ACT ONE

Lights rise on the Sawatsky kitchen. CAROLYN is filling the dishwasher with items from the sink. MADISON enters.

MADISON

Hey.

CAROLYN

Back already?

MADISON

I need to change my top.

CAROLYN

Why?

MADISON

The last place was über casual. This one’s a little more classic.

CAROLYN

Who knew looking for a job was so complicated?

MADISON

Adulthood involves way too many different outfits.

MADISON exits. KANE enters.

KANE

Hello.

CAROLYN

You’re early.

KANE

We’re celebrating.

CAROLYN

What’s the occasion?

They kiss quickly. He gives her a squeeze.

KANE

The Liebowskis loved everything about our design and I was able to get a big fat cheque out of them. I think we can now replace the furnace.

CAROLYN

I told you that design was brilliant.

KANE

They loved the chenille. Perfect choice again.

They kiss again, more passionately.

When are the kids expected?

CAROLYN

Maddy’s upstairs right now.

KANE

So no time for a quick bit of.

CAROLYN

None.

KANE

Damn.

CAROLYN

Later.

KANE

Promise.

They kiss again. MADISON enters changed.

MADISON

Hey Pop.

KANE

How’s the job hunting?

MADISON

There’s not a lot out there.

CAROLYN

A job wouldn’t be an issue if you were in university.

MADISON

What’s the point of paying for an education if you don’t know what you want to do?

ROYCE enters.

ROYCE

Howdy.

KANE

Hey Royce. Anything cool happen today?

ROYCE

Yeah. High school’s just full of cool things that happen. When’s dinner?

CAROLYN

About an hour.

ROYCE

Call me.

ROYCE exits.

MADISON

I need the car.

CAROLYN

Why?

MADISON

There’s a new restaurant looking for servers and I’m already late.

CAROLYN

Do you really think working in a restaurant is going to be that much more interesting than working in a store?

MADISON

Are you kidding? Kara’s working at the Poplars and you should see the money she’s making. After five or six hours a night.

CAROLYN

But those late night shifts.

MADISON

Work for me.

KANE throws MADISON his keys.

KANE

Here you go.

CAROLYN

Don’t speed.

MADISON

Back in a flash.

MADISON exits.

CAROLYN

Let’s hope this one pans out.

KANE

It’s not easy getting a full-time job.

CAROLYN

Sweetie—she’s twenty-one years old. She can’t sell lip gloss at a kiosk three nights a week anymore.

KANE

It’s still very young.

CAROLYN

Are you forgetting some of the things you’d done at that age?

KANE

They’re our babies.

CAROLYN takes him in her arms.

CAROLYN

I like to think we didn’t raise the kind of kids who live at home until they’re thirty.

KANE

Would that be so bad?

CAROLYN

Yes it would.

A light on DAVID at the restaurant, seated at one of the tables doing paperwork. MADISON enters.

MADISON

Hi.

DAVID

Hello.

MADISON

You need waiters?

DAVID

Yes.

MADISON

I’m Madison.

DAVID

Hi Madison. David McMillan. Have we met before?

MADISON

I don’t think so.

DAVID

You seem familiar.

MADISON hands him her resumé.

MADISON

Okay. I brought my resumé.

DAVID

Do you have restaurant experience?

MADISON

No but I’ve got a lot of retail. Part-time.

DAVID

We’re really looking for experienced waiters. I’d have to start you as a bus-person or on the coat check.

MADISON

That’s fine.

DAVID

Sawatsky?

MADISON

Yes.

DAVID

You’re not related to Kane Sawatsky are you?

MADISON

He’s my dad. You know him?

DAVID

No not a bit a long time ago.

MADISON

Cool. Should I say hi for you?

DAVID

If you like. In all honesty Madison we are looking for people with experience in the business.

MADISON

I’m a very quick learner.

DAVID

I’m sure you are.

MADISON

I’m happy to bus or whatever.

DAVID

I’m afraid all the positions have been filled. Thanks for stopping by.

MADISON

Okay. Bye. Thanks.

MADISON exits. Lights rise on the Sawatsky kitchen. ROYCE is at the table. KANE and CAROLYN are making dinner.

