| |
Staying was a terrible idea. The worst idea. Javad fidgeted as he rested his back against a tree, all too aware of the danger he could be putting his family in. The guilt didn’t dissipate his greed for a little more time with Chen and Nujalik. He didn’t know what this thing was between them, only that for the first time since he’d left Khonsu it felt like he belonged somewhere.
It couldn’t last, and he knew it. But if he could just grab a few more memories to carry with him, he could leave content. Well, not content, as the painful ache in his chest reminded him, but at least happier than if he hadn’t stayed.
In the small clearing Chen had directed them to, Nujalik gave a sharp bark then moved to sit next to one of the scent containers he’d set up. Chen rewarded her wolf for finding the correct container for the third time, the blur of Nujalik’s tail like a rainbow as it swept across the snow and scrub. The contagious joy flowed off the wolf and effervesced in his blood until Javad pushed away from the tree and crossed over to join them.
“She’s a natural, huh?” Chen’s smile was dazzling. He wanted to etch it in his brain forever.
Nujalik padded up and pressed her shoulder into his leg with a happy whine, until Javad had to widen his stance to keep his balance. He reached down and winnowed his fingers into her coat. “Yes, I saw. You found that target. I’m very proud of you.” The wolf lolled its tongue happily at the praise, the slash of her mouth sharply defined in the blurry shape of her head, then bounded off again to explore the woods.
“You don’t have to indulge her, you realize.” The chill wind had darkened Chen’s cheeks, and she squinted against the glare as she studied him. “She gets plenty of attention.”
“I do it because she likes it. Plus, I don’t know...” His voice drifted off as he looked for the words to explain himself. “It’s strange. This is probably the longest single unit of time I’ve spent with an umbra wolf. You read about them, and if the Forces pick you up as a civilian doctor, you get a crash course in them, but I’d be surprised if it added up to more than three or four hours of direct exposure all told. It’s not enough to prepare you for how incredible they are.”
Chen nodded. “We’re not exactly in the habit of putting them where anyone can get their hands on one, so that makes sense. I’m sure that makes it a pain in the ass to learn about them as a vet, though.”
“I learned cattle entirely from diagrams and old videos, and there’s only one place in the Three Systems that has a significant number of them.” He turned to watch the wolf race among the tree trunks, her camouflage blurring her outline and making her impossible to see—had he not known where to look she might as well have been invisible. Javad’s voice sounded almost reverent. “Are they all this marvelous, or is it just her?"
Chen’s laugh was throaty and delighted, and even the sound of it tugged at his heart a little. He was definitely hooked. She wiped at the corner of her eye with the back of her hand, still chuckling. “Tooth and claw, don’t let her hear you say that. Her ego is bad enough already.” She scrubbed a hand through her dark, close-cropped hair. “That said, I’ve spent time around a significant number of umbra wolves. I think it’s safe to say that they’re like people—each one’s different. As a result, every bond is different too. What I experience isn’t necessarily what May experiences with their wolf. Or Inouye with his.”
He knew the answer, of course. He’d met a few other wolves on the Cry. They were amazing creatures, but Nujalik was special. Chen was special. A perfect pair, each made the other better; they defined a sum greater than its parts. He couldn’t keep from smiling at the realization, careful to follow her as they walked toward the next location.
Seeing Chen in the woods only highlighted how unprepared he’d been to come up into the mountains. She moved with a grace and quiet that matched her wolf, while his ridiculously unsuitable trainers crunched through the leaves, too loud to be sneaky. He tripped less when he paid attention to where her feet went, but he still stumbled frequently enough that his toes ached from stubbing.
The silence stretched out between them, and for a change he didn’t feel the overwhelming need to fill it with anything. It was okay just to be, two people and a wolf in the woods. Nujalik meandered between them, dashing off to chase new smells and mark several prime locations but always keeping a close eye on her people.
Person, he corrected his thoughts. The wolf only cared about Chen. Which was fine, since he was leaving them both.
They walked a while longer before he reached out and touched Chen’s shoulder. She stopped and looked at him, eyes wary as though she wasn’t sure what he planned. If he was honest, he didn’t know exactly, either. “I’m sorry I brought so much trouble down on the two of you. You’re right, I should have said something to you sooner.”
Her faces clouded over, eyes narrowing slightly. “We’ll be able to fix it. As soon as you’re back on the Cry, let Commander Penzak know. If you can trust anyone, it’s him.”
Even after what he’d done, she still wanted to fix things. The temptation pulled at him, but he couldn’t drag anybody else into the mess he’d made for himself. He couldn’t risk anyone but him getting hurt. Not his family, and not Chen or anyone she cared about.
That reminded him. “I wanted to apologize if you thought I was digging this morning.” No. that wasn’t right. He tried again. “What I mean is, I was prying, and I offended you, and that’s what I’m sorry about. Not how you might have perceived it. There’s nothing lazier than an apology that blames the victim.”
She nodded quietly and scanned the tree line to look for the hazy distortion of her wolf. “I understand. And thank you. You were trying to get to know me, and I didn’t leave you a lot of openings for small talk. You saw an opening. What were you going to do, complain about the weather again?”
He laughed, unable to hold it in despite the seriousness of the moment. When he caught her eye, he saw the amusement that sparked through her expression as well. He gave her shoulder a squeeze. “At least you’ve been kind enough not to point out how unprepared for it I am.”
She chuckled at the blatant lie and looked at him. “Since you were fishing, turnabout is fair play. What about you?”
His heart seemed suddenly too loud, and he weighed his response. “Am I dating someone? No.” She nodded, her tight smile giving away nothing of her thoughts. She could have been confirming a suspicion or marking off a checklist with the same amount of inscrutability. And still, part of him hoped he’d provided the answer she was looking for.
That set his guilt back on edge again. Attraction didn’t matter. He had to get down the hill as soon as he got back to the cabin. His parents needed him to...something. He still didn’t know how he’d keep them safe, only that, no matter what, he wouldn’t sacrifice the rangers or their wolves to do it. Much as it pained him, whatever inroads they’d made with each other on the mountain would stay here. With her.
They reached the final collection of scent traps he’d set, and she called Nujalik to her side. As always, the wolf watched with rapt attention until Chen gave the command to find. Released, the umbra wolf arrowed out into the clearing to check boxes for the scented puff Javad had hidden.
Javad couldn’t help but feel a sense of excitement merged with pride, seeing Nujalik in action. Yes, the animal was beautiful, but her cleverness, and the way she checked against each container to confirm, was breathtaking. And Chen directing her wolf, limned in the late afternoon sun, was like an avatar of the wild itself.
When she found the right container, Nujalik sat for three seconds, then raced back to her partner and barked once before returning to the container and lying down next to it.
Without thinking about it, he put his arm around Chen’s waist. “Three for three. She’s a natural.”
Her arm went around his shoulders, pulling him closer. She squeezed him back, warm and solid as she pressed her hip to his. “It’s true.” She gave a quiet hum that could be satisfaction, or it could have signaled contentment in the moment. Another squeeze, then she dropped her arm. “I should let her know she was right.”
He needed to go. Instead, he cleared his throat. “Of course. I’ll reset the canisters if you want?”
Chen walked toward the clearing with a thoughtful expression. “Nah, she’s good for the day. I’ll gather them up. We can call it and head back to the cabin. I can’t wait to see what you’ll be able to do for dinner.”
He thought about his family, rent by the look of expectation on Chen’s face. The blackmailers hadn’t found Chen yet, which meant they didn’t know he’d warned her. He could stay as late as dinner. A last gift to thank her for letting him stay, then he could go.
And curse his fool’s heart for thinking he could leave.