“Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you.”
I love to hang out in idea land. It’s a wonderful place with no limits. I float from idea to idea, accelerating from reality to places of unlimited possibility where things like mindsets and budgets and rules don’t apply. As one idea comes up, it is followed by more ideas with more frequency and at a quicker pace. Picture me on a race track where around and around I go generating ideas on top of ideas, accelerating with each lap, but not actually going anywhere. Ask me to bring an idea to fruition and my tires blow out.
I’m sitting in a meeting with several community leaders, and a young professional’s organization is presenting several new ideas they have for both growing their group and attracting young professionals to our city. Each new idea energizes me and I nod my head with excitement. That’s a great idea, I think to myself. Huh. So is that idea. Oooh, I love that concept. And that one too. Give me more. Yes, yes…Yes!
This is what I call the possibility-gasm™. New ideas spark the possibility circuit in the brain, and suddenly I am running off into a utopian future with unicorns and world peace. If you are like me, your head is always swimming with new ideas. “It doesn’t have to be that way” is how it all starts. If not this way, then what way? Each new idea associated with a current problem brings about the possibility of solving it. Because it feels amazing to be in the possibility-gasm™, new ideas are intensely attractive.
There is a spectrum, right? All brakes means saying no to everything, while all accelerator means saying yes to everything. Both extremes can be troublesome. For people who think differently, we gravitate towards the all accelerator side. It can backfire by saddling you with no time, no focus, and no impact. Think gerbil wheel.
For example, I really struggled with saying yes to all the ideas that came my way. I could always see the benefits and rarely cared about the risks. When my two children were still in diapers and I was working full-time, I chose to get an MBA in night school. An MBA was an idea that was bursting with opportunities for me to climb the corporate ladder, launch a new business or some other world dominating theme. I also chose to be the sole caretaker for my ill grandmother, because the idea of nurturing and caring for her filled my heart with love, connection and honor. Lastly, I said yes to projects at work that included traveling, since I would learn so much, gain valuable expertise and build up my resume.
Unsurprisingly, I retained very little in MBA School. I resented my family for not helping me with my grandma. I resented my husband for not helping more with the kids. I was not present for anyone. I was exhausted, stressed and eventually developed walking pneumonia. In short, I fell on my face.
Perhaps a natural course correction would be to say no. To everything. I have a client who chose this approach. When he came to see me, he couldn’t take on any new ideas because he was waiting for his partner to join in with him. He passed up all sorts of opportunities saying that he needed his partner to be ready too. He was full of resentment; frustrated and insecure. By saying no to everything, his fears seemed to expand in both frequency and intensity. Not only did he blame his partner for not wanting to take on new adventures, but he was unsure if he even knew where to start if he embarked on them alone.
The common theme for both approaches is that all yes and all no can end in misery. A good way to move towards the middle of the spectrum is to make an agreement with yourself not to commit to an answer impulsively. By then, the effects of the possibility-gasm™ will have worn off.
A powerful distinction that can be made is which self is energized by new ideas. There is the ego, which is looking for power, control and status. The ego loves to think of how people will perceive us if a new idea can be carried out. For example, I have a client who wants to write a book. When I asked how being a published author would impact her life, she responded with the fact that she can tell people she is a published author. That sounds like the ego talking. “I’ll take some status with a side of bragging rights, please.”
I have another client who was stuck in an industry where he felt he couldn’t escape. Each idea he threw on the table was met with intense excitement. When we would dig a little further, he seemed to be dependent upon how others would see him if he succeeded with the idea, like his Board would start taking him seriously, he could break into a different industry or he could build up his status and reputation in the community. Every idea had him at the center. As a result, he was never able to implement his ideas. The catch with the ego is that it hates challenge and change. The ego wants him safe, which means thinking, behaving and feeling the same. New ideas may be alluring to the ego, but it’ll be hard to keep up the required momentum and bring them to fruition.
The authentic self is also energized by new ideas, but it’s from an impact mindset. The possibility of ending suffering in some form for others is the goal. The authentic self gets fired up about how new ideas can serve others, not ourselves. If my client wanted to write a book because she wants to open up the dialogue around a difficult subject, offer hope to those who have lost it and empower people to make better choices, then that sounds more like it’s coming from the authentic self. Coming from one’s authentic place requires some bravery, to not be afraid of ourselves. We’re used to living in our own little nests that feel safe to us.
