CHAPTER 2

TIMES HAVE CERTAINLY CHANGED

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TERRELL AND I ARE big fans of The Andy Griffith Show. There have been nights when we have had a mini–Mayberry marathon, watching half a dozen episodes in a row. We are wild, aren’t we? There’s just something about the good old days. Plus, I’ve always had a thing for Andy.

An alternative title to this book might be Everything I’ve Ever Learned about Parenting Came from “The Andy Griffith Show.” Sheriff Taylor’s wisdom is pure gold. One of our favorite episodes is “Opie and the Spoiled Kid.”

Opie’s friend Arnold Winkler rides over to the Taylors’ house to show off his new expensive bike. When Arnold offers to give Opie a ride on the fancy Intercontinental Flyer, Opie politely turns him down. He has chores to finish so he can get his weekly quarter.

Arnold can’t believe Opie has to work for his measly allowance and proceeds to school Opie on what Sheriff Taylor owes his son. “He’s taking advantage of ya,” Arnold says. “What do you think ‘allowance’ means? It means money a kid is allowed to have. And without working for it. It’s for being a kid.”

The argument is convincing. Opie not only asks his dad for a fifty-cent raise in his allowance, but also announces that he expects the weekly amount without doing any work in return. Andy doesn’t budge.

Arnold advises Opie to take action with temper tantrums, with plenty of kicking and crying. “And if that doesn’t work, you hold your breath to get your way,” says Arnold. It’s a lot for Opie to think about.

In the next scene, Arnold rides his bike on the sidewalk after being warned that it is against the law, and the bike is impounded. Arnold stomps off to tell his dad, and a few minutes later Opie arrives at the sheriff’s office to take the allowance discussion to the next level. Try as he might, Opie’s tantrums and manipulation have no effect on Andy at all.

When Arnold brings his dad to see Sheriff Taylor and demand his bike back, Arnold’s true colors are shown and his dad sees them for the first time.[12]

The episode ends with Opie asking for his job back and apologizing for the way he acted. And yes, Andy even gives him a raise.

If you ask me, that show illustrates parenting at its finest. I know we can’t recapture those iconic black-and-white television days that our parents or grandparents experienced. Our world has evolved into a modern, state-of-the-art society and Mayberry is history, but some days I wish we could go back to a time when life seemed simpler.

When the back-to-school season hit at the end of last summer, humorist and blogger Victoria Fedden wrote a hilarious post titled “Going Back to School: The 70s vs. Today” that went viral.[13]

I’ve excerpted a little of it here:

BACK TO SCHOOL, 1970S

BACK TO SCHOOL, 2014

It’s as if our culture has amped up life and made things more complicated, not because we have to but because we can. We have the time and money to focus and care deeply about things that really don’t matter.

Kids will be kids and if we give them too much, too soon, they will likely take it.

Yes, times have changed. But kids really haven’t. Entitled kids have been around since God created human beings. So maybe it’s the parenting that has changed the most. Maybe we are giving our kids more than they need and allowing them to have all they want with few consequences. Because —let’s admit it —kids will be kids and if we give them too much, too soon, they will likely take it.

TWO FAVORITE SONS

There are plenty of father-son stories in the Bible, but let’s look at two sons in particular: Joseph, the son of Jacob, and Absalom, one of David’s sons. Joseph’s life story is found in Genesis 37–50, and in the first few verses of the narration we learn that Joseph was deeply loved by his father (Genesis 37:3), causing his ten older brothers to be jealous, and that Joseph was also a tattletale (verse 2) who informed his father about the bad things his brothers were doing behind their father’s back.

To make matters worse, Jacob had a beautiful coat made for Joseph, and when his brothers saw the coat “they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him” (Genesis 37:4). Joseph added fuel to the fire when he told his brothers about his dreams, which basically implied he would rule over them one day. While the dreams eventually turned out to be prophetic, Joseph’s decision to share them wasn’t the best move. Even if you aren’t familiar with this story, you could probably guess what happened next: His brothers were furious, hated him even more than before, and plotted revenge. They faked Joseph’s death and then sold him into slavery. Which really puts perspective on my kids’ silly sibling rivalry, you know?

