How to encourage positive goals and show your kids that they can use their drive for power for a good purpose.
They wrote him off as a dummy, a dawdler, a daydreamer. His teacher was always on his case.
“Albert, you need to pay attention. . . . Albert . . . Albert! If you don’t pay attention, I’m going to call your mother.”
Five minutes later: “Albert, bring your paper up to my desk right now. You seem to be doodling.”
Upon receipt of the paper: “Can you explain this big E on your paper? And what’s this little m and c doing there, and the two? That’s it! I’m calling your parents today. You’re absolutely not paying attention.”
But nothing was further from the truth for the brilliant Albert Einstein, who used his power and determination to carve through the naysayers and bring us one of our most important scientific discoveries.
Then there’s the lanky, geeky guy who lost 16 elections before he was ever elected president of the United States. But he powered on, because he wanted to use his power and determination to make a difference in his country and to serve those around him. If you look in your pocket and pull out a penny, you’ll have physical evidence that Abraham Lincoln did well in life.
And then there’s the kid who sat at the back of a room at the University of Buffalo, taking SAT exams and smoking half a pack of Salem cigarettes, thinking, It’s so cool these university guys let you smoke in the classroom. This same guy couldn’t even get into the university’s night school—crafted for those who couldn’t get into a regular university because of poor performance. That guy’s name was Kevin Leman.
And behind each of those developing kids were parents who made a difference. Parents who believed in that child’s unique talents and abilities and that their child’s power-driven behavior could be transformed into a positive determination that could influence the world for the good.
It’s How You Play Off Those Sparks
Nothing worthwhile in life is easy, and redirecting your powerful child won’t be either. As an attention-getting and power-driven kid myself at one time, I’d be the first to tell you that. But the plan is simple, and this book has given you the road map for it.
However, what happens next is up to you. It’s so easy to drift to what’s comfortable, to what you did before. But when you do so with a powerful child, you’ve taken a couple of steps backward.
It’s a little like the river that’s valiantly trying to forge its way in a new channel and meets a lot of resistance, including the hard stone walls that rise on either side of it.
But if you redirect your child’s power surges into positive urges, you will make daily progress. And by the time that child gets ready for college, finds a job, or launches off on a career track, you’ll be saying, “Wow, it worked . . . and it was worth it.”
How you play off the sparks your powerful child sends your way makes all the difference. When I came home at age 19 and announced that I was engaged to a young woman I hardly knew (not my beloved Sande), I didn’t have two nickels to rub together and was far from being responsible enough to be married. But my mother didn’t even lift an eyebrow. She just calmly asked for the green beans to be passed her way at dinner. Was she panicked inside? Probably. Did she show it? No. Or maybe it was just that I’d thrown her so many curveballs, I’d completely worn her down so nothing I said or did made her flinch.
Redirecting your power-driven child may seem like a daunting task. After all, that kid has led to many sleepless nights where you stared at the ceiling and asked, “Why, God? Why me? What went wrong here?”
But imagine what your kid with all that power and determination can do in the world someday if you hang in there and do the following:
That’s a kid who might become an Albert Einstein or an Abraham Lincoln.
What Attention-Getting Kids Need: Involvement
Everyone wants to belong to a group, and your child is longing to belong to your family—as much as it may seem to the contrary. Belonging is a two-way street. It means you not only encourage your child, telling her you love her, but you also have positive expectations for her. As a part of your family, she wears your name and, as such, represents your family. That means as part of a group, she must fulfill certain basics.
All children need affirmation and involvement to grow. But you’ve picked up this book because you have a powerful child who’s giving you a run for her money and you wonder what direction you both are going. Somewhere along the line, you’ve missed some opportunities to redirect her.
Now’s the time to change that.
What Power-Driven Kids Need: Independence
Everyone wants to feel significant. We all want to contribute in meaningful ways. Although children of all ages seem to focus on taking from their parents, they also have a longing to give in their relationships too. If you find ways for them to give to you, your family, and others, they’ll change their own beliefs about themselves.
That’s because everyone wants to count.
Redirecting That Power-Surge Child
If you own the fact that your children are different and can’t be treated equally, you’re already on your way to redirecting your power-surge child.