One of my clients decided she wanted to create a culture steeped in personal growth and development. She wanted her entire team to feel empowered and become better versions of themselves. Her focus was squarely set on her team, not herself, and she was able to stay motivated and inspired. Each hurdle was met with a drive to get around it so she could get back to the business of making her team better. The results are that the business doubled in less than a year. The team had taken on more leadership roles within the organization, freeing her up to do the high-level work and take an unplugged vacation (her first ever). Her favorite story is of the team wallflower who volunteered to take on a leadership role to train her group on a new software package, which amazed her coworkers and supervisor.
When I can distinguish between which self is excited about a new idea, it helps me to say no. When I allow my authentic self to lead the way, I find that I am more in alignment and have sustainable energy. For many of us who don’t think like everyone else in the room, we can easily burn out by following ALL the ideas. Additionally, too many ideas can lead to poor follow through. I can honestly say that I have the best intentions when I agree to something, but I’ve lost count of the times that I haven’t followed through. Either I forget, run out of time or lose motivation. Then I beat myself up for not being able to finish what I’ve started. Now, I only take on projects that excite my authentic self and let the rest go.
Let me also share that my authentic self gets enthusiastic about a lot of ideas too, so distinguishing which self is charged up isn’t always enough. There are loads of problems in the world and multiple solutions to each one. When a new idea gets thrown on the table, I can get lost in the possibility-gasm™. In the afterglow, my energy falls when I realize the difficulties of actually carrying out the idea, and I feel drained. The details of the idea feel like a wet blanket on a roaring fire.
My different thinking tends to be at the 30,000 foot level. I love it up here because I don’t have to actually figure out how to achieve the goal. Instead, I can stay in my high energy zone of possibility and imagine a world where middle school doesn’t have to suck, where large corporations care more for their people than their bottom line and where we can have discussions about difficult subjects without our judgments getting in the way. It’s friggin awesome up here.
This is where visionaries live. It is easier not to deal with the details. Details prevent creativity and brainstorming. Don’t kill my buzz, dude. However, an idea that never gets implemented is just a dream. If I can’t get an idea to the strategy phase, then it cannot help others, be of service, or have impact. Great ideas shouldn’t have to tolerate being put on the shelf.
When we are all energized during a good brainstorming session, we may be imagining what it’d look like to carry out these ideas. Dopamine is a brain chemical that is released as a result of anticipating something good to come, like the possibility that accompanies an idea. If you are brainstorming with others, then some oxytocin may get released as a result of bonding with each other. This is all to say that the high is real and delicious. The catch is we mustn’t overlook coming back down to earth and getting to work.
Because I am on an unending quest to know myself better, I sought out an Enneagram consultant who came highly recommended by several colleagues. He sent me a questionnaire with one of the questions being what job would be a total nightmare for me? The answer is obvious: project manager; laying out a plan, filling in all the details, sequencing them so they happen in the proper order, prioritizing items. YUCK! This exercise highlighted my need to have a detail person on my team. A yin to my yang; someone on the ground so I can stay soaring at 30,000 feet. If you’ve worked with coaches or self-development junkies, then you already know we love to use assessments. For me to find a complementary teammate, there are several that can be used, like Kolbe, Meyers-Briggs, StrengthsFinder and Enneagram. While I won’t put all my faith in any single assessment, I plan to use them as confirmation for what I think I already know.
By pairing myself with a details person, I can exercise my greatest strength, which is to think differently than everyone else in the room. Being a visionary is a great thing. I no longer have to beat myself up for not being good at scheduling, prioritizing or planning. Instead, I can surround myself with people who can help in the areas where I am not robust so we are all working in our areas of strength. It’s seems to me like a better use of my energy to get better at the things I am already naturally good at rather than try to shore up weaknesses.
As I surround myself with people whose strengths balance out my “weaknesses”, I find that I am so much more efficient. I can cruise between 30,000 feet and sea level easily. I can check myself with people who are not different thinkers to make sure I’m not missing something. I can request feedback from the people around me to make sure I am behaving well. Asking for help from people who enjoy the kinds of things I don’t is a win-win.
