Reinvent Me

Nurturing is a crucial part of this reinvention programme, both nurturing your talents and yourself. Going through any type of change requires energy, commitment and perseverance, so it’s essential to look after both body and mind.

I have learnt what it truly means to nurture from personal experience and from the many clients I have had the honour of working with over the years. Many have had a thriving business yet felt at an all-time low in their personal lives, and vice versa – I have seen clients dedicated to raising a family to the point where they have nothing left to give at work or to themselves. When we are flying high in one area of our lives, it’s easy to keep our focus on that and neglect other areas. For example, you might work really long hours because you enjoy it or because you accept it as the price you have to pay for regular promotions and salary increases, but as a result you tend to eat on the go, have no time for exercise, feel stressed, have no time for a relationship or a social life or any other creative outlets that would help nurture your talents. When this is the case, you might find you wake up one day feeling totally exhausted physically and mentally.

There’s nothing wrong with deciding to dedicate, say, a couple of months or even a few years to a new project where you give it your full attention, but it is another thing to fall into a pattern where this is just how it is all the time and taking care of yourself comes way down on your list of priorities. This is not sustainable in the long run – we are not machines and if we don’t eat well, exercise and rest enough it will take its toll on us. In my opinion, nurturing should be at the top of your list of priorities, however busy you are. I personally schedule in lie-ins, massages or hot baths – just a little ‘me time’ – because I know that is what I need in order to be my happy self. When I start to neglect those things, I become someone who I’m not and who I don’t like – frustrated, stressed and moody. When I started to consider how to nurture all areas of my life, the word that came to mind was balance.

Knowing yourself and saying ‘this is what I need to be the best version of myself’ may mean a change of outlook and take some getting used to, but it’s essential. Nobody else can do this for you and when you are run down and exhausted and have nothing to give it will be too late, the flu will have set in or you will have snapped at someone or even worse hit rock-bottom exhaustion. At that point you are not doing yourself or the people around you any favours. We need to learn to notice the signs before it comes to this. I know you might be thinking, ‘But I’m so busy I simply haven’t got the time for this.’ I understand that concern, I have been there many times and it took me a complete creative and personal burnout to realize, but knowing what I know now, it’s all a matter of prioritizing at all times what is truly most important to us. We have to monitor ourselves by raising our awareness.

The other equally important part of nurture is nurturing your talents and creative outlets. When you feel as if you are running on empty, doing something creative that uses your talents can inspire you and fuel other areas of your life. The magical thing that happens when you nurture your talents is that you tap into something creative – the child within, if you like – and by doing so you allow yourself to be fully immersed in that thing. For example, let’s say you like drawing – when you are doing that, you are fully present, concentrating only on this skill. It’s meditative, which allows your mind to take a rest from its usual concerns and stresses. Once you have finished, you feel refreshed and then carry this positive feeling into other areas of your life. When dancing was my hobby, before it became my profession, I would finish my day job and sometimes arrive at practice feeling majorly stressed. However, by the time I finished my practice I felt energized and had completely forgotten what I was stressed about.

When you nurture the different skills and talents that you have, you may even find ways to interlink your skills to build a bridge between the two. For example, I was doing Life Coaching long before I made it my main business. I used to coach people I would meet through dancing, TV and theatre so I was able to nurture that skill alongside my other work. The exercises in this chapter help you to look at all aspects of your life to ensure you have the right balance between creating and resting, work and fun.

When I was working really hard to get to the top of my game in competitive ballroom dancing, I was undoubtedly nurturing my passion for performing and dancing. However, I worked so hard that I forgot to nurture my body in the way it needed and deserved. I wanted to succeed so badly and for all the hard work to pay off now. I was convinced that if I took my foot of the pedal for one second by having a day of rest or allowing myself a bit of pampering, that someone else would reach that goal before me. Even when I did take a day off, I was not present and enjoying it; instead my thoughts would still be racing at 100 miles an hour, thinking about the routine I was working on at the time and worrying that I wasn’t in the studio rehearsing. So it wasn’t really rest at all, it was just more work.

