My universal smackdown came on Valentine’s Day 2003, when I had what I call my needle-off-the-record moment: “You have cancer.” Those words will forever be tattooed on my soul. Thursday, I was an aspiring young actress and photographer living in New York City. By Friday at 2 p.m.—BAM—I was a cancer patient.
As I wrote in my first book, I’d thought I just had a hangover, but when my Jivamukti yoga class didn’t provide its usual kick-ass cure, a visit to my doctor revealed that my liver was covered with lesions. That wasn’t all, though; non, non, mon cherie. The tumors had spread to my lungs. And get this: The cancer was completely inoperable, with no cure and no definitive treatment.
The good news was that the cancer appeared to be a slow-moving sarcoma, epithelioid hemangioendothelioma to be exact. Huh? I could barely pronounce it, let alone come to grips with the fact that it was growing inside me. Sarcomas are cancers that affect the soft tissues, nerves, muscles, joints, and bones. They’re extremely rare and mysterious, and because so few patients are diagnosed with them, research funds aren’t exactly overflowing. This is why sarcomas are often called “the forgotten cancer.” Still, because of its unique genetic makeup, my cancer wasn’t behaving aggressively. So in one sense I had what every cancer patient longs for: time.
The bad news was that this could change at any moment. My only option was to take a watch-and-wait, learn-to-live-with-cancer approach. Wow, please dump me into a bottomless vat of scotch!
Learn to live with a Stage IV cancer? How? How could I learn to live with cancer without thinking of dying every day? That’s when the lightbulb blazed on. To move through the fear, I had to change my focus and turn to the one thing that had always saved me in hard times: creativity.
Within weeks I had picked up my camera and my pen and begun documenting my story. Crazy Sexy Cancer, I called it. Why not? If I had to live with this beastie, I didn’t want to shrivel, hide, or feel like damaged goods. I needed to hoot and holler. The title freed me to feel normal and giggle again while the creative project gave me something productive and tangible to anchor my future to. The result is my documentary film as well as my first book, Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips, a righteous guide to kicking cancer tail.
Let’s just say it like it is: Cancer creates pandemonium. Your life is forever changed and there will always be a virginity stolen by cancer. Yet so many people who’ve been through it swear it was the best thing that ever happened to them. Why? Because if you let it, cancer will take you to your zero point and teach you how to live like you mean it. We are all warriors, angels, and stunning revolutionaries—cancer can’t take that away from us. I would rather hemorrhage in a pool of starving sharks than let cancer break my spirit or make me feel like a sick person. So I choose to believe that I am more alive, more beautiful, and, yes, sexier (aka more empowered, passionate, and intriguing) than ever before! Why not? Cancer is nothing to be ashamed of. You didn’t fail. I understand feeling angry and powerless in the wake of this disease all too well. But aren’t we all so tired of swallowing the pain and suffering and fearing words we dare not say?
What if you could shift your perception and come to understand the big C (or any major challenge in your life) not as the stereotypical death sentence but as a chance—to learn, to dive deep, to grow and smash stigmas, to truly live life. What if you could see adversity as an adventure instead of a battle, an opportunity and not a curse? The big-daddy life question isn’t whether we’re going to die. I got news for ya, life is a terminal condition; cancer patients are just more aware of it. The real question is how many of us will choose to truly live. No one will give you license to carpe diem. You are the only one who can make the decision to go for it. If you’re reading this, you probably got the big wake-up call. Are you going to let it go to voice mail—once again?
There is a wealth of tips, tricks, and insights available to help you navigate the labyrinth that is cancer. Let this book show you how to slide into the driver’s seat and turn on your internal GPS. Your wisdom goes far beyond these pages. Each of us can tap into the ancient voodoo chili sage that intuitively knows what to do and which direction to shimmy. If you hush the chatter for a second, you’ll hear it. Perhaps it will sound like a whisper—or maybe it’ll blow out your eardrums with the stadium rumble of a Springsteen concert.
When I excavated my internal compass, I began to understand what the master sculptor, painter, and architect Michelangelo meant when he described how he “released” the brilliant (not to mention hot) statue David: “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” Michelangelo had the genius to see the masterpiece inside a big rock. Then with focus, commitment, and follow-through, he brought his vision to life.
