Yep, it’s me again, K.H.R.O.T.U.—King Hades, Ruler of the Underworld. I’m back to let you in on the T.R.U.T.H.—the Totally Real Unadulterated Trustworthy History—of another Greek myth.

Until I came along, I’ll bet everything you knew about the myths was one big F.I.B.—Factually Inaccurate Bull-hooey. For that, you can thank my little brother, The Brave And Mighty Zeus—T-BAMZ for short. Zeus is the slimiest myth-o-maniac (old Greek speak for “liar liar pants on fire”) in the world. No, make that the universe. Zeus lies in the A.M. He lies in the P.M. He’d lie to the F.B.I. and the C.I.A. if he had half a chance. And for sure he lied when he put together his version of T.B.F.B.O.G.M., The Big Fat Book of Greek Myths. You’ve heard of the hero, Hercules, right? Check out the Zeus-approved version of the myth about him. Go on, read it straight from the pages of the B.F.B.O.G.M.:

 

 

Zeus makes it sound as if Hercules did the twelve labors all by himself. Not a chance. Hercules was strong all right. He had great big muscles. But he had an itty-bitty brain. The T.R.U.T.H. is, if it hadn’t been for a certain street-smart lion, a loyal nine-headed monster, and a quick-thinking Ruler of the Underworld, Hercules wouldn’t have made it past Labor I. Here’s another bit of T.R.U.T.H. for you: big muscles can only do so much. Without brains, muscles are just . . . well, bulgy things in your arms and legs.

In addition to big muscles, Hercules also had a big temper. It got him into some mighty big trouble. Who do you think helped Hercules out of all the jams he got himself into? Take a wild guess. It wasn’t T-BAMZ. No, Zeus was too busy hurling T-bolts and making proclamations. He never took the time to give the kid a hand. The T.R.U.T.H. is, it was always U.H.T.T.R.—Uncle Hades To The Rescue.

Sit down. Put your feet up. Let me tell you the real story of Hercules. I remember everything about the night that great big baby was born. . . .