This wasn’t a very healthy approach and definitely not one that nurtured me physically and mentally in the best way. The result was that my immune system was often weak and I would catch every cold going, and because my body was fatigued it was easy to pull muscles and get minor injuries. I wasn’t making time to wind down properly, so I often felt stressed, tired and snappy, which meant I wasn’t firing on all cylinders when I really needed to get ahead in competitions. It took me to hit a complete burnout to realize I had to make changes in my life and start to nurture myself, but it doesn’t have to get to that place for you.

Once I started incorporating mindful practices into my life, for example being more mindful of what I ate and how I exercised, and taking time to have regular massages, things improved. Nowadays if I have a busy day coaching, it is simply a priority for me to make sure I have eaten right and exercised, even if I’ve only had time to go for a walk. Eating the right food, having the right amount of sleep and scheduling in a power nap or a 5-minute meditation is part of my life. I have realized I have to prepare according to my schedule and having balance has become my main priority. It means that there is balance between creating and resting, teaching and learning, using energy and filling myself up. Nowadays, knowing what a burnout feels like, I notice the warning signs before it’s too late and I make sure I take action before it gets to that.

‘Be mindful of your
thoughts as they have
the power to become
your reality.’

This wonderful meditation, one of my favourites, helps you work out where you should be focusing your energy.

In my mid-twenties I was feeling frustrated and wondering if I would ever achieve my dancing goals, and I seriously considered giving up on my dream. Then a very special woman told me three very important words that changed my life – ‘Energy follows thought’. She encouraged me to put these words on the wall where I could look at them every day and to be mindful of what I spent my energy on, especially my ‘mental energy’ – my thoughts. I realized quite quickly that I used a lot of energy worrying about what my competitors were doing, comparing myself to them and their journey and feeling frustrated that I wasn’t getting the gigs they were getting or mastering a step the way they did. I soon became mindful of all the energy I was wasting thinking about things that were out of my control and which had nothing to do with my journey. I started to catch myself whenever my thoughts would go there and redirect my energy back to myself. I’d ask myself where is my energy best spent for me to improve and nurture my talents? One of the biggest revelations was how much time I suddenly had now that I was only focusing on and nurturing myself and how much more clarity of mind I had. It was powerful and my career and life from that moment went from strength to strength.

Of course it’s human to get caught up in other people’s lives, especially when we pick up a magazine or read a social media post. But having this little tool in our back pockets means that we can switch our thinking, redirect our energy as soon as we notice and instead of being envious of someone, feel inspired: think instead ‘I can’t wait to do that myself’ or ‘If they can do it, so can I.’

So write down those words – ‘Energy follows thought’ – where you can see them, then try this meditation to work out where you are spending your energy and whether you need to switch it to somewhere else. Have your notebook to hand in case helpful thoughts come to mind that you want to write down after you have done the meditation.

Sit comfortably somewhere you can relax and close your eyes.

As you breathe in each time, relax each part of your body from the tip of your toes to the top of your head until you feel completely relaxed in your entire body.

Then just sit there quietly noticing your breath and bring your focus onto the question: ‘Where am I directing my energy in my life?’ What am I giving my attention to? Then just sit with that question for a moment and you may notice that different helpful thoughts pop into your mind. Just allow for them to come, they may come while you meditate or later, either way is fine.

Then after a few minutes, change it to the following thought: ‘Do I need to redirect my energy so that it can be spent in a more beneficial way to me?’

And finally. ‘Where shall I direct my energy, attention and focus so that it is nurturing my reinvention?’

After a few minutes, open your eyes and jot down anything that came to mind.

Take a moment to consider consciously where you would like to direct your energy. What would you like to give your attention to? Write it down.

When you’re nurturing yourself and your talents, consider if your lifestyle is in line with what you are trying to achieve. When we think about detoxing, we usually focus on our diet. For this exercise, I want you to take detoxing to a new level and consider if there is anything else in your life you need to detox to bring your lifestyle in alignment with your reinvention?

