It took dozens of palace guards, plus all the king’s servants, to tip the big bronze pot over on its side. Two guards went into the pot, dragged out Eury, and carried him into the palace.

Hydra reached up a hand to cover her biggest mouth as she laughed. She didn’t want to poison any bystanders.

“Look,” said Cee, pointing to the pot. “There’s a piece of parchment. King Eury must have dropped it when he fainted. I’ll bet it tells what the next labor is.”

Hercules ran over to get it. He handed it to Cee. “You read it.”

“Labor III,” Cee read. “Bring me the wild deer with antlers of gold and hooves of brass who has been trampling farmers’ fields near Mount Ceryneia.”

I’d heard about this deer. It was a hind—a female deer—but it had antlers, like a stag. It belonged to Artemis, goddess of the chase and the hunt.

Hydra insisted on going with Hercules and Cee to find the hind, and the three set off. I bid them goodbye, then astro-traveled to Artemis’s earthly hunting lodge.

ZIP!

I found myself in a clearing in the woods. Hounds began barking and snarling. I’d managed to land beside a picnic table where Artemis was having a dinner for one.

Artemis leapt to her feet. Before I had a chance to open my mouth, she’d strung her bow and had an arrow pointed at my chest.

“Take it easy, Artemis!” I said. “It’s me, Hades.” Artemis had won the gold medal for archery in the first Olympics. I didn’t want her taking a shot at me.

Artemis lowered her weapon. Her hounds stopped snarling. “Why are you here?” Artemis asked. Then she looked hopeful. “You want to go hunting?”

“No, thanks,” I said. “Don’t let me interrupt your dinner. Sit! We can talk while you eat.”

I sat down across from Artemis as she sank her teeth into a big meaty thighbone of some sort. And I told her why I’d come.

“Hercules would like to borrow your hind,” I said. “Show it to King Eurystheus. Then he’ll bring it right back to you.”

Artemis rolled her eyes. “One doesn’t go around borrowing deer as if they were library books or cups of sugar.” She put two fingers into her mouth and gave an earsplitting whistle. Distant hoof beats sounded. In less than a minute, a majestic white deer appeared at the edge of the clearing. She walked straight to Artemis, her brass hooves gleaming. She bent her head, taking great care to keep her huge rack of golden antlers from doing any harm. Artemis gave her head a rub, then put an arm around her neck.

“Hello, Precious,” she said. “Would you like to be borrowed?”

Precious shook her head, stomped a brass hoof, and gave a whuffle.

Sounded like “no” to me.

“Sorry, Hades,” Artemis said. “Can’t do it.”

“I don’t blame you,” I told her. “Anyway, this is all Hera’s doing.”

“Hera?” Artemis’s eyes darted around. “She didn’t come with you, did she?”

“No, no,” I said. “But she’s the one who put King Eury up to this whole ‘XII Labors of Hercules’ thing. Don’t worry about it, Artemis. It’s not your problem.” I stood to go.

“Wait, Hades.” Artemis looked thoughtful. “I was hunting a wild boar the other day, and the beast ran by one of Hera’s temples. I’m goddess of the chase, so naturally I chased after it. Hera happened to see me and stormed out of her temple, all bent out of shape. Now she’s posted big NO HUNTING signs all over the place.” She shook her head. “So, I think I’ll help your friend after all, Hades. He can borrow Precious—if he can catch her.”

She handed me the hind’s golden collar.

“Once you slip this over her head, she will do what you say.”

“Fair enough,” I told her. “I’ll tell Hercules.”

Artemis gave Precious a pat on the flank, and the deer practically flew back into the woods. Hercules was a fast runner. But this hind was amazing. Catching her wasn’t going to be easy.

I astro-traveled right back to Hercules. ZIP! He and his two companions were on their way to Mount Ceryneia. When they saw me, Hydra hopped off Hercules’s head. Cee unwrapped himself from around his shoulders. The three sat down by the side of the road to rest. I sat down with them.

“I’ve got some good news,” I told them. “And some bad news. First, the golden-antlered deer you’re looking for belongs to Artemis. She calls her Precious and says you can borrow her to show to King Eury.”

“All right!” said Hercules. “And what’s the good news?”

“That was the good news,” I said. “The bad news is that you have to catch her first. And Precious can run like the wind.”

“No problem!” Hercules jumped up. “Let’s go.”

I led the little party to the woods near Artemis’s hunting lodge.

“Artemis whistled for Precious,” I offered.

Hercules put his thumb and forefinger in his mouth and blew: TWEEEEE!

Now, Zeus’s version of this labor in The Big Fat Book of Greek Myths says that Hercules chased after the golden-antlered hind for one whole year before catching her. Why T-BAMZ told this particular lie is anybody’s guess. But here’s what really happened.

No sooner had Hercules whistled than I caught a flash of golden antlers through the trees. Precious came to the edge of the clearing. She eyed Hercules warily.

“Maaaaa moooo,” said Hercules. “Moooo oooom mooooo.”

The deer’s eyes flickered with understanding. Did Precious speak Cow? Or was Hercules speaking some sort of universal language understood by all big, hooved cud-chewers?

I never knew for sure, but whatever the case, Precious walked straight to Hercules. Our hero gave her a pat and slid the golden collar around her neck.

Precious was enormous, big enough to carry Hercules, Cee, and Hydra on her back all the way down one mountain and up another to King Eury’s palace.

I met them there—ZIP!—just as the magnificent beast strode through the gates of Mycenae. As before, a crowd had gathered. The mortals had never seen such a wondrous animal as Precious, let alone one carrying a muscleman, a lion, and a strange, multi-headed monster. The crowd followed Precious, her brass hooves clacking on the road, all the way to the palace. They cheered and shouted, “Hooray for Hercules!”

“Eury!” called Hercules standing in front of the great pot. “Come out, and see the deer!”

The little slotted panel in the big bronze pot slid open. Eury’s eye appeared.

“I see the antlers,” King Eury’s voice echoed from the pot. “Make the deer back up. I want to see its brass hooves.”

“Show the king your brass hooves, Precious,” said Hercules. “Mooooo maaa moo. Go on, show him!”

Precious whuffled in response. Then she showed him with a swift kick to the side of the pot. BAM!

“Ow!” cried Eury.

Precious kicked again. BAM!

And again. BAM!

It reminded me of the time little Hercules and little Eury had played catch.

“OW!” cried Eury again. He was so frightened he managed to leap out of the pot, all on his own, and run into the palace.

Minutes later a piece of parchment floated down from a palace window.

Cee picked it up and looked at it. “Uh-oh,” he said.