A desire to practice authenticity is a brave quest to know yourself better, welcome that evolution, and share who you are with others, even when it runs counter to what they feel or expect from you. It is about pursuing what your heart desires regardless of judgment or stigma and sticking up for yourself and what you care about. When you express your authentic self, you do this while listening to your soul and, thus, divine guidance, which urges you to radiate love and act with integrity. “A desire for authenticity is essential for the discovery of truth,” my guides say, “and for finding fulfillment in life and making it more meaningful and comprehensible.”
My client John is one of my favorite examples of a person who knew he was deserving of true fulfillment and living his most authentic life. Before John met his girlfriend, he was a silly, creative spirit who enjoyed taking pictures and casually showing them at small galleries and coffee shops around town. But the woman he was dating was more interested in his lucrative day job than she was in his art, and after a while he found himself playing the role of well-dressed arm candy. As John spent less time in his studio and more time at charity functions that made him feel like a phony, he began to doubt his God-given potential. In this way, John allowed his girlfriend to impact how he saw himself—and he felt deeply empty as a result because his soul’s desires did not match his outer world. So a year into his relationship, John broke up with his girlfriend. Without her negative influence over his identity, he began to Believe again in his inner voice and really explore his gifts in a new way. He finally took the leap to pursue his photography interests as a full-time career. John broadened his style, expanded his clientele, and built up his business. He’s now a successful portrait photographer, known for a playful approach that’s uniquely his own.
I find that most of my clients who don’t pursue their most authentic selves are riddled with fear, doubt, and worry about judgment from others. They have become pleasers, are concerned they’ll be ostracized for what they believe in or care about, and can’t even imagine what a different way of life might look or feel like. Your most authentic self, however, is the truest reflection of your soul, and there is a part of you that will always recognize it. As a result, any thoughts, feelings, or behaviors that aren’t genuine to who you are or what you value can create roadblocks and make it harder to navigate obstacles. It’s only when your efforts match what feels right or authentic to you that the end result will create contentment.
No wonder Spirit says authenticity is linked to how often you self-reflect and how honest that conversation is. You can’t travel your best path if you don’t know what underscores and motivates your choices. During a session, a client’s Team might show me a mirror with my own reflection in it and sing a few lines from Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror.” This is my cue to suggest that you think about where your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors stem from; apply what you realize to the situation you’re in; and then own what you learn.
Spirit is quick to call out clients who don’t self-reflect or strive for authenticity, because ignoring this spiritual priority has far-reaching consequences. Their Team will show me how the person blames others for mishaps, circumvents honest discussions, offers meaningless apologies, or ignores the role their choices play during a struggle. These folks think they can hide who they are, but the rest of their life gives them away. They wrestle with their beliefs, feel depressed, have anger issues, and chase dysfunctional relationships. They inadvertently become blocked from happiness and a smooth energetic flow because they create an identity based on other people’s perceptions, willful oblivion, denial, and/or a fear of owning who they are.
In the pursuit of authenticity, I typically ask clients to reflect in the midst of challenges, a little at a time, because anything more is a tall order. If you globalize your search—as in, I will now meditate indefinitely to learn who I am in my soul—you will try to tackle too much at once. But if self-reflection is a regular practice and authenticity is your motivator and goal, your momentum will naturally build toward progress. It’s like how my friend Ali had a meticulously decorated home until her toddler learned to walk, jump, and color, which basically destroyed the house she adored. Since moving was financially unrealistic, Ali renovated her house, one small detail at a time, until one day she looked up and had, in fact, a new house entirely. Likewise, if you self-reflect on a situation-by-situation basis, you will recognize what needs to be fixed, improve upon these things, and discover an authentic nature that feels as good as new.
I find that it helps to regularly check in with yourself to make sure you’re being true to who you are and what your goals are. For instance, if a situation is unfolding at work that you’re uncomfortable with, ask yourself: What role did I play here? Has it happened before, and what did I do to help resolve it? Or if you’re in a relationship rut that makes you feel sorry for yourself, think about how you could express your needs and standards more clearly. Your soul’s imprint has an innate understanding of what is right and wrong for you, and reflection refamiliarizes you with it. It helps you gauge the extent to which you’re being true to your soul. This is so essential because when you’re feeling, thinking, and behaving authentically, the universe’s energy flows more easily in your favor.
In this chapter, you’ll learn to use Believe, Ask, and Act to self-reflect during a conflict, recognize and adjust your thoughts and behaviors toward authenticity, and apply this perspective to future situations. Even if you struggle with your past, no experience is wasted, because it can inform and redirect your later choices. When you understand your role in a challenge, you can understand its triggers and avoid conflicts ahead. You become increasingly open to seeing who you are and sharing it with others.
