“Here’s to the crazy ones — the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things.”
I learned at a young age that I had to think like everyone else if I wanted to fit in. There was safety in the herd. Even though I didn’t always agree with people, I didn’t share my thoughts for fear of being caste out or thrown off the island. I assumed my different thinking was a liability that I needed to hide. I was able to hide it for about 30 years, so I really believed in my assumption. I now know that my different thinking is a gift and asset. When I started using it, I had impact, I changed people’s lives, and I became unstoppable. This thing that I lugged around in secret was actually my greatest strength.
Because I could hide my different thinking, I was able to survive high school being a member of the popular group. I was a social chameleon who could fit in anywhere with almost anyone. It was a huge source of pride for me. I got asked to all the dances. I was invited to parties on the weekends. I spent very little time at home because my social calendar was always full. To be clear, I never shared how I thought with my peers. I told myself that I was wrongheaded and just go along with the group. I denied my own values and integrity. The internal conflict was intense and constant.
My hiding carried over into my schoolwork and eventually my career. In classes where there was more than one answer, I really struggled. I typically did not come to the same conclusions as my classmates in subjects like English and Social Studies. My teachers mostly reinforced my beliefs that my different thinking was not valued, so I felt validated in keeping my thoughts to myself. I experienced an epiphany in Math and Science though. In these subjects, I could get the same answer as everyone else. At the time, this gave me a roadmap for my future. Go into engineering young woman, for you will find your place amongst your people.
Off to my engineering gig I went each day, and I would return home exhausted, frustrated, and confused. Nothing felt very fulfilling, and I was constantly wondering why the systems and processes were set up in a way that didn’t treat people very well. Interestingly, I cared very little about the technical problems and found myself naturally drawn to people problems. Dare I speak up and advocate for something better? Dare I expose my thoughts for improvement? Dare I buck the system and risk being noticed as an outsider? Until a few years ago, the answer was always a resounding no.
My first job out of college was working in the oil field. After my 6 months of training in the field, I was placed in Louisiana. As a female, engineer from Chicago, I didn’t exactly fit in. I was in the field with the operators, and they had no interest in having to deal with a Yankee, women engineer. I made it my personal goal to win them over. They played all sorts of tricks on me, like driving really fast so they lost me on the way to our work sites or putting pebbles in my hubcaps so that everyone would laugh when I drove up. I took all in good jest and chalked it up to harmless hazing. It never occurred to me that I was tolerating bad behavior. I never considered that I was being humiliated for their pleasure. I never spoke up. I just kept showing up and fighting to fit in, which I did eventually. Of course, I had to change who I was to do it, but, hey, if fitting in was the goal then I achieved it.
At the same time, I greatly admired people who would speak up. I wished I could be more like them. One of the things that my children have done for me is to challenge my fears. When they started school, I got involved and did my regular fitting in routine. I didn’t make waves, just played my “win them over” act. When our son was in 2nd grade, we witnessed some terrible behaviors from his teacher. Even thought I had spent my entire life never speaking up for myself, I was able to do it for our son. Most parents and other teachers said they didn’t feel like the behavior was all that bad, but I didn’t care and certainly didn’t agree with what they thought. I found the courage to bring it to her attention, and then the attention of the principal. In short, I made a big stink. Some people distanced themselves from me as a result. Some teachers stopped talking with me. The principal placated me, but he also let this teacher’s behavior continue. It was a painful time for our family. Here’s the thing. Every once in a while, another parent would pull me aside and thank me for saying something. They felt as I did but didn’t know how to handle it. Because I shared my thoughts on how things could be better, other people benefitted. And there is the power. Because I don’t see the world the way most people do, I can offer a different perspective that can result in better and more innovative solutions.
Because I was highly dissatisfied with the way our public education system was operating, I decided to run for school board. This forced me to throw my different thinking out into the community and allow people to judge me publicly. There is an inflection point that occurs when you decide to stop complaining and do something. If you don’t like something, then get a seat at the table, take action and be significant. I ran for election. I participated in debates. I was interviewed by local newspapers, the morning radio show, and businesses. It was the first time in my life that I was acknowledged and rewarded for my different thinking. I won the election and received the most votes, even more than the incumbent. This was a new epiphany. Perhaps my different thinking wasn’t such a liability after all.
A great way to shift how we think is to challenge each other. When I say challenge, I don’t mean fight or argue or debate. I mean getting curious about something and ask questions in an effort to understand better. If we are all thinking the same way, then we may not have opportunities to have our thinking challenged. What I now know is that challenging underlying beliefs and assumptions shifts mindsets and unlocks potential.
