When it comes to love and relationships, I feel like I’m both the most and the least qualified person to talk on the topic. On the one hand, I’ve spent the past seventeen years in a blissful relationship with the man, the Pisces, who is undoubtedly the love of my life. And on the other, I haven’t been on a date since 1999 (yes, waaaay before there were apps for that). But then “dating” (based on my own limited experience, plus years spent observing my friends go at it) isn’t necessarily how you meet a partner anyway. Both times I’ve met the person I’ve wound up sharing my life with—once with somebody who literally made me feel like a ghost in my own body, and once in a way that has allowed me to express my true Self in ways I never could have imagined—I wasn’t actively looking for a relationship. Rather, it’s like we were magnetized to each other by an irresistible cosmic force.
Which, whoa there, is already getting way ahead of myself, since this chapter is supposed to be about self-love, right? About the relationship we all know is the most important one of all—your relationship with number one. After all, as Guru Meher Khalsa writes in his brilliant book on emotional healing, Senses of the Soul: “You live with yourself 24/7 for your entire life, so it’s time to work things out in that relationship.” And in no way do I want to imply that the goal of getting to a place of deep appreciation for your own sweet soul is snagging somebody who’s then going to somehow “complete” you.
I have actually never felt more “complete” than during the brief six-month period of singledom that came between mustering the courage to show the Capricorn the door (or rather walk swiftly out the door, slam it behind me, and never once look back), and falling down a velvet-lined rabbit hole of bliss into the arms of the Pisces. Complete, because it was a window in time when I got to be 100 percent, unapologetically, ME. Because all relationships, good and bad, require a compromise, a concession of the needs of the self, to accommodate the needs of an other.
Which is where the self-love piece comes in—which I have come to believe is about truly acknowledging what it is you need. Since in identifying your deepest desires at soul level (like, beyond your material desires for Celine shoes, or a partner who brings you breakfast in bed), and then seeking for them to be fulfilled, is another example, like doing your dharma, of you playing your unique role in weaving the fabric of the Universal oneness. Which, in turn, is how we experience a Universal kind of love and connectedness.
The cosmic magnet effect I mentioned? They also call it the law of attraction—and we all know by now that like attracts like, right? In which case it makes sense that when I was going around bursting with pride, absolutely in love with myself, for finally leaving the Capricorn, I magnetized in a person who expressed the same sense of unconditional appreciation for me. And who continues, to this day, to be my biggest cheerleader. Also, somebody whose steadfast energy and no-BS attitude has provided the anchor my headstrong yet vulnerable Aries-Sun-Cancer-Moon combo needs to feel safe to go out there and do my dharma.
Which again, I apologize, may suggest that attracting a partner is perhaps the end goal when it comes to cultivating self-love—which is not what I meant at all. Rather, I use my own situation to illustrate how attracting anything we truly desire, anything that answers our fundamental needs, requires us to (a) acknowledge what it is we truly want; (b) be brave enough to go for it; and (c) value ourselves enough to trust that our needs will be met. That we’re worth it.
After all, the Universe knows how precious you are—which reminds me of an amazing quote I heard recently: “Your birthday is the day the Universe decided it could not go on without you.”
And so there follows an exploration of some practices and principles I believe will help you to believe this about your SELF. To learn to recognize and prioritize your unique and lovable needs. Practices and principles I invite you to embrace regardless of your relationship status (or even your desired relationship status)—since my own journey also illustrates how NO relationship is infinitely preferable to a relationship founded on anything less than the highest levels of respect and utmost admiration for number one.
Self-Love Is . . . Way More Than Bubble Baths and Buying Yourself Flowers
Beginning a conversation about self-love, it’s easy to go straight to all the external stuff. Like, how would my ideal lover treat me? He or she would tell me I’m beautiful, cook me delicious meals, buy me gifts, and rub my feet at the end of a stressful day. So I want you to take all this and assume it as a given. Like, of course you’re going to pamper yourself and treat yourself nice. The thing is, unless you look at what’s going on on the inside, at how you can learn to love yourself on an emotional and spiritual level, it’s all just empty gestures—more Hallmark than heartfelt. The journey to true self-love is not necessarily this fragrant or this pretty; in fact, it can get downright messy.
Self-Love Is . . . Self-Awareness, Self-Acceptance, and Self-Forgiveness
This is because to truly love yourself, you must first seek to forge a loving relationship with every part of yourself. Waaaay harder than it sounds, as this inevitably requires shining a light on all the dark or ugly impulses, thoughts, feelings—a.k.a. signifiers from your higher Self that needs are going unmet—we’re generally taught to shove away under the carpet (since we’re taught to believe these unattractive, perhaps “too demanding” parts of our Self will ultimately make us unlovable—the irony!). Which brings me back to . . . astrology.
Self-love is about acknowledging what it is you need—and seeking for this to be fulfilled at soul level.