For example, you’ll give your firstborn privileges that the secondborn doesn’t get. And you’ll give the secondborn privileges and status that the thirdborn doesn’t get. Does this mean that your kids aren’t equal? No, but they play different roles in the family, just as you play a different role as the parent. Treating your children differently conveys to a child, “Mom and Dad don’t treat us the same because we’re different. I get it.” If parents bend over backward to treat all kids the same, none of the kids will feel special or appreciated. And they’ll grow up viewing reward as their right and themselves as socially equal to their parents.
They’ll also resent the living heck out of a parent treating an older sibling differently. “How come he got to stay up late and go to that movie, and I didn’t?”
Sound like a familiar conversation in your house? The kid who’s mouthing off obviously feels dissed.
If you try to quell those words with a heavy hand by saying things like, “Because I said so,” you’ll up the power ante.
In the Leman family, I always answered with a little humor first: “Oh, honey, didn’t you get the memo I sent last week? About how we love her so much more than we love you?”
The smart parent lays out the facts: “He’s 16 and you’re 14. I know you don’t think there’s a big difference in those two years, but there is. When you’re 16, chances are we’ll allow you to do things that he’s doing. Patience is a great virtue.” You smile. “I know you’re impatient, and you know what? Your father was impatient with a capital I, and patience wasn’t one of my strong suits either. But I’m getting better at it since I had you and your brother. You’re teaching me a lot. Just know that for now, you can handle it, life is going to go on, and there will be better days ahead.”
Whatever you do, don’t be the wavering parent who makes a decision but then acquiesces when the kids start whining or complaining. Powerful kids can spot waffling adults a mile away. If you want to frustrate a powerful kid, give him the hope that there’s a slim chance things might change. Then he’ll work overtime to make it happen.
Instead, make a decision and don’t back down.
If your child continues to argue with you (remember, fighting is an act that requires two people to cooperate), then he’s a very powerful child. That means you have to stick to your guns even more.
“I have to hand it to you, Son, you’re determined. You remind me of myself when I was your age. You put together a strong argument of why you should be able to do that.”
What are you doing? You’re throwing the kid a bone for trying, but then you redirect his powerful behavior.
“It was a great try. It might have worked in someone else’s home if they don’t hold the same values as we do. But in our home, that doesn’t get to second base. If I could hand out As in accordance with your strong-willed nature and how you attack the problem—the problem being your dad and me, of course—I’d have to admit I’d give you an A+. Sometime you’re going to realize that these strengths you show off, including your ability to build a great case, could pay off if you point them in the right direction.”
Just think, if you could turn his attention-getting into determination that helped him stand strong in his peer group, wouldn’t you want that? The kind of child who could say, “No thanks” and stick to it when offered a snort of cocaine? Who would stay as mentally tough with his peers as he’s being with you right now? Who doesn’t need his peer group to be cool but is aiming straight as an arrow down his own chosen path?
Every child is striving for attention and to figure out their role in the family. Siblings love getting a leg up on each other. So the more you can emphasize the uniqueness of each child, the better. Give your older child a bedtime of even 15 to 20 minutes later than your secondborn, knowing that having some perks is critical for a firstborn, who carries a lot of responsibility. Give your secondborn an extra hour a week to play a computer game with a friend, since you know that friends are extremely important to middleborns. Take your baby of the family to the Cheese-breath Rodent’s place and let him enjoy that “fine” pizza and a handful of tokens to go with it. He’ll be one happy dude.
Your goal as a parent is to turn your attention-seeking child into a child who naturally garners attention because he’s his own person. He doesn’t waver based on his peer group, and he uses his attention-seeking behavior to make others feel welcomed and appreciated. Perhaps that attention-seeking kid will be the one who someday becomes a journalist who uncovers—and seeks to right—a societal ill.