KANE

Did you look at those fabric samples I left on your desk?

CAROLYN

The pumpkin’s too garish and that tweed stuff is an interesting colour but too itchy looking.

KANE

What about the aubergine?

CAROLYN

Loved the aubergine.

KANE

Whadaya wanna bet that Liebowski job leads to some big-time referrals?

CAROLYN

That’s what we’re hoping for.

ROYCE

Are those the west-end Liebowskis whose daughter joined that sperm cult?

KANE

I have no idea.

CAROLYN

Sperm cult?

ROYCE

Self-explanatory Ma.

MADISON enters.

KANE

Just in time.

MADISON

I’m not hungry.

CAROLYN

What’s wrong?

KANE

Did the interview go that badly?

MADISON

I got stiffed because the guy knows you.

CAROLYN

Really?

MADISON

Yeah he seemed all interested until he found out you’re my dad.

KANE

What’s his name?

MADISON

McMillan.

CAROLYN

David?

KANE

David McMillan?

MADISON

That’s right. Good shape. Nice hair. A bit you know.

Long pause.

What?

CAROLYN

Kane the sauce is burning.

KANE

Shit sorry damn.

CAROLYN

Everything’s ready.

ROYCE

Why are you acting weird?

KANE

Madison sit.

CAROLYN

Is the sauce?

KANE

Yes. You?

CAROLYN

Yes. Go.

KANE

Hot stuff.

CAROLYN

Careful.

KANE

Sweet and sour pork chops.

CAROLYN

Grilled okra.

MADISON

Uh—guys.

KANE

Just.

CAROLYN

Eat.

MADISON

Who is David McMillan?

KANE

He was.

CAROLYN

Just a.

KANE

Friend.

CAROLYN

Of your father’s.

KANE

A long time ago.

ROYCE

What kinda friend?

KANE

Just you know a friend like you have.

CAROLYN

When you have friends.

KANE

Yeah.

MADISON

So why’d he blow me off then?

KANE

We—aren’t close anymore.

MADISON

Why not?

KANE

We just.

CAROLYN

Grew apart.

ROYCE

Was he a good friend?

KANE

At one time.

CAROLYN

No more talking. Eat.

They eat. Pause.

MADISON

He seemed gay.

Pause.

Is he?

CAROLYN

Yes.

ROYCE

You had a gay friend?

KANE

Yes.

MADISON

So was he like your boyfriend or something? Is that why everyone’s acting so weird?

Long pause.

Omigod.

ROYCE

Get out.

CAROLYN

It’s ancient history.

MADISON

Are you kidding?

ROYCE

You’re a fudgepacker?

KANE

I’m not sure we should use the term fudgepacker.

MADISON

Are you more comfortable with queer?

KANE

I don’t think this is.

CAROLYN

Something we need to.

KANE

Discuss.

CAROLYN

Right now.

ROYCE

You had a boyfriend?

KANE

I he we had a relationship.

ROYCE

Relationship?

MADISON

Did you live with him?

KANE

For two years.

MADISON

Wow.

ROYCE

And you’re telling us now because?

KANE

You asked.

Long pause.

We can talk about it if you’re.

MADISON

I’m outa here.

CAROLYN

You haven’t eaten a thing.

MADISON

I said I wasn’t hungry.

KANE

Any time you want. We can talk.

MADISON

Great. Thanks.

CAROLYN

Where are you going?

MADISON

Armand’s.

CAROLYN

Who’s Armand?

MADISON

My friend.

CAROLYN

Are you sure you wouldn’t rather?

MADISON

What? Talk about the man Dad used to live with?

KANE

If you want.

MADISON

Later.

MADISON exits.

CAROLYN

We’ve all done things in our pasts that we’re ashamed of.

KANE

Young people are supposed to try different things.

ROYCE

Like packing fudge.

KANE

Stop saying that. I just.

ROYCE

What?

KANE

It was a first-time thing.

ROYCE

It isn’t bad enough having a father who’s artistic and tasteful—but he turns out to be gay too.

KANE

One relationship with a man doesn’t make me gay.

ROYCE

What does it make you then?

CAROLYN

Complicated. Being an adult’s complicated.

