Reinvent Me

Definition: Your idea or opinion of yourself, especially your sense of your own importance and ability.

The ego – one of my favourite subjects. Oh the irony of that statement! What I mean is, I love being able to discuss how the mighty ego can rule our lives. Reinvention can be difficult if it’s your ego calling all the shots, making you hold on to a certain way of acting and living that doesn’t make you happy or fulfilled. I believe that to find your true self, and what will really make you happy, you have to face the ego and decide whether you are going to let it run your life. The exercises in this chapter are designed to help you do just that. Of course, your ego won’t disappear, but getting a slightly large ego in check, and not constantly feeding it is, in my opinion, one of the best gifts you can give yourself and a massive step toward connecting with the true you.

Many of us are affected by our ego on a daily basis. For example, if when you hand in an assignment at work, your happiness is riding on getting praise from your boss you may want to have a serious word with your ego. Do you really need that feedback if you know in your heart you’ve done a good job? Now let me just clarify, essentially there is nothing wrong with liking a compliment; the wrong lies in it starting to define you. If you’re reliant on praise and don’t get it, you may feel disheartened and upset, even lost. That means the ego has won and you have handed over the control of how you feel. The ego needs constant feeding to survive; it needs approval, and it needs to feel superior. Here’s another example: I’ll love it if you find this book helpful and inspiring, and it will warm my heart to hear of your success stories and happiness after following the Reinvent Me programme, but ultimately I’m not reliant on that feedback. It’s not going to change who I am and how I feel. I am writing this book because it makes me happy to help others. My ego wants to be told the book is amazing, but I don’t need to hear this because I know deep within that I have tried my best and that I have written with the truest intention in my heart to share with you what has helped me.

Your ego will also affect your behaviour. You may behave in a certain way simply to feed your ego, at the expense of being true to yourself. If you have an inflated ego, you may set yourself apart from others and always compete and compare. You may often feel superior, which can affect how you connect with people and how they view you. Have you ever been in a situation, perhaps at work or in a relationship, where your ego really came out to play, and you acted so differently from who you actually are or wish to be or against what you believe in? So differently that you didn’t even recognize yourself, all just to protect your ego and make sure it didn’t get bruised? Often when people fall out, it’s because of miscommunication and the ego getting in the way of the truth. When you’re going through any conflict, it’s worth checking who is in charge of your emotions – you or your ego?

I imagine the ego as cocky, self-righteous and stubborn. Taking on the ego can be a challenging battle and not always a pretty one, but it is one worth fighting. Discovering what your ego has had you do and believe until this moment can be overwhelming and you may be surprised at what you unravel when you do the exercises in this chapter. If your reinvention goal means, for example, starting at the bottom of the career ladder, downsizing your house or having less money, that ego of yours may make you feel not good enough. Giving up the things that feed your ego can make you feel vulnerable, but it can also be a wonderful, enlightening and freeing experience, enabling you to move forward in a new and exciting way.

Maybe your reinvention isn’t on this big scale. Maybe, you just want a different attitude to life? For example, if you’re someone who’s always been very opinionated and first to comment (your ego loves that!), perhaps you want to become a better listener, and more open-minded and flexible in your behaviour. I realize that this may be difficult in the beginning, but little by little, as you raise your awareness, the benefit of listening will outweigh the need to be right. You will begin to realize that just because you don’t force your opinion upon others, or others disagree with you, doesn’t make you any less of a person.

I’ve met many people who claim that a big ego was the key to their success, but I think that’s debatable. I would like you to consider if there is another way, one that makes you content and happy in your behaviour. When we believe in our own hype, believing that we are all separate, ‘success’ is often either short-lived or camouflaging deep unhappiness and insecurity – the ‘success’ is often to the detriment of our own long-term contentment.

One thing I know for sure is that building ourselves up again, and changing and improving, becomes a little easier when we let go of who we used to be, or who we think we should be, and accept who we are now in this moment – and when we embrace that we are all one.

Do you want to discover more about your relationship with your ego and how it’s aiding your journey or blocking it? Go ahead and dive right into the exercises in this chapter.

As a successful dancer, I constantly compared myself to other women and to the couples I was competing with – how they looked, how they dressed and their progress. Being told I was a fantastic dancer and being complimented on my looks became a matter of course, and my ego loved it!

The success also afforded me a lifestyle I’d dreamed of in those early days, once I made it onto the professional circuit. However, the fame, success and attention never sat easily with me. My parents had taught me to be humble and to be grateful for even the small things in life. I came to realize that when the ego takes over and starts running our lives these qualities are challenged hugely. When we start getting used to a certain type of lifestyle our values and beliefs can get lost. I went on a huge journey of discovery before I became a Life Coach and ‘turned myself inside out’ using some of the exercises you’ll find in this chapter. I was finally able to connect with the truest version of myself, and then one day I had a ‘light bulb’ moment when I realized that I was being held back by my ego’s fears and limited beliefs. This was a very important turning point in my career.