What you can do
Especially for Parents of Teens (but It Applies to the Younger Kids Too)
Why do teens behave the way they do? Because, as stated earlier, all behavior serves a purpose. TreeHouse (http://www.treehouseyouth.org) has done a fabulous job of identifying the goals of teen misbehavior, providing examples and steps you can take to encourage positive goals and beliefs in your teens. But it’s also a great model to use with children of all ages, because it will help you learn to ask yourself very important questions:
Other books that parents of teenagers may find particularly helpful are Running the Rapids and Have a New Teenager by Friday, by yours truly.
Your Dreams—Or Your Child’s?
Have you ever said to your child, “You can be anything you want to be and do anything you want to do in life”?
That sounds good, but it also conveys that we get to choose what we want to do in life. We all have limits—that’s a part of being human. Some of us are physically limited; others are mentally, emotionally, or socially limited. That’s why expectations need to be realistic.
And don’t deny that you have expectations for your kids. We all do. Many of us project unfulfilled dreams onto our kids because of negative things that have happened to us in life or things we felt we missed out on. In the movie A Cinderella Story, both main characters are trapped by expectations. Sam (played by Hilary Duff) is trapped into being a servant for her stepmom, because she wants to fulfill her dream of going to Princeton. Austin is trapped by his father’s expectations that he’ll get a football scholarship and then, after college, return to help his father run his business. The breaking point in the movie is when Austin leaves the football field.
His father says, “You’re throwing away your dream.”
“No, Dad,” Austin says, looking his father directly in the eye, “I’m throwing away yours.”
Are you trying to live your dream through your child? If so, realize that every person is different. Your child deserves her own life instead of trying to fulfill your wishes.
That’s why it’s so important for parents to realize that each child has her own individual bent—a propensity to do well in certain things and not as well (if anything at all) in other things.
I tell college students that the key to success in life is finding that one thing they do extremely well and then working to get better at it. But it has to be their dream, not yours.
Expectations that stay high and are unrealistic will, over a period of time, defeat your child. Then she’ll actively try to gain negative attention (attention-getting behavior), get in your face, or just ignore you (power-driven behavior). Or she’ll move to the stage of revenge (“I’ll get back at you for that”) and then on to the “whatever” stage (“It doesn’t matter what I say or think, you’ll do what you want, so who gives a rip about life anyway?”).
When a child is very young, he doesn’t really know what things he’s interested in. That’s the time to explore lots of different options—but only one at a time. However, note his natural talents first. For example, you probably wouldn’t want your boy who spends hours doodling with crayons to sign up for baseball. You might want to involve him in a community art class for children.
As your child grows older and enters school, allow her interests to develop in her mind. Instead of pushing your child to join an activity, say, “Wow, there are a lot of options of things to get involved in, now that you’re in school. Are there any you’re particularly interested in? If so, which ones?”
By this response, you’re conveying two things to your child:
If your child does choose an activity, then the responsibility, the goal-setting, and the expectations ought to come from the child herself—not from you. But you, smart parent, are going to set the limits on how many interests can be pursued at once.
What you can do
Her patterns of interest ought to dictate what activity she gets involved in. Don’t make her take ballet just because you did. Maybe she likes skateboarding better, and the idea of a pink tutu simply gets a raised eyebrow. If so, there’s your clue. A quiet statement such as “I saw that you seemed to really enjoy trying out those band instruments” can help your child in fine-tuning her interests.
“I saw your eyes light up at the idea of speech meets. Ever since you were young, you always loved giving speeches. You’d even write up speeches for your stuffed animals and then deliver them in different voices to represent the animals. Giving speeches seems very natural for you.”
It’s almost an art form to be able to encourage kids to continue to grow in an area where they obviously have talent. Statements such as “My, you’ve been swimming so great this year that I know you’ll be going to state next year. I’m so proud to be your mom!” put unjust pressure on your child. And since your child is a powerful kid, the first thing she’ll do is narrow her eyes and think, Oh yeah? I’m not going to be in swimming at all next year, then.
That kind of statement also says, “I hold you in high esteem because you’ve achieved something.”
But is that really what you want to convey to your child? That you will only love, appreciate, and accept her when she achieves?
Statements such as “Wow, it looks like you’re really enjoying swimming this year. I marvel at the talents God has given you” are warm and affirming, focus on the child’s joy in the event, and give credit where credit is due. And your child smiles, encouraged by your support of her.
