Life teaches us that the less you have to bring to the party in terms of looks, charm, education, professional achievement, intelligence, worldly experience, famous relatives, and yes, of course, that ultimate game changer, money—the harder it will be for you to get to the top. That is, unless you’re a Mountaineer.
Though the world is neither fair nor democratic, those lacking any or all of the above assets will be happy to know that if you are mediocre-looking and lacking in special skills, you have an advantage when it comes to a career in climbing. Why? Because the more accomplished and attractive you are, the more likely it is you will be pegged as a social climber.
What separates the good social climber (that is, the invisible one) from the bad (i.e., the obvious) has nothing to do with how pushy, self-serving, or ruthless you are. It’s all about manners. And we will teach you tricks of etiquette that will make your climb seem as innocent and uncalculated as a child’s smile.
Proper etiquette for the social climber involves far more than just remembering to say please and thank you. Social climbing is a strategy for getting more out of life. As such, bluffs, feints, tactical retreats, flanking maneuvers, ambushes, forced marches, and yes, unfortunately, collateral damage to innocents are involved in victory.
If done correctly, it is not unlike cyber warfare. You are the virus, and the enemy—all those who have access to things you want who are not yet your new best friends—will have no idea they’re under attack until you have gained entrée and moved on to the next party.
But before we decide which stratagems will work best for you, let’s begin by asking ourselves a few personal questions:
What Are My Assets?
Not sure? Why don’t we start by removing our clothes (that includes underwear) and taking a good hard look at ourselves in the mirror.
If you don’t like what you see, remember: Penicillin started out as mold.
Would you describe yourself as less than gorgeous? Subhandsome? Are you overweight? Out of shape? Plagued by the heartbreak of psoriasis? Would you refuse to have sex with someone who resembled yourself?
EMPOWERING THOUGHT #4
We are not like all the other self-help books that tell you to love yourself just as you are, not as the world tells you you should be and then proceed to make you feel bad for not going to the gym, and/or for drinking alone, and/or for self-medicating with prescription drugs. We want you to appreciate your shortcomings as much as we do.
So now that you’re naked, we want you to repeat our Mantra for Upward Mobility. I CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME NOT TO BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY SAY ABOUT ME IS TRUE IF I DON’T WANT IT TO BE. I WILL NOT BE JUDGED.
As you’re repeating your new mantra, here’s another thought that will cheer you up: One of the great things about social climbing is that being a beautiful person, either physically or spiritually, is not always an asset.
Particularly as you climb to the higher rungs of the ladder, you will discover that those worth getting to know—the megarich, the hugely powerful, what we like to call Whales—are extraordinary people but rarely extraordinarily physically attractive people.
If we were being mean we might say Microsoft’s Paul Allen has the look of a mortician and Bill Gates resembles a snail out of his shell; or suggest corporate raider Ron Perelman was the inspiration for SpongeBob’s snobby neighbor, Squidward. Our point is, if you check the Forbes 400, the top of the food chain isn’t pretty. Movie stars, supermodels, and rock stars may be better-looking, but they’re ugly in their own way. Human nature being what it is, people who are filthy rich and powerful and famous and less than beautiful want to surround themselves with people who will make them feel more attractive by comparison, i.e., you.
The privileged elite, the Mountaineers’ portals to a brighter future, are what we call Big Fish. Though we can be accused of mixing metaphors, you will soon discover that one can’t get close to the top of the mountain without learning how to recognize, hook, and filet Big Fish. Having spent their lives working and climbing to get where they are, Big Fish want friends they can count on to envy them, friends who will make them feel superior: friends like you.
Those readers whose assets do not include physical beauty should also know they have one huge advantage when it comes to social climbing. If you are clearly more attractive than the Big Fish, i.e., gorgeous/handsome, they will want to have sex with you. If you have sex with them, they will either be disappointed or, worse, fall for you and want to have sex with you again and again and again, thereby becoming possessive and limiting your ability to move on and seduce one of their richer and more powerful friends.
Now, stop chanting. Put your clothes back on, and let’s take a look in your closet.
As Coco Chanel said, dress as you wish to be perceived. First and foremost, social climbers should look like they belong . . . anywhere. Unless, of course, it’s in your interest to look like you don’t belong, which is a more complex strategy that will be covered later. You want to fit in and at the same time set yourself apart just enough so that you’ll be remembered. Your outfit should tell a story—invite conversation, curiosity, and just enough envy to make people think you’re worthy of their friendship.
A large hat with a veil for women, or a fedora for men, pulled rakishly low over one eye, can make the difference between being remembered as the guest with the unfortunate nose and being recalled as the fun person in the chapeau.
As a rule of thumb, never be overdressed, for the simple reason that it will make it clear how hard you’re trying to be something you’re not. Those who actually belong to whatever social strata you’re trying to move up into won’t be trying hard. Which means no matter how hard you’re working at pretending to be someone other than yourself, it should appear at all times that you are just being yourself.
Of course, occasionally arriving in a ball gown or a tuxedo to a casual event can work wonders for you if you wear it in a way that implies you’re on your way to somewhere fancier, better, and more socially promising, which in turn will give your hosts, who more often than not are as socially ambitious as yourself, the false impression that you might have connections they can exploit to their advantage.
Here are some suggested fun looks for the social climber—looks that will make you seem worth getting to know at a glance but not strange. A word to the wise: You want your outfit to be a conversation starter, not a joke.
If you’re a Sikh, go with the turban and uncut hair, aka the kes, along with the other four Ks, the kanga (wooden comb), kara (steel or iron bracelet), kirpan (dagger), and the special sexy kachhera (underwear). Look what the Mormon Church’s magical briefs did for Mitt Romney. If you have a drop of Scottish blood in you, wear your kilt and sporran when flambéing the boulevard. Indonesian (or just look it), a blue blazer and a sarong is a worldly ice breaker. For those who are from the Arabian Gulf states, a word to the wise: Though a head scarf is dashing, a burka and full robes might get in the way of your dance floor fun, unless of course you’re the daughter of an Emirate emir and have a disco in your 747.
Whatever look you go for, stick with it—not having to waste time shopping or deciding what to wear will give you more time to work on your social life.
How to Sound Like a Somebody
The rules have changed since My Fair Lady’s Eliza Doolittle had to learn how to talk fancy. The era when an accent could hinder your climb is fortunately behind us. Sounding as if you come from somewhere when you come from nowhere can be a plus. Texas twang, southern drawl, English, Australian, Pakistani, whatever, don’t lose it, go with it. It will make you seem more authentic. The one caveat to this rule, of course, is if your accent is “Jersey Shore”—in this case, if elocution lessons are not an option, the quickest way for you to get respect is to let your host or hostess know that your family is in organized crime.
In terms of presentation, one last piece of advice: A good social climber doesn’t look or smell nervous. If you belong, you don’t sweat. Now because you’re soon going to be stepping into situations where you don’t belong, carry a clean handkerchief and a good deodorant on your person at all times. Never forget: When a social climber steps into a room, he or she should smell like a breath of fresh air.