When the AstroTwins describe birth chart interpretation as a tool for “radical forgiveness,” this is because identifying the more difficult aspects of your chart can be one way to cultivate awareness as to where your gremlins might be hiding out. Because chances are you’ve gotten pretty good at pretending they don’t exist (by drowning them in a half bottle of wine every night, say). You can also do this in psychotherapy, through journaling, or even getting really deep and dirty with your tarot practice.
The work, then, is learning to acknowledge your jealous streak, or your anger issues, or your competitive impulses—with a view to welcoming these traits as part of your makeup, and ultimately forgiving yourself for, you know, being human. Which, by the way, is not the same as issuing yourself a get-out-of-jail-free card and continuing to engage in any associated low-vibe/mean behavior. This is about acceptance and forgiveness with a view to transmuting low to high vibes.
Self-Love Is . . . the Self as Love
My friend Jennifer Kass, a life coach who teaches self-love as the basis for personal development in every area of life, takes this one step further. On the very deepest, most spiritually advanced level, she says that to know and love oneself is to foster a connection to our inner or higher Self as a pure expression of the Divine (spirit, God, the Universal oneness, etc.).
She actually uses the words God and love interchangeably (also describing herself as the kind of person who, before her breakdown / breakthrough / spiritual awakening five years ago, “would not be your friend” if you told her you believed in God) and says the trick to truly experiencing and therefore knowing this cosmic force as the most elemental part of your Self, the bedrock of your being, is to completely transcend the ego mind, a.k.a. the plant where all the ugly stuff I mentioned above is produced. “And then BOOM, you’re there. Because beyond the ego, the higher Self IS love,” she says.
Self-Love Is . . . a Daily Practice
And how do we do this? “Simple. Through meditation and our daily spiritual practice,” says Jennifer. Which we all know can be easier said than done—but when it comes to truly knowing your Self and your unique needs, deep self-listening is key. As I explained in the chapter on meditation, when I first experienced the practice, I was genuinely astounded to discover that I could actually hear myself think, followed by the attendant realization that this meant “I” must somehow be a separate entity from my thoughts. And this “I” is the Self we’re angling to embark on a mad passionate love affair with. The Self that Jennifer encourages us to recognize as the expression of love itself. Why a daily practice? Because this “I” can be a whimsical beast—and so what I need can change dramatically depending on what kind of shit went down in I’s day!
Self-Love . . . Takes Time
Conventional wisdom is that it takes twenty-one days to form a new habit, although a 2010 study by University College London showed that it took anywhere from 18 to 254 days for lifestyle changes such as going for a daily run to feel automatic. And since what we’re talking about here can mean making a fundamental change to the coding of our operating system (learning that our needs not only count, but are of paramount importance, for example), depending on your levels of commitment I’d go right ahead and triple that.
Because you can set all the intentions and recite all the positive affirmations you like, but you still better be prepared for life—mainly in the form of self-sabotage, media messages, interactions with other people, and generally living in a human suit—to stall your self-love progress. Sure, you could make like Elizabeth Gilbert and disappear on your very own Eat, Pray, (Self)-Love pilgrimage, and get back in touch with your fundamental needs that way. But this option simply isn’t available (or even appropriate) for everyone, and chances are you’ll be feeling your way there, one step at a time, while navigating the life and the lessons you’ve been given (or rather, your soul chose for you). And for every two steps back? Self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness.
Self-Love . . . Can Be Measured in the Quality of Your Relationships
Going back to the giant cosmic magnet theory of like attracts like, “One of the biggest aspects of my awakening was watching my relationships transform as I transformed, and watching my relationships heal as I healed,” Jennifer told me. So if you’re actively staking out your self-love pilgrimage but are having a hard time working out how far you’ve come, then take a look around you at the people in your life.
And not just the people you’re romantically involved with. Which friends and new acquaintances are you gravitating toward, and whom do you naturally find yourself having less time for? The higher your self-love vibe, the higher-vibe people you’ll attract—people who in turn make you feel better about and therefore more inclined to feel lovingly toward your Self. (N.B. And please not one crumb of guilt about cutting the haters off completely.)
But also, and very importantly, how are things improving in your existing relationships? Like the one with, say, your mom (not the easiest for a LOT of women I know)? As discussed, I used to find it extremely annoying that my mum always wanted to know how I was feeling, and to tell me how she was feeling. Couldn’t she just leave me alone? And why did she have to be so needy? These days, I consider myself extremely fortunate to have a mum who wants to talk about what’s really going on—not to mention one who has learned to make her needs top priority, and ask for them to be met.
This is because since beginning to work on my self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and self-forgiveness, I’m no longer so afraid of revealing my demons (unattractive needs), which in turn means I no longer feel so “exposed” by (and defensive about) her probing. What I used to experience as criticism on her part (“you’re emotionally repressed, you don’t care about me”) I now see as loving concern and a desire for connection. Exactly mirroring the shift in my relationship with my Self.
