that it draws you closer, and as you approach, you see over the doorway a sign that says, “The House of…” and there’s your name.

You easily and effortlessly move inside of this House of You. As you are standing inside, you notice that there are so many areas or rooms for you to explore. You could spend a lifetime exploring this House of You and never know it fully. Completely unique and totally inviting. The House of You.

Just off to the left, you notice an area or a room called “The Room of My Emotions.” Oh, that sounds interesting… and you slip inside to explore. What do you find here? Is it light or dark? Is there furniture or not at all? Take a few moments to explore. (Pause)

You move out of this room now, knowing that you can come back any time you wish… you know the way. Just off to your right you find another area or room… “The room of my Body” and you slip inside. What are the sights and sounds and sensations that await you here in the Room of your Body? Take a little time to explore. (Pause)

And now you move out of the Room of your Body and just off to your left you see another room or area… “The Room of my Heart Mind”. that place of courage and action from the heart. So you slip into the Room of your Heart Mind. What do you sense and see and smell and feel? (Pause)

Now you slip easily out of this room and off to your right you find another area. “The Room of My Spirit.” And you move inside this room to discover and explore. What do you find in the Room of your Spirit? (Pause)

Moving back into the central part of the House of You… you see so many, many rooms waiting to be explored and discovered… the unique complexity of you… there is no other on earth quite like you.

One more room to explore before you go… “The Room of My…” and you choose the name. The Room of My _________… and you fill it in. (Pause)

It’s almost time to go… before you leave you might want to say a little blessing or a prayer of thanks to this incredible House of You. Or you might want to leave a little gift behind. Do whatever feels right to you now. (Pause)

And so you turn to go, knowing that you can come back any time you wish to visit and explore this House of You. You slip outside into the waiting sunshine and began making your way along the path… walking.

Returning now to the present moment, take a deep breath and wiggle your fingers or toes. You might want to stretch and move your body a little and when you feel ready, open your eyes.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born.

~Charlie Chaplin

More than simple change or the resolution of certain issues in life, the fourth cornerstone, evoke transformation, means that we are committed to fundamental shifts at the level of our essence or identity, not just shifts in the circumstances of our lives. When people experience these kinds of shifts, life flows far more effectively. And when we stand in this cornerstone, challenging circumstances become a forum for our development and growth. In fact, the more difficult the issue, the more we are called to become something greater than who we have been.

Being Co-Active calls us into the space of continuous learning, and of creating for ourselves and others lasting, positive change. All of us long for more effective ways of interacting with our jobs, families, and world. Ideally, we are interested in moving to the next level of human development as we continue to grow and expand our consciousness. We hope perhaps life can be more than simply managing a to-do list; we wonder if we can develop new capacities to navigate whatever life throws our way.

This cornerstone was (like the other cornerstones) created originally as a way of being for Co-Active coaches, an approach to help their clients with more than solutions to their problems. But (as with all the cornerstones) we believe this philosophy applies to all of us, whether we’re coaches, parents, managers, teachers, or just human beings. A life where we are evoking transformation in ourselves and others is dynamic, powerful, impactful, and truly fulfilling.

At some deep level we know that we are here to contribute, and to develop. We sometimes forget that we don’t have to accomplish some grand thing in order to make a real difference. Being with each other from the perspective of evoking transformation is fulfilling and powerful not because everything gets checked off the to-do list, but because we see human evolution before our very eyes.

Stefan was told he had an anger problem. His job as a stock trader exposed him to constant pressure and required he make lightning quick decisions constantly. His response to an overload of stress was to be continually sarcastic and often blow his top. After a painful calling on the carpet by his boss, he worked hard to shift this behavior, and to his credit, out of sheer force of will (and fear of losing his job), he did.

But after a year or so, he hired a coach because although he now felt he had his anger “under control” since he was no longer allowing himself the outbursts that once were common, he was still being passed over for advancement. Ironically, he found he was getting pulled back into his old patterns due to his frustration over not being recognized as having gotten “better.” In coaching, Stefan saw that managing his anger wasn’t just a question of keeping himself from blowing up while his real feelings simmered just below the surface. He realized that he needed to learn to ask positively for the opportunities he wanted, focus on being collaborative and helpful, and trust that he would eventually get the respect he so badly wanted.