ROYCE

If you say so.

KANE

We always taught you that life was about making choices. That there’s nothing wrong with being different.

ROYCE

And now I get why.

KANE

Are you angry?

ROYCE

No.

CAROLYN

Where are you going?

ROYCE

To a fag bar to meet a child molester.

ROYCE exits.

CAROLYN

He’s angry.

KANE

Should we have lied?

CAROLYN

They can always tell.

KANE

And they would’ve heard it from someone else. Eventually.

CAROLYN

I think we should’ve lied.

KANE

I think you’re right.

A light on DAVID at his desk. He’s reviewing resumés as he speaks on his cellphone earpiece.

DAVID

I didn’t tell anyone I was selling my condo. I didn’t want to be talked out of it. The fact that I’ve been gone for nearly five months and you just noticed should be explanation enough. Don’t take it so personally. Yes. I promise Clive. Everything. I’ll email you.

Lights rise on KANE, outside of the house, smoking and pacing. MADISON enters.

MADISON

Dad.

KANE

Hey. How’s Armand?

MADISON

Controlled by television. Are you smoking?

He stubs the cigarette out quickly.

KANE

No yeah I’m just I’m not starting again.

MADISON

Your life.

KANE

Do you think less of me?

MADISON

For smoking?

KANE

For having had a boyfriend.

MADISON

You loved him?

KANE

I thought I did.

MADISON

So are you a straight man who fell in love with a gay guy a gay guy who decided to have a family or a bi guy with a rare sense of commitment?

KANE

I’m mostly straight.

MADISON

What about the whole born straight or born gay thing?

KANE

I don’t think that applies to everyone.

MADISON

Where does Mom fit into this picture?

KANE lights another cigarette.

KANE

She we met after the breakup.

MADISON

But she always knew.

KANE

Of course. It wasn’t a secret.

MADISON

When did you see him last?

KANE

The day I moved out.

MADISON

You don’t wanna talk about this.

KANE

It doesn’t matter anymore.

MADISON

Then why are you smoking again?

KANE

Because I’m scared my children hate me.

MADISON

I don’t hate you.

KANE

Thanks.

MADISON

It was just you know.

KANE

I know.

They embrace.

MADISON

Now chuck those cigarettes before Ma gets a whiff of you.

MADISON exits. A light rises on CAROLYN at the kitchen table working on her laptop. ROYCE enters.

CAROLYN

It’s twelve forty-nine.

ROYCE

You should be in bed.

CAROLYN

I have to finish this payroll.

ROYCE

Is Dad asleep?

CAROLYN

Yeah. He’s smoking again. Where were you?

ROYCE

Sigfreid’s.

CAROLYN

Don’t be angry at your father.

ROYCE

I’d prefer not to know anything about your sex lives.

CAROLYN

It was one short period of his life a long time ago.

ROYCE

We checked that guy out on the Net.

CAROLYN

Why would he be on the Net?

ROYCE

Everyone’s on the Net. He’s done porn.

CAROLYN

No. Really?

ROYCE

Totally. Daddy Does Dallas and Wide Load in the Rear. I downloaded a few stills if you want to.

CAROLYN

No thank you very much. I wish you’d stay away from that stuff.

ROYCE

Right. It’s everywhere.

CAROLYN

I never would’ve thought—porn.

ROYCE

Jeez you act like there’s something wrong with it.

CAROLYN

Isn’t there?

ROYCE

Only if you’re like really old. He’s had quite a few restaurants too. Some really swish place in New York. Did you know him?

CAROLYN

Not really. Your father was in the process of breaking up with him when we met.

ROYCE

Were you the other woman?

CAROLYN

Don’t be ridiculous. Go to bed. Now.

Lights rise on DAVID in the restaurant. He’s testing fabrics for tablecloths and napkins against the colours of the room, muttering to himself. MADISON enters carrying a newspaper.

MADISON

Hi.

DAVID

Hello—Madison?

MADISON

That’s right.

DAVID

What can I do for you?

MADISON

I thought all the jobs were taken.

DAVID

They are.

MADISON

Then why are you still advertising for “waiter bus and bar staff”?

DAVID

The ad runs for a pre-set period.

