hiding-place

Betita’s afraid of the dark. So afraid.

I wish Betita was here. But I was afraid and I dropped her. Poor Betita. The two-snake-man kicked her down the stairs. Betita is my best-friend, my best-doll. Isela is just my sister, but Betita is my best-baby. Betita has great big black eyes painted wide open with big big lashes. Black string for hair and a soft-pillow body. Her dress is pink ’cause Mami knows that pink is my best-color. Betita is very smart and very brave. She’s only afraid of two things—the dark and the Cucuy. The Cucuy has two black horns shooting out of his head and two antennae as big as his body that whip back and forth. He has glowing red eyes and a shiny shell like a cockroach and eight spider legs with claws. Every night he comes looking for me.

I asked my Mami for a night-light because I didn’t want Betita to cry all night instead of sleeping. So we have a little angel with big blue eyes and wings like a yellow butterfly that watches over us when we’re sleeping. The Cucuy doesn’t like the yellow-butterfly-angels ’cause they have poison in their hands. Mami says if the yellow-butterfly-angels touch the Cucuy, the Cucuy will scream and die.

It’s so cold in here. Poor Betita. It’s my fault she’s broken now. Mami said, be quiet when the grown-ups are talking. The two-snake-man hit me when I started crying. I didn’t want him to hit me again so I ran away. This is my best-hiding-place, but it’s so dark in here. Mami calls it a closet, but it doesn’t have any clothes, just lots and lots of boxes and stuff. And just enough room under the bottom shelf for me to hide.

Even though I’m covering my ears, I can still hear them yelling. Mami and the two-snake-man fight all the time. The first time I saw him hit her, I ran up to him and kicked him and kicked him. He pushed me and I hit my head on the door. Mami screamed when she saw blood on my head. She picked up a knife and tried to stab him in the chest. He grabbed her arms and said bad things to her. Then he threw her down and left the house, slamming the door behind him. Mami got up and picked me up. She washed the blood off my head with water from the kitchen sink and told me I should never-never-never hit the two-snake-man. She called him my Daddy.

The first time Mami brought the two-snake-man to our house, she said I could call him Daddy. But he’s not my Daddy. When Mami wasn’t looking, he pinched me and told me, I ain’t your fucking daddy, little girl. I felt like I was going to cry but he grabbed my arm and pulled it, I’m not your uncle, neither, you call me sir or you call me Mr. Evans. You run crying to your mommy, and you’re going to be in big trouble. So I didn’t say anything. I just stared at his white-skinned arm with the black two-snake tattoo and waited till he let go. I wish he would go away but Mami says we’re her best-family, best-in-the-world. Him, me and Isela. The two-snake-man tries to act nice when Mami can see him, but I can see that his eyes are lying.

They’re still yelling. I’m not going to come out until they stop yelling. I’ll wait until I hear the door slam and the two-snake-man’s pickup leave. Then Mami will come looking for me. She’ll have big tears in her eyes but she won’t be crying, and she’ll hug me real hard until I can’t breathe and carry me to my bed and sing me to sleep.

Mami doesn’t think I remember Papa, but I do. He was always laughing. He always made Mami laugh. We would all go to the park, eat ice cream, and walk hand-in-hand. I remember he’ d carry me on his shoulder and I would reach out to touch all the trees. I was never scared when Papa was alive.

I don’t know why Mami says she loves the two-snake-man. When I grow up, I won’t love anyone who hits me or yells at me. I won’t let anyone hurt my babies.

I’m so sleepy. My eyes are burning. I wish Betita was here.

I have to be quiet.

It’s so dark.

I think I hear something. Something’s clicking on the floor. Clicking one way and then clicking the other way. Waiting for me to open the closet door. I can hear his claws against the floor. The Cucuy wants to come inside and breathe on my skin. It wants to bite me and taste my blood. How did the Cucuy know I was hiding here?

I have to be quiet-quiet. As quiet as I can be. Maybe he’ll leave. But I can hear my own heart beating. It’s beating so loud. The Cucuy’s going to hear my loud-loud-heart. He won’t even have to see me in the dark. He’ll just break through the door and his claws will go straight through me. Be quiet, little heart, we have to hide.

I don’t hear the clicking. What is the Cucuy doing? I know he’s still there. He’s listening. Quiet, little heart, quiet.