There’s a work of art inside you, too, buried beneath fear, doubt, and untapped wildfire. Everything you need lies dormant in your heart. This workbook will give you the tools to excavate that ruby and let your inner goddess shine! Get messy, dig around, be truthful, and call yourself out: What’s the frickin’ game plan, yo? Roll up your sleeves and have a come-to-JBEE (Jesus, Buddha, Elvis, Etc.) session. I like to sit with my journal, spill the beans, wipe up the mess, reframe, and refocus. If you let it, this book can help you shake off the passive malaise and set you on the path toward deep healing. Think of it as your private sacred space, a creative wall to throw some spelt spaghetti on. And just because I call it a workbook doesn’t mean it’s a study hall drag. Have fun with these pages! Doodle, babble, bleed, rant, and play. Dream big but leave room for magic.
High-roller trauma can light a burning inner fire. It shakes us from our monochrome box of perceptions and soaks our world in Technicolor. Cancer teaches us to ride our fear even though it bucks like a mechanical dragon. If we resist the bucking, it will be a very bumpy ride and more than likely we’ll fall. But if we go with the rhythm and flow, we can ride that dragon forever. The choice is ours. As my pistol-packin’ granny used to say: Don’t curse the darkness, light a candle.
The darkness is a call to action, and your freedom lies in taking the first step. Don’t worry about the entire staircase, just take one step, and then tomorrow take another.
I get lots of awesome letters from people around the world. As I’ve dropped my walls and shared my story with honesty (and a dash of naughty humor), it has encouraged others to do the same. I used to pry open doors just wide enough to get my toes slammed in them. Success was something I longed for but rarely experienced in a sustainable way. Yet since the Crazy Sexy revolution started, doors have been flying off the hinges. I have had the privilege of shaking thousands of hands, have helped raise lots of moolah for different cancer organizations, and turned doctors into colleagues and medicine men into pen pals.
Heck, I even got to chat ’n’ chew with the queen herself, Ms. Oprah Winfrey. “Oprah, I’m coming, save me a seat!” I used to write in my journal as I worked on my projects, especially when I had my doubts. Note: Manifestation has major mojo! And now here I was pinching myself till my arm turned black and blue as I sat on her stage talking about love, death, veggies, and ass-kickin’ strategies for living the best life ever. All while glancing into the loving eyes of the man in the front row, my husband, Brian. As I dished in my first book, cancer was my matchmaker. I share all of this to prove that life doesn’t stop when the turbulent ouchies come. In some cases, if you can get through the bumps, you’ll unwrap abundantly sweet fruit baskets.
The first Crazy Sexy Cancer boot camp, Austin 2008
Join the celebration (http://my.crazysexylife.com). If you haven’t read the first book, I encourage you to do so. Crazy Sexy fans are an outrageous bunch! They stomp with sparks and grace. They push boundaries and never take no for an answer. To Crazy Sexies no means go! Oodles of cowgirls and dudes with all kinds of experiences (not just cancer) have hopped on the bandwagon. There is a community, a global wellness posse forming as you read this sentence. Why? Because the Crazy Sexy attitude taps into life’s sweet spot, the place in each of us where possibility meets human potential. Where curiosity hugs Why not?
This time around I will introduce you to a posse of wellness professionals, a few friends, and two cherished power women in my family. I have found deep value in creating my own support community, and I urge you to do the same. Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor is broken down into four parts: diagnosis, mind, body, and spirit. Each offers reflections and suggestions for the ride. A few of the stories you’ll remember from Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips—nuggets so delicious it wouldn’t hurt you to taste them again.
You don’t have to be a canSer patient (misspelled to bring the oxygen back into the room) to benefit from this workbook. This book is a firestarter, an inner-revolution boot camp. It is full of stories, exercises, meditations, “aha” moments, excavations, rituals, and midnight-ramble-back-porch brainstorms—for everyone. It’s meant to inspire you to become an empowered participant in your healing. This isn’t about canSer, this is about life, and life is a juggernaut of gorgeous, staggering, messy, brilliant, yes, no, holy cow, holy shit, champagne supernova, love, loss, and learning. The only thing you have to bring to this is a willingness to be fearless. No one gets an easy pass; we’re all hauling around something, and we can either drown in the suffering or use it as a springboard for personal metamorphosis. Our spunky attitude is the key to our freedom. So what are you going to do? Wither on the vine or bloom, beauty, bloom? Open up, breathe in, and let yourself thrive!
Turn the page. I dare you.