MADISON

I think you’re scared to hire me because you were my dad’s boyfriend.

DAVID

They told you?

MADISON

Sure.

DAVID

Then I’m sure you can understand why I can’t give you a job.

MADISON

Not really.

DAVID

It would be—uncomfortable.

MADISON

Because you’re still in love with him?

DAVID

No.

MADISON

Then what’s the problem?

DAVID

You’re parents wouldn’t approve.

MADISON

I’m a grown-up.

DAVID

It’s a bad idea.

MADISON

They speak very highly of you.

DAVID

They do?

MADISON

Sounds like you were quite the influence.

DAVID

That’s one way of putting it.

MADISON

How did you meet him?

DAVID

We worked at a restaurant. He was my busboy.

MADISON

Sounds romantic.

DAVID

It was fun.

MADISON

They were both delighted when I told them I’d met you.

DAVID

No they weren’t.

MADISON

It was a long time ago. Everybody’s over whatever happened by now right?

DAVID

You’d think so.

MADISON

They’d like to see you.

DAVID

Yeah right.

MADISON

I could probably get them to invite you for dinner.

DAVID

But you couldn’t get me to come.

MADISON

You could meet my brother. See the whole family together. Then you’ll be able to see there’s no lingering whatevernesses and you can give me a job. Whadaya say?

DAVID

No. Now please go away and never bother me again.

Pause.

MADISON

Now I see why he left you.

DAVID

Is that what he told you?

MADISON

Bye.

MADISON exits. Lights rise on the kitchen. ROYCE works with his laptop at the table. KANE and CAROLYN are preparing to go out.

ROYCE

Did you know we lost thirty percent of the polar ice cap last year?

CAROLYN

I’m not surprised.

KANE

It’s so disturbing.

ROYCE

Polar bears are practically extinct.

KANE

Not to mention the suicide rate among the Inuit.

CAROLYN

Whose idea of after-dinner conversation is this?

ROYCE

I’m doing a report.

KANE

I watched a TV show.

MADISON enters.

MADISON

Sorry I’m late.

CAROLYN

You’re supposed to call.

MADISON

My cell ran outa juice. Who died?

CAROLYN

For the opera.

MADISON

Ew.

ROYCE

Where were you?

MADISON

I went back to McMillan’s restaurant.

KANE

Why?

MADISON

I need a job.

KANE

He already turned you down.

ROYCE

She was checking him out.

MADISON

I was so.

KANE

Madison.

MADISON

He won’t give me the job because he thinks it would be a problem for you guys.

CAROLYN

It would be a problem for us guys.

MADISON

Why?

KANE

Because we don’t want him back in our lives.

MADISON

Why would you think my working for him would bring him back into your lives?

KANE

Because he’s David McMillan.

MADISON

I thought it might be nice if you guys asked him to dinner. Just to prove that—you know—everything’s cool.

KANE

Forget it. You’re not to go back there again. Ever. This subject is closed.

MADISON

Dad.

KANE

Closed.

Very long pause.

ROYCE

He’s got like a really fat dick.

KANE

Goddammit Royce.

A light rises on DAVID in the restaurant. He is cleaning the bar and talking on his cellphone earpiece.

DAVID

I dreamed about him last night. It’s strange. She doesn’t really look like him but some of the things she says. The way she moves. I haven’t dreamed about him in years. It was just short. We were in bed and he curled his back against my body the way he used to and I let my arm fall across his chest. I could feel him breathing. Then I woke up. Boring. Now tell me what’s happening with you.

Lights rise on KANE and CAROLYN walking to their car.

CAROLYN

He practically winked at you.

KANE

Stop.

CAROLYN

He did. He said I hear David’s back in town and then he all but winked at you. And the way Sylvia was smiling. Creepy.

KANE

If Maddy hadn’t.

CAROLYN

But she did.

KANE

Why did he come back?

CAROLYN

I don’t know but everyone in town’s aware of it.

KANE

You’re exaggerating.

CAROLYN

I know when people are talking about us. We have to do something.

KANE

What?

CAROLYN

Take Madison’s suggestion to heart and invite him to dinner.

KANE

Seriously?

