“Stare that Centaur down, Cyclops!” I chanted as I boogied over to pick up my Helmet of Darkness. I put it on, and—POOF! I vanished.

I, Hades, Ruler of the Underworld, was dancing around my palace. Not that dignified, maybe, but that night, I was too excited about the big wrestling match at Palace Stadium to sit still. The winner would earn the Wrestling Immortals Championship Girdle—(old speak for “belt”). “Eagle-Eye” Cyclops, the One-Eyed Giant, was up against “Half ’n’ Half” Centaur, who was part man, part horse. As always, I had my money on the big one-eyed guy.

I kept on chanting—“You can make him blink, Cyclops!”—as I tossed my helmet into my K.H.R.O.T.U. wallet. It’s a magical wallet, and it expands to hold whatever I put inside. Then it shrinks back down to fit in my pocket. Nice, huh?

Next, I bopped down to the kitchen. I tossed some Ambro-Salt and a couple of cans of Necta-Cola into the wallet, too. Ambrosia and nectar—the food and drink of the gods. That’s what keeps us young and good-looking—forever! Now, whatever mortal food I might have to eat, I could sprinkle on a little Ambro-Salt, chug a Necta-Cola, and turn it into a meal fit for a god.

“Go, Cyclops, go!” I chanted, doing a little spin.

I’d made the rounds of my Underworld kingdom earlier that evening. Everything was shipshape. My queen, Persephone, goddess of spring, was working up on earth, making the flowers bloom. So I had nothing better to do than head up to Palace Stadium in Thebes to catch the big match. I grabbed a slice of leftover pizza from the fridge and headed out into the night. Cerberus, my three-headed guard dog, trotted at my heels.

“Woof! Woof! Woof?” he barked as I made a beeline for the royal stables.

“No, you have to stay here tonight, Cerbie,” I told him.

“Awoooo!” his third head howled in protest.

That head had started acting up lately. I made a mental note to give it a little extra training when I got back.

“You have to guard my kingdom, Cerbie,” I said. “That’s your job!”

My dog turned his back on me and sat down in protest. I knew he’d get over it, so I continued on my way to the stables. I hitched my steeds, Harley and Davidson, to my sportiest little chariot and drove up to earth.

Back in the old days, the trip took me nine days. But now, thanks to the shortcut that Cerberus had shown me, I could get up to earth in only a few hours. That night, I made great time. Before long, I drove out of a cave, and I was on earth.

I parked in the usual lot near Athens. Then I began chanting the astro-traveling spell. This is a little plus of being a god. When we’re on earth, all we have to do is recite a certain godly spell containing the ZIP code of where we want to go, and—ZIP!—we’re there. And so I chanted a spell for Palace Stadium.

ZIP!

I looked around. I had expected to see wrestlers and trainers and hordes of loyal fans waving pennants and yelling, “Kill him, Cyclops!”

Instead, I found myself in a deserted room. It had marble floors and tiny little windows way up high on the walls. I started walking. A few flickering lanterns lit the hallways. It took me a moment to realize what had happened. By some astro-traveling mix-up, instead of going to Palace Stadium, I’d landed in the basement of the royal palace of Thebes.

I chanted the spell again.

ZIP!

I stayed right where I was.

I figured the astro-traveling network was down. I decided to make my way out of the royal palace and try again. I hurried up a staircase to my left and reached a landing. I heard voices. Quickly, I took my helmet from my wallet. I put it on. POOF! No one could see me now.

I tiptoed to the room where I’d heard the voices. I stuck my invisible head in at the door. A nursemaid was holding a bundle wrapped in a blanket. She was showing the bundle to a young mortal woman sitting up in a bed. That young woman—I’d met her somewhere, I was sure of it. But where? I couldn’t think.

“Rejoice, Princess Alcmene,” said the nursemaid, holding up what turned out to be a great big baby. “It’s a boy!”

Alcmene? I knew that name. But who was she?

I was about to tiptoe away when the princess spoke.

“A boy?” she said. “Oh, dear.”

I stopped. In those days, everyone wanted boy babies. It made no sense, even way back then, but that’s how it was. So I waited to find out why this princess was unhappy to have a boy.

“Be glad!” said the nurse. “He is big and strong. He looks like a child of a god.”

“He is the child of a god,” said Princess Alcmene. “His father is Zeus, remember?”