So the next time your 8-year-old daughter goes exploring in the woods and brings back a deer skull, what will you say?
“Ew, that’s so gross. It’s probably crawling with vermin. Go take that outside right now!” Or “Well, would you look at that? Where did you find that? . . . I’d never have guessed there would be deer back there. I wonder how old the skull is. If you want to clean it up so we can take a better look, you could use the sink in the garage. Oh, and here’s a toothbrush and some antibacterial soap.”
All it takes is counting to 10 before you open your mouth and a consideration of what matters most in the long run—your relationship with your child.
The Star of the Show
Let’s say you have four children. Each of them has one activity per semester. That adds up to a lot of running around in your SUV. So you need to have realistic expectations not only of your kids but also of yourself as a parent. What price will you pay for your child to play weekend soccer? To be on a city team or a traveling team? To be in swim meets? To take riding lessons? To compete in dance?
If one of your kids plays soccer and the others don’t, you can’t leave your other kids—ages 3, 8, and 9—home alone, can you? How much of yourself and your family time are you willing to give to that one activity?
Now, there are exceptions—kids in the seventh and eighth grades, for example, who have major college potential in a sport or in music. Those kids go to basketball camps, may have special one-on-one tutoring, and may even go to a special prep school away from home in order to take advantage of great teaching and competition at that higher level. If that’s something your child wants and she is willing to work that hard, then all power to that powerful child. You should do all you can—without making the rest of the family sacrifice—to support her. However, it has to be her dream, not yours.
But the average kid won’t end up in the NBA, making millions, wearing $5,000 suits and $1,000 ties. And trying to make one kid in the family the star of the show only creates resentment and rivalries for the others in the family. If all the attention is focused on one, the others can’t help but think, Hey, I got the short end of the stick here. Then the natural attention-getting behavior turns into ramped-up attention-getting. If the cry for attention is ignored, that child will become a powerful child.
Powerful children are ones who not only gain attention but make you pay attention. They can become the stars of your family show. Don’t let their antics overshadow the other children in your home.
Instead, acknowledge the individual, unique bents of each child, and support each one in their talents.
Transforming Power Surges to Positive Urges
Moving a kid from power surges to positive urges isn’t easy, but it’s simple.
Your kid cops an attitude. You don’t fight back. You don’t argue.
But then, four hours later, when he demands to be taken somewhere, what do you say? “I don’t feel like taking you anywhere today.” You respond straightforwardly but in a low-key manner.
When you stay with the program, your child starts to see this as a day he doesn’t get what he wants. Sooner or later, a light has to go on in the kid’s head. He starts to think, This isn’t paying off, is it? Especially since you now know that his attention-getting and powerful behavior is designed to make you cave in and do what he wants.
It won’t be long before he chooses another path. That path may be to try to up the ante and become more powerful and stubborn. If so, even more reason for you to stick to the plan and not give in. Over time he’ll see that if he chooses a different path—cooperation with you—he’ll be better off.
Many of these powerful kids have never been told that they have skills—that they could accomplish something great in life if they tried. They’ve certainly got the power and determination to go far.
I got terrible grades in school, so I equated my skills with my grades. I didn’t think I had any. It wasn’t until that teacher told me I could use my skills for a positive purpose that I even thought, Skills? I’ve got skills? That’s because powerful children are insecure children. Their life theme is, I only count when I’m on top, when I’m in the spotlight.
Solidly in Your Kid’s Court
You of all people have to be solidly entrenched in your kid’s court. I can’t tell you how many children and teenagers I’ve talked with over the years who have said, “I could never talk to my mom/dad about this, because they wouldn’t understand.” It’s important to get inside your kid’s head—to help figure out the life theme that informs what he does. Your child needs a real-life coach, and the best one of all is you. You’re the one who knows your child’s individual bent, his talents and abilities. Even in a few minutes a day, you can encourage his positive goals and healthy beliefs about himself.
