Reinvent Me

Definition: to gradually develop over a period of time into something different and usually more advanced.

Now, while I want you to stay positive about your reinvention – that new life or new you that you’ve visualized – I also want you to be realistic. Reinvention is unlikely to happen overnight – allowing yourself and your goal to evolve is a key part of the process. It will require patience, perseverance and a certain amount of flexibility. As I know from personal experience, reinvention isn’t always a smooth path. Sometimes it can feel as if you’re making your way out of a maze, while at other times it can be fun and exciting. You may have to adapt your plans, roll with the punches and to some extent let life happen.

As you try to evolve, you may meet resistance from those close to you and from yourself because of fear of the unknown and fear of change, especially if you are quite comfortable, albeit not content, as you are. But nothing ever stays exactly the same now does it? Life is constantly evolving, whether we want it to or not. If we want to create a fulfilled life for ourselves, the only real choice we have is to resist it or start evolving with it. Here’s a good example of being passive and allowing life to evolve around you, or being proactive and taking charge of your own evolvement. Let’s say you’ve been in a job for 10 years and that you’ve always been fairly ambitious, but you’ve become comfortable and reasonably content, so haven’t bothered to do extra training, explore other areas within the business or evolved much on a personal level. Meanwhile, your colleague who is on a similar level has pushed himself that little bit further, learning new skills and taking a keener interest in the business overall, and evolved personally. When the business has to make cuts and choose between you, who do you think will be kept? Rather than being ready when the opportunity arose, life has evolved around you, leaving you no choice but to look for a new job. Having said that, sometimes that kind of push is exactly what we need to evolve, change and learn something new. How often have you heard someone say that being made redundant, although difficult at the time, turned out to be the best thing that happened to them?

I just want you to realize that there are different ways of evolving. You can decide to take charge of it yourself or you can wait until something happens or someone else decides for you – either way, we continually evolve. This can also be the case in relationships: perhaps you stayed with someone because it felt safe, even though you weren’t happy, only to find further down the line your partner ended the relationship anyway, leaving you much more vulnerable than if you’d made that decision yourself, as well as perhaps feeling rejected and regretful.

I understand why it can be comfortable to stay as you are and choose not to evolve – it probably feels safer at the time and doing nothing is definitely less work and less immediate stress than making changes. It takes energy and curiosity to want to learn new things, especially as we get older, but trust me: to wait until you are pushed can take a lot more energy. Often we start playing it safe because, hey, if we haven’t tried we haven’t failed, right? WRONG – in my opinion, it’s the not trying that is failing.

In order to evolve you have to allow yourself to make mistakes, to feel vulnerable sometimes and to have setbacks along the way. You have to allow for little hiccups in your plan and not allow them to stop you from moving forward. I’m yet to meet someone who has successfully reinvented themselves and not faced obstacles along the way. However, it’s how they handled those obstacles that determined whether they succeeded or not. They saw the obstacles as challenges rather than stop signs or road blocks, learnt from them and proceeded.

It can be frustrating when you feel that you’re starting all over again. There have been many times in my life when I have felt stupid because I knew so little about my new venture. Then I would remind myself that at least I had the courage to start a brand new journey and reassured myself that it was okay not to know everything overnight. With a smile to myself I would get over my embarrassment and think, well there’s no time like the present to go ahead and study and learn whatever I need to.

At times when I have gone through personal reinvention, such as when I went through a very public relationship breakdown, I felt extremely vulnerable, as if the whole world was witnessing my change. What these experiences taught me is to accept what is and then make the most out of it. Evolving in a relationship can be hugely challenging at times because both partners need to change at the same speed, which rarely happens. It can teach us a lot about being patient with ourselves and with our partners. And it can teach us the huge lesson that just because we are evolving, we can’t expect others to want to do the same. We can, however, lead the way and hope that they will follow, like shining the light but allowing them to find it when they are ready. It can be challenging to see someone you care about unhappy and it’s difficult to allow them to be where they are at, and give them the space and time to come to their own realization, and it can be frustrating when they don’t understand our need to evolve, but this is all part of you evolving personally.

Accepting you need to end a relationship in order to evolve can be one of the most difficult things of all. But the pain we go through, the difficult conversations we have, are all part of evolving. When we say goodbye to relationships, jobs and bad habits, we can start to rebuild ourselves, putting ourselves together in a new way, and become excited about all the new possibilities we have opened ourselves up to. Evolving isn’t always easy, but I believe it is necessary.

When I was aged 21 and still living in Denmark, I had a fabulous opportunity to continue being an estate agent after my apprenticeship had finished. Now, looking back over my life, I can’t imagine what would have happened if I had done so. Not because of the job itself, but because by doing all the other jobs since, I have travelled the world, faced challenges, evolved and triumphed in a way I don’t believe I would have if I had stayed put. Each challenge has taught me valuable lessons, which have helped me to evolve into a much more rounded and contented human being. Every job and relationship has helped me become more in touch with who I truly am.