●Believe that you radiate the divine essence with which you were born. This comes from God’s energy and lives within your soul. It gives you the strength to reflect and express yourself in good times and bad.
●Believe that when you reflect, you must talk to yourself with honesty because as with any relationship, the one you have with your soul grows from open communication. The self-reflection process is also meaningful because it allows you to revisit a moment, see what’s positive and negative about it, and learn from the situation. Think about what makes you feel pain, happiness, strength, frustration, and anger, and you’ll become clear on how to duplicate or avoid their causes. Spirit says we all respond to and act on emotion, so turn inward to unpack the feelings that influence you, until you operate from your most pure nature.
●Believe that your angels and guides will help you create a life that’s compatible with your imprint when you’re willing to be yourself. Spirit says everyone has positive opportunities available to them, no matter how hard their past or current life feels, but you must Believe in possibility and that happiness will come if your pursuits are authentic.
●Believe that when you seek who you are and realize your potential, the search may require careful evaluation, but the result will take your breath away. I once read about a scientist who studied seemingly bland grains of Hawaiian sand at a magnification power of up to 300 times under a microscope. As a result, he learned that this sand is actually remnants of tropical sea organisms that look like shiny gems in luminous shades of gold, pink, lilac, green, and blue. In a similar vein, you must Believe the authentic nature that God gave you is worth a closer look.
●Believe that when you’re in tune with your soul and God’s intentions, you aren’t just happier in this world. You’re able to hear your instincts and follow them more closely. You’ll also understand others better and why they react to you the way they do. All of this helps you navigate your life and the lessons you must learn to grow your soul and eventually guide others from Heaven.
One thing I love about the Ask step is that it immediately shifts your attention away from any self-criticism or external chaos and forces you to really tune in to your authentic inner voice. This isn’t always easy, as I saw with one my clients named Kathy. Over the course of five years, Kathy was in a dangerous accident, spent time in an unfulfilling relationship, and faced financial issues from battling her ex for alimony and child support. As a result, she made uncharacteristic choices and ignored her gut because she’d gradually forgotten what matters to her during a difficult time. Most of her decisions, then, grew from fear of being alone, financial worry, and feeling overwhelmed with the recent hardships in her life. When I read Kathy, her Team said she was committed to a positive path but kept hitting roadblocks because she’d lost herself during an exhausting haul. What mattered most was how she was choosing to recover.
When clients feel insecure about who they are and aren’t clear on what they need to feel happy, they initially tend to sense their Team’s advice but then go on to ignore it. They’re so accustomed to doubting themselves that they second-guess their instincts. This, too, was the case with Kathy. At one point, she’d lost her engagement ring and suspected this was her guides’ way of suggesting she reconsider her relationship, yet Kathy didn’t Act on the sign she intuited. Instead, she hunkered down in her rut because leaving her fiancé meant taking a chance on herself. During a reading with me, Kathy’s Team actually told me that they did move the ring to get her attention and said that if she continued making fear-based choices instead of chasing solutions that resonated with her soul, she’d stay in her negative cycle. I suggested Kathy Ask some of the questions in this section the next time she was in a stressful situation and listen hard to what her gut was trying to tell her.
So a week later when the pipes burst in Kathy’s house, flooding her basement, she was tempted to rail against the universe and Ask her Team to cut her a break. Instead, Kathy asked them how she was contributing to the situation, how she could use her best qualities to fix her situation, and what she could do to create change. Immediately, Kathy knew that she wasn’t mad at God and was actually frustrated because the pipes cost a lot to fix, and her ex was behind on a house payment that could alleviate her situation. Kathy also admitted it wasn’t entirely her ex’s fault; she was also mad at herself for avoiding a confrontation with him until now. Spirit urged Kathy to voice her needs, and when she did, her ex wrote her that check. She stood up for herself and what she believed in, and the universe responded in kind.
Call on a soul that’s encouraged you in the past and supported your self-esteem. This could be a departed loved one, teacher, religious figure, God’s white light—any energy that represents authenticity, encouragement, and possibility to you. Remember, you can always call on your highest angels and guides if you prefer.
With your conflict in mind, take a few deep breaths to clear your head, and ground and protect yourself. Visualize that the soul you chose is with you now as you state this intention: “I will think, feel, and behave authentically as I resolve this struggle.” Listen carefully for Spirit’s answers, spoken through your intuition. Say thank you after the exercises and as you receive your Universal Team’s guidance.
Meditation 1: Know Who You Are
How am I contributing to this situation, and do I like the person I’m being?
What triggers this (mad, sad, angry . . . ) feeling in me?
Do I find myself in situations like this a lot?
Who am I in my soul instead?
Meditation 2: Improve Your Situation
Do I want to continue thinking, feeling, and behaving this way?
What can I do to change the outcome?
What is the lesson in this?