I used to be concerned about asking for help, because I assumed if someone agreed to help me that they secretly didn’t want to and would later resent me. Talk about projection! I have spent so much of my life resenting others for not reading my mind. Go figure. I used to say yes because I wanted people to like me, only to get in over my head doing work I didn’t like and resent them for all of it. It’s as though I had no other choice than to say yes. Once I started saying no to things I didn’t want to do, the resentment mysteriously vanished. (Insert smirk here.) Once the resentment disappeared, it was much easier to ask for help and remain unattached to the answer.
One of the main benefits of learning and accepting who I am is to align myself. I like to think of Aesop’s fable about a man and his son bringing their donkey to the town market. The man is walking to town with his son and donkey, and a passerby laughs at him and asks why he would force his son to walk when he has a perfectly good donkey to carry him. So the man puts his son on the donkey and they continue their trek to town.
Another passerby laughs at him and says how rude of the son to let his father walk when the boy is young and strong. So the man puts his son on the ground and climbs on the donkey himself. And off they go to town.
A third passerby laughs at him and says how cruel of you to ride while your son trudges along. So the man lifts up his son and they both ride the donkey.
As they approach town, some people cluck at him saying how unkind he is to put so much weight on the poor donkey. So the man and the son get off the donkey, grab a pole and tie the donkey’s feet to it so they can carry the donkey into town. As they are crossing the bridge, the donkey kicks a foot loose causing the boy to drop his end and the donkey falls off the bridge and drowns in the river below. The moral of the story: Please all, and you will please none.
One decision that I struggle with every three years is whether or not to run for my elected position on our local School Board. I began 7 years ago as an angry parent, but quickly experienced the amazing impact I could have on our students, employees and community. I was hooked after my first year. However, it is a big-time strain and I am not compensated well, financially or otherwise. In fact, I’ve been sworn at, protested against and even had to walk through an angry mob once. As my term is coming up at the end of this year, I am pondering how this aligns with who I assume I am and who I really am in the world. I have a vested interest in our district, because I have two children who attend it. It’s fulfilling to have a positive impact and improve the lives of others. On the other hand, there are others who can serve and it takes up so much of my time, which is hard on my family, my business and myself. As you can see, alignment is not always obvious and I will have to use my head, heart and gut as I move towards a final decision. I will keep in mind that if I aim to please all, then I please none.
The fable reminds me that pleasing others isn’t valuable. The name of the game is serving others. With this in mind, I need to be absolutely clear on what ideas will serve others AND align with who I am. Sure, I want to save puppies, end war, eliminate child abuse and ensure every adult is literate. By checking in with my authentic self, I can make a wise choice. Because, believe me, I will take on all the causes of the world to live in the possibility-gasm™ but then never actually accomplish anything. By tapping the brakes, I can go farther with more energy in my reserve tank.
When I began coaching, I was really good at pleasing my clients. I wanted them to like me, believing trust would come from them being fond of me as a person. When I found a master coach to work with me, I quickly discovered that this coach was serving me powerfully and couldn’t give one darn whether or not I liked him. He would say things that made me cringe. He would interrupt me in the middle of my sentences. He would challenge my assumptions. He’d ask me direct questions then corral me as I tried to avoid giving a straight answer. While I didn’t always like him, I respected the heck out of him. I have experienced more growth with this coach than anyone else in my life. By serving me, he was helping me become my most powerful self. He could “see” who I am and he called it out of me, even if it risked me getting mad, swearing at him, or speaking unkindly about him behind his back.
As I started to dive into the world of serving over pleasing, I am still surprised how hard it is to do. How can I tell my client it’s obvious he isn’t paying attention and ask him to do so? How can I tell a client that her biggest block is from her need to judge others in order to feel better about herself? How can I interrupt a client and redirect her to answer the question instead of avoiding, over-explaining, or justifying? When I do these things, I am incredibly uncomfortable but I know that my purpose is to serve others not indulge or appease them. It helps that I make an agreement with my clients to that affect so they aren’t caught off guard, but it’s still tough.
When I serve instead of please, my clients actually thank me. While they may not like to be questioned, challenged, or given feedback, they feel understood and seen. Many remark they actually feel relieved when I call them out. They say that they needed someone to shine a light on their blind spot, because they didn’t know what it was. They say that my compassionate truth telling shifted their perspective and their entire world changed as a consequence. They say that while it can feel like a slap in the face, it forced them to see something that caused a breakthrough. With these results, not being liked seems like a small price to pay.