Zeus? Ye gods! Was there nowhere I could go without hearing his blasted name?

It all came flooding back to me then. Of course I’d met Alcmene—at her wedding to my little brother. She and Zeus had been married for only a short time. But it was evidently long enough for Zeus to have fathered a son. And if this was Zeus’s son, that made the great big baby my nephew. I was his uncle!

Of course Zeus’s main hobby was founding a Zeus Dynasty. He had hundreds of children. Which meant that I had hundreds of nieces and nephews. But I’d never seen any of them when they were this brand new. Uncle Hades. I liked the sound of it.

“Suns and moons!” exclaimed the nursemaid. “Zeus is married to Hera now. She hates Zeus’s children by his former wives. Especially his sons.”

That was the truth. Hera was Queen of the Universe now. She had it all. But she was still jealous of Zeus’s exes and their offspring.

“I know,” the princess said sadly. “We cannot risk Hera’s jealous rage. She might destroy all of Thebes. Quick, take the baby to that peasant woman who sews for me. She has twelve children of her own. Surely she won’t mind one more. Ask her to care for him until we figure out what to do.”

The nursemaid nodded. She wrapped another blanket around the big baby. Then she held him out to his mother for a kiss. I flattened myself against the wall as the nurse rushed past me out of the room.

“You’re a heavy bundle, you are,” she said to the big baby as she went by.

I hurried after her. When I’m invisible, I always try to find someone to follow. That way I don’t have to worry about anyone seeing doors that seem to open on their own.

I followed that nursemaid, down the hallway and out of the palace. Once outside, I began chanting the astro-traveling spell to take me to the wrestling match. But halfway through, I stopped. I wanted to make sure that great big baby got where he was going. The kid was my nephew, after all. And besides, Cyclops was a star. There would be some warm-up matches before it was his turn to step into the ring. I had time to wait and see that the big baby ended up in the right hands.

I tailed the nursemaid through the winding streets of Thebes and out the city gates. A full moon shone that night, lighting our way. Far down the road, I saw the lights of Palace Stadium. The sight made me weak in the knees. I had to get there in time to see Cyclops put Centaur in a quadruple-leg hold.

I decided I could trust the nursemaid to deliver the big baby safely to the peasant, after all. I’d just started chanting again when the baby began to fuss.

“Stars and comets!” said the nursemaid. “Don’t tell me you’re hungry.”

The big baby kept fussing.

“Great constellations!” the nursemaid exclaimed. “I must find you some milk.” She peered into the field beside the road. In the far corner, some cows lay sleeping.

“I’ll move faster without you,” said the nursemaid as she put the big fussy baby down in the tall grass by the side of the road. “I’ll be back with some milk.” And off she ran toward the cows.

I wanted to call after her. I mean, you don’t just leave a new baby lying on the side of the road! But she was already out of sight.

Now the big baby stopped fussing and started crying for real.

His screeching was awful. I put my hands over my sensitive godly ears.

A cloud passed over the moon. I looked down the road. The torches of Palace Stadium glowed in the distance.

I looked down at the big baby. His mouth was wide open. He was really wailing now. I’d never spent so much time with a just-born baby. I didn’t know what to do. But I knew I couldn’t go off and leave him there bawling.

I sat down beside the big baby.

“Be quiet,” I told him, in the nicest possible way.

He kept crying.

I was invisible. So the baby didn’t know his Uncle Hades was there. He went on screaming.

I stuck out a finger and tickled him under the chin. He stopped crying. I tickled him some more. He started making happy, burbling sounds.

The nursemaid would be back soon, I told myself as I tickled. The second she returned, I’d start chanting. I’d definitely get to the stadium in time to see Eagle-Eye body-slam ol’ Half ’n’ Half.

I kept tickling that big baby. He looked like Zeus all right. Puffy cheeks. Rolls of fat on his neck. Not that there was much neck. Not much hair, either. But on a baby, it all looked sort of cute.

I walked my fingers down the big baby’s chest and started tickling his tummy. Me, Hades, dreaded Ruler of the Underworld, going “Kitchy-kitchy-coo!” I couldn’t believe it.

The big baby’s cooing and burbling made me forget to keep my guard up. I never saw anyone coming down the road. The first thing I heard was a voice saying, “Look! A baby!”

I glanced up.

Ye gods!

It was Hera!