What you used to say, and what you’ll say now that you know all of your child’s strategies.
It’s time to do a little check. How does a typical day at your home begin? What are the words you choose to say to your son or daughter first thing in the morning? Are they commands? Questions? Do they sound anything like one of these?
And then a few that fathers are famous for:
And with these comments—usually launched by you—the volleyball game begins bright and early. If you don’t start the conversation, then you tend to up the ante when you volley back.
In for the Kill?
Volleyball is a great sport. If you’ve ever had the occasion to watch college volleyball or skilled high school volleyball, it’s fascinating. The ball is launched over the net, and a setter sets the ball straight up in the air so that the big, tall spiker can smash it to the floor, earning that team a point. That’s called a kill.
It’s a little like what parents do, but they often play both the setter and the spiker. They set up the kid to fight, and then they spout a comment that’s like a kill—a slam dunk to the floor.
It usually ends with something like, “And that’s FINAL!” You would have thought that Julius Caesar himself in his toga walked into the room and pronounced judgment on the scene.
What happens next?
If there’s one thing that can get a parent going, it’s when they issue a dictate or command and their powerful kid gives them the “I couldn’t care less” look. It’s fuel for the fire in your belly, isn’t it? Admit it.
If you’re like most parents, you’ll fire back—put the kid in his place.
But ask yourself, is that really what you want to do?
This chapter is called “Rewiring Your Home.” You’re the master electrician here. You know the difference between the red wire and the black wire and what sparks a fight. You can feel it coming—whether it’s a fight between siblings or between yourself and your power-driven child.
Remember, though, that you’re the adult here (see chapter 12). A child doesn’t get power out of thin air. He learns to be powerful by interacting with powerful people. It’s possible the other powerful person is a sibling, but in all probability it’s one (or both) of the parents—the one issuing all those authoritarian orders at the beginning of this chapter.
But the good news is that if you’ve learned that powerful, authoritarian way of barking out orders, you can unlearn it and then do something different.
In fact, it’s as simple as ABC:
Take Two
Let’s replay the scenes above with you focusing on that ABC. What did you use to say, and what will you say and do now that’s different?
Scenario #1
What you used to say: “Are you deaf or something? Don’t you hear me? You’ve got to get up. I can hear the bus. It’s in the neighborhood.”
What you’ll say and do now: “Joshua, you might want to know that it’s 8:20.” You say it once, then turn your back and walk away.
Don’t even go there with the pestering. This new statement is milder, and it’s not apt to set off the trigger in your power-driven child. Most power-driven kids are going to find a way to be negative with whatever you say to them. But you don’t want to incite their fury by rubbing their nose in it. And that’s what parents tend to do—play the one-upmanship game. In effect, you’re saying, “I’m bigger than you are, so you have to do what I ask you to do.” Nothing kicks off a fight more than a superior attitude.
Scenario #2
What you used to say: “I’m telling you for the very last time. You know, I’ve about had it with you.”
What you’ll say and do now: Nothing. Don’t tell him for the last time, because you already told him. Say it once, and let that be a teachable moment. Never repeat yourself. Where is it written in the parental guidebook that you have to remind your child? Think of reminders this way: they are actually disrespectful acts. So are warnings. The respectful thing to do is to hold your child accountable for what he does in life.
Did you learn from your mistakes growing up? Do you learn from your mistakes as an adult? What makes you think your son or daughter isn’t going to learn from their mistakes? Your rewired home needs to be a place where failure isn’t fatal. There has to be an atmosphere of grace.
Scenario #3
What you used to say: “Hello! Your pancakes are turning into ice cubes. Don’t be complaining to me that they’re cold.”
What you’ll say and do now: Twelve minutes later, your child finally comes to breakfast and says, “Hey, my pancakes are cold!” You say, “Well, I’ve gotta tell you the truth—mine were warm and tasty 12 minutes ago.” It’s a way of slipping your kid a commercial announcement. (It’s better than what you want to say: “Hey, stupid, if you would have been here 12 minutes ago, you and I would have enjoyed warm, tasty pancakes together, and we could have bonded.”) Or you could be even more straightforward and say, “I bet they are. Could it have anything to do with the fact that when I called you and the pancakes were warm and fresh off the griddle, you chose to hit the snooze alarm in your head and get some extra minutes of sleep?”
