Chapter Thirty-Four

When Jess insisted on taking the boat on her own and no one else in the carriage protested, Derek’s resolve to go with her faltered. Was it the best thing for her? Was insisting on accompanying her for his benefit or hers? At some point he was going to have to believe her when she said she wanted to leave him behind. Since his part really was done now, those farewells might as well be on English soil.

Maybe one day he would get to see France and Verbonne and the rest of the continent that had been unavailable to him because of the war, but that day wouldn’t be soon. When he finally managed it, he wouldn’t look for her. She’d likely be married by then anyway.

The idea made the prospect of visiting the country a little less appealing. There were plenty of people who never left England, and he could go wherever he wanted in a painting.

No, it was best to say good-bye to her here in . . . whatever town they were in. He’d bounced around the country so much in the past month that he’d lost all sense of bearing.

His one regret was that here at the end they were surrounded by people. He missed the conversations they’d had when it was just the two of them in the carriage, sharing strange facts they knew and asking questions. He knew information from books, but Jess knew life. She’d explained things and saw things differently than anyone he’d ever met.

He was going to miss her.

That was an okay thing to admit. It was natural to miss people who changed your life in some way. Missing her didn’t have to mean he wished she’d stayed. He could miss her and still be happy for where life took her.

He could.

Jeffreys drove the carriage straight out onto the dock just as the sun was peeking over the horizon.

“They’re still here,” Ryland said as he threw open the door. “I’ve been having multiple port schedules sent to me for weeks. I was hoping you’d make this one.” Then he jumped out while the carriage was still rocking.

“Oy there!” a sailor yelled at him as Ryland walked aboard the boat. “We was just taking in the gangplank. We’re pushing off.”

“I’m the Duke of Marshington,” Ryland announced in a clear, authoritative voice that rang down to the dock below and likely across the ship deck. “Where is your captain?”

A man with better clothes and grooming approached Ryland.

“Oh good,” Jess said as the rest of them scrambled out of the carriage and Jeffreys handed down Jess’s valise and the blanketed bundle containing the bowl. “That’s Captain O’Henry. He ferried me more than once during the war.”

“You’ll have safe travels, then,” Derek said. He should hug her or shake her hand. Neither would be appropriate, though, and kissing her hand seemed even more ridiculous. Tipping his hat might work but his hand only encountered his overlong hair. Simply saying good-bye didn’t seem enough.

Ryland strode down the gangplank. “Up you come, Jess. He’s got to set off.”

“Right.” Jess looked at Derek, her expression unsure and hesitant. “This is it, then.”

Derek tried to say good-bye, but his mouth was too dry. He just looked at her.

“Good-bye,” Kit said jauntily, sliding up next to him. “Or farewell, if you’d rather. You two seem to be having difficulty saying it, so I thought I’d help.”

“Right,” Jess said again, but she turned and without a word strode up the gangplank, while a sailor came down to do whatever sailors did to prepare a boat to leave.

She was really leaving. Right now. He’d thought they’d have more time.

“She thinks no one should love her,” Kit said, sounding matter-of-fact when the words she’d just said should have been anything but.

“What?” Derek asked.

Before Kit could answer, Ryland came up to Derek’s other side, pulling out a book Derek knew well. “Think she’ll need this?”

The diary. Did she need it?

“I . . .” Derek looked from the book to the ship and then to Kit. “What?”

“Better run it up to her, just in case.”

“Right.” Because somehow Derek would know how to say good-bye at the top of the gangplank instead of the bottom. And what was he supposed to do about what Kit had just told him?

Ryland shoved the book into his hands and gave him a nudge. Derek shot up the gangplank. He didn’t want her last memory of him to be of him gaping at her, unable to say anything. He couldn’t have her walking away thinking she was unlovable.

He almost lost his balance as his feet hit the boat deck and his world rocked a bit. He looked around to find her. She’d moved fast once she’d gotten up here. She was nearly halfway across the ship deck.

“Jess,” he called. “The diary.”

A scraping noise sounded behind him as he ran to hand her the book.

“Derek,” she gasped. “What are you doing?”

“The diary. Ryland thought it best you have it, so I brought it to you.” Derek swallowed. “And I couldn’t let you leave without saying good-bye.”

Jess took the diary with a groan as she dropped her head forward. With a sigh she lifted it again, her face expressionless. “Save your good-bye. Apparently you’re coming to Verbonne.”

She pointed behind Derek. He turned to see that the path back to shore was no longer there, and the ship was starting to rock a bit more as she prepared to set sail.

The sailor from the gangway ran up to Derek with a valise in hand. “His Grace said you forgot this.”

Derek took his luggage without a word. He’d been had, but he couldn’t be mad about it. He was getting to go to Verbonne, getting to spend more time with Jess, getting to support her as she returned home when she thought she never would. Getting to have a conversation about what Kit had revealed.