CAROLYN

Now that the cat’s out of the bag we have no choice.

KANE

Sweetie it’s a very bad idea.

CAROLYN

Would you rather wait to bump into him somewhere where we don’t expect it? When we’re both looking terrible?

KANE

Christ no.

CAROLYN

It’s just dinner.

KANE

Right.

Lights rise on MADISON working on her laptop at the kitchen table. ROYCE enters and gets something to eat from the fridge.

ROYCE

What’re you doing?

MADISON

Family research.

ROYCE

What for?

MADISON

To see if there’s anything else they’re keeping from us.

ROYCE

And?

MADISON

And they are. You know those paternal grandparents we never met?

ROYCE

Died before we were born.

MADISON

Wrong. They didn’t die until we were in school.

ROYCE

Why didn’t Dad tell us about them?

MADISON

They seem to have completely disowned him.

ROYCE

Harsh.

MADISON

They were stinkin’ rich.

ROYCE

No way.

MADISON

His dad was big in prescription-drug development. Left his entire fortune to a Christian family-values institution. You should see all the entries about our grandfather.

ROYCE

Seriously?

MADISON

I bet if Dad hadn’t been a faggot we’d be living like millionaires right now.

ROYCE

Damn.

MADISON

He musta really loved that guy.

ROYCE

To give up your family like that.

MADISON

Doesn’t seem like Dad.

ROYCE

You ever get the feeling they’re really nothing like we think they are?

MADISON

Yeah. Creepy.

ROYCE

Yeah.

Lights rise on DAVID reviewing a menu proof at a restaurant table. KANE and CAROLYN enter.

KANE

Hi.

Short pause.

DAVID

Kane.

CAROLYN

Hello David.

DAVID

Carolyn. Surprising to see you both. And so nicely turned out.

KANE

We were at the opera.

CAROLYN

Così fan tutte. Boring.

KANE

Hate opera.

CAROLYN

But a lot of our clients go.

DAVID

This is such a surprise.

KANE

We’re here to apologize if Madison caused you any inconvenience.

DAVID

No problem. I probably would’ve hired her if she hadn’t been your daughter.

KANE

We’re grateful you didn’t.

CAROLYN

This is a stunning room.

DAVID

I’ll take that as a great compliment since I know you guys have one of the most successful interior-design firms in town.

CAROLYN

Don’t you love googling?

DAVID

So much easier than small talk.

KANE

You designed this place yourself.

DAVID

You can tell?

KANE

Of course.

CAROLYN

Why’s it called Mary’s?

DAVID

My silent partner Mary Riley put up most of the money so she got naming rights.

CAROLYN

So you came back to—open a restaurant?

DAVID

I was looking for something to do.

CAROLYN

What happened to that fabulously successful place you had in New York?

DAVID

Everything goes out of style eventually. I’ve opened three other restaurants since then and now I’m right back where I started.

KANE

At least you’re not a waiter.

DAVID

Really.

KANE

It’s good to see you.

CAROLYN

Yes.

DAVID

Oddly—it’s good to see you guys too.

KANE

Of course we wouldn’t have come by if Maddy hadn’t come in.

DAVID

We probably would’ve run into each other sooner or later.

KANE

Small world.

DAVID

And dying.

CAROLYN

Fate.

DAVID

You’re well?

KANE

Yes.

DAVID

Are you happy?

KANE

What?

CAROLYN

Of course.

KANE

Yes.

CAROLYN

We’re a happy family.

DAVID

Good.

CAROLYN

Are you single these days?

DAVID

Yes.

KANE

I’m surprised.

CAROLYN

You’re such a catch.

DAVID

Still sampling the worms.

CAROLYN

We’d like to have you over for dinner.

DAVID

Really?

KANE

Yes.

CAROLYN

What better way could there be to say the past is behind us and we’re all moving on to a new future? Come on. For old time’s sake.

DAVID

Are you sure?

KANE

Of course.

CAROLYN

Say yes.

DAVID

Okay.

Lights rise on MADISON and ROYCE in the kitchen. She’s packing up her laptop. He’s getting more food from the fridge.

ROYCE

Got any weed?

MADISON

Just a real long roach in my bag.

