Chapter 45

VANESSA

HARRY! EVER SINCE Brigid had uttered his name, it had rung round and round in her head. Maybe it had never really left it. Perhaps you never forgot the first person you had truly loved, even if they had lied and cheated on you.

‘I’m going to write to him,’ Brigid told her nervously. ‘That’s better than a phone call. It will give him time to think about whether he wants to see me.’

Vanessa wanted to wrap her arms around her daughter like an invisible shield. Warn her. Protect her. If only if she could take the pain instead! Harry would only hurt Brigid; she knew that. Just as he had hurt her.

‘He owns this big company,’ added Brigid. ‘Something to do with finance in London. I don’t want him to think I’m after his money.’

So Harry had come up in the world. It didn’t surprise her. He’d always been bright. It was just that the booze had got in the way. Not to mention his morals. But so far there had been no contact, at least as far as she knew. Put it out of your head, Vanessa told herself. It was Mother’s Day after all. Brian had come round for lunch and they were eating it on her little table in the garden. Incredible how warm it was again!

Sunshine, unusually, was playing up. Still, maybe it was to be expected, given all the changes that were going on. ‘I want to see Daisy!’ she whined, pushing away her bean burger that Vanessa had become rather skilled at making. ‘I want to give her the card that I drew speshully and the present.’

‘It’s not Easter yet. There’s plenty of time,’ said Vanessa quickly.

‘No.’ Sunshine banged her little fist on the plate. ‘I want to do it NOW. I haven’t seen Daisy for ages. And anyway, I bought it out of my money. Didn’t I?’

Indeed she had. Sunshine was a generous little thing. She’d been saving up her pocket money for ages. Not just for Easter eggs (‘Yours is the biggest, Van Van’) but also for a lovely little wooden heart that she’d given Brigid for Mothering Sunday.

‘Is this your friend whose mum used to help in the shop?’ enquired Brigid.

Sunshine nodded. ‘She doesn’t do it any more cos Van Van had a row with her.’

‘I’m wondering if she’s the one who rang social services,’ burst out Vanessa.

‘Are you sure?’ Brigid’s face tightened. ‘Only you wouldn’t want to make a mistake over something like that.’

Was she? Maybe not. Vanessa was in such a muddle that she couldn’t think. Perhaps she was just being paranoid, suspecting everyone around her. But when it came to your children – or rather grandchildren – you couldn’t afford to trust anyone

‘We could go for a walk this afternoon,’ suggested Malik, who really was a good-looking man with that lovely smooth coffee skin. She liked the way his eyes constantly followed her daughter, not lasciviously, but in a loving, caring way. He seemed good with Sunshine too, though his English could be unreliable. ‘Then maybe we could drop the egg into your playmate.’

‘YES! YES!’ Sunshine leaped up and down. ‘Let’s go now. Please, Mummy. Please, Van Van. PLEASE!’

So somehow she had found herself agreeing even though her heart thumped as they went up Bobbie’s path. The last person Vanessa wanted to see was the so-called friend who had betrayed her. ‘We’ll just leave the egg on the doorstep,’ she said firmly to Sunshine.

‘That’s not fair, is it, Mummy?’ She made a pleading face at Brigid. What a little monkey! Vanessa had noticed that Sunshine was beginning to play one off against the other.

But then the door opened. It was Bobbie’s husband, looking rather friendlier than when she’d seen him in Devon. ‘They’re in the park,’ he said warmly. ‘Why don’t you go and join them? Daisy’s been talking about you, Sunshine. I know she’d love to see you.’

There was no getting out of it now! ‘I’d like to meet Bobbie, Mum,’ said Brigid grimly, linking her arm through hers. ‘Tell her exactly what I think.’

Exactly. ‘There she is!’ Vanessa pointed to a pretty fresh-faced woman with light brown hair by the swings. ‘With her niece.’ Then she stopped. What on earth was Mel doing holding hands with Weasel Face?

‘Jason?’ whispered Brigid, turning pale. ‘I don’t believe it.’