But thankfully, the story doesn’t end there. No, like most of God’s stories for us, this one ends in amazing redemption. Joseph continued being faithful to God, living a life of integrity, and was placed in the highest command just under Pharaoh. When a drought devastated Egypt, it was Joseph’s organization and forethought that saved the nation, including the brothers who bullied him (Genesis 41:41-57).

Fast-forward seven hundred years. King David was the ruler of Israel and his third son, Absalom, had an extreme case of entitlement. Many biblical commentaries say Absalom was more than spoiled —he was a narcissist, with an oversized ego fed by his vanity and selfishness. When I read in 2 Samuel 13–18 about this favored royal son who murdered his brother Amnon for raping their sister, led a revolt against his father, King David, and in the process raped his father’s concubines in plain sight, I don’t feel my family is quite as dysfunctional as I feared. Absalom was used to getting what he wanted.

Certainly, David demonstrated some serious flaws in his parenting. Besides favoring Absalom, he did not restrain or properly discipline his children, especially noticeable after Amnon raped his sister. Instead of David placing a crown on his son Absalom’s head, the father and son became enemies in the eyes of David’s government leaders, and Absalom died trying to escape his father’s men (2 Samuel 18:9-15).

Here are two men in the Bible, both favored and spoiled as children, but we see two completely different outcomes. I’m not a Bible scholar, and I don’t really know why one turned out to be a hero who saved thousands while the other was killed in the rebellion he led against his own father. But I do believe that it boils down to two things: absolute truth and personal choice.

ABSOLUTE TRUTH

Before we became parents, Terrell and I were youth and children’s pastors. We poured our lives into the kids in our care, giving them a Christian education. Our favorite resource back then was Josh McDowell’s book Right from Wrong. He helped us lead our students in knowing and understanding that there are absolute truths in our world. The premise of the book defines absolute truth as this:

When you believe there exists an objective standard for distinguishing right from wrong —that certain things are right for all people, for all times, for all places —you acknowledge that there are fundamental moral and ethical guidelines that exist independently of your personal opinion.[14]

Today’s society argues that truth is subjective; truth changes to accommodate our opinions. Let me give you an example. An absolute truth —a standard of right or wrong for all people, at all times, for all places —would be that murder is wrong. But society says it’s okay if it’s an unborn baby. We’ve taken an absolute truth and changed it to fit a situation for the sake of convenience.

When we look closely at Absalom’s life, we can see that he didn’t believe in the moral truths that God set as a standard for all people, at all times, in all situations. He sought revenge and murdered a man, raped women, and usurped his father’s authority as king because it fulfilled his purpose, not God’s. In contrast, Joseph, who was sold into slavery, was enticed by his superior’s wife to sleep with her. But rather than go against one of God’s moral standards, Joseph fled. Instead of being lauded for his actions, Joseph was falsely accused of immorality and imprisoned. Joseph chose to do the right thing because he understood right from wrong and chose truth even if it meant consequences he didn’t deserve.

I’ve seen the shift from truth in our culture in a variety of ways, from what’s on TV to what’s in books. What used to be taboo is now socially acceptable. What used to be wrong is now right in some circumstances. It’s hard to find a book in the teenage section of the library that doesn’t have same-sex couples, intimate sexual scenes, or offensive language once reserved for “R” ratings.

My son unknowingly brought home a book with questionable content in the sixth grade. After reading a couple of chapters, he tapped on our bedroom door, well past his bedtime. As soon as I saw his expression, I knew something was bothering him.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“It’s this book that we’re supposed to read for class. I started it, but there are things that make me uncomfortable. I don’t want to read it.”

I was so proud of him, and I e-mailed the teacher on his behalf. She was quick to offer an alternative book. My son could have continued to read the first one. Many of us have probably watched a movie or read a book with content that went against our moral standards. I’m not saying either is wrong, but seeing that my son was uncomfortable with something that went against the absolute truths he embraces —and risking other people knowing it —made me take notice.

Society has shifted truth by bombarding us with an idea until it’s normalized.

Society has shifted truth by bombarding us with an idea until it’s normalized. People eventually accept it as truth because others do or because culture calls it politically correct to do so. We call it tolerance, which makes my version of the truth as valid as yours. When you push against this new “truth,” you are marginalized.