When I ask my clients a really powerful question, my favorite response is silence. When they have to stop their urge to provide an answer without thoughtful reflection, I know I have engaged their higher level thinking. You can almost see the shift in their perception occurring real-time, like two tectonic plates slowly moving into a new position. As a result, my clients will come back and share with me how different the world seems to them since their discovery. They report feeling lighter and empowered and confident and hopeful and excited. I think that’s what unlocking potential feels like.
I had two powerful conversations with a potential client named Bob, a 45 year old who owned his own small business and had two young children. He described to me how exhausted and frantic he felt. He had loads of internal conflict, and the voices in his head were constantly chirping at him to be better, help everyone, and never let ‘em see you sweat. A visual of a one-armed paper hanger comes to mind. After just one conversation, he had a total shift in his thinking. Bob realized he had created a box for himself. We addressed his fears of leaving the box, and agreed to talk again in a few weeks. When we met, Bob reported feeling totally different. He said his personal and professional relationships all improved as a result of the shift in his mindset. He also permitted himself to challenge the voices that had him hustling all the time. He slowed down. He listened to his body. He unlocked a potential that he hadn’t been actively seeking, which was to deepen his connections with the people he loved.
By moving someone’s mindset just a small amount, they can see the world differently. We all have psychological barriers that hold us back. The beauty of not thinking like everyone else in the room is that offering a new idea can motivate others to challenge how they think about things. We know that challenging our own thoughts leads to a higher evolution of thinking. If we can all evolve our own thinking and facilitate it for our fellow humans, we can all stand to find more peace, joy, and purpose in our lives.
I worked in and with big corporations for 20 years. I hid my different thinking so I could fit in, but deep inside I knew that I didn’t agree with most of the corporate practices, behaviors, and policies that I witnessed. When I was elected to the school board, I again found myself wondering what the heck was going on around here. I didn’t see a concerted effort to challenge the status quo. There was resistance to change the system. The board itself was dysfunctional, and we were unable to work well together. Over the course of 7 years, I shared what I thought was possible. I exposed my different thinking. When everyone was looking left, I asked them to look right. Over 7 years, our board and school district have witnessed big changes for the better. In our quest to challenge the status quo, we inspired unlikely candidates to run for the board and become part of our band of misfits. I’ve learned that the cost of being chastised and unloved is worth it, because other people will pop up and join your cause.
I have a client who is currently working in a large corporation. He is unfulfilled and fatigued most of the time. He thinks his company treats its employees poorly, and he is constantly standing up for his team and protecting them from the system. During one of our sessions, he shared that he would love to leave his corporate job but worried about who would stand up for his people in his stead. I asked him if he thought they could stand up for themselves because he had inspired them to do so. He responded with multiple stories of how previous members of his teams had moved on and became advocates for themselves. He actually sat up taller and prouder as he thought about how he had inspired others to say no to unacceptable requests and create boundaries for themselves.
When we witness a person speaking for what they believe, it’s hard to deny that it is a captivating experience. As I watch some of my clients, who are mostly people like me, I am in awe of how they command attention and action when they speak about how they see things. It does motivate me to do the same, especially when I am afraid of what others will think of me and perhaps decide they don’t like me or my ideas. My possibility-gasm gets all revved up at the thought of a world where people are free and safe to share what they think.
When I decided to stop hiding the way I think, something really interesting happened. I discovered that my curiosity was able to come out and play. The first thing that happened was my relationships started to improve. The ones that were already good became more intimate. The ones that weren’t so good became easier and less stressful. The ones that were toxic, I terminated. I was able to get away from exploring how I was somehow contributing to others’ behaviors and instead, I observed them just behaving. I no longer took things personally. I recognized and embraced letting go of their reactions. I honored them by allowing them to behave however they liked without the need to judge them for it. It felt liberating and blissful.
Meet Ann, a 28-year-old client, who is an entrepreneur and small business owner. She struggles with her stepparent. It’s the typical Cinderella story where the stepparent is threatened by the stepchild and excludes her from the inner circle of the family. She described in great detail how her stepparent repeatedly denied Ann from belonging to her family. My client was always kept on the outside and was allowed in only when the stepparent okayed it. It was, and still is, a painful experience for Ann. When she spends time with the family, she has to be vigilant to protect herself so she doesn’t get hurt. Obviously, she just wants to be herself and quit the exhausting game of putting up walls when she’s with them.
We decided to pick apart one example of a hurtful thing the stepparent had done. When Ann shared the harsh statement her stepparent had said to her, I asked Ann what she thought the stepparent was really trying to say. Ann got quiet. She stared at me, almost in disbelief. She replied that her stepparent obviously hated her. I got more curious. What was going on with the stepparent that she was saying a hurtful thing? Can we dig under the surface and find the nugget of truth? What if the comment had nothing to do with my client? I knew I had engaged a higher level of thinking when Ann said nothing.