His coach helped him realize that being angry over people not seeing that he had changed was simply evidence that he had, in fact, not actually changed. Upon understanding this, Stefan worked hard to make an authentic shift. He learned some new skills for being present to his anger without suppressing it and letting it leak out “sideways,” and after only a few months of coaching, people began to notice an authentic difference that was much bigger than simply seeing that he no longer blew up irrationally.

Stefan ultimately received the promotion he wanted, and, perhaps more importantly, he was having more fun at his job than he had in years. He told his coach, “I’m more engaged and I am going the extra mile now—not because I am afraid I’ll get into trouble if I don’t, but because I really want to.” As a commodities trader, Stefan estimated that this increase in his own engagement was literally worth millions to his company. “If I negotiate an extra half cent on a bushel of soybeans, it may not sound like much, but trust me, it’s huge.”

Standing in this cornerstone calls us to continually focus our attention more broadly. The question “who am I becoming?” gets activated here. From the perspective of evoking transformation, when someone asks, “What should I do?” the answer is often, “I don’t know. Who do you want to be? Who do you want to become?” When Stefan came to coaching, he asked, “What do I need to do to get my promotion?” Instead of telling him the right boxes to check off, his coach wisely pointed him to shifting who he was being at a very fundamental level. And that is what worked.

Human beings are incredibly complex and, as with all complex systems, share three aspects: one, they are emergent and ever-developing, not static and fixed; two, they are nonlinear as opposed to following set rules in a logical and consistent manner; and three, very small changes to the system can have a profound impact. To view ourselves as somehow “completed” or “arrived” does not honor our natural and innate desire and ability for growth and development. To evoke transformation means we understand we are never done, finished, complete, but always moving and changing in unpredictable ways, changed in a moment by something as simple as a new perspective or idea—this is part of what it is to be human.

Like Stefan, we all get trapped in old stories that can keep us stuck. When we evoke transformation, we call forth the human being who exists beneath our stories, helping that person chart a new direction. For example, Carmela came to the CTI Leadership program mourning a ten-year-old divorce. She told her “woe is me” story to anyone who would listen, and sat in the early classroom sessions slumped in her chair, certain that because she had been treated unfairly and abandoned, ten years ago, she could never truly be happy again.

Then, during a physical activity in the course, she shifted. She realized she had an opportunity to choose and step into life, and she came alive. She smiled and played and looked like a completely different woman at the end of the day. Everyone was thrilled she had finally been able to let go of that disempowering story.

But the next day the old Carmela was back, slumping in her chair, nestled into her “poor me” persona, tears running down her face. The leader, committed to evoking transformation, wasn’t going to buy it any longer. She said, “Yesterday we saw that you were ready to be done with your old story. I saw it. Everybody else in the group saw it. Most importantly, you saw it. So, I’m declaring an official end to the old story. No more poor me!” Carmela immediately stopped crying and said, “Really? I’m done?” And the leader said (with great conviction), “Yes!”

This turned out to be the final thing Carmela needed to let go of the old story. She had, after all, been wanting to let go of it for years. The conversation with the leader was not the whole story of her transformation, but it was a critical turning point. After that, she committed to finally stepping into the person she was becoming, not the person she had been. Over the next year she lost forty pounds and started the business she’d been dreaming of. Enough, it turned out, was enough, when someone cared enough to evoke transformation in her.

Rupert has two wonderful, high-potential employees working for him. He takes the view that his job as a manager is largely to evoke transformation and so he looks at them through this lens. One of his employees, Marjorie, is on top of the details, has everything covered, and is truly a make-it-happen person. Rupert’s focus with her (while holding all of the cornerstones in the process) is to help her expand into the lighter side of her personality.

In contrast, his other employee, Ted, is warm, available, and everyone’s friend, but he sometimes misses the important details. Here Rupert focuses on how Ted can expand his capacity for details. With both, Rupert is looking for the next place of human development, the gap each person is facing, and the place they can become more, and thus have more of the effectiveness and success they want for themselves.

There is significant scientific proof for the exciting idea that the brain demonstrates “neuroplasticity.” That is, it’s more adaptable than we have previously thought, and it can—and does—change with effort and intention. As neuroplasticity expert Norman Doidge points out, there is substantial evidence we can indeed rewire our own brains with our thoughts.

There is a common saying in neuroscience: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” First coined by Donald Hebb, a Canadian neuropsychologist, this axiom reminds us that every experience, thought, feeling, and physical sensation triggers thousands of neurons, which form a neural network. When you repeat an experience over and over, the brain learns to trigger the same neurons each time.

