“Sometimes it’s not the people who change. It’s the mask that falls off.”
If I can accomplish just one thing in my life it would be to have everyone stop hiding who they are. We spend so much energy putting on a different face depending on who we surround ourselves with. Honestly, how much time and resources do we devote to preserving our reputations and tucking away our limitations where they can’t be seen? There are so many better and more deserving ways to realize and use our talents, skills or vision.
When we put our best selves on the outside regardless of how we are feeling on the inside, we are creating an internal conflict. When we are inauthentic, out of alignment and not in integrity, stress occurs. While stress can be an effective motivator, there is no question that too much stress can ruin our mental, spiritual and physical health.
After spending a good portion of my adult life hiding from who I was, I can attest to the deleterious effects of the stress on me, my family, my work and my wellness. I spent my life as an engineer for mostly the wrong reasons. The story begins in my childhood where I learned that I needed to think like everyone else in order to belong. My fear of abandonment was/is very strong, so it wasn’t safe for me to be different. The conflict of thinking differently from everyone else had to be hidden away. In math and science, I could get the same answers as everyone else, like 1+1 = 2 and E=mc2, which meant I could fit in, which meant I could belong, which meant I wouldn’t be abandoned. The theory was:
Get the same answer -> Be liked -> Fit in -> Belong ->
Never be abandoned
Which simplified into:
Get the same answer = Never be abandoned
Engineering offered me other things too, like status and a hefty salary. I could buy a beautiful home, drive nice cars, go on lovely vacations, you know the drill. Once again, I could get the same answer as everyone else, like the Joneses. It was all very logical and rational, except for the fact that I am a person who always wants to learn more about me and others as well. I thrive on connecting deeply with people. I had to ignore this gift. I had to push back my desire to have satisfying relationships. I had to douse my internal fire for intimacy with a tribe of likeminded individuals. So as long as I could dupe myself, the engineering gig could go on in perpetuity.
It only took me about 12 years of living this lie before I had made a complete mess of things. The way I look at it, when I pushed my me-ness down, the very core of me, it came out sideways. I became an insatiable people pleaser. I said yes to everything. I wasn’t getting the belonging I was desperate for in the engineering world, so I sought it elsewhere. I became the sole caretaker of my terminally ill grandparents. I became my mother’s go-to person for all problems, issues, and complaints. I took on all responsibility for my marriage, controlling every aspect of it. I spent countless hours doting on my children and ensuring they were taking advantage of the same opportunities as the kids I was reading about on my friend’s Facebook pages. So if I throw in a night school MBA program into the mix, you can easily forecast how I was heading for a resounding crash.
And crash I did. My marriage ran into the ditch. I resented my family for not helping me with my grandparents, which resulted in several estrangements with people I loved. I was an impatient and temperamental mother, so my children never felt fully secure. I became sick easily and seemed to catch every cold, flu and bug. I developed a troubling drinking habit as a coping mechanism. I was forced to look at myself when I developed pneumonia and could not recover. My body had been trying to tell me all along that I was not well. The stress was taking its toll, but I ignored it. It wasn’t until I went to the doctor and she remarked on my haggard appearance, thank you very much. After listening to my rattling lungs and asking how long I’d been suffering, she put a hand on my knee and kindly said, “You HAVE to slow down.” With tears streaming down my face, all I felt was fear and shame.
Stress was a signal that I was running from something. When forced to see the mess I’d made, the emotional discomfort was huge. My natural inclination would have been to get back to what I knew, which was to be busy and stay busy, no matter what. Busy is a great distraction. Busy prevents me from facing my feelings. Busy doesn’t ask me to reflect, to determine who I am, to change my behavior, thoughts or emotions. Busy has me running and doing and pretending I am important. Yet busy was the very thing that destroyed my relationships, my health and my ability to feel relaxed or peaceful.
We all know that our minds are physically attached to our bodies, so it shouldn’t be surprising when stress in one part affects the other. Our minds and bodies are amazing, and they can truly handle much more than we think. It’s the ongoing and unmitigated stresses that slowly break us down over time, like erosion. Hiding who I was caused internal conflict which caused continuous stress. Over time, that stress accumulated and I suffered greatly. When I stopped denying who I was, the suffering stopped too.