Don’t look for trouble. As I love to say, “Keep your sails out of your child’s wind.”
Every parent on the planet vows at one point, “I’m never going to say that to my kid in the same tone my parents said it to me.” Don’t kid yourself. You’re a creature of habit. We’re all emotional creatures of habit. We tend to say to our kids what our parents said to us. Take a look at the research on kids who were abused. You don’t need a master’s degree to figure out the result, do you? Kids who are abused grow into adults who abuse their children. If a kid lives with criticism, he’ll grow up to criticize other people too.
Scenario #4
What you used to say: “Your alarm clock’s gone off five times.”
“All right, I’m going to get a bucket of water.”
What you’ll say and do now: Shut your mouth, walk away, and understand that your child will be late today. It will be an inconvenience for you as a parent, but just having children is a huge inconvenience. So you might as well put a seat belt on and enjoy the ride. Sometimes being a good parent means shutting your mouth and letting life unfurl. It means letting your son or daughter experience the consequences of their poor decisions.
Scenario #5
What you used to say: “Do you have your clarinet? It’s band day.”
What you’ll say and do now: Is it your clarinet? Then why should you say or do anything? Okay, I know you rent the clarinet, but it’s your child’s. Don’t own what isn’t yours. When you step into ownership, you weaken your powerful child’s ability to make healthy decisions. This is one of those times where you need to shut up, even when you’re tempted to do otherwise.
Scenario #6
What you used to say: “You can’t wear that. It’s 37 degrees out. Go and change.”
“If you think you’re going to school like that, young man, you’re wrong. Whatever you did to your hair, undo it.”
“Listen, if you think you’re wearing that skeleton earring, you’re not. If you have to wear it with your guy friends on the weekend, I guess I’ll let it pass. But you’re not wearing it to school.”
What you’ll say and do now: As hard as it is not to see yourself as a fashion designer, think back to all the dumb things you wore as a kid. Every generation has their own style of dressing. My generation had draped pants that were tight at the ankles and baggy the rest of the way up. If they were royal blue, so much the better. And the greasier the hair, the better. If you could get a little curl going on your forehead and look like the late Tony Curtis, you were awesome.
Stupid looking, but awesome.
Aren’t you glad we have pictures to remind ourselves of what we were like in our day?
Every generation goes out of its way to be sure they are different from the one before them (their parents’ generation). It happens the world over, friends, but deal with it in as positive a way as you possibly can.
However, with that said, if the outfit doesn’t fit the season at all, you have every right to say, “I see you’re not ready to go to school yet. I happened to notice that it’s 37 degrees out and you have shorts on.” This works best in a situation where you’re driving your child to school. It’s also especially important if your child has a low immunity.
Your child will give you the “Oh, come on, or we’ll be late” line.
And you say calmly, “I’ll take you when you’re ready.”
Sometimes you have to play that card. Other times you don’t, and your kid freezes her tail off. And when she does, she might think, Huh, maybe this would have been a good day to wear long pants.
Ah, lesson learned . . . and without your harping.
Scenario #7
What you used to say: “How many times do I have to tell you, mind your own business. Your sister can make that decision by herself. She doesn’t need you.”
“Keep your hands to yourself.”
What you’ll say and do now: Let the siblings work it out between them. If you stay out of the fight—and, even better, remove yourself from the room—it’s amazing how swiftly a fight can fizzle out. That’s because your two powerful, attention-seeking kids no longer have an audience.
I used to tell my kids, “Row your own canoe” anytime they decided to get into a fracas with each other. It usually ended the argument quickly.
Scenario #8
What you used to say: “If a bird had your brain, he’d fly sideways.”
“You’re going to be the death of me yet.”
“You drive me completely insane.”
What you’ll say and do now: An apology is due. You went way over the line and made a fool of yourself. You have a responsibility to say the redemptive words, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Please forgive me for my thoughtlessness.” Believe it or not, those words knock down barriers, opening hearts and minds. Words are very personal. They either move right to the jugular vein or soothe a wounded heart, so consider them carefully before you say them.