By asking Ann to step back and look at it from the outside, she was able to give me an answer. It turned out that the stepparent saw Ann as a threat to the financial stability of the family. If you think you are running out of money, then you lash out at anyone who may want to put their hands in the coffers. Instead of seeing this as an attack on Ann, it was an attack based on a fear, like a dog barking at the mailman. The mailman doesn’t take the dog barking personally and wonders if he is a bad person. Instead, he recognizes that the dog is feeling threatened and he simply walks away. Ann’s assumption about the stepparent’s comment shifted. She didn’t suddenly feel all lovey dovey for her stepparent, but she was able to find a way to better understand where the comment originated, which had very little to do with Ann. By trying to understand why a person might act a certain way, she was able to decouple her own worthiness from any comments her stepparent might make.
Imagine being able to allow other people to say and do things and not have it mean anything about you. Possibility-gasm™! If you don’t think like everyone else, then you can focus on different things too. When you can ponder different possibilities for the true purpose of behaviors and actions, you can extract yourself from the crazy-making that happens sometimes when humans say mean things to each other.
We have all experienced growth and learning as a result of overcoming a fear or obstacle. If you are not like everybody else, then there have probably been times in your life where you felt like you didn’t belong or were on the outside. Being different can be daunting and difficult.
Out of difficulties grow miracles.
I’m not sure about the miracles part, but I do know that I have had the most intense learning when I am in struggle. I wish it weren’t so, but I learned not to touch the hot stove by experiencing the burn of touching a hot stove. I chalk it up to human nature. We need to do, experience and try things for ourselves. If I want to learn and grow, then I’d better get comfortable with discomfort.
For me, my different thinking caused me discomfort which is why I avoided and hid it. I didn’t see the payoff of being uncomfortable. What I’ve learned is that I had to face my fears, take risks, and make mistakes to become a better version of myself. I had to do the thing that I had spent my life running from: risk not fitting in. When I did it, it felt yucky, scary and edgy. When I did it repeatedly, the bad feelings became less intense and I found other likeminded individuals who supported me. It was such a glorious discovery that I soon looked forward to the discomfort that led to growth. No, I’m not a sadist who enjoys being uncomfortable, but I have stopped running from the discomfort and allowed it to wash over me like a cold shower in the winter time. Yes, it feels terrible and awful, yet I do it because I know that there is something delightful on the other side. Just like when your parent released their grip from the bicycle that first time, there was a moment of sheer terror immediately followed by a sense of exhilaration as you peddled your way down the sidewalk by yourself.
Middle school has not been good to our family. Both of our children experienced some incredibly painful experiences there. Our daughter, who is compassionate, kind and gentle, was being eaten alive by her peers. She tried to fit in but never could find solid footing. She was repeatedly kicked out of groups, which happens to everyone, but she took it really hard. She would go into a deep hole and found it nearly impossible to get out of it. In the 8th grade, our daughter was once again excommunicated from a group of girls. Don’t even get me started on the role social media has played in magnifying these experiences. She began to implode. We tried to reason with her, give her coping strategies and had her makes plans for how to get through it. Alas, one day, after a particularly terrible day, she looked at me and asked why she had to keep going back to that mean building. Talk about different thinking! It was a powerful question that shifted our mindset.
We came to the realization that she didn’t have to go back there. With all the possibilities for education in the 21st century, she had choices that may suit her better. She chose online schooling, and she changed overnight. No more dread. No more anxiety. No more trying to fit in. Instant relief. For her. For me, I crashed into the deep, dark hole. I couldn’t sleep. I lost my appetite. I felt like a failure as a parent. I was filled with worry. Were we running away? What if she never learned to make friends? How come other kids could do it and not her? While this was happening, I reminded myself that I needed to stay in the discomfort and not run from it. I liken it to forcing myself to sit in my own dirty diaper and refusing to change it. It is unbelievably uncomfortable. But I knew that I would probably learn something and gain some insight if I didn’t deny the discomfort.
What I learned is that my daughter is an incredible young lady. She advocated for her needs, and we listened. She started online schooling, and she is doing well. By listening to her, she felt safe to share her solutions with us and learned that we have her back. Our relationship also improved, an unspoken trust showed up to let us know we are in this together. We challenge each other’s thinking, and then we proceed with what feels like the right option. And if it doesn’t work, then we repeat the process. Not only are we modeling our intention to continuously learn and grow, we are showing our children that discomfort isn’t the enemy. It’s a part of life, and we can support each other when we are in it. Our children have entered the world knowing that their different thinking should never be hidden or seen as a liability. Instead, it is an asset that brings both discomfort and growth.