Since I stopped running from who I am, I’ve noticed a significant increase in my motivation, wellness, and peacefulness. When I had to hide my flaws, cover up my mistakes and keep up with the Joneses, I was depleted. When I get to showcase my strengths, live in alignment with who I am and make decisions based on what is important to me, I never seem to run out of energy. I like to call this my maximum operating capacity (MOC). Instead of dreading my day each morning, I get out of bed looking forward to that work I have planned. I giggle when I create mind-blowing proposals for my clients. I sometimes shake a little during a coaching session because there is a lot of energy surging through my body. There are times when I literally think my heart might just burst with how much I love my life. Being at MOC serves me better. It serves my family, my business and my community in a more desirable and valuable way.
Zappo’s, the shoe company, offers its employees a quitting bonus. I love this idea because it is grounded in the theory that you are no good to the company if you aren’t operating at your MOC. If you don’t thrive at Zappo’s then that is okay. They’ll pay you to leave so you can move on to find a place that suits you better. And they can find someone who does belong there. Just like at Zappo’s, if you are dreading your job, your next family get-together or your next meeting with your community organization, then you are of little service to them. If you aren’t at MOC, then recognize it is data for you to consider what isn’t working for you.
There is a simple yet powerful exercise that my coach, Rich Litvin, uses. It’s called an energy audit, where I identify the things in my life that drain me of energy and things that give me an energy boost. Below is an example.
| Energy Gain + | Energy Drain - |
| Spending time with my husband and chidlren | Talking about parenting with my mother in law |
| Walking my dog | Inputting expenses for my business |
| Having a great session with a client | Saying yes to something I don’t want to do |
Notice that the things that give me energy are experiences when I can be myself. On the energy drain side, I have to hide who I am or operate outside of my strengths zone to do those things. Because life isn’t all puppy dogs and rainbows, the goal of the energy audit isn’t to eliminate the things that drain our energy. Rather it is to minimize them and create ways to be at peace when you have to do them.
For instance, my mother-in-law has very deeply held beliefs that she wants me to value and accept as my own. Her beliefs work well for her but they don’t work well for me. We are at an impasse. Therefore, when we visit, I have to find ways to minimize the energy drain that it takes on me. I find that by setting clear boundaries for myself, I can bypass debates where neither of us gets what we want. As I practice keeping my boundaries, I have improved my confidence to be with my mother-in-law without being hurt by her comments and opinions. This, naturally, leads to a pathway for us to not just tolerate each other, but to get closer in other ways. While we may never agree on religion, child rearing and politics, I can still experience moments of joy when we are together. Energy drain minimized.
If you have to put on a mask to belong, then that seems like a terrible life sentence to me. Belonging based on who you are is much more powerful than fitting in because you know how to play the game. As a social chameleon who can expertly fit in anywhere, I found it painfully ironic that I never felt like I was a part of the group. In fact, I had a coach once remark at my ability to not just fit in, but to match the intelligence of the people I was around so I could get the same answer thereby avoiding abandonment. He coined the term “equi-telligence”. It wasn’t until put down my mask that I experienced a sense of belonging.
Many of my initial coaching conversations have been with people who describe themselves as burned out. They say they’re exhausted and sick of the work they do. They feel unfulfilled and dissatisfied. When we dive a little deeper, I discover that many of these folks have spent a lot of time and energy learning how to play the game, how to get things done and how to grease the skids for future work needs. In short, they figured how to bend and twist to fit into a system that doesn’t fulfill them.
I had several conversations with a potential client who had taken on a job that was outside of her comfort zone. She was ready for a challenge, and this opportunity seemed to emerge at just the right time. However, 6 months into this new gig, she was insecure, losing sleep and putting on weight at a rapid pace. As she worked harder and harder to fit in, she became more and more stressed. Her assumption was that she needed to be “like” everyone else to get her initiatives achieved. Instead of being herself, admitting to what she didn’t know and focusing on her strengths, she put on a professional mask each day to hide who she was and how she thought. It only served to make her job more difficult and her performance less effective. While we didn’t end up working together, I always hoped she would find a way to take off that mask. I suspect that if she did, she could have improved her ability to do her job and re-align herself with who she is in the world, not to mention recover her confidence and physical health.