For example, if you are working on getting over a relationship and trying to find happiness again, consider what type of music you listen to, what TV shows you watch and how you talk about your situation to others. If you listen to sad songs and watch depressing movies about relationships not working out, these will evoke negative feelings and will not help you toward healing. If you swap to more positive music, TV and movies, they will put you in a different mindset and slowly you will shift your perception. It’s okay to feel the sadness of something, but there comes a point when it’s time to take action and move on.

Another area to detox may be a friend who is negative and drains you, or who isn’t supportive of your reinvention efforts. Or perhaps your house is so cluttered that there is no space for you to feel inspired and creative. All of these things combined, as well as diet and exercise, can either support or hinder your journey.

So, I ask you now to become mindful of who you surround yourself with, what you listen to, what you watch, the words you use and everything else you spend your precious energy on. Take a moment here to consider what you need to detox to allow your lifestyle to support your reinvention in the best possible way?

Music: .............................................................................

Home: ............................................................................

TV shows: ......................................................................

Food: ..............................................................................

Friends: .........................................................................

Body: ..............................................................................

Look at your answers and start making small changes. It doesn’t have to be an overnight detox. Once you change one area, other more positive life choices will naturally follow.

Fill out a chart with suggestions of things that you would like to bring into your life that would help you to nurture yourself more:

My mind: Write down those things that would help you relax: for example, a daily or weekly nature walk, a daily 5-minute meditation, reading a book for 20 minutes each day.

My talents: For example, if you love writing, you could start a blog. If you danced as a teenager, you could take up dancing again now. If you have a talent for computer programming, you could start an online course in web developing. If you love baking, you could set up a small sideline baking cakes. By nurturing talents such as these, you might at the same time earn money and ultimately start on the path that will lead you to where you want to go.

My body: Write down foods that would nurture you, and specific vegetables and fruits that you would like to introduce into your life. Write down healthy swaps, such as dates instead of chocolate, raw carrots instead of crisps. If you want to exercise more, set yourself a goal of what you’d like to achieve, whether that’s walking or running a certain distance, or attending a particular gym class. Feeling healthier in body and mind will help you to feel strong within and help you find the confidence to follow your dreams.

Do these changes seem more achievable now that they’re written down? It can be rewarding to tick them off as and when you achieve them.

I was a CEO of a successful company, divorced and single, eating out and partying in posh clubs in London most nights and getting VIP treatment, which often meant hanging out with celebrities. I was definitely flying high and to most people my life appeared to be glamorous. It was fun for a while, but my stress levels at work were at an all-time high and burning the candle at both ends was starting to take its toll on my body and my health in a big way.

I wasn’t feeling well and I had put on a lot of weight from drinking too much alcohol and from constantly eating the wrong things on the go, so much so that I didn’t recognize myself when I looked in the mirror any more. I used to be very health conscious and nurture myself, but I had got sucked into my job and the lifestyle that came with it.

Two things happened that made me stop in my tracks, reevaluate my life and realize it was time for reinvention. One night at home my teenage daughter confronted me with the words, ‘Mum I wish you would stop drinking so much, it’s not good for your health and I’m worried about you.’ This really hit home immediately. I didn’t see myself as someone who had an addiction or a problem with alcohol; just someone who looked to enjoy life. I was surprised that she had noticed it, but as I sat there shocked by her comment, digesting my daughter’s words, I realized that drinking alcohol had become part of my routine. The more I went for boozy lunches and dinners, the less I did anything to nurture myself and to ease my stress – quite the opposite in fact, I had let myself go.

Not long after this conversation I remember sitting around a dinner table with a bunch of people I hardly knew, thinking what on earth am I doing to myself, this is not who I am. That really was a defining moment. A few days later I decided to open up to a friend about my situation and she suggested that I went to an AA meeting. It was tough, I was in denial for a while as to how bad the social drinking had become, there were lots of tears and a lot of resistance from me before I started making any changes, but I kept thinking of the impact that me not nurturing myself would have on my daughter and that became my motivation.

