I woke the next morning feeling more optimistic about Spencer, his daughters, and our plan to reunite them. The sun was streaming through the open window, and I stretched out on the bed before allowing my body to sink back into the mattress. Missy certainly knew how to pick mattresses, that was for sure.
After my stretch, I kept my hand extended as I felt around the bed. When I came up empty-handed, I pushed myself up and glanced around the room. Sure enough, I was alone.
“Spencer?” I called out, tipping my ear toward the bathroom to see if that’s where he’d snuck off to. But I didn’t hear water running.
I didn’t want to get out of bed. But, wondering where Spencer was, I pulled off the covers and slipped my feet to the floor. I padded across the room and stopped at the bathroom, knocking a few times.
Nothing.
Huh. I was alone.
I glanced around the room, hoping to see a note of some kind, but I didn’t find anything. Worried that he’d gotten cold feet and left for Magnolia, I changed out of my pajamas into a white blouse and jeans. I threw my hair up into a ponytail and left the room with a bare face.
I headed down the stairs, panic settling in my gut, until I heard Spencer’s familiar voice. All of a sudden, my adrenaline came crashing down, and my body went numb. I was angry and relieved at the same time.
I must have looked crazed, because as soon as I entered the dining room, Spencer’s eyebrows rose. He was sitting at the table with a steaming plate of eggs and bacon. Missy was standing next to the buffet. She was currently stocking the huge platter of muffins in front of her.
“You okay, darling? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I patted my cheeks before combing my fingers through my hair. I forced a smile and nodded. “I slept wonderfully. Except when I woke up, alone.” I glared at Spencer, who had returned his attention to his plate of food and slipped a heaping pile of eggs into his mouth.
“Men. They’ll always go where their stomachs lead them.”
I snorted. “Apparently.”
Spencer swallowed. “Hey, I was being nice. You were sleeping so soundly that I didn’t want to wake you up. I was being a gentleman.”
I shook my head as I grabbed a plate. If only Missy weren’t here, I’d have a lot more to say to him. Spencer had a tendency to shut me out when things got hard. The last thing I needed was another man leaving me without talking to me. I hadn’t had a lot of relationships since Maggie’s father, but I knew I didn’t like the feeling of being left behind.
I decided it was best to leave those thoughts and focus on breakfast. After filling a plate with fresh fruit, eggs, and a freshly baked biscuit, I grabbed a fork and a mug of coffee and moved to sit down next to Spencer.
Missy stepped back to survey the buffet and then tsked like she’d forgotten something. Once she disappeared into the kitchen, I turned to focus on Spencer. “I thought you’d left for Magnolia.”
Spencer’s mouth was full of muffin. His gaze met mine, and I studied him. He quickly chewed and swallowed before reaching for his glass of milk.
“Why would you think that?”
I stared at him. Was he serious? Anything to do with Rosalie or his daughters had him shutting me out. I wasn’t going to lie, it hurt. “Just from the way you were acting last night.” I wanted to add, “And the reality of what today would bring,” but I decided to keep that to myself.
Spencer shook his head. “I made a promise to Rosalie that I was going to fix this. So that’s what I’m going to do.”
“You did?”
“What?”
My throat felt as if it were closing. “You made a promise to Rosalie?”
He studied me before nodding. “Yes.”
“When?” How much was Spencer not telling me?
“The weekend I went away to fish, I stopped by her grave.” He picked up his bacon and took a bite. “Why?”
I pushed the eggs around my plate, desperate for something to distract me. I knew I shouldn’t feel hurt. After all, it was his late wife and his family, but I couldn’t help but wonder why he’d kept it from me. It felt as if he were trying to live two different lives. As if he didn’t want me to partake in his past like I’d allowed him to partake in mine.
Sure, he’d invited me to Harmony Island with him. And I originally thought that it meant things were becoming deeper between us. But I was starting to worry that was only a pipe dream. If felt like I was here for him to lean on but not participate.
That thought felt selfish. After all, he was the one who was struggling. But I couldn’t help but wonder who I was to Spencer. And who I would never become.
My emotions lodged themselves in my throat. I tried to clear them, but nothing worked. So, I decided to focus on my food.
“No reason, just wondering,” I said quickly between bites.
I could see Spencer study me from the corner of my eye. But I didn’t allow that to distract me from eating. I needed something other than my emotions to focus on, and eating breakfast seemed like the perfect distraction.
Missy returned to the dining room with a plate of freshly cooked sausage. I wondered who she was making all of this food for since it seemed to be just Spencer and I staying here. But I really wasn’t in the mood for small talk, so I kept my thoughts to myself.
It didn’t take long for my question to be answered. A few minutes after she’d laid out the sausage, the front door of the bed and breakfast opened and two men in lime-green construction shirts appeared. They were laughing and talking as they walked in.
“Hey, Ma,” the tall one with blond hair said as he approached Missy and gave her a kiss on her cheek.