The more a network is used, the stronger it becomes. We have trillions of possible neural connections in our brains. Some of them have wired strongly into habits and behaviors that are effective, and some have wired into limiting beliefs and strategies that are not. And many exist simply as pure potential.

Because the default in our brain is to go with the networks that are most developed, it is difficult to change without focused, supported, intentional effort. Holding the cornerstone of evoke transformation can help bring this sort of focus and support, literally helping the brain rewire itself for greater effectiveness.

Additionally, one of the keys to neuroplasticity is novelty. Things that are new or unexpected get our attention and cause a release of a chemical in the brain that makes new neural connections possible. By evoking transformation, we stretch out of our comfort zone and take risks; we don’t just do what we are already doing a little bit better. If we think of evoking transformation, it pushes us toward the kind of expansive thinking that can lead to an aha moment of clarity, a feeling of something new being opened before us.

Standing in the cornerstone of evoking transformation calls us to focus on creating new neural networks that lead to more resonant, effective, fulfilling lives. Over time, through commitment, support, practice, and reflection, those aha moments of clarity can become dominant neural pathways, and what was once a challenge will become commonplace.

• Think about this powerful saying: “Trust your dreams and doubt your doubts.” What does it mean to you and how can you encourage others to do the same?

• There are some powerful and challenging questions in this cornerstone that are well worth exploring, such as:

• Healer and teacher Caroline Myss once said, “We evolve at the rate of the tribe we’re plugged into.” Surround yourself with those who are also committed to growing and evolving, and who nourish and feed your best, biggest self. On your journey, be willing to let go of the friends who may not be the friends who meet you now.

• Encourage people to expand their range of possibilities, leaning into what’s possible, not predictable. Dare to ask, What else? and How big? Hold dreams for other people until they are ready to claim them and live them for themselves.

• When someone asks you what they should do, try responding, “I don’t know. Who do you want to be?”

• Challenge yourself to do something new every month, every week, or even every day. Make a habit of being non-habitual. It’s easy to get stuck inside our own comfort zone. Drive a new way to work, use your non-dominant hand to eat or brush your teeth, commit to asking provocative questions when you find yourself in a dull conversation. Shake things up. One of our friends likes to ask, “When is the last time you did something for the first time?”

• Create a visual map of your life. What are mountains you see for yourself? Where are the fertile plains, the rivers, the valleys? What territory would you like to explore next?

• It can be really helpful in this cornerstone to see how far you have already come. One way to do this is to create a timeline of your life by breaking things down into seven-year segments and reflect on the major events and growth during each segment. We find it very powerful to put each timeframe on a separate piece of paper and “walk” up to present day, journaling as you go. You can even walk into the future, allowing yourself to imagine what happens next and where you want to be 7, 14, 21 years ahead. After the walk, look through your notes for themes around growth and transformation. Who have you become and what else is possible?

Pull a thread here and you’ll find it’s attached to the rest of the world.

~Nadeem Aslam

While we have described the four cornerstones separately, and even provided stories, examples, and ideas for each, the truth is, they aren’t singular in nature. Instead of thinking of them like the pillars of a house, perhaps a better way to envision the cornerstones is as a sort of three-dimensional Venn Diagram, all overlapping and interconnecting with each other, distinct and yet crucial to the whole, or as we will explore in Chapter Seven, the bedrock of a lake.

In a very real way, the cornerstones themselves provide a wonderful example of integration. We differentiate each in order to understand and honor its particular gift. But we don’t really live or use them separately. For example, when we encourage a child to follow her dreams, we are holding them naturally creative, resourceful, and whole to know inside what they themselves want, honoring that they are a whole person (and not just their good math score), dancing in this moment with what they are longing for and care about, and even evoking transformation as we encourage them to reach for the stars.

When we lead by focusing on development, growth, and mentoring, seeing the potential in others in our organization, encouraging them to reach, aspire, and surprise themselves to reach new heights, we are also holding and honoring these cornerstones.

Nothing in life is really separate, but sometimes concepts need to be understood as distinct before we can use them in the most powerful way. This is the challenge and the joy of being Co-Active. It calls us not just to do one thing, but to stand in (as best we can) all four cornerstones as the fundamental way we navigate our lives: pillars of strength and stability in an uncertain world.

As we mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, each of the four cornerstones can help with differentiation, linkage, or both. Taken together, they provide a map and a guide for a powerfully integrated life.