It took time to realize and accept that although I by no means drank from morning to night, I had created an unhealthy lifestyle for myself. Step by step I started to make small nurturing changes to my life. It was like I was finding my way back to who I truly was. My health also improved and I started exercising again. I began to make different choices in my life, such as meeting with a friend and heading to yoga and catching up over a green tea instead of going to a bar. It took a year until I really felt like I had my health and body back on track and before the stress at work had subsided too. Making these conscious nurturing choices in my life meant I suddenly felt so much more focused in my life and like I had so much more clarity and energy for myself, my family and my work.

‘You see your reflection
in other people. if you
no longer recognize what
you see, then tune in and
figure out a way to change
that reflection.’

I’ve heard that meditation helps with anxiety and stress, but how can I warrant sitting still when I have a million things to do?!

I can totally relate to this question. I was someone who used to drive through life in fifth gear, thinking that sitting still would slow me down rather than help propel me forward. I have to admit to you that I was wrong. Now, no matter how busy I am, I find a few minutes to connect to my breath before I leave the house in the morning. I simply don’t have the time not to meditate, because when I have meditated in the morning everything else goes just that little bit smoother for the rest of the day. For example, I’m less likely to get frustrated when I’m stuck in traffic or if someone is rude to me; instead I feel like I have this inner patience with myself and others that overflows into everything I do. Meditation makes it easier to stay focused on one thing at a time and be more present in each thing that you do, whether you are working or busy at home.

Meditating can be as simple as sitting still and counting your breath – in 1, out 2, in 3, out 4 – up to 20. Or you can use words like ‘relax’ as you breathe in and ‘now’ as you exhale; just repeating those words to yourself, noticing your breath going all the way down into your belly and out. You can even do that with your eyes open if you have to. I have literally used this exercise in situations that needed calming down while looking directly at people, and it’s powerful to notice that by relaxing you have an effect on the people around you. Making this connection with yourself at the beginning of the day is magical and it’s something that I wish every person in the world would do. When it’s possible, repeat the exercise later in the day too. I can almost guarantee you that once you introduce mindful meditation into your day it will become a habit you will want to keep for life and you will probably wonder just the way I have, why you didn’t introduce it sooner!

My husband isn’t happy about me spending so much time with my new choir, but I love singing so much – it makes me feel happy and alive. What should I do?

I hear this situation a lot from my clients, when a partner or family member is bothered by them spending a lot of time on their hobby. Perhaps your husband doesn’t realize how much being in the choir means to you, so try to communicate this. Try to get him to see the advantages of you enjoying this hobby, such as you being happier and having more energy and therefore being a nicer person to live with.

One of the most beautiful things we can do for another person is to allow them to be who they are and allow them space to grow and evolve. It seems difficult to understand why someone would deny a person the happiness of doing what they love, so try to find out what’s at the root of your husband’s concerns. It could be that he feels he doesn’t see you enough. If so, perhaps you can find a balance that works for both of you. Perhaps you can find a compromise where you can still practise your singing but be home more. Or is there a way you can involve your husband in your hobby?

Sometimes loved ones might worry about us branching out because of the people we might meet and the separate life we will have, and this may trigger an insecurity within them. In this case it helps to reassure the other person – although their insecurity is something that person needs to heal themselves, you can still be sensitive to it. If your husband doesn’t have a change of heart, consider the consequences of continuing with your hobby and what you are willing to risk in order to pursue it. Writing down the pros and cons of attending the choir may help, then you can weigh everything up and work out what needs to happen.

There is also the possibility that this problem is the symptom of a bigger underlying issue that needs clearing up and working on so that there is room for both of you to be who you truly are.

Remember this …

When you take the time to nurture yourself, it’s a long-term investment you will not regret. even nurturing a talent or passion that may never become more than that, may be exactly what needs to happen to spark something within and lead you toward the right path and the true you.

When you open up to noticing all the possibilities within and around you, blockages disappear and fear is replaced with excitement and curiosity.

Meditating for just five minutes a day can make a huge difference and you will find clarity and focus where before you felt confused and overwhelmed.

‘I make healthy choices for my
body and mind so i can be the
best version of myself.’

‘I make nurturing my talents
and myself a priority and I always
find time for it.’

‘I decide where i direct my energy
and i have the power to redirect it
at any time.’