ROYCE

I could really use a toke.

MADISON

Why don’t you have any?

ROYCE rubs his fingers at her indicating no money.

I’ll see what I can do.

KANE and CAROLYN enter.

Hey.

ROYCE

What’s happening?

KANE

Your mother just invited David McMillan to dinner.

MADISON

Really?

CAROLYN

Yes. Tomorrow.

MADISON

Why the change?

CAROLYN

Because you’re absolutely right. What your father and David had has no bearing on our lives now. This dinner will prove that to everyone.

MADISON

Works for me.

ROYCE

Night.

KANE

Night kids.

MADISON and ROYCE exit.

CAROLYN

Does he still make your little heart go pitter pat?

KANE

He seemed.

CAROLYN

I know.

KANE

Not as.

CAROLYN

Intimidating.

KANE

Angry.

CAROLYN

But still.

KANE

Yes.

CAROLYN

He looked awfully good for fifty.

KANE

Tonight we should go for that quick bit of.

CAROLYN

Oh yeah.

A light rises on DAVID on his cellphone.

DAVID

He looked so—middle-aged. I warned him when we broke up time works differently in the straight world. And I hate to say it but she’s held it together better than he has. Come on. That’s a long time to hold a grudge and—honestly—now that I’ve seen them I think I got the better deal.

Lights rise on the kitchen. MADISON is there, checking the pots on the stove. ROYCE enters.

MADISON

There’s pâté in the fridge and some rice crackers over there.

ROYCE

Pâté?

MADISON

The pinky grey stuff that looks like ass barf from a sick dog.

ROYCE

I love that stuff. Where are they?

MADISON

Changing. Again.

ROYCE

Did you hear them last night?

MADISON

The fucking neighbours heard them.

ROYCE

Why are you dressed like a slut?

MADISON

Because I’m a slut.

ROYCE

I can see the tops of your aureoleos. (or-ee-ole-eos)

MADISON

Then look elsewhere pervert.

KANE enters.

KANE

Well?

ROYCE

What?

MADISON

Better.

ROYCE

Did you get your hair dyed?

KANE

Just covered the grey and got some highlights.

CAROLYN enters.

CAROLYN

Ta da.

ROYCE

Christ.

MADISON

Okay I’m just like whoa.

CAROLYN

I got a mini makeover. I couldn’t help it.

ROYCE

This is weird.

MADISON

Really.

KANE

Maddy that shirt is not appropriate.

CAROLYN

A little cleavage is fine but.

KANE

I know you have a lot of other nice tops.

CAROLYN

That don’t make you look like you’re lactating. Change it.

MADISON

I have a right to express myself.

KANE

Listen to your mother.

MADISON

Style Nazis.

MADISON exits.

ROYCE

Is this alright?

KANE

You combed your hair.

ROYCE

Thinking about taking a shower too.

KANE

Don’t get crazy.

CAROLYN

We can start moving the serving dishes to the table.

ROYCE

What is this?

CAROLYN

Thai Moroccan fusion.

ROYCE

Concept food.

CAROLYN

Be nice. I spent all day.

The doorbell rings.

KANE

I’ll get it. I’ll. Got it.

KANE exits.

ROYCE

What’s with him?

CAROLYN

Nerves.

KANE

(off) Hey come in.

DAVID

(off) Thanks. How are you?

KANE

(off) Great. Thanks. Right through here.

DAVID

(off) Lovely place.

DAVID and KANE enter.

KANE

I’ll give you a tour later.

DAVID

Hi.

CAROLYN

Welcome. You look wonderful.

DAVID

So do you.

DAVID and CAROLYN double cheek kiss stiffly.

CAROLYN

This is our son Royce.

DAVID

Hello Royce.

ROYCE

Hey.

DAVID

Fabulous kitchen. Very smart. The dining room is a thing of the past.

ROYCE

That’s exactly what Dad said.

CAROLYN

Drink?

DAVID

What are you offering?

ROYCE

Jim Beam. They bought it special.

CAROLYN

Ice?

KANE

Lots just a splash of water.

DAVID

He mixed about two million of them when—back in the day.

CAROLYN

Kane?

KANE

Beer.

