‘Come on, Ash. It’ll be fun,’ Iain cajoled, as he burned another hole in the ozone layer with a combo of hairspray and deodorant. For some reason Ash had yet to fathom, Iain felt the need to fumigate himself after a shower. He’d spent the day cuddling and playing find-the-spoon with two girls he’d picked up the previous night, while the rest of them stewed in their individual miseries and Xane rampaged up and down the bus knocking holes into walls and skulls. He’d screwed things up with Dani and he was making sure they all knew about it. No one had even asked Ash where Ginny had got to. Mind you, that was maybe because none of them had wanted to get too close; he’d spent much of the journey into Sweden spewing his guts up into an assortment of receptacles. He’d stopped now, and managed to force down a couple of dry crackers that Spook insisted were the best thing, but he still felt like crud.
Entertaining women was the last thing he wanted to contemplate. Going to pick up women for sex sat even further down his list of fun things to do. Hell, he wasn’t even sure why he was occupying the same space as Iain, other than out of some perverse need to make himself feel even worse than he already did. ‘I really don’t feel like it.’
‘That’s the best reason to do it. Wash the memories away. Start being you again.’
Ash didn’t ask what that was supposed to mean. He had a suspicion he knew, and didn’t like what Iain was implying: that he’d somehow not been in his right mind since the tour began, because he’d been so busy mooning over Ginny. That he was some sort of international playboy and ought to get back to that. Except why would anyone choose to go back to banging away for hours on end for zero reward other than for the express purpose of punishing themselves? And why should he punish himself, when all he’d done was fall for another woman who wasn’t prepared to give him her heart in exchange for his?
God, he’d tried to be so careful with Ginny. He’d known all along that having her round the band and his friends would result in disaster. He ought to have stuck with his guts.
Iain grabbed Ash by the wrists and hauled him onto his feet. The moment he let go, Ash sat again. His friend sighed and went back to preening. ‘She’s not worth it, mate. I know you were hot for her, but you’re better off out of that one. You saw what she was like. She was fucking all over me.’
‘So you’ve said.’ And so he’d seen, though he still didn’t understand why Ginny hadn’t said anything. She’d not even put up a fight when he’d dismissed her.
‘Hit me if you want. I understand if you’re pissed at me.’ If Iain volunteered as a punchbag one more time, he might actually do it just to silence him.
‘I thought she was the one, Iain.’
‘You always do. Seriously, Ash, bedding a girl more than twice doesn’t automatically turn her into your ideal life partner. I’m not sure there’s even such a thing. Do you really want to tie yourself to the same woman for ever? If you’re going to give your heart and soul to something, you’re better off dedicating your efforts to a long-term affair with your guitar. It’ll bring more satisfaction.’
That was probably true. At least his guitar was reliable, and it didn’t make out with other blokes behind his back.
‘Have you thought any more about what I proposed last night?’
It took Ash a good minute to remember what Iain was talking about.
‘I can show you the lyrics I’ve got, if it’ll help sway you.’
‘I don’t know, Iain.’ He’d been dubious about the whole concept last night, but hadn’t wanted to get into a long-winded conversation about it. It’s why he’d followed Ginny’s cue and trotted off on the pretext of taking a pee. ‘I’m really not sure taking on a side project is what I need right now. Black Halo needs my full attention.’
Iain put the hairspray canister down with a thump. ‘So you can hold it together with rubber bands. Oh, don’t glare at me, I’ve been stuck on this bus long enough to see what’s what. You all barely get along thanks to Xane and his constant drama. The man’s a dick, with an ego the size of Brazil, and if it’s not constantly being stroked, he rages like a lunatic and picks on people.’
‘That’s not true.’
Iain turned to face him, his head shaking, though his lacquered hair failed to move an inch. ‘Ash, there’s a six-man security team babysitting him at the moment, because he’s threatening to run off hours before a sell-out show. That’s not reasonable behaviour.’
‘He wants to find Dani.’
‘I want a holiday in the Bahamas and a date with the chick from the movie we watched last week, but I don’t let my personal goals compromise my friends’ futures. If you all had any sense you’d sit him down and give him a few ultimatums.’