Self-Love Is . . . Dating with Integrity
Elyssa Jakim is a healer and intuitive whose work is focused on sexual healing, and she arrived at her self-love journey thus: “Dating in a way that was not in integrity with my (spiritual) Self ultimately shone a light on what needed to be healed in me, which was my sense of self-worth, and self-love.”
Having moved to NYC to be an actress, she’d wound up having a LOT of Tinder sex to make up for being a late developer and not having dated much in high school. And not that there’s anything wrong with sex for sex’s sake—in fact, if that’s what you want and need, then dating with integrity for you could simply mean “acknowledging, accepting, and forgiving” your inner slut (let’s also reclaim that shameful little word while we’re at it), and being up front with your casual hookups that that’s essentially what your encounters are.
But in her case, Elyssa realized the resulting lack of intimacy and respect was essentially reflecting a lack of intimacy and respect in her relationship with her Self, which is when she decided to make a declaration to the Universe.
“Any time a guy wanted just sex, I would tell him: ‘I’m actually looking for a relationship now, and I can’t have sex without that.’ It became like a spiritual practice,” she told me. “In declaring this, I was both setting an intention and reminding myself I was worthy of the kind of relationship I truly desired.” Not to mention making herself way more attractive, according to the law of attraction that like attracts like, to the kind of love she wanted to experience with a partner.
Self-Love Is . . . Self-Pleasure
Okay, this is a big one as it gets a bit sciencey, and is kinda juicy, so let’s hang out here for a while.
When one friend was embarking on her self-love journey, she lamented: “But it’s probably going to mean no sex life for at least six months.” And this feels like a missing piece in the puzzle to me. Like OF COURSE waiting for the kind of sex that’s going to fill you up as opposed to make you feel like a used condom is a way of cultivating self-love . . . but you want to get off while you wait, right?
Damn right. Chinese medicine specialist Sandra Lanshin believes that women’s bodies are designed to receive and feel pleasure, including sexual pleasure. As in, it’s essential to our well-being. The hormone oxytocin (a.k.a. the “LOVE” hormone or cuddle drug), released in women during orgasm, reduces stress, lessens the chance of obesity and psychotic behavior, improves cognitive function, and decreases breast cancer risk. (And p.s. it’s released any time the uterus contracts—like when you give birth and even when you have your period.)
The best part? In most women, clitoral orgasms—meaning orgasms resulting from clitoral stimulation alone, which have no role whatsoever in the reproductive process, and which you are perfectly equipped to administer yourself—are the strongest. And the stronger the orgasm, the more oxy is released. Yay!
But, MAN, is there some stigma around women and masturbation. It’s not “ladylike”; it’s shameful; it’s self-indulgent. My theories about this are way too complex to really get into here, but think about the way women are taught to feel about sensual pleasure in general. How from food to physical exercise, denial and discipline are good—and without pain there can be no gain. Or how indulging in things we want is a “guilty pleasure.” I love the fact that Sandra often prescribes her clients “a thirty-day self-pleasure diet”—an orgasm a day, for thirty days—as a way of getting women to address this taboo. (Yes, you might want to try it!)
Now consider this. The ancient Taoists referred to self-pleasuring as one of the nine tenets of “self-cultivation”—“sexual sagehood” lining up alongside surrender, harmony, simplicity, grounding, integrity, transformation, immortality, and spontaneity. I found this beautiful description referring to “solo meditative sexual alchemy” online: “(using) our tangible sexual essence to capture and crystallize the invisible essence of our spirit.”
For me, this idea speaks to the fact that our sexual energy resides in the second, or sacral, chakra, along with our creative energy. And so getting in touch (literally) with ourself as a sexual being is also a way of stimulating our creative self—or powers of manifestation. This theory is the basis of a practice called Sex Magic, or what sex educator Annie Sprinkle calls “medibation”: the act of self-pleasuring while holding the image of something you want to call in, or create, in your mind.
Consider this quote from Chakrubs founder Vanessa Cuccia, whose company produces beautiful crystal dildos (for real!): “When we’re truly rooted in our pleasure, comfortable and excited, our minds go into a state of meditation [N.B. So much easier without a partner’s pleasure / our “performance” to worry about]. Spiritual growth is self-awareness, and so removing fear and shame (or rather, not holding on to these feelings) from the part of ourselves that is meant to receive and give pleasure is a potent place to start on a spiritual path.”
Which should give you plenty to think about next time date night rolls around and nothing on the Tinder menu seems that appealing. And the kicker? Learn to feel good about giving yourself sexual pleasure, and waiting for “the one” becomes way more bearable. Most men are totally okay with masturbation, after all, and, as we’re pretty well aware, they also don’t appear to expend nearly so much energy as women angsting over their currently single status. Um . . . coincidence?!