When Americans were asked by the Barna Research Group if absolute truth exists, more surprising than the results was how much and how quickly the results changed in just a few years. In 1995, 50 percent of born-again Christians said there were moral truths that are unchanging, and that truth is absolute, not relative to the circumstances. In 2000, another poll showed the number of respondents who agreed with those statements was up to 53 percent. Again, the same question was asked in 2009 and 2015, and the survey found that 46 percent believe that moral truth is absolute. The same research group found that among teenagers, 83 percent said moral truth depends on situational truth.

All we have to do is turn on the news or see a magazine cover to see this playing out in our culture. Truth is constantly changing in our world. What once used to be wrong and totally taboo is now a boldface tabloid headline. Why does it matter? Our kids’ worldview is based on what truth they believe, and they make choices from that filter. If they are taught a biblical worldview, they will learn that absolute truth exists based on the Bible’s principles, but if we allow our culture to teach them, they will have a secular worldview that continues to redefine truth based on their feelings or circumstances. If we don’t teach our kids right from wrong, they will learn the version presented by the media.

Honestly, I wasn’t prepared to talk to my teens about Bruce Jenner becoming Caitlyn Jenner for the world to see and applaud. But I could hardly hide it from them either. Kids are talking about what the world is talking about, and so we must broach these difficult topics. We were driving in the car when I overheard my kids talking about it. “What do y’all think of this?” I asked.

“I think it’s really weird,” my son said. My daughter agreed.

“How do you think God feels about this?” I asked.

We didn’t solve all the world’s problems that day and we didn’t understand what would cause someone to make this kind of choice, but it was a great opportunity to reestablish what the Bible says about how God created us and how to love people we don’t agree with. Still, it was uncomfortable looking at the cover of Vanity Fair featuring Caitlyn Jenner with my kids when we saw it at the checkout line.

We won’t show people Jesus with our list of rules; we will be known by our love for each other.

In another report that examined the changes in worldview among Christians in a 2009 survey, the Barna Group stated, “A person’s worldview is primarily shaped and is firmly in place by the time someone reaches the age of 13; it is refined through experience during the teen and early adult years; and then it is passed on to others during their adult life.”[15]

I don’t write this to discourage us, but rather to remind us that it’s our job to teach our kids what truth is. I love how Josh McDowell explains the reason behind truth in Right from Wrong:

God’s Word is filled with PRECEPTS —commands put there for our good. [Ex: “Do not murder” protects people from being killed.] PRINCIPLES are the “whys” behind the precepts [We don’t murder because God gives life and there are consequences for committing murder], and the PERSON behind the principles is God Himself [God is creator of life, therefore, God values life]. As we move from PRECEPT to PRINCIPLE, it leads to the very PERSON of God. It is through the Test of Truth that we compare our attitudes and actions to God’s character and nature.[16]

We must teach our kids that there are clear absolute truths that not only protect us —they also provide for us. But without love, they are just a big list of rules. I think the church as a whole has forgotten the two greatest commandments —to love God and to love others (Matthew 22:36-40). It’s easy to love people like us, those who embrace our beliefs. But it’s even more important to love those who aren’t like us, people who don’t live by absolute truth. We won’t show people Jesus with our list of rules; we will be known by our love for each other. Ultimately, we want them to see the person behind our love.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.

JOHN 13:34-35, NASB

When we decide to follow Christ, we are choosing a narrow path. It’s not an easy road to live out the gospel, as author David Platt states at the beginning of his book Counter Culture.

The gospel is the lifeblood of Christianity, and it provides the foundation for countering culture. For when we truly believe the gospel, we begin to realize that the gospel not only compels Christians to confront social issues in the culture around us. The gospel actually creates confrontation with the culture around —and within —us.[17]

I don’t know about you, but I say, “Bring it on.”

PERSONAL CHOICE

The second thing I believe made Joseph a hero and Absalom a zero was personal choice.

A couple of summers ago, Madison went on a local missions trip with her youth group. They spent three nights and four days serving lunch at a homeless shelter, stacking food at the Houston Food Bank, and volunteering at a day care for low-income families. She returned exhausted, dirty, and with a lot of questions that took us by surprise. My kids have seen a lot in their short years. We’ve exposed them to extreme poverty in other countries and in our own city. They have seen suffering and understand in their core that life can be very unfair.