At least Xane believed that if he found Dani he could sort everything out. Even if Ginny reappeared, Ash wasn’t sure he wanted to see her, or if there was anything to salvage. And Iain’s analogies weren’t accurate. Love couldn’t be compared to a holiday or lust. There wasn’t anything like it. He kind of wished he knew how to help Xane. He might have been able to, if he hadn’t taken the potato masher to his phone and then vomited over it for good measure. In any case, he didn’t know for sure that Dani was with Ginny, only that they were friends and maybe in contact.
‘Ash, I’m serious, are you listening? You need to deal with the guy before he ruins you all. You know, if I’d known what a prat he was when you asked me to join this tour, I doubt I’d have come along.’
‘Shut the fuck up, Iain. You did know. You’ve mouthed off about it plenty of times before. What? Did you think I hadn’t seen those interviews? Sally has alerts set up. We know everything anybody says about us, whether we like it or not. And, for the record, giving Xane ultimatums is a stupid idea. He’s the only member of this band that’s irreplaceable. The rest of us are nothing without him. He is the fucking band.’
‘Only because you let it be that way. It doesn’t have to be. Look at yourself. You’re wasted lurking in his shadow.’
Ash rose from his seat on the edge of the bed. ‘I don’t need to hear this. Not now.’ Not ever, in fact. A few months ago, back before things nearly went belly-up the first time and Steve died, maybe. Then he’d probably have agreed with at least half of what Iain had to say, but not now. Things had changed. The shift had been subtle but it was real. They were no longer poised on a razor edge. They needed each other, and he knew if he reached out the guys would be there for him.
‘Where are you going?’ Iain demanded, as Ash made for the door.
‘To swallow some dioralyte and a fuckload of fruit juice so I can give the punters the show they deserve. That all right with you?’
‘There’s no need to be snarly.’
‘Yeah.’ Except there was. There was every reason to be snarly. Ash gritted his teeth until he reached the kitchen area, then he head-butted the front of the fridge a few times, before mixing himself a cocktail of fruit and dehydration meds. If fucking Iain hadn’t tried to fucking fuck his girlfriend, he wouldn’t feel like hell right now.
Spook stopped him damaging himself by curling his fingers around Ash’s shoulder. He didn’t say anything, for which Ash was grateful, because he didn’t want to explain himself. They sat down at the table facing one another as Ash sipped his medicine.
‘Do you ever want to leave?’ Ash asked after a little while, his gaze focused on the world outside the steamed-up window. ‘Just walk out the door and keep on walking until you’re far, far away and there’s nothing familiar that matters any more?’
Spook clasped Ash’s fist where it lay against the table. ‘Ash, I’ve been running for years. I started running when I left Sweden, you know. I hate every minute when I’m forced to come back.’
‘Yet the rest of the time you’re so nostalgic about the place.’
‘Yeah, well, that’s me, a mass of contradictions. Now tell me about you. What’s going on?’
Ash reclaimed his hand from Spook’s hold, and shoved it into his hair. ‘Like you don’t already know.’ An awkward smile creased his face. ‘She called you, didn’t she?’
Spook sat there waiting, silent, his expression stripped of everything but empathy. Ash thought it would be the easiest thing in the world to get up and walk away. It wasn’t as if he wanted to discuss what had happened. It’d been bad enough having to rehash it with Iain as he simultaneously apologised and dug a bigger hole for Ginny to fall into. He had no reason to doubt Iain’s sincerity, but the whole situation seemed lodged like a pellet in his throat that he could neither cough up nor swallow.
‘I don’t really want to do this now. I feel like shit and I have to get through an hour and forty minutes of playing riffs that are going to shred my nerves.’
‘Then just tell me who.’
‘Iain,’ he croaked, just as the other man emerged from the bedroom.
‘We all set, guys?’
‘As set as I’ll ever be.’ Ash rose to follow Iain off the bus.
Spook caught his arm as he stepped past him. He peered up at Ash with his blond eyebrows raised. ‘Did what?’
‘He had his hand in her knickers and they were snogging.’
Spook pushed himself upright too, and leaned close enough to make their conversation private, though Iain had already left the bus. ‘Why haven’t you decked him yet, or better still, fired him?’
‘It wasn’t his fault, Spook. She lied. And we need a drummer. He might not be the best choice, but he’s the only one we’ve got.’
‘Yeah, but he still deserves a kicking.’