Self-Love Is . . . Holding Yourself
And for the nights when you just need to “cuddle”? You can do that for yourself, too. When Elyssa got real about her desire to meet a life partner, she designed a self-love meditation practice to help cultivate the feelings of unconditional love in her self that she knew would in turn attract the kind of relationship she wanted. It goes something like this: “Before you go to bed, go into a meditation and embody your higher Self. Now ask to see, feel, or hear, the higher Self of your Soul Mate, and then invite them to hold you as you sleep.”
When Elyssa practiced this for a period of months, she says it helped her to know and feel that she was completely worthy of love. She paused the practice when she began dating somebody, but says, “I was so glad to return to the idea of my Soul Mate when that relationship ended.” And although she was cultivating a valuable self-love tool that meant finding a partner actually became less important, there’s a fairy-tale ending to this story too. Shortly after we spoke, Elyssa embarked on a journey of self-discovery in the Pacific Northwest, where she met the guy she calls “my person” during the very first week—using a popular dating app, no less. The last I heard, they were engaged to be married.
Self-Love Is . . . a Holistic Self-Care Practice
And I repeat: I’m not just talking about rose-scented Epsom salt baths (these are a given!). I want you to think back to the way the shamans approach healing, taking into account the needs of all four bodies—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual—and adjust your approach to self-care accordingly. For me, this looks a lot like . . .
PHYSICAL: the Epsom salt baths, a regular deep-tissue massage, yoga, minimal alcohol, regular vegan ice cream consumption
MENTAL: no e-mails or social media before 9 a.m. and after 9 p.m., and not comparing my self, my life, my achievements, and my desires to others’
EMOTIONAL: a commitment to feeling all my feelings, sharing how I really feel, and allowing myself to cry—a LOT
SPIRITUAL: TM meditation; my dream diary; regular visits with my astrologers, healers, and shamans; honoring my intuition; and rituals to connect to the phases of the Moon
Then you have to actually prioritize this stuff. Which means setting BOUNDARIES—which can also be described as “sacred me time and space”—and which I see as a self-care practice in itself. With the Capricorn, for example, I had no boundaries whatsoever. He steamrolled into my life and hijacked all four of my bodies before I even saw him coming. And sadly, this happens all the time in our relationships: romantic, at work, and with our families. Especially since being so connected by technology means there’s even more pressure for us to be available, to everybody, all the time. But to truly be available in your relationships, you must first be available to your Self.
Self-Love Is . . . Loving Self-Talk
Under “mental” (above) I also want to add the practice of “monitoring self-talk,” since being overly critical and mean to our selves is probably one of the biggest and most common stumbling blocks when it comes to cultivating self-love. This is because most of us don’t even know we’re doing it, which brings me back to meditation, as always, as the essential component in learning to hear the ego / monkey mind gossiping away.
Once you’re able to listen in, you can gently steer the conversation in a more loving/forgiving direction. Ask yourself: Would I ever talk to my best friend that way? Or my child? As Elyssa puts it, it’s about “almost treating myself like this delicate little girl that needs understanding and nurturing.” This is particularly effective in practicing body-love, she adds. “The second we decide to talk to our bodies this way, it’s like we’ve been waiting for it our whole lives. Like a plant that just needed water.”
Which is not the same as sugarcoating life’s less palatable truths, by the way. For example, when you inform your best friend she’s dating an asshole, or taking too many drugs, or maybe should not have dyed her hair that color, you only have her very best interests at heart, right? A sign you really don’t care would be to just let it slide. But would you detonate this truth bomb while also reminding her that she’s an idiot? Exactly.
Self-Love Is . . . Doing the Right Thing
Getting real with yourself is actually an intuition practice—since, as discussed, I equate the feeling of a “yes” in my gut with the feeling of the truth. Equally, I know I’m ignoring my intuition (higher self, spirit, the Universe, etc.) when it feels like I’m telling a lie. And since telling the truth and acting with integrity is pretty much always the loving thing (if not the nice thing) to do, then self-love requires the same commitment to being truthful with yourself.
Like, don’t lie to yourself about how much you’re really spending on clothes you never wear, or how bad meaningless sex makes you feel. No more pretending you’re only having seven drinks a week when you know it’s more like seventeen, or that you’re okay with the fact you don’t really talk to your mom.
This piece is about building self-esteem (which is really just another term for self-love), since being truthful with your self, following through on your promises, and taking actions in alignment with what you’re really feeling is a message that you’re listening and that you value what your higher Self is telling you it needs. Or, as Jennifer Kass puts it, “finally being the heroine of your own story, pulling out your sword, and saving your self.”
Which also means not needing a relationship, the classic knight in shining armor, to slay the dragon for you.