“Mrs. Hodges,” the other one said as he removed his ball cap and gave her a wide smile.
“Oh, William, I told you to call me Missy.”
William shook his head. “No, ma’am. My mom would have a fit if she knew that.” He replaced his cap. “I value my life.”
Missy waved him away and turned to her son. “I hope you’re hungry,” she said with a smile.
He nodded. “Starved.” And then as if he suddenly realized Spencer and I were sitting at the table, he leaned forward. “I’m sorry. We didn’t know there were going to be guests here.”
Missy clapped her hands. “That’s my fault. Where are my manners?” She turned to smile at us and then waved toward her son. “This is Jack, my son. Jack, this is Penny and Spencer. They are visiting the island.”
Jack nodded. “Nice to meet you.”
“Jack and William come by every morning on their way to work for some food.” Missy swatted Jack’s arm. “If I didn’t feed them, they’d be skin and bones.” She was trying to pretend as if she were annoyed, but I could tell she loved it. I didn’t blame her. I loved it when Maggie needed me. Even though she was grown.
Taking care of people seemed to be Missy’s specialty, and her son and his friend were no exception. She ushered them to their seats and then busied herself with filling up their plates. When she set them down in front of Jack and William, their eyes widened.
“Geez, Ma! We’re going to have a hard time fitting into our pants if you keep feeding us this way.” Jack patted his stomach, which only made me snicker.
There was no way there was anything but a six-pack under his shirt. I looked over at Spencer, and he seemed to be thinking the same thing—to be young again.
“So, are you visiting family?” William asked after about half his plate was cleaned.
I glanced over at him and then back to Spencer. “We’re…” I wasn’t sure how to say this. I didn’t want to overstep, but I also didn’t want William to think that we were ignoring him. Or for Missy to think that there was more to our story and start pestering us.
She seemed like a nosy but sweet neighbor to those who stayed at the Apple Blossom B&B.
“We’re…” Spencer seemed as stumped as I was on how to answer that question. Just when I thought both boys would think that Spencer and I were having a brain malfunction, Spencer quickly continued, “We’re just visiting. Harmony Island seemed like a perfect place to come and recharge.”
“Oh, it is,” Missy said as she sat down at the head of the table. Her plate was full of fruit, and she speared a piece of watermelon. “You guys came at the perfect time. The Thanksgiving festival is this weekend, and you are going to die when you see this town decked out in all its decorations.” She shivered from excitement. “It’s like a movie.”
“You may be overselling it a bit, Ma,” Jack said as he raised his hand in our direction.
“Jackson Mortenson Hodges, I am not.” She turned her focus on us. “Don’t let my stick-in-the-mud son make you think anything less. It’s a paradise for the holiday enthusiast.” Then her voice softened. “Do you guys appreciate the finer art of holiday decorations?”
Her words made me think of the harvest festival Magnolia held. It was perfect in every sense of the word, so I understood her frustration when her son wanted to paint it as something less.
“Our hometown has something similar.” I nodded to Missy. “And it is spectacular.”
Missy looked content as she nodded her head in Jack’s direction. Even though they weren’t in an argument, I could tell that she felt supported.
“What?” Jack asked with a smile on his lips. “I didn’t say it was bad. I just said you might be overselling it a bit.”
Missy waggled her finger in his direction. “I’m selling it perfectly.”
Jack shrugged and began stabbing his eggs.
“So, when does this festival take place?” I asked. I wasn’t sure how things were going to go with Spencer, so having something to do while he figured it out was just what I needed.
“It starts tomorrow and goes through the week. We have festivities every night, with the barn dance on Saturday rounding out the festival.” She grew quiet as she eyed me. “Why? Are you looking to volunteer?”
Jack’s gaze flicked to me, and I could tell that he was trying to tell me to walk away, but I just smiled. I’d dealt with the pickiest publishers in the publishing world. I could handle his mother.
“If you need some help.”
Missy clapped her hands as she moved to stand. “Wonderful! I lost some of my regulars this year and was worried I was going to have to carry this load myself.” She hurried over to the kitchen only to return with a clipboard, which she handed over.
When I saw the list, I wondered what I’d gotten myself into, but Missy didn’t look like she was going to accept my resignation. I was helping her if I wanted to or not.
“Tonight is our final meeting, so make sure you come.” She paused as she glanced around. “Will that be a problem?”
I glanced over at Spencer who shook his head. My stomach sank from his reaction. He didn’t want me around—which I was trying to accept—but it was hard. I wanted him to need me, but I doubted he did.
“It should be fine,” I said as I tucked the clipboard under my arm. Spencer had finished his breakfast, and there was no way I was going to let him scoot upstairs and leave me down here with Missy.
He was going to talk to me whether he wanted to or not.
I thanked Missy for the food and said goodbye to Jack and William. They waved to me as I hurried through up the stairs, where I found Spencer unlocking the door to our room.