Only a very mature child would think to write down her goals in life. So why not keep a little notebook to benefit your child? Record the following:
Then give the notebook to your child as a surprise on her birthday or any other special occasion. Bet you anything she’ll want you to start another one for the next year. Because most of all, your powerful child needs to know that you think she’s special, that she’s an important part of your family, that you believe in her and her talents, and that you’re convinced she’s put on this earth for a purpose—to make a contribution to the world that only she can make.
A Good Heart
A mom I’ve known for years told me a heartwarming story about her daughter, Katy.
When I picked up my normally quiet daughter from school today, she was all smiles. I hadn’t even pulled away from the curb before she blurted out, “Mom, I just had the best day of all!”
“Really? Tell me more about that,” I said.
“My teacher, Miss Karen, pulled me aside. She told me I reminded her a lot of herself when she was my age. She said that what the popular girls did and said didn’t seem to matter to me. That I treated everybody equally, and other kids respected me because of it. She said I was always myself and I stayed steady. And that impressed her.”
As a mom, of course, I swelled with pride. What mom wouldn’t, just a little?
But the tears of joy came when my daughter continued. “That means a lot, Mom, because Miss Karen is like me.”
You see, Katy is Asian, and her teacher is African American. They are two of the few non-Caucasians in their school. Katy was picked on in younger grades because she was “different.” But she also had two loving parents who taught her how to stand up for herself, how to see the attention of others in a positive light, how to gain attention in a positive way, and at what stage to get teachers involved. By third grade, she’d gained the respect of all the classroom bullies, who no longer bullied her. One, in fact, said with awe, “You’re the toughest girl I know.” And Katy is indeed determined. She’s a powerful child who won’t back down . . . but she does it quietly and respectfully.
That’s why the teacher’s comment meant so much to Katy. She could have responded to the bullies by fighting back; instead she merely eyed them, turned her back, and walked away. As a result, she has emerged as a natural leader in her class, with the respect of all.
Katy’s teacher, Miss Karen, has a tradition of asking her students to come up with adjectives to describe each child on their birthday. The adjectives that came up most frequently for Katy were a good heart, trustworthy, a leader, and friends with everybody.
And Katy lives out those words with relentless determination.
The day after Miss Karen pulled Katy aside, the popular girls in her class were gossiping about another girl, who was new to the school. Katy walked up to the new girl and said, “Hi, I’m Katy. I’m sitting over there. Would you like to sit with me?”
It was a small gesture but a world-changing one for that new girl. All because of a girl with “a good heart.”
When each of the five Leman kids stood up for kids who got picked on, I felt the same way as that mom. So when you catch your child being kind to others, make sure you reaffirm that kindness: “I’m so blessed to have a daughter like you who cares enough to stick up for others. Your teacher told me what happened today. That shows me how strong of a person you are. I’m so proud of you.”
Your child might look a little embarrassed, but inside she’s thinking, Wow, I just did what came into my head. And Mom gets it. It’s so cool my teacher noticed and said something. You know, there’s another girl who seems kinda down. Maybe I could ask her to sit at my lunch table tomorrow. . . .
You see how smart your child is?
Keep your child’s spark igniting in a positive direction, and she’ll use her power to benefit others.
That’s about as close of a guarantee as you can get in life.
Powerful Ideas That Work
David’s my second child and the baby of the family. He’s always been a handful. I could never have any conversation without him interrupting.
When he turned 8, things got really bad. Once, when I was talking with my dad, David stepped between us and said, “Grandpa, I’m going to burn your barn down.” My dad was shocked, and my jaw dropped. Our conversation stopped. Neither of us knew what to say, but the kid had our attention.
A month later, my mom invited me to one of your seminars. That’s when I realized I’d allowed David to go from attention-seeking to powerful. He’s the classic secondborn you talk about. His older brother outshines him in just about everything, so he decided he had to go the exact opposite way.
A couple days after I got home, I talked with David and said, “I could be wrong, but I think these are the reasons you’re doing what you’re doing,” and I laid out what I’d learned. When David admitted he never felt good enough, I had my answer. My husband and I are now brainstorming how we can encourage David in a positive direction instead of encouraging all his negative attention-getting. We know it won’t be easy, but for the first time since he was a toddler, we have a workable plan.
Teresa, Arizona
Power Points