Scenario #9
What you used to say: “All right, but this is the last time I’ve driving you to school.”
What you’ll say and do now: In all probability, this isn’t the last time, because you’ve already taught your son or daughter that what you say really doesn’t mean anything. The fact that you repeat things further proves it. So again, who is the organ grinder and who is the monkey? Who’s training whom?
We train our kids not to listen to us, to blow off whatever we say. That’s because they live with us and know that we might huff and puff, but by the end of the day we’ll get over it, and then the kids are free to go to the game they want to go to.
If you use the “this is the last time” language, your kids end up anesthetized. Ditto for the word no with toddlers. They’re so hammered with it by the time they’re 4 years old that it has lost its meaning. So say “no” less. Instead, pick up your toddler and divert his attention from whatever he’s doing that you don’t want him to. Remove him to another part of the home. That’s teaching and training the child but doing it in an action-oriented way. Then the needless barbs and cheap shots that parents can be so good at with their kids won’t be necessary. “No” will be used only when it really counts. Then your powerful kid will know you mean business.
Scenario #10
What you used to say: “No, you’re not taking three Snickers bars for lunch. You’re gonna get worms and lose all your teeth. Then I’ll have to take you to the vet and deworm you.”
What you’ll say and do now: Since you care about what your child eats, and you’ve read a lot of articles about the health and nutrition of children, you take the three Snickers bars out of her lunch. You say gently, “Honey, I know it’s tempting, but we’ll leave these for another time.” Part of good parenting is remaining in control of your emotions—not overdoing things, being pragmatic and action-oriented, and thinking your way to behavioral change.
Scenario #11
What you used to say: “I can’t wait until your father gets home, because I’m going to remember this moment, and he’s going to hear every word you just said. I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes tonight.”
“I’ve got a mind not to let you go to prom.”
“Don’t talk to your mother like that.”
What you’ll say and do now: Kids see through threats and warnings very quickly. The more repetitive they are, the less meaning they’ll have. Every word you say, you’re accountable for. People say “you make me mad” all the time, but the reality is, you choose to be mad. You’re the one who makes the decision to blurt out words that hurt.
If you walk into a room that your kids have destroyed—one you recently picked up—a good, healthy thing to say is, “I am so angry and upset at the sight of this room.” Notice that this is an honest statement. You are angry, and you are upset. You’re showing your displeasure that your kids have chosen to diss the room you cleaned. But you also spoke the truth in love. You say it once, and then you walk away.
Here’s an important principle you need to know: by saying you’re angry and upset, you’ve raked hot coals over your kids, because they don’t like it when Mom or Dad is upset. Few parents understand that, but it’s a great form of discipline. If your kids have even a shred of morality or decency, they’ll quickly go in and take care of that room they messed up.
Speaking the truth in love and with a calm voice goes a long way in dealing with discipline issues. Passing the buck—“I can’t wait until your father gets home”—is a sign of weakness. If something happens on your watch, you deal with it. Don’t put your mate in that precarious position of walking into a situation they didn’t witness and didn’t experience and then being thrust into the role of Judge Judy. Not only is that unfair, but it does you both a disservice and weakens your parental authority.
Scenario #12
What you used to say: “Why’s the front door open? What are we doing, heating the neighborhood?”
“Do you think money grows on trees?”
What you’ll say and do now: Realize that what you’re saying is a put-down. Instead, say, “Katherine, would you please close the front door? I see someone left it open.” In all probability, if Katherine was the culprit, she’ll say, “Sorry, Dad.” At least that’s what most kids—even power-driven ones—will say if approached that way. It focuses on the action instead of the actor in those situations. If you try to rub a kid’s nose in their mistake, it won’t help your relationship at all. It sets your kid against you.
Scenario #13
What you used to say: “Get that look off your face right now, or I’ll change it for you.”
What you’ll say and do now: You might say, “I can see by the look on your face that you’re not happy with what I asked you to do.” That statement opens the door for some discussion rather than leading to hurling insults at each other. It shows that you respect your child’s opinion and thoughts, and it allows you a teachable moment: “There are a few things we ask you to do every day and every week in this home, and we do that for a reason. You are a member of this family, and you benefit from all the amenities this family offers.”