Meditation 3: Begin to Own the Result
Picture yourself in front of a mirror with your reflection staring back. Visualize a word on your forehead that embodies what you most dominantly feel about your situation. Ask the soul you called on to replace that word with a positive feeling that you’d like to embrace, one that reflects who you truly are. Finally Ask, “What is the next step I can take that reflects my soul and the highest good for everyone involved?”
As you Act from a more authentic place, your genuine spirit may behave very different from another person’s. This might sound obvious, but a lot of clients ask if there’s one Spirit-approved version of authenticity when individuality is the whole point. Your authenticity might even surprise you by being more daring, compassionate, or even-keeled than you realized you could be in any consistent way. This is what’s happened to me. I’ve come to learn that my true nature is kind and loyal but also has an independent, fierce edge. I’d forgotten this because I was so eager to please in my early twenties and first marriage. But I’m certain this kind but assertive person is “the real me” because I feel what I can only describe as peace and relief as I go about my day, behaving in a way that opens doors when I’m in sync with my soul. I’m no longer hiding who I am and changing my actions based on a mask or misperception. I’m being myself.
It’s interesting to note that Spirit assures me if you don’t Act authentically, your relationships will suffer most—personal, professional, casual, familial, you name it. If you don’t know yourself, you’ll choose friends and partners who disappoint you, but you won’t know why. When things don’t go the way you’d hoped, you’ll point the finger at others rather than examine how you contribute to a relationship and alienate everyone in your midst. It will always be someone else’s fault—from intimate friends to government institutions—because the onus will never be on you. You’ll consistently hold others, and the truth, at arm’s length because doing otherwise feels uncomfortable. This may lead to intimacy issues because you’ll worry that when people get to know you, they won’t like what they see.
When Spirit talks about a lack of authenticity causing relationship blocks, they point to my client Bryan, who was bullied in elementary school and allowed the memory of his tormentor to upset him into his early forties. Bryan blamed this person for why he rarely, as an adult, initiated new friendships, trusted strangers, or participated in social situations at work. Bryan also flinched if so much as a conversation, person, or movie reminded him of his past. So when his wife, Tina, jokingly called him a “big dummy” for not responding to an e-mail she sent, Bryan freaked out; unbeknownst to Tina, his bully called him that, too. Bryan’s reaction startled them both, and he hated that he’d become upset at someone he loved and trusted. The incident forced Bryan to realize it was time to deal with his baggage because, while he could act skittish or insecure at times, this was not who he felt he was or wanted to show the world.
Bryan had to do quite a bit of self-reflection before he could Act. He Asked his Team questions that helped him realize that while he was bullied as a child, he was beating himself up as an adult. He learned that he fed his memories by allowing outdated fears to harm great relationships in real time. When he was ready to actively value himself, Bryan Asked his Team to guide him to Act. It occurred to him that if he found his bully on Facebook, the visual would help him see that his onetime foe wasn’t so scary after all.
Sure enough, when Bryan spotted the bully’s photo, the man looked nothing like the monster Bryan had created in his mind. “He seemed like such a nice, normal guy!” Bryan told me. “Once I saw that he wasn’t the evil person I’d demonized all these years, I no longer had a valid excuse for why I couldn’t be myself all the time.” The reality check helped Bryan release the shame, fear, and embarrassment he’d felt for so long and start exploring who he is at his core—a warm, funny, and surprisingly outgoing guy. He has since become more comfortable in his own skin and spends time with new friends, has a less needy marriage, and even organizes drinks with colleagues. In other words, Bryan fully embraces his true self and is at his best because of it.
To do this, draw a chart with four columns, and at the top, summarize the conflict you’re working on in one sentence or phrase. As an example, let’s use “Being a people-pleaser at work.” You can also post a visual next to this statement if you’d like—maybe a picture from a magazine that crystallizes the conflict, such as a desk or stop sign—although this isn’t necessary for the board to work. Then, in the first column, choose a word that encapsulates how the conflict makes you feel, and be specific. So if your boss asks you to stay late at the last minute when you have other plans, a word like insignificant or powerless is more precise than angry. In the second column, state a realistic emotional goal, which might be the opposite of how you’re feeling—here, respected or valued is apt. In the third row, identify where your feelings are stemming from. So with your boss, it might be “Childhood insecurities. If I don’t say ‘yes,’ then nobody will like me.” Finally, in the fourth row, admit your role in the debacle. In this case, “I do give in every time I’m asked to do something, so I’ve set a precedent that it’s okay.”
After you’ve created your Accountability Board, walk away from it for twenty-four hours, and consider how it reinforces or inspires you to change your current actions in a positive way. Reflect on how to correct this authenticity issue. In the pleaser example, you may want to have a conversation with your boss about how you are happy to stay late on occasion but would like to be asked in advance.