Nor could she!

‘Hi, Vanessa!’ Bobbie stood up to greet them. Her pregnancy was definitely showing now. ‘What a nice surprise. You know Mel, don’t you?’ Her tone altered slightly. ‘This is Jason.’

‘We’ve met,’ said Vanessa grimly. Grabbing Bobbie, she steered her away. ‘We need to talk.’

‘I know.’ Bobbie’s eyes were bright. ‘I’ve just been chatting to Matthew. And I think I know who’s been trying to cause trouble. I’m going to ring her now. For you and for me.’

BOBBIE

‘I’ve just spoken to Sarah on the phone,’ said Bobbie sadly as they walked past the skateboard park. ‘She insisted she bought the wretched jacket from a London market. However, she did admit that she rang social services after the school fête. It was almost as though she was proud of it. Came out with all this stuff about being a “responsible citizen”. Frankly, I think she’s one of those people who just like to cause trouble because they’re not happy themselves.’

She looked downcast. ‘Looking back, I can see the signs.’

‘Some people do indeed like to cause trouble,’ said Vanessa quietly. ‘Like your niece’s boyfriend, Jason. He’s the boy who claimed Sunshine was his child. The one who insisted on a DNA test.’

Bobbie looked shocked. ‘You’re joking?’

‘Afraid not. You’d better tell your sister-in-law.’

‘In the mood that she’s in, she might think it’s “liberating for the soul”.’ Then Bobbie made a sympathetic face. ‘How are you? It’s quite soon, isn’t it?’

No need to say the word ‘operation’. There were some things that friends didn’t have to say, thought Vanessa gratefully. For that’s what Bobbie was again. A friend.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t believe you before.’

She shrugged. ‘It’s OK.’

‘No. It isn’t. I’ve got it all wrong, haven’t I?’ To her distress, Vanessa felt her eyes welling up. ‘First Brigid’ – she gestured towards her daughter who was having a furious argument with Weasel Face – ‘and then you.’

‘Looks like your daughter is giving Mel’s boyfriend a going-over.’

Vanessa snorted. ‘She’s not short at coming forward when she wants to be. Like her father. You look a bit peaky, love, if you don’t mind me saying. Are you getting enough rest?’

‘It’s not that,’ said Bobbie, looking down at her bump. ‘I’m upset because Mum’s just got engaged.’ She made a face. ‘To Dr Know.’

Vanessa did a double-take. ‘You’re kidding.’

‘Wish I was.’ Bobbie ran her hands through her hair. Did she know it had bits of chicken in it? ‘He’s at home right now, telling my husband where we’ve gone wrong for the past eight years. And you know what? Don’t tell anyone, but he doesn’t even have kids himself! The worst thing is that he’s really controlling, but she doesn’t seem to realise it.’

That didn’t sound great. ‘By the way,’ said Vanessa, nudging her in the ribs chummily. ‘Did you hear about that mother in Andy’s class? The one who looked rather bohemian? Turns out she’s been supplying some of the school mums with cannabis. Got six months, she did. It was in the local paper.’

‘No!’

‘Honest! What’s more …’

‘Nessie!’

She spun round, her breath catching in her throat. It was Brian. And Bingo! Out for a walk, along with the rest of Corrywood. ‘Guess what, love! Upper Cut has just won the 1.10!’ He lifted her up and span her in the air and he actually had tears in his eyes when he set her down. Dear man.

‘That’s wonderful!’ Vanessa couldn’t help it: she reached up on tiptoes to give Brian a kiss, feeling slightly embarrassed about doing so next to her daughter.

‘Wow! I wonder if that’s the one my mother-in-law was backing.’ Bobbie rolled her eyes. ‘She makes out it’s a bit of fun but Rob and I reckon she’s a closet gambler.’

‘It can get that way,’ said Brian cheerfully. ‘Any road, reckon I can afford to buy ice creams all round. How about it?’ He glanced at Jason, who was walking off now towards the other side of the park. ‘By the way, looks like the police aren’t going to take that young man’s accusations any further.’