Click. Click. Click. The Cucuy’s on the other side of the door.

Click. Click. Click. I can hear the Cucuy breathing. I can’t scream. If I scream, the two-snake-man will come and hit me. I can’t scream. Go away, Cucuy, go away and leave me alone.

I wish I had Betita. I wish she would get up and come to me. The Cucuy wouldn’t see her. She could squeeze herself tight and flat under the door, come crawling into my lap and then I could hold her tight. And she would keep me safe and I would keep her safe and together we would make a runaway-plan. I think the two-snake-man broke her legs or she would have come already.

I need my Mami.

But I can still hear them fighting. Their yellings are like rocks rolling through the house, hitting all the walls and crashing down the stairs.

I can’t scream. Where’s Mami? What’s the two-snake-man doing to her? I can hear Mami screaming. I have to go help her. Where’s Isela? I crawl out from under the shelf and reach for the door, but then the Cucuy reaches under the door and scratches both my legs. It hurts. I reach down in the dark and feel blood on my legs. Click. Scratch. Scratch. The Cucuy’s still trying to reach me. I fall on the floor and crawl back under the shelf.

I hear a sound like thunder and then the screaming stops.

As long as I stay hiding here, the Cucuy can’t reach me. Can’t hurt me. It’s been dark for so long.

They’re too quiet. Did they fall asleep? If I scream, I’ll wake them up. The two-snake-man yells at me when I wake them up at night. Says, I’m sick of all your screaming. One of these days I’m going to take your mama with me and leave you here by yourself. I don’t need any brats keeping me up.

Why can’t anyone else hear the Cucuy? He’s waiting for me to try to run away. Waiting for me to scream. Waiting for me to open the door.

Mami says the best way to keep the Cucuy away is to pretend like I’m sleeping-sleeping. That he’ll go away if he can’t scare me. She told me to close my eyes real hard and take deep breaths like I’m sleeping. But I can’t sleep here. I’m so cold. I have to pee. I think I’m going to explode if I don’t pee. The Cucuy keeps leaning against the door and reaching under it with his claws. His claws scratch-scratch the floor.

I’m as quiet as I can be. As small as I can be. Why doesn’t he go away?

I don’t want to cry, but I do, and the Cucuy laughs. My tears run down my face and fall on the floor. The Cucuy reaches in with his claws and tastes my tears. Stop-it-stop-it. He’s laughing and trying to touch my face. Stop-it-stop-it. Don’t touch me. He’s leaning on the door so hard it’s beginning to crack. No. Don’t touch me. I can’t make myself any smaller. I can’t get away. StopIt-StopIt. I can’t scream or the two-snake-man will take my Mami away.

I. Can’t. Scream.

The Cucuy’s claws are clicking on the floor right in front of my face. Don’t touch my eyes. Stop-it-stop-it. I can’t scream. Where’s my Mami? Don’t let it eat me. Don’t let it take me, Mami. Where are you?

The Cucuy’s claws are coming closer and closer. He’s scratching against my legs. I can’t scream. I cover my mouth with my hands because it hurts and I want to scream so bad. The Cucuy’s pounding on the door. Why can’t Mami hear it? Why doesn’t she know what’s happening to me? Everything hurts. I’m falling apart. Go away, Cucuy, go away! I bite my hands and taste my own blood. I bite my hands and I can feel the little bones inside. The Cucuy’s laughing.

I make my hands into tight fists and I hit the Cucuy’s claws. I hit him and hit him, but the Cucuy keeps laughing and scratching my legs.

Where’s my Mami? What if the two-snake-man took her away?

I think I hear Betita crying. She’s broken somewhere. Maybe she’s dying.

And where’s my little sister? Did the two-snake-man take my Mami and Isela? Or is Isela hiding somewhere, crying and more scared than I am? She’s too little. I can’t let the Cucuy hurt her too. I can’t leave her alone. I have to fight the Cucuy. I have to be strong like the yellow-butterfly-angels.

I reach out all around me and my hands close around something I can use.

Don’t-touch-me, Cucuy, don’t-touch-me. I’ll kill you. Touch me and I’ll kill you. You’re going to scream and die. You’re not going to get my little sister.

I’m coming, Isela! I yell, opening the door, raising up both arms and then swinging down as hard as I can.