We, humans, have an intense need for belonging that we can blame on our evolution. Our very survival depended on our ability to be part of a tribe. When we are part of a clan, crew or community, we experience deep and meaningful connections with others. If we can put down the masks we wear to fit in, then we can find the place in this world we are truly meant to be.
Not only did I develop all sorts of masks as a child, teen and young adult, but I found an irresistible one when I became a mother. When I had children, I became obsessed with how I was perceived. When I shopped and my children started crying or throwing a tantrum, I would leave lest someone think I’d lost control of my kids. When my kids played in puddles and got dirty, I was quick to clean them off lest someone think I was neglectful. When my kids had certain behavioral issues, I swiftly swept them under the rug lest someone think my kids picked up that behavior at home.
When my son was in elementary school, he was having a difficult day and had hit his limit. In a moment of emotional frustration and panic, he screamed out that he wanted to kill himself. Later that day, when I arrived at school to pick him up, several of his classmates ran up to me to tell me what had happened. After all, there is nothing like a 4th grader with juicy gossip. My first thought was how could he do such a thing? He was embarrassing me. When he emerged, he was visibly distraught. With my teeth clenched, I leaned down and told him to get himself together and go straight to the car. I still remember the hurt and betrayed look on his face. Just when he needed his mommy to scoop him into a hug and tell him he will be okay, I dismissed his needs and tried to shuttle him to a place where I could hide his embarrassing behavior. I was mortified at what the teachers would think. About me. I worried about what his classmates would tell their parents. About me. I wondered if the school counselor would call me to discuss his behavior. Notice how none of these concerns were focused on the well-being of my son. By focusing on what others would think of my mothering, I was ignoring the one person who made me a mother in the first place.
When I wore those masks, I put up walls in my relationships. My son learned that I didn’t have his back, which surely didn’t bring us closer. When I put down the masks and decided to do what was right for him, our relationship deepened. We became very close, and he eventually learned that he could trust me to be there for him no matter what. Once I accepted the kind of mother I wanted to be, I no longer needed the acceptance of teachers, other parents or counselors. After all, they didn’t know me or my son and what we needed. Their judgments no longer held any weight.
We really can be our own worst enemy. When we don’t honor who we are and what we are on this planet to do, we risk not fully experiencing life. It is darn near impossible to honor others if we can’t do it for ourselves. If we are more concerned with judging someone so we can file them in some preconceived category, i.e. know-it-all, bad mother, self-absorbed, then we aren’t open to experiencing other parts of them that may be of great joy or service to us. Haven’t you ever formed an opinion about a person and come to find out that you were way off base? Haven’t you ever thought of yourself in a certain way and found out you were wrong? The beauty in honoring who you are is that you can finally let go of all the “should-ing” on yourself, which is great because then you don’t “should” on others either. It’s incredibly freeing. If you “should” on yourself and others, I invite you to try going one week without using the word “should” and see what you discover.
I have a client who used judgment as a way to avoid connecting with others. Not surprisingly, she was quite a harsh judge of herself. She had been denying who she is for a long time. When she would share with me what really got her excited, it was clear that she knew who she was. As we would continue to move towards letting her true self shine, she would immediately become concerned with what other people would think. By not honoring herself, she wasn’t honoring others and was unable to move forward. When she began accepting herself and her mission in the world, she started to come out of her cave. She found others more enjoyable to be around. She found ways to like people she previously judged. She deepened her family relationships. Her business started to become attractive to the people who needed her work in the world. She definitely broke the cycle, experienced professional success and deepened her connection to others.
If you are unsure about who you are and unclear how to start that journey, then please understand there is no workbook, theoretical model or well defined means to get there. We all arrive at different points in our lives from different motivations using different tools and strategies. Just try something new. Lean into your discomfort. Challenge yourself. My hope is that we are always on a quest to learn more about ourselves so we can stop hiding. Let’s use our energy to create something incredible instead.