ROYCE

Me too.

CAROLYN

I don’t.

KANE

A beer’s fine.

DAVID

Where’s Madison?

CAROLYN

She’s changing.

ROYCE

Into someone less slutty.

DAVID

Why?

ROYCE

I saw you on the Net.

DAVID

Ah.

CAROLYN

Royce mentioned you’d done some—movies.

DAVID

Nothing worth discussing really.

ROYCE

Porn’s completely legit. Don’t be hung up.

DAVID

I’m not.

KANE

Royce.

DAVID

Carolyn let me give you a hand with those drinks.

CAROLYN

Here you go.

DAVID takes two beers and hands them to KANE and ROYCE.

DAVID

Gentlemen.

KANE

Thank you.

CAROLYN

And this is for you.

DAVID

Aren’t you having anything?

CAROLYN

I made myself a Singapore Sling.

ROYCE

There’s a time vortex in our fridge.

DAVID

Royce tell me all about yourself.

ROYCE

What nothing no.

DAVID

What high-school stereotype do you fall into?

ROYCE

Angry outsider with a gift in cyber.

DAVID

Computers?

ROYCE

Are my bitch.

DAVID

I guess there’s no point in asking if you’ve got a girlfriend.

KANE

Royce’s shy with the girls.

ROYCE

They don’t like me.

DAVID

There must be nerd girls that fancy you.

ROYCE

A couple. They’re not very hot though.

DAVID

A satisfying sexual life is all about sliding standards. Just wear a condom. And if they’re really unattractive take drugs.

CAROLYN

We’re generally not quite so candid with our children.

DAVID

He conducts himself as an adult. I assumed you spoke to him like one.

CAROLYN

Not in that particular fashion.

ROYCE

My friend Sigfreid’s dad has a twenty-two. We used it to go shoot some seagulls once. Have you ever hunted?

DAVID

Once or twice. Not really my thing.

ROYCE

It’s kinda old school but I like the shooting.

MADISON enters.

MADISON

Don’t start without me.

CAROLYN

Madison.

KANE

That wasn’t much of a change.

MADISON moves to the counter to pour herself a drink.

MADISON

Best I could do.

KANE

You remember David.

MADISON

Of course.

DAVID

I think you all look wonderful.

CAROLYN

Really?

DAVID

A very handsome family.

CAROLYN

Everyone just help yourselves. So how is being back?

DAVID

Alright.

KANE

A lot of your old gang still around?

DAVID

No.

KANE

Why not?

DAVID

Between substance abuse and AIDS they’re all pretty much drunk crazy or dead.

MADISON

That’s sad.

DAVID

It’s all just exposition now.

KANE

When’s the restaurant opening?

DAVID

Two weeks. And we might actually be ready.

MADISON

Got all the staff you need?

CAROLYN

Now.

MADISON

Kidding.

DAVID

I told you.

MADISON

Why would they possibly object to you giving me a job?

CAROLYN

It’s an—unhealthy lifestyle.

DAVID

Unhealthy lifestyle?

KANE

How is it?

DAVID

Delicious. Sort of Thai Moroccan.

CAROLYN

You’re very good.

MADISON

Have you been single since you and my dad broke up?

DAVID

I’ve had—a few relationships.

CAROLYN

Anything that lasted?

DAVID

Six years is my record. One was a very well-known movie star but I can’t tell you his name or we’ll all be killed.

CAROLYN

Everyone’s so surprised that you’re back. Someone at the opera said they thought you’d retired somewhere warm a very rich man.

DAVID

I wish. My restaurants all did well. For a while. And I was rich. For a while.

ROYCE

What happened to all your money?

DAVID

I spent it on my cat.

KANE

Mr. Nippers?

DAVID

Yes.

CAROLYN

You know this cat?

KANE

I bought him for David when we moved in together.

MADISON

A little gay cat child. How touching.

DAVID

Sweet Mr. Nippers had a kidney infection thyroid condition and bowel dysfunction that cost me thousands of dollars the last ten years he was alive. Trying to keep a floundering restaurant afloat while medicating your cat eight times a day is no picnic.

CAROLYN

Much easier than children.