When I left Strictly Come Dancing in 2008 after winning the show, I knew I was ready to embark on a new journey to retrain, study and invest in my future, and I was ready to give up the fame and fortune to fulfil my dream of opening my own Life Coaching business.

Then some years later, in 2013, I believe my ego was challenged. By the way, this happens often when we make major changes – we get tested to see if we really have changed and have an opportunity to act the old way or the new way. My challenge was moving from being in front of the camera and part of the ‘talent’ on Strictly Come Dancing to being behind the scenes choreographing and supporting the dancers and celebrities. Considering that in the past I had endorsed brands as a celebrity, headlined at theatres and been a guest on TV shows, many people thought this behind-the-scenes role was an odd choice. But the difference was I didn’t care! I went with what felt fun and right to me – I was no longer bothered about feeding my ego by being in the limelight. Choreographing was a creative role and I got to use my Life Coaching skills to support the couples, so it was win-win. Two things happened while I was doing this job that proved to me that I had my ego under control. One day standing at the side of the dance floor one of the other dancers asked, ‘Don’t you just want to be out there?’ To which I replied without any hesitation, ‘No, I’m so happy stood here watching you all execute the choreography and so proud of you all.’ It was an amazing moment. I felt like I was able to observe the situation for what it was – a job, not my life or who I was.

Then a few weeks later my ego got tested again: the show had one of its biggest nights broadcasting from Blackpool, one of the most famous ballrooms in the UK, a ballroom that had been part of my entire journey and where my dream of becoming a famous dancer had begun. I was asked to join a routine in a non-starring role to help it go smoothly. After we had performed, someone said to me, ‘I don’t know how you did that, I could have never done that.’ I just smiled to myself for in that moment I knew my ego was in a good place. I didn’t feel any less of a person to jump in and help in a non-starring role. I just felt happy and proud of what everyone had produced that day. I knew for sure that if my ego had still been in charge the whole situation would have played out differently.

Being able to put your ego into perspective allows you to start over or to take on different exciting projects no matter where on the ladder you are. If you are not afraid to roll up your sleeves, start again at the bottom of the ladder and get your hands dirty, the opportunities for reinvention are endless. Imagine if my ego had stopped me from going back to a show I adore and love? I wouldn’t have had five months of wonderful memories and friendships. In some ways I preferred being on the sideline because the schedule was more manageable and I actually had time to enjoy my job.

Of course there were parts of being in the spotlight I enjoyed. I loved the photoshoots, our wedding being in Hello magazine and some of the freebies and perks that came with a celebrity lifestyle. However it was always the experiences I could share with my friends or family that were the most fun. But, believe me, when I closed my eyes at night and went through my daily gratitude list, not once did jumping the queue at a famous nightclub or getting the ‘best’ table in the restaurant ever make it on there.

I can honestly say that with or without the limelight, I am the same person. When I look back at my career it’s not the winning moments that spring to mind first; it’s the people I met, the experiences I shared, the actual journey of getting there, the inspiration and kindness from strangers I met along the way. Those are the memories that make me smile and that I hold dearly – those are real and not my ego.

‘when you are content to
be simply yourself and don’t
compare or compete,
everybody will respect you.’
Lao Tzu

This exercise helps you get to the truth of what you really want in life. Put your ego to one side, keep an open mind and go with the first answers that come to you. Make a list of everything that is important to you from 1–10, with 1 being the most important. For example, family, life balance, security, excitement, money, career, relationship, exercise, travel.

1 ....................................................

2 ....................................................

3 ....................................................

4 ....................................................

5 ....................................................

6 ....................................................

7 ....................................................

8 ....................................................

9 ....................................................

10 ...................................................

How does this list compare to what you have in your life now and how those things are prioritized? Are you surprised by what you’ve learnt? Use your answers to work out how you might approach your reinvention and re-prioritize. If, for example, feeling secure is important, but you want a career change, you may want to re-educate yourself while in your current job. If, on the other hand, excitement is up there at the top, I’d say just make the move and work out the details later!

With this exercise, find out what’s driving your ego and whether those things are a good fit for the real you.

How big is your ego?

Rate the size of your ego on a scale of 1–10, with 10 being the biggest ....................

What feeds your ego?

Write down five things that feed your ego. For example, in the past I would have written things such as success, having a flashy car, people telling me I was an amazing dancer, feeling superior to people.

1 .......................................................

2 .......................................................

3 .......................................................

4 .......................................................

5 .......................................................

What are your true qualities?

Write down five words that describe the true you. Don’t think about this for too long. Those instinctive words are more likely to be from your soul than your ego. Examples might be loving, curious, kind, caring, creative.

1 .......................................................