I have walked away from well-paid jobs and ended relationships because they were no longer serving me or the other person. The older I got, the more I realized the consequences of my actions, knowing that my lifestyle would have to change and that I would have to sacrifice some luxuries for some time. I became more aware of the impact my decisions would have on my family and friends. I was aware I might fail, that I could suck at my new venture, that people might think I was foolish, and that I could lose my house and savings on something that didn’t work out. And, yes, there were times when I didn’t come out on top and I had to cut my losses more than once, but sometimes you just have to listen to yourself and understand deep within you what you want for yourself. How would you like to see yourself evolve? And then accept that if you are going to do those things, you may need to make massive changes and accept that there will be times of uncertainty.

A few years ago something very important about evolving suddenly came to me, like an epiphany. In 2013 I had gone back to Strictly Come Dancing to be the assistant choreographer. The following year, having moved to LA and opened my Life Coaching business there, which was still in its infant stages in the US, I was asked to return to choreograph again. Although I had loved every minute, I knew deep down within me that choreographing was not my deepest desire – it wasn’t my truth, my path. However much I loved working with the team, who were like family to me, I had no desire to create in that way any longer. So I sat down and had a long think about why I would potentially say yes and why I would say no. I considered how taking the job would help me to evolve. I realized that I would only take the job because I loved working with the team and would get paid a decent salary, but those were not good enough reasons and I couldn’t see how doing the job would help my personal evolvement, which at that point in my life was very much at the top of my list of priorities – I felt I had learnt what I needed from that situation and I was craving to evolve in a different way.

Then something else really important hit me. I realized that by taking the job I would, in fact, be blocking that space for someone who really wanted and needed to be there, someone whose creativity was waiting to be used in that way, someone who had a burning desire in their belly to be there. It was the same when I left the show as a professional dancer – by moving onto my journey, following my truth if you like, I had left a space open for someone else to evolve by stepping into the position I had left behind. This principle excited me because I started to imagine a world where we all move onto where we feel called to be without fear. When we allow the natural flow of evolvement, we can imagine someone else doing the same and leaving a space open for us.

Considering this when you are facing big choices can take away some of the fear. If we go against this natural flow, we not only block ourselves from experiences beyond what we can imagine but we also block someone else, and so the ripple effect continues.

In the same way, if you leave a relationship that isn’t right for you, however hard that is, you are allowing yourself and your partner to go on to meet the right people. You leave space for the right relationships to evolve. When I wrote the email turning down the job, an email full of gratitude, I imagined someone else filling that space in a much better way. The job did in fact go to a dear friend of mine who needed to be in London much more than I did at that time, and it truly filled my heart to know that a greater plan had come together.

This exercise helps you to check in with yourself to make sure you are allowing your evolvement to flow freely and not blocking it in some subconscious way. Allow your answers to the questions below to guide you.

Ask yourself:

Am I blocking myself from flowing freely?
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Am I blocking this space for someone else whose journey this is?
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Am I holding a space that really is no longer in line with who I am?
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Am I staying in a relationship or job for the wrong reasons and is it making me unhappy and stressed?

..............................................................

Ask yourself:

Is there space in my life to evolve?
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How could I make some small changes that would allow there to be space for me to evolve?
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Can you use what you’ve learnt to move on? For example, if you are single but working 24/7, how are you going to find time for a relationship? If you want to learn new skills, are you making time for evening courses? If getting fit and healthy is part of your reinvention, are you going to be able to have time for the gym or sports and still maintain your social schedule?

As you evolve it’s important to understand what’s in your power to change and what’s not. Ask yourself:

What can I control?

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What can’t I control?
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Do your answers make you feel more positive and empowered? For example, you can’t control the demands that an employer or family or relationship makes, but you can control putting boundaries in place. You can’t control that your workplace is halving its staff, but you can control how you react to it and what action you take to move on. You can’t control that your partner has fallen out of love with you, but you can control how long you are going to dwell on it and decide whether you are going to keep carrying the sorrow into the future.

This is an exercise I love so much. Sometimes we are so busy running around being the perfect employee or boss, the perfect partner, the perfect parent, the perfect son or daughter, and so keen not to disappoint others that we disappoint ourselves. We don’t go for that promotion because of family commitments; we don’t go travelling the world because it’s not the sensible thing to do according to xyz; we don’t end a relationship because we don’t want to hurt our partner. Just like that, you can ignore your deepest desires to evolve, ignore being true to yourself, or you can grab this opportunity and be honest with yourself as you have some fun answering these questions!

Becoming more me, means doing more of the following things ...................................................................

Becoming more me feels .....................................................

Evolving to me means .........................................................

Being true to who I am feels ...............................................