‘That’s wonderful!’ She felt a huge wave of relief.

‘Is it?’ Brian shook his head. ‘I shouldn’t have pushed him. Still, we all do stuff we’re not proud of. Don’t we?’

ANDY

They weren’t going to do anything about it! Andy stared at the letter disbelievingly. Following enquiries, it appears there is no case to be answered. What did that mean?

‘Don’t ask,’ warned his lawyer. ‘You’ve done your bit. Appeased your conscience. Now leave it at that.’

But he hadn’t been able to. He’d gone down to the police station again and told the young girl once more that he had contributed to someone’s death. ‘It might be twenty-five years ago but aren’t you going to do anything about it?’

Then she’d given him a strange look, the type that one might give someone who wasn’t quite right in the head, and repeated the jargon in the letter. There was nothing else for it. He had to follow Plan B. It was the only way he was ever going to get any peace of mind.

‘If you think I’m coming with you, mate, you’ve got a second think coming,’ scoffed Kieran when he rang.

Incredibly, however, Pamela thought he was doing the right thing. ‘I want to see this place for myself,’ she said unexpectedly. ‘After all, it’s part of your life.’ She tucked her arm in his. ‘I always felt there was more to you than met the eye.’

So they drove across country to Essex, with Andy saying all the way that it was probably a waste of time and that the supermarket would have been knocked down or sold on years ago, only to find that it was still there. A bit smaller than he remembered but it was the same place all right. Bang on the corner next to a betting shop. His heart pounding, Andy went in. The counter had been moved to a different place. It was smarter now. More upmarket. At the till hovered a man who was probably around his age.

‘Can I help you, sir?’ he asked politely.

Andy froze; he might even have chickened out but Pamela took over. ‘We’re trying to find out about a shopkeeper who used to be here twenty-five years ago.’

The man nodded as though this was a perfectly reasonable request. ‘That would have been my father.’

Andy groaned. This had been a mistake! Too late, he could see that. What on earth should he say now? Hi. My name used to be Barry. I watched your dad die.

‘You would like to speak to him? Yes?’

Andy stared at him and then Pamela. ‘But he’s dead!’

The man laughed. ‘My father, he is very much alive! I fetch him!’ Then he stopped. ‘Why you want to speak to him?’

His mouth was dry. Alive! The man was still alive. It wasn’t possible. There had to be some mistake. ‘I, er, I need to explain something.’

It seemed an age until there was the sound of shuffling from the back of the shop. Andy took Pamela’s hand (for reassurance, he was ashamed to admit) as an old man with a stick appeared.

It was him. Those features had been etched in his mind for years – the slightly large nose, the high forehead – and they took him straight back to the night. The night when he had done something that he would be ashamed of for the rest of his life.

‘Yes?’ The old man squinted at Andy as though he couldn’t see him properly. ‘You want to talk to me?’

‘Go on,’ whispered Pamela reassuringly.

‘I … I thought you were dead!’

The old man put his head to one side as though studying him in great detail. ‘And why would you think that?’

‘Because I saw you lying in a pool of blood!’

Suddenly something cleared in the old man’s face. ‘You were one of those boys who gave me trouble? You? You were one of them? The gang that raided my shop and made me hit my head?’

His son made to pick up the phone. ‘No.’ The older man raised his hand. ‘No, do not do that. I want to know: why are you here?’

‘I want to say sorry.’ How inadequate those words sounded. ‘Ever since it happened, I thought we’d killed you.’ A huge weight suddenly lifted from his chest. ‘I cannot tell you how relieved I am. For years, I have lived with the guilt of watching someone die without doing something. Then I realised that the only way forward was to come clean. That’s why I’m here with my wife.’

‘You hurt my father!’ The younger man looked stern. ‘He had concussion and had to go to hospital, you know. He could have died. There is no excuse for that. ’

‘Yes, son, there is.’ The older man shook his head. ‘These boys, they were from the home. The one that was closed down. It was not a good place. But I do not understand. Who said I was dead?’