Once inside, I shut the door behind me and turned to face him. He was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at his reflection as if he were deep in thought.
“Is everything okay?” I asked. I kept close to the wall perpendicular to the door. For some reason, I feared that if I got too close, I would spook him, and he’d run further away from me than he already was.
He glanced over at me. “Why?”
I swallowed. I could feel him pulling away, and I hated it. I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d done something wrong. “You’re quiet.”
He sighed as he turned on the faucet and held his hands underneath it. He let them fill up before splashing the water over his face. “I’m just struggling, Penny.” He splashed his face a few more times before reaching for a towel.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to shake him. I hated how he was leaving me completely in the dark. Why wouldn’t he just open up to me? He visited Rosalie’s grave without telling me. He left the room this morning without telling me.
What else wasn’t he telling me?
Here I was, thinking that we’d grown closer, when in fact it had been the exact opposite. He was determined to keep me at arm’s length.
How long was it going to be like this? It wasn’t like I was a spring chicken or anything. If I had to spend the majority of my life trying to decipher his meanings, then I was in trouble. I wanted a fulfilled life, and I wanted it with Spencer.
But that didn’t seem possible at this moment.
“Anything I can do to help?” I asked, not really sure if he was going to answer, and not really sure what I was going to do if he did.
He sighed as he hung the towel back up. Then he turned to face me. “I’m worried.”
“About your daughters?” I asked. My heart began to pound as my mind raced. Somewhere in my deepest, darkest thoughts, I wondered if he was worried about me.
About us.
Was reuniting with his daughters going to be a good or a bad thing for our relationship? Was he going to remember all that he’d had with Rosalie and leave me in the dust?
Was I a fool to keep pushing for him to reconnect with his daughters?
As much as I wanted to be selfish and keep Spencer all to myself, I knew that he was never going to feel complete until he reconciled with his family. I wanted that reconciliation to include me, but if it didn’t, at least I would know that he was happy.
That was all I wanted for him.
Spencer took in a deep breath and planted his fists on the bathroom counter. He tipped his head down and remained silent for a few moments before glancing over at me. “I’m worried that I can’t be the man you want me to be.”
My expression fell. He must have seen it because he pushed off the counter and stood, folding his arms.
“It’s not that I don’t care about you.” His voice took on a softer tone. I could hear his affection toward me, but I couldn’t ignore what he was saying.
His words felt like knives to my gut.
“But…” I whispered, wishing that he would just get on with what he was saying. If he wanted me to leave, I’d rather he tell me now than later on when I was more invested in this town, his family…and him.
“But I’m not sure I can be what you want me to be. At least not right now.” His expression was pained, and I knew that this was hard for him to say. I’d known that this whole relationship was going to be hard. As soon as I saw Rosalie’s picture on the bathroom counter, I knew it was going to be a wound that Spencer would struggle with healing.
It hurt, hearing him say those words. I wanted him to take them back. I didn’t want him to continue down this path. But he’d already started, and there was no way I could ask him to retreat. All I could do—the right thing to do—was to stand aside and let him do what he needed to.
“I understand,” I said softly as I folded my arms. “I’m here if you need me, but don’t feel like you have to include me in everything. It’s not like we’re—” My brain stopped my words. I was just about to say married. It was something we’d discussed in passing, but nothing to the extent of what our intentions were for this relationship in the long run.
It was strange, having a relationship at an older age. When I was younger, there was a push to get married to start a family. We were both too old for that now; if we wanted a relationship, it was solely for ourselves.
I knew I wanted Spencer for the long haul, however that would come about. But I wasn’t sure he wanted the same.
Spencer glanced over at me as my unspoken words lingered in the air. I offered him a smile, hoping to convey that I didn’t expect anything from him and that it had just been a slip of the tongue. It felt like an eternity before he nodded. He pushed his hand through his hair and then nodded toward the shower.
“I’m going to get cleaned up and then head out. I want to clear my head before I attempt to meet up with Abigail and Sabrina.” He sighed. “Do you think you’ll be okay without me?”
I released the breath I’d been holding through my lips, making a pfft sound. Heat pricked my cheeks when I realized that I must have looked like a dork. I settled on a simple nod. “I’ll be perfect. Plus, Missy seems to have a lot for me to do. If I ask, I have no doubt that she’ll put me to work right away.”
Spencer paused as he met my gaze once more. “Okay.”
I didn’t get a chance to reply. He shut the bathroom door, and a few seconds later, I heard the water turn on.
Now alone, I collapsed on the bed, falling back onto the soft sheets. I closed my eyes for a moment, tears forming on my eyelids. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to despair.
I didn’t want to allow the thought that things might be over between us.
Even though I knew it might just be avoiding the inevitable, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to leave until Spencer said those words.
Until then, I would hope.
After all, that was all I had left.