2 .......................................................

3 .......................................................

4 .......................................................

5 .......................................................

What can you learn from your answers? Is there a mismatch between what feeds your ego and the true you? If so, consider where you may need to make changes to bring more of the true you to your reinvention and in every situation in your life.

Be as truthful as you can while doing this exercise. We all have an ego! We are just establishing if you are running your ego, or whether it is running you.

Answer the following questions ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and explain why:

Does my relationship, sport or job define me?

...................................................

Do I validate myself from being praised?

...................................................

Do my work or hobbies just boost my ego or do they make me happy deep within?

...................................................

Do I rely on other people’s approval of me or my work?

...................................................

Do I often act out of character?

...................................................

The more you answered ‘yes’, the more you’re defined by your ego. Are you surprised by how much your ego is ruling your life? As you become more aware of how much your ego has a hold of you and your decisions, you are able to consider what you need to be mindful of and what you perhaps want to change or work on through your reinvention.

It’s one thing to be aware of how your ego is affecting your life, another to do something about it. Answer the following questions, explaining your answer:

Am I willing to give up some things that feed my ego (for example, money, success, attention, compliments)?

................................................

Am I concerned about not knowing who I am without this relationship, habit or job?

................................................

Am I willing to be vulnerable?

................................................

It’s okay if you’re not ready to let go of these things. Carry on as you are knowing that the option to change is there when you feel ready. If you are ready, be prepared to feel vulnerable – you are, after all, stripping back to basics. If you allow a feeling of vulnerability, you will rebuild from a true place within. Sometimes we have to side step or step down to move forward in a new way. The exercises in this book will support you through vulnerable times and help you face the fear of change. I know what it feels like to swap the familiar for the unknown, but, believe me, we have an immense amount of inner strength to get through times of change when we decide to connect to it.

As a child I loved being the centre of attention, so I guess that was the sign of a big ego. I felt I was better than everyone else, mainly because many things came easily to me – I was good academically, as well as in sports and music. If people said I couldn’t do something, I wouldn’t stop until I had proved them wrong – I carried that through into my adult life.

Looking back I think having an ego helped me, as I never doubted I would succeed as an actor. However, this unwavering self-belief bordered on being cocky and a lot of my behaviour came from a place of insecurity. I thought I had to act a certain way to fit into the acting world and I cared so much about what others thought of me.

Straight out of university and for over 10 years I was a working actor, going from job to job fairly seamlessly. However, during a long-standing contract I became aware that I wasn’t actually the person I wanted to be and I wasn’t happy. I started to look at myself more closely and with the help of a Life Coach I realized I didn’t like what I found. I was arrogant, narrow-minded and argumentative – not flattering qualities. In fact, if

I wanted to change, be happier, more content and like myself more. At the time I associated all my negative qualities with the acting industry and felt that I had allowed the job to define me, so I started to pull away. Now, many years on, I realize that it wasn’t the job that needed changing, it was me. I started thinking about changing my job, moving to a new area and creating a new life. Doing so wasn’t easy because my ego still loved being boosted by being on TV daily and being well paid, but I needed to know who I was now, without the big ego and without the job. I wanted to find out if people would like the real me.

It took for me to walk away from the business altogether and explore other avenues to find happiness. I became more compassionate, more honest and more of my true self – and this is not my ego speaking, this is what my wife and my friends have told me! I remember how vulnerable I felt in the beginning once I had made major personal changes. Going to social events where people already knew me from before took courage and it felt like I was learning how to be me all of the time, not just some of the time.

I now work in a business that requires me to be confident, but I know that isn’t the same as being dictated to by my ego. And, funnily enough, when I work in the acting industry now, I enjoy it much more – it’s fun and I’m finally completely comfortable in my own skin in that environment. I don’t spend time trying to prove myself to others and worry about what people think about me because I know who I am and that’s good enough for me.

If I deal with my big ego, will I lose the confidence and drive to run my company as successfully as I do now?

Being driven and confident is not the same as being ruled by a huge ego. For example, when the ego is in charge, you are less likely to consider your employees’ feelings and ideas and more likely to rule with an ‘I’ rather than a ‘we’ attitude. Letting go of some of that ego won’t mean you lose your drive and confidence, but it will open you up to possibilities and conversations you never even realized were available to you. And you may find you have a newfound energy from not having to keep up the image of having all the answers all of the time.

I find it difficult to back down from an argument even when I know I’m in the wrong. How can I deal with this?

The ego likes to be right all the time to feel superior and sees backing down or saying sorry as a weakness rather than a strength. By not backing down and diffusing the situation, you are simply fuelling the egos on both sides and causing more hurt and upset for you and the other person. You may save face to a certain extent, but you lose so much more. So think about what you’ll gain and don’t worry about who was right or wrong – you will enjoy the feeling of liberation surrendering brings.