‘The older ones! The ringleaders! They said that if Kieran – the other boy – and I said anything, they would kill us!’

The desperation, combined with the embarrassment and the horror, made him need the loo. Urgently.

‘Did you read of my death in the paper?’ The old man sounded amused.

‘Well, no.’ Andy desperately tried to remember the sequence of events. ‘We didn’t get the papers and we weren’t allowed to watch television. But the older boys said you’d copped it. Those were their words. They also told us that if we talked about it, we’d get thrown straight into the nick.’

The old man shook his head. ‘I think those boys were using you.’ He tutted, but not in a condemning way. ‘I was hurt, but not badly. Now I think you have been punished enough. Go home, my son.’ He patted Andy’s shoulder. ‘You have said your piece and I forgive you.’

‘But, Dad …!’

‘That is enough. I admire you for coming.’ The old man nodded in Pamela’s direction. ‘I am glad you have a good wife.’

Andy stumbled out of the shop, not knowing which direction to go in. ‘They lied to us,’ he kept repeating. ‘The other boys. They lied to us!’

‘Children can be very cruel,’ said Pamela gently. ‘They obviously told a porky to make you do whatever they wanted.’ She shuddered. ‘But it’s fantastic news, isn’t it, darling? I mean I know it’s been a horrible sword of Damocles hanging over you but your man is alive! And he’s forgiven you! Rather sweet, really. So why are you crying?’

Because of everything, he wanted to say. Because he’d lost his parents, or as good as. Because he’d had a shitty childhood. Because he’d carried that guilt over the old man for years; unnecessarily as it turned out. Because his family – his immediate family – weren’t what he thought they were.

‘Come here.’ Pamela was holding him as he let it all come out, hugging him like a child right there on the street while people walked past, staring. Telling him it was all right now. And that what he needed to do was leave it all behind and start afresh.

‘I want that too,’ she said briskly, walking him back to the car. ‘You’re not the only one with regrets. There are some things in my past that I’m deeply ashamed of.’ She jutted out her chin, defiantly. ‘Things that I don’t want to tell anyone about, not even you. But I’m going to move forward now.’

He knew it! She was going to leave him! Not long ago, Andy might have left her himself. But now he’d got his head straight about Bobbie (well, almost) and was getting a bit more used to this new Pamela, he couldn’t imagine life without her. It wasn’t weakness, he told himself fiercely. It was because he loved her, despite everything. And because he wanted to keep his family together. ‘Please don’t go.’

‘Go? Whoever said anything about going?’ Pamela gave him a playful pinch. ‘I’ve decided to go back to work. I’m going to set up an agency for mature models. What do you think? Andy? Are you listening?’

But he was staring at a newspaper placard. Unable to talk. Then her eye caught it too. ‘My God,’ she breathed. She clutched his arm. ‘I don’t believe it.’ He could feel her shake as she leaned into him. Felt the new Pamela draining away into the old.

SOCIETY PHOTOGRAPHER ACCUSED OF TEENAGE RAPE – AFTER HIS DEATH.

Andy picked up the top paper on the pile. There it was. A picture of a beautiful former model, Pamela’s age, who had decided to break her silence. Now he’s dead, I know he can’t hurt me any more, ran the caption.

Below were similar quotes from other models. All young girls at the time, who had been too terrified to make a fuss because the photographer had been so powerful. So revered in the fashion world. ‘I worked with them all,’ whispered Pamela. ‘I didn’t realise it was happening to them too.’

Andy pointed to the paragraph at the bottom. ‘There’s going to be an inquiry,’ he said gently. ‘They’re asking for anyone else who was molested to come forward.’ He held her close. ‘This could be your chance, Pamela. Your way of facing the truth. Of banishing the past for good.’

She was shivering so much now that she could barely talk. ‘But what about Mel?’

Andy thought of all the secrets, all the lies that had been told. Not just in their family but in others too, if the class had been anything to go by. ‘Maybe it’s time for us to tell her the truth. After all, we’ve got to do it sometime. Haven’t we?’