Scenario #14
What you used to say: “That garbage is still sitting there. It doesn’t take itself out, you know. Hello, it’s Monday.”
“You two deserve each other.” (Said to warring siblings.)
“Why we had children, I’ll never know. Chinchillas. We shoulda had chinchillas.”
What you’ll say and do now: An apology is due. You’re dissing your kids.
Okay, now you try it:
Scenario #15
What you used to say:
What you’ll say and do now:
Scenario #16
What you used to say:
What you’ll say and do now:
Look at you—you’re getting to be an expert already!
Back to Those Goals of Misbehavior
Remember the four goals of misbehavior from chapter 9? Your feelings, parent, are a good clue that will point you to your child’s mistaken goal. But if you come up with a positive response—instead of thinking, I’m going to punish this kid for what he just did—you short-circuit the goal of attention or power. Punishment doesn’t teach a kid anything. Discipline teaches him how to be a contributing member to your family and society.
In his article “The Four Mistaken Goals of Children’s Misbehaviour,” psychologist Larry Nisan did a great job of adapting concepts from Rudolf Dreikurs’s book Children: The Challenge, and so with thanks, I adapt these ideas from Larry.
Seeking Undue Attention
What your child’s behavior is saying: I only count in this world when I keep you busy with me.
Your gut emotional response: You are so annoying. What a pain in the neck!
What you do as a result: You ignore the behavior.
How your child reacts to your mistaken responses and measures: He ramps up the behavior.
What you should do instead: Give your child due attention (i.e., encouragement, not praise) when it is not being sought.
Seeking Undue Power
What your child’s behavior is saying: I only count in this world when I show you I am boss or when I make you do something. Or: I only count in this world when I show you that you can’t make me do anything.
Your gut emotional response:
What you do as a result: You intensify the power play on your end and up the ante.
How your child reacts to your mistaken responses and measures: He ramps up the power play.
What you should do instead:
Here’s how it works.
“You hate me,” your kid says.
Most parents would say, “Now, honey, why would you say that?” and they get all shocked, offended, and in a huff.
A good response would be, “If you want to believe that, you go right ahead. I know it’s not true.”
Why is this a good response? Because you’re acknowledging the power of your kid (“I know you’re a strong-willed person”), and you’re acknowledging his feelings (“I understand you’re upset. You’re angry. I get that. But this is the way it is”).
Feelings are feelings; you can’t deny or manipulate them. So give your child permission to feel the way he does, then speak the truth in love.
I guarantee your power-driven, attention-seeking kid will change if you’re willing to put time and effort into changing yourself. So ask yourself what you normally would do in a powerful situation with your son or daughter. Then ask yourself, What am I going to do and say differently? Change is all about making the choice to behave differently.
What you can do
Rewiring Your Own Behavior
Just as you’re trying to rewire your powerful kid’s behavior, you’re also rewiring yours. What happens between you and your child now will continue to spark if you don’t do something different.
Does your 4-year-old always get in fights with his 6-year-old sister? Is this the scenario: he cries, you run to his aid, and you admonish his sister?
That gives your attention-seeking, power-driven 4-year-old exactly what he wants. So what are you going to do differently to halt his behavior?
What you can do
The next time he runs to you, crying about something his sister said or did, you say, “Honey, you have a problem with your sister. You need to talk to your sister about it.” Then you turn and walk out of the room. The two will be forced to work out the issue if you aren’t there to play referee.
If you don’t act, your 4-year-old is going to become one of those adults who complains about another employee in the break room and then runs to his boss to tattle. A healthy adult learns to work out his own relational struggles. Unhealthy adults find it easier to complain. Then, when confronted, they backpedal quickly because at their core, they are insecure.
When you rewire your own behavior, you change the expected outcome. If you disengage from sibling warfare, you’re acknowledging that it’s their battle, not yours. Most kids will continue to whine if they’ve learned that when they whine, they get their six-foot-two dad to intercede for them with their four-foot-seven brother.
Remember that you’re the original power source. It’s not that you have all of life’s answers in your back pocket—your kids will see through that idea in a minute. But a soft answer goes a long way: “Honey, I may be wrong, but could it be that one of the ways you make sure you feel good about yourself is by putting your sister down? Isn’t there a better way of dealing with that? Aren’t there some things you could say about yourself right now that are very positive? Like the fact that you do well in school and you’re working hard to learn the rules of soccer? So why are you working so hard to compare yourself to your sister?”