It was something he never would have had the courage to insist upon, not with Jess so adamant that she didn’t want it, but he was grateful for it all the same.

Captain O’Henry came up to them. “Good you both made it. Told His Grace to get you two aboard, that I couldn’t hold the ship even for him.” The man shook his head, and sunlight glinted off his earring. “His Grace. Still can’t quite cotton to calling him that. Imagine all those times I had a duke hiding in my hold and I didn’t know it.”

“It wasn’t really a time for revealing secrets,” Jess said tightly.

“No, I guess not.” The captain gestured behind Derek. “This isn’t really a passenger vessel, so we haven’t any cabins, but seeing as it’s such a short hop over to Verbonne, you two can rest in my cabin until we get there. If the weather holds and we hit the tides right, we’ll be docking tonight. If not, it will be in the morning.”

Were Derek and Jess still supposed to be traveling as a married couple? Why else would the captain offer to leave them in his quarters alone? Best to stay with a safe, neutral comment until he knew for sure. “We’re much obliged.”

“I’m sure your quarters will be far more comfortable than bunking down on the cargo,” Jess said with a small smile.

Once in the captain’s quarters with the door shut, Jess set her bag down with the bowl on top of it and crossed to the windows that ran along the back of the ship to watch the water. Derek set his bag with hers and moved to stand beside her.

He took a deep breath and admitted, “I’m glad I’m going with you.”

Slowly she uncrossed her arms and lowered her hands. Her fingers twined between his and squeezed. “I’m glad you’re coming with me, too.”

Jess had moved in and out of many a port in her day. She’d hidden in trunks, disguised herself as a sailor, even slipped over the side and swam to another part of the shore. There was no need for any of that as the boat sailed into Verbonne’s port just as the sun was setting. Somehow entering her former homeland like a normal visitor felt a bit less momentous than she’d expected. Certainly less eventful.

“You’re free to stay until morning,” Captain O’Henry said. “It’ll be difficult to find lodging this late.”

“I know where we’re going,” Jess said. She didn’t add that she had no idea if they’d be welcome or not. Besides, she liked seeing a place for the first time at night. The darkness gave a certain amount of security, as even people familiar with the town stumbled about at night.

This wasn’t her first time here, however, even though it felt as if it were. There wasn’t much of the little girl who’d once lived here remaining in the woman she’d become.

“The palace is this way.” Jess guided Derek down a wide street. People still wandered about, visiting taverns or walking home from a day’s work. No one took notice of two people carrying small bundles and walking like they knew where they were going.

“Will your brother be there?”

She hoped so. She hoped she would recognize him. Would he recognize her? Was it even a possibility? Her features hadn’t changed much, but life had changed her. Didn’t that type of aging show on a person’s face?

“Only one way to find out,” she said, trudging up the hill.

“Kit said something interesting as I was boarding the ship,” Derek said softly.

“Hmmm?”

“She said you didn’t think you were worthy of love.”

Jess stopped walking briefly and then shook her head as she moved on. “I was tired. I didn’t really mean it.”

“Didn’t you?” Derek matched her steps and her pace, staying at her side and looking straight ahead. Somehow that made it easier.

“It isn’t so much that I am unworthy,” Jess said with a sigh, knowing Derek would not let this go until he had a satisfactory answer. “It’s that . . .” Jess sighed again. How was she supposed to explain this? “You said love required sacrifice. Kit agreed. I’m not worth anyone making that sacrifice.”

Derek shook his head. “You’re looking at sacrifice the wrong way, then.”

They turned a few more corners, and the people on the streets thinned out until they were practically alone, guided along by nothing but starlight and a sliver of moon when the clouds decided to let it through.

Jess guided them into the deeper shadows to avoid suspicious glances. They hadn’t seen a bath or even a proper bed in days and were looking more than a little bedraggled.

It was also easier to talk in the darker shadows.

“How is there a wrong way to look at sacrifice?” Jess asked. “It’s one person giving up something for another.”

He was quiet for a moment, then stopped and turned her to face him. “Why did you leave London?”

Jess frowned. She’d been over this and over this, and as much as she would admit that possibly she’d been a bit rash in making her decision, she didn’t regret it because she’d met Kit and Daphne and the others. “I’m not going through that again.”

Derek sighed. “I’ll rephrase it. Why did you run from London and not from Haven Manor?”

“Because Kit and Daphne needed me,” Jess said before she could think about it.

“Did you care for them more than you did for Ryland and Jeffreys and everyone else who worked for the duke?”

“Of course not.” Jess would have crossed her arms and glared if her hands hadn’t been full. “That’s insulting, Derek.”