How did it feel to put yourself first for a change? Great, I hope!

I was a fashion editor with a busy schedule and a family. Life was good but stressful, so my mother-in-law suggested that I take up meditation. I took her advice and was soon aware of the many benefits, but I wanted a place to meditate without having to do the yoga – like a dry bar for meditation. I couldn’t find that anywhere, so I thought, ‘How about creating one! Surely I wasn’t the only person who just wanted to go and meditate?’

I had no idea how I would achieve this goal. I knew all about being a fashion editor, but nothing about running a business. However, I was open to learning and passionate about my project. I quickly found that you learn by going through the experience yourself. I thought it was frustrating at times that people couldn’t just tell me what they knew, but I know now that I had to learn in order to grow and be in charge of my vision.

I have definitely evolved as a business person and on a personal level through this process. I learnt, for example, that impatience didn’t get things done and that motivating your staff with kind words and support worked much better. I also learnt that I don’t always have to react to something immediately – it’s okay to take my time to respond. One of the biggest lessons I would like to share is that even taking baby steps each day will help get you there.

Of course it didn’t all just happen; I had many moments of fear and doubt. I remember one day crying and telling a close friend that I wasn’t sure how to make this happen, that it felt too hard and that a lot of people were saying it wasn’t going to work. She took my hand and said, ‘I believe in you’ and that was all the support I needed. From then on I literally imagined putting all my fears, which were blocking me, in an imaginary box and putting it under an imaginary bed and that’s where they have stayed ever since. With the fear put aside, I got on with taking action.

When you have a dream, it’s okay to let it evolve gradually; it doesn’t have to be an abrupt ending. For example, if necessary, hold on to your day job and slowly explore the new area you’re interested in. There are many resources and courses online, which are hugely beneficial when taking on a new challenge. Don’t get bogged down in the detail: I didn’t ever waste my time on the how, but instead focused on what I could do every day and task by task I got there. One of the most helpful tools we have at the studio is a suggestion box – the comments from clients are vital as I’m fully aware that I’m learning and evolving every single day.

‘Just an hour of focused
attention a day, if that’s
all the time you have,
can bring you closer to
your reinvention.’

My plans to retrain have been put on hold for financial reasons. I can’t see a way back now.

Often finances can stand in the way or be an excuse we use not to commit to our reinvention. I believe there is always a way, even if it’s not obvious at first. While at a dinner party recently someone was telling me how they were curious about learning more about positive psychology, but that they weren’t sure they could invest the money to train. Then the lady who was sitting next to me blurted out, ‘I’ll teach you.’ Just like that, a connection was made. The action this person took was to say, ‘I need help. Can anyone help me?’ If finances are tight, tap into everything that’s available to you.

There is so much free information and so many courses online and people who want to help or swap skills. I have often taught someone a subject I’m an expert in and in return they have taught me something – a win-win situation. Cast your net wide, on social media, by talking to friends, or even to strangers, at the gym for example. What is there to lose by asking? Instead of thinking it can’t happen, think ‘How can I make this happen?’ I know many people who were curious about working in the theatre or the fitness business and so they started by volunteering in that field and ended up as permanent staff, loving their job and life.

I love my partner, but I feel like I’ll never fully evolve and be true to myself while I’m with him. What should I do?

Narrow down what is making you feel this way and then start communicating with your partner. Sometimes our partners reflect back to us things we need to work on and heal within, and sometimes they reflect things we have already gone through. It’s important to know which of the two it is.

If you have always been a fixer (someone who enjoys the challenge of fixing someone else) in a relationship, you may no longer want to play that role. You need to be honest and say I’m done ‘fixing’, I need you to step up and make changes too. Not communicating how we feel, hoping things will work themselves out, is a huge reason why things go wrong in relationships. Communication in a relaxed and open manner where both parties listen and speak is key. If this is not possible, consider seeking help from someone neutral such as a Life Coach or therapist.

Making changes can feel like being at sea in stormy weather, but once our personal changes settle, the relationship may fall into place. Being patient is key. When someone in a relationship asks me, ‘Do you think we are right for each other?’, my reply is always, ‘What do you think? If you are asking that question, maybe you need to have a big think about your relationship. Would you want to be in a relationship where your partner is asking this question about you? Or do you want to be in a relationship where you just know and they know that it’s right?

Remember this …

Be patient with yourself as you evolve. Know that no matter how confusing it can be, there will eventually be clarity if you trust in your own ability.

There are no mistakes. it’s all part of getting us where we need to get so we can learn what we need to learn.

Trust that you are exactly where you need to be at this stage of your life and that you are on the right path, even when it feels like a detour.

‘I am committed to evolving,
changing and growing so that
I can be the best version
of myself and bring my light
to this world.’

‘I am a creative and beautiful
human being and i have all that
I need within me.’