As I listened to Madison wrestle with questions that I have also asked myself —“Why does God allow this?” “What if He doesn’t still speak today?” “Is it okay if I don’t want to be a missionary?” —I tried to help by telling her what I believed. But Terrell cautioned me that while it was uncomfortable to hear our firstborn ask hard questions, they weren’t mine to answer. I knew in my heart we had to let her figure them out for herself. It was tempting to tell her what to think and what to believe just because it’s what her dad and I believe. But I knew if we allowed her to struggle with her questions and gave her freedom to ask them, she would become stronger in her beliefs in the end.

I can honestly say, this is hard ground for a parent. When I peeled back the layers, I discovered I was afraid for her to ask hard questions because I feared she would choose wrongly. I went to Madison later and apologized for not trusting her. I explained how hard it was for me to let her grow up and question everything —from our authority to her faith —but I had to let her. I had to trust God that we had done our part in teaching her, but most difficult for me, I had to believe in my daughter. My reward was seeing the relief on her face. The funny thing is, Madison didn’t make any life-changing decisions that day. She’s still the same Jesus-loving girl, trying her best to live for Him, but she knows that she is free to question things and make personal choices, and that experience changed both of us.

Please understand that not every single minute of every day in our family is weighted with intention or a Is-This-a-Good–Decision? conversation. We also have a lot of fun together. We are silly and often irreverent and unholy. I started my blog in 2007 with the tag line, “We are a lot like the Family Circus cartoon, only with more trips to the emergency room” for that very reason. Don’t think for a minute that intentional living equals holiness. It really just means we are aiming for the stars but lucky if we hit a street lamp.

Without a doubt, one of the most helpful things in this parenting journey has been learning from other moms who are further down the road than I am, women who freely share their successes and regrets. Lee, who is old enough to be my mother, is one of those people. She dropped by one day and brought me a couple of photocopied articles that her husband, Trace, thought I might like to read. Trace is a theologian and former seminary professor with degrees in Greek and Hebrew, as well as law, so he knows his stuff.

As Lee and I talked, she pointed to the underlined words on the pages and said, “You know that verse in Proverbs that says, ‘Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it’?”[18]

“Oh yes,” I said, nodding in agreement. “I claim that Scripture over my kids all the time.”

“Well, I did too,” she said. “Only it doesn’t mean what we think it does at all. I wish I’d known this earlier.”

After Lee left, I curled up on my bed and spread out the papers. The first pages were from the book Basics of Biblical Hebrew Grammar by Gary D. Pratico and Miles V. Van Pelt. As I scanned down the page, I could see the underlined verse written in Hebrew with the explanation of each word underneath. The authors suggest that “in the way he should go” could more accurately be translated as “according to his way” and note that this Scripture is actually a solemn warning rather than a promise. It doesn’t mean that our kids will always stay on the path we have taught them to follow or that if they stray they will eventually return to the faith.

Instead, Pratico and Van Pelt come to a startling conclusion.

Parents, if you train up your child “according to his way” —in other words, if you quit the hard work of loving discipline and just give in and let your child have his own way —you will reinforce his sinful proclivities to such a degree that, apart from supernatural intervention, “even when is old he will not depart from it.”[19]

Profound, isn’t it? This verse, say the authors, is actually warning parents against doing something they should not do: “train up a child in his way.” This was revolutionary and enlightening to me. As I began to process what that meant, I picked up the second article, one from Bibliotheca Sacra, which confirmed what I had just read.

“Train a child according to his evil inclinations and he will continue in his evil way throughout his life.” . . . It says, in other words, not “Here’s the good result that you can count on when you give a child proper parental guidance,” but “Here’s the bad result that may happen if you don’t give a child proper parental guidance, but let him do what he wants.”[20]

Pratico adds,

As desirable as such a promise [offered by the more common interpretation] would be, experience contradicts it far too often to be attributable solely to deficient parenting. Indeed, in spite of the best parenting in the universe, namely God’s own, many of his children departed from the way they should have gone, and they continued in their rebellion to the bitter end (cf. Isaiah 1:2 “I reared children and brought them up, but they have rebelled against me”).[21]

Talk about instant deflation. I had always clung to that verse as a promise: Do this faithfully and this is what will happen. Who doesn’t want to claim that promise over their children? Promises like that are comforting, especially in seasons when our kids are rebellious or wayward. But as I reflected further, I realized that I was already heeding this warning in Scripture by offering my kids parental guidance and not letting them do everything they want.