“I have a point,” he rushed to assure her. “Staying at Haven Manor sacrificed your anonymity. Would you take it back?”

Jess stood quietly for a moment. Would she? If she could go back knowing that staying would mean exposure, would she still have stayed? Yes. “I couldn’t have left Daphne alone like that. It would have killed me to leave then.”

“Love is a sacrifice, but it’s also selfish, because when you are able to give the other person what they need, it comes back on you, too. Which means you don’t get to decide if you’re worth it or not.”

Jess’s throat felt suddenly tight. “We can’t have this conversation right now, Derek.”

He sighed. “I know, but I felt it needed to happen, and I don’t know what’s waiting for us at the top of this hill.”

“Me neither.”

“Shall we?” Derek wrapped his free arm around her shoulder and guided her along the path. “For what it’s worth,” he said, “God decided you were worth love a long time ago when He sacrificed Jesus on your behalf. If you’re going to continue to claim you aren’t worth it, you’re calling God a liar.”

“Ring a fine peal over me, why don’t you, Derek,” Jess said, forcing a laugh even as the words he’d said punched her right in the soul. They didn’t say anything more as they approached the palace, where a guard stood at the gate.

What would Jess say? Who would believe her? In the current uproar, would anyone even believe that she was there to help?

“Feel up for one more adventure?” she asked Derek.

He grinned at her, his teeth white against the darkening night. “Of course.”

“There used to be an old gate around the back corner of the palace garden. Care to see if it still opens?”

“If the alternative is explaining to him that two people who look like us should be let into the royal palace of a country in turmoil, yes. I’d very much like to see if the gate works.”

Jess chuckled and turned down a small lane. There was a very questionable future ahead of them. She didn’t want to walk into it with the weight of their previous conversation on her mind, so she tried to lighten the mood. “Did you think you’d be doing something like this when you answered the call to catalogue the art at Haven Manor?”

“No,” he said, his voice solemn. “I never thought something like this would happen to me.”

The mood suddenly didn’t feel any lighter than it had been. She swallowed around a tight throat. “Me neither.”

They continued in silence. She had to try a few different paths to find the one that led from the lane to the palace gardens, but eventually they came to the gate. Vines had grown over it, but she cut through them easily, and soon they were inside the walls.

“There’s going to be more guards inside,” she said. “Nicolas may not even be here. If his rule is in question, they may not have granted him the palace.”

“If he’s smart he took up residence anyway. It gives his position credence,” Derek added.

“We’ll assume he’s here, then.”

Derek laughed. “How do we find out if that’s true?”

“I suppose we ask.”

“Why didn’t we just ask the guard, then?”

“Because it’s so much more fun to ask when you’re already inside the house.” Jess grinned up at him, but she didn’t truly feel that mirthful. Memories were assaulting her the farther they crept into the garden. In the distance, she could hear the ocean on the rocks, could smell the begonias her mother used to cut from the garden and put in Jess’s room, could remember what rooms were behind some of the windows.

She extended the hand holding the valise toward him. “Come along.”

He wrapped his hand with hers around the handle of her bag and nodded. “Lead on.”

They didn’t see many guards as they worked their way around to the back of the palace. Was it because of the war? Because Nicolas wasn’t the true leader of the country? Because he wasn’t here?

If he wasn’t here, someone would know where he was, so she simply had to continue with her plan.

Once on the terrace, there were fewer shadows to hide in, so she pushed aside the memories of breakfasts and afternoon teas and started trying every door. Five attempts later, she found one that was unlocked.

“We need something to prop open this door,” she whispered, looking around. Once the terrace had been grand, with potted trees and an abundance of furniture. Now it was all but bare.

Derek set his bag down and looked around. “Something small?”

“No, large.”

He found a loose stone in the balustrade and brought it over. Jess winced at the removal, but she forced herself to focus. Besides, if the stone had been loose enough to pick up, repairs were already needed.

Watching Jess place the rock in a way that held the door wide open, Derek tilted his head and asked, “How long before they notice?”

“I hope not long,” Jess said. “Otherwise I worry greatly for my brother’s life.”

She grabbed her bundles and entered the house.

Here the memories were more difficult to ignore, partly because the difference was not quite so stark. The interior, at least in this section of the house, seemed to have remained mostly intact. It had been her family’s wing of the house, designed to hold advisors and visiting dignitaries.

“The upstairs parlor, I think.” Jess led the way up the narrow back staircase that she would creep down when she’d wanted to step outside and listen to the ocean at night.

They’d just entered the room when a shout was raised from the floor below and the sound of footsteps and people yelling filled the corridors. The open door had been discovered.

“Do you trust me?” Jess asked.

“If I didn’t I’d have walked away a long time ago.”

Jess smiled. “Then let’s have a seat.”