“Dr. Leman, I’m pretty calm most of the time,” a mom told me recently. “But then my kid continues to push my buttons and I explode.” Welcome to the 99 percent of humanity club. There are certain statements and behaviors that trigger your temper. But does that mean you have to explode?
You be the parent here. Find a way of neutralizing your reactions. Think through how you’ll respond before those heated situations happen. If you have a well-thought-out plan for the common actions and reactions in your home, you’ll be looking for the opportunity to carry it out, not surprised when those events happen to heat up the temperature in your home. Is it that eye roll? Her “No way”? The crossed-arm body posture? Or the “But Mom . . .” that starts the litany of offenses you’ve carried out against her?
Come up with strategies now, before those actions and words kick off.
When your power-driven kid says something stupid—and don’t worry, he will—your response will have everything to do with what happens next. So instead of saying, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” swallow that knee-jerk reaction. Look him straight in the eye and say, “Tell me more about that.”
Teeter-Totter Philosophy
Remember when you sat on a teeter-totter as a kid? We already talked about you, the parent, being the middle balance point on that teeter-totter. But think about the principle of a teeter-totter for a minute. It’s a one-to-one relationship where one of you goes up when the other goes down. It’s the same with power in a relationship. If person A becomes powerful, then tries to push person B down and succeeds, person A’s power level increases. And the instinctual reaction of person B, who is being forced down, is to do what kids in my neighborhood loved to do: wait until a critical moment and then jump off the teeter-totter, sending the other kid crashing to earth.
But what if you put your feet on the ground on your end of that teeter-totter and tried to even out the motion instead?
Either way, you’re acting, but one action has negative results (the other person goes down hard on their bum and you get yelled at), and the other has positive, calming results (you both have a minute to enjoy the blue sky above you).
For example, let’s say your powerful kid stomps in the back door and slams her books on the kitchen table. She spouts, “I’ve absolutely had it with Jessica.”
You know she and Jessica have been friends for three years and have had their ups and downs. Most parents would jump right in and say, “Oh, honey, what’s wrong?” But you’d be smart to let your kid unwind a little. Letting her stomp off to her room for some alone time will do her—and you—good. Sooner or later you’ll find out what’s wrong anyway, after she’s had time to process.
If you pry and ask questions, even though it’s obvious she’s upset, be ready for “You’d never understand” and “Why are you so nosy?” So any response sets you up for a fight, because your daughter is raring for a fight with someone. If you’re in the kitchen, you’re an easy pick.
The reality is, your daughter is most likely hurting if she’s that angry. She might really need your help.
But not right now. Not until she’s cooled off will she even be able to talk rationally or to hear anything you might wish to say.
However, if you start grilling her like an attorney, firing questions at her, her mouth will zip shut and her power-driven behavior will rear its head.
If you keep your cool, you’ll be amazed what you find out. She’ll have a need to tell you because you’re not pushing.
It’s a law of physics: if there’s movement one way, there has to be movement another way.
If you power down, your child has no reason to power up.
Powerful Ideas That Work
My 11-year-old son likes to get in his 13-year-old stepsister’s face. She doesn’t back down either. Since my wife and I married two years ago, it’s been like World War III. The only time it’s quiet in our house is after two doors slam and both kids sulk in their rooms for at least an hour.
Then my wife heard you on the radio, talking about birth order and how to handle sibling rivalry. For the first time, we realized that we had two firstborns jockeying for the same top spot. No wonder they were fighting! When we took your advice and stepped away from the fight, things got a lot better.
The first time, we got a lot of the “But Mom, he . . .” and “But Dad, she . . .” statements, but we’d learned from you that they were just playing us against each other. So my wife and I went and sat out on the deck for a while. They followed us, as you said they would, and tried to continue the fight. My wife and I eyed each other, took the car keys, and went for a drive, complete with a leisurely stop for coffee. When we got back, Laura was helping Samuel with his homework, and they were eating popcorn. Your advice works.
Matt, Pennsylvania
Power Points