Kids often learn things the hard way. But God uses mistakes, wayward choices, and brokenness to bring redemption.

Do you know what this does? It takes a load off. How many families do we know, maybe even our own, who have a couple of kids serving God but also one who has abandoned everything he has been taught? Proverbs assures us that our responsibility is to faithfully do our part to explain the truth, and the rest is up to our child. Each person must individually make the choice to follow Jesus. And while it may grieve us deeply when this doesn’t happen, we can hold firmly to the knowledge that we obeyed God and followed through on our responsibilities. And we can find great comfort in knowing that God loves our children even more than we do and He will continue to pursue them.

Here’s the truth: Kids often choose the wrong path and learn things the hard way. Sure, they could avoid pain and heartache if they would just listen to us, but this is part of growing up. At some point we have to let them. God often uses mistakes, wayward choices, and brokenness to bring redemption. We have to entrust our children to Him and pray they ultimately choose Him, as Joseph did.

My kids love to read, and it has been a challenge to find them age-appropriate books. It’s been tempting to nix a lot of the popular fiction on the bestseller lists because of suggestive content. A couple of years ago when The Fault in Our Stars was The Book To Read, both my teen daughter and I read it, even though I knew the main characters engaged in premarital sex. After we finished, we talked about the choices the characters in the book made. Sometimes I think we parents are so focused on saying no and following all the rules to raise great kids that we miss the opportunity for an important conversation on why we say no.

We’ve done the same thing with a lot of other books. We’ve spent years teaching our kids right from wrong and living by absolute truths, but at some point, we have to let them begin to make decisions on their own. It’s not easy and we definitely mess up, but we are trying.

For example, I like our house to be clean and clutter-free. That sounds nice on paper, but it’s code for obsessive-compulsive tendencies. When the house is a mess, I feel like a mess inside and I go into overdrive. We all know children and messes go together, but my kids know I’m a nicer person when things are tidy. Jon-Avery was helping me with dinner one night, and as he began to pour a bottle of dressing into the dish, he completely missed and it covered the countertop and the cabinets beneath, and dripped to the floor. I lost it and yelled and then continued to gripe as we both attempted to clean it up.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I know you don’t like it when I’m human,” he said in a quiet voice.

His words were like a knife to my heart. He was helping me, and I was hurting him. A few minutes later, after we’d wiped away the mess, I knocked the entire dish off the counter.

“Mom, you should be more careful,” he said kindly (but with a note of sarcasm) as he bent to pick up my mess.

I stopped what I was doing, put my hand on his, and said, “I’m sorry. Thanks for treating me better than I treated you.”

I still cringe when I think of that day, but sometimes our greatest messes teach us the most about each other and ourselves.

PASSING THE BATON OF TRUTH

Recently I met an old friend for lunch and as we caught up on each other’s lives, I told her I was writing this book. I added my usual disclaimer that just because I was writing a book on parenting didn’t mean I knew how to parent. She laughed and said her oldest child was a young adult and she still didn’t know that much about it.

“I worry about my son and his struggle with pornography.” I was so glad she opened up because that’s what real friends do. “He tries so hard to stay away from it, and he will go months without giving in to temptation —and then he fails. I just don’t want this to be a lifelong struggle for him.”

She knows my story and how my husband struggled and overcame the same sin years ago in our marriage. “This is a weakness for your son, as well as for most young men his age and older,” I replied. “Okay, probably all men. But he is struggling against it. That’s good! He isn’t giving himself over to it. He’s trying. And when he fails, he tries again. This is life.”

I told her how every time I sit down to write, I struggle with thinking the reader —you —would think I think I am an expert or I know what I’m doing. And I told her that day that I don’t know how my kids are going to turn out. I don’t know if one of them will make really bad choices and lead a life I wouldn’t choose for him or her. I can’t predict what will happen. I know that I am teaching them truth according to God’s Word and loving them the best way I can by thoughtfully guiding and encouraging them, but I also have to let them make their own decisions and pray they find Jesus in their successes or failures.

And friends, that’s all we can do.

GOING AGAINST THE FLOW

Parents

Toddlers/Preschoolers

Elementary

Tweens/Teens