DAVID

And thankfully cats die at the same age most kids really start to resent their parents.

MADISON laughs.

MADISON

Too true.

DAVID

And what are your long-term goals Madison?

MADISON

To never wear earrings that are too big for my face.

KANE

Maddy’s good at so many things she always has trouble deciding.

CAROLYN

We think university might help her.

MADISON

Mother stop.

KANE

You’ve outdone yourself on dinner dear.

ROYCE

Not bad.

MADISON

She doesn’t do this for just anyone.

ROYCE

Let alone the guy who useta do my dad.

KANE

Royce.

CAROLYN

Maddy have a bit more to eat.

MADISON

I’m not hungry.

ROYCE

She hardly ever eats.

MADISON

It’s discipline not anorexia as the fat people are implying.

DAVID

I got that.

MADISON

It’s quite inspiring the mature way you’ve all handled this reunion.

KANE

How else could we react?

DAVID

Times are different now.

MADISON

I bet a lot of people were freaked out about it at the time though.

KANE

You could say that.

MADISON

Is that why your parents disowned you?

Pause.

KANE

Yes.

DAVID

Those people with the nice paintings disowned you?

KANE

Pretty much.

ROYCE

Why’d you tell us they were dead?

KANE

It was.

MADISON

Easier?

KANE

Yes.

CAROLYN

Unfortunately we never got the chance to repair that rift.

KANE

There was no repairing that rift.

CAROLYN

They would’ve forgiven you.

KANE

Never.

CAROLYN

In time. If they’d met the children.

KANE

You didn’t know them.

MADISON

They sound like horrid people.

KANE

They were.

DAVID

Kane I’m sorry.

CAROLYN

I could’ve made them understand.

ROYCE

Understand what?

CAROLYN

That Kane’s whole thing with David wasn’t real.

Pause.

DAVID

Real?

CAROLYN

Did I say that?

DAVID

Yes.

CAROLYN

I didn’t mean real—

DAVID

Good.

CAROLYN

It just wasn’t—you know—like with a man and woman. It was different. That’s what I meant. Different. Isn’t that right?

KANE

What?

CAROLYN

It was different.

KANE

Everything’s different.

CAROLYN

Kane wasn’t really gay. Not that that invalidates your relationship in any way. But he has a family now so I guess that proves something right?

KANE

Carolyn.

CAROLYN

This isn’t coming out the way it’s supposed to.

MADISON

Then why don’t you stop?

Long pause.

KANE

Who wants seconds?

DAVID

I should go.

CAROLYN

I didn’t mean to offend you.

DAVID

I’m not offended. I still have work to do tonight.

KANE

Okay.

DAVID

Thank you so much for dinner.

CAROLYN

It’s what we’d do for any old friend.

Short pause.

DAVID

You know Madison is right. If we’re such good old friends there’s absolutely no reason I shouldn’t hire her at the restaurant.

MADISON

You serious?

DAVID

Show up for training at two tomorrow.

MADISON

Thank you.

DAVID

You’re welcome. Thanks again for the terrific dinner.

DAVID exits.

ROYCE

What just happened?

MADISON

I got the job.

CAROLYN

I will not allow it.

KANE

It’s a bad idea.

MADISON laughs and clears the table.

MADISON

I got the job. I got the job.

A light rises on DAVID at the restaurant on his cell.

DAVID

How old are you? Perfect. I’m—forty. You like older guys. Good. What’s your name? I’m Ted. Are you alone Jacob? Good. What are you wearing? Great. So tell me what you like Jacob. No. We don’t have to have phone sex. I guess I’m cool to just talk if that’s what you want. Sure.

Lights rise on CAROLYN, dressed for bed. She’s brushing her hair in the mirror. KANE is changing into his pyjamas as they speak.

CAROLYN

Talk her out of it.

KANE

You know how that works with her.

CAROLYN

Nothing good will come of it.

KANE

Well if you hadn’t been so.

CAROLYN

What?

KANE

Outspoken.

CAROLYN

I didn’t mean for that to come out like that. I just—he was the one with all the excitement and glamour.

KANE

It wasn’t that exciting or glamorous. You don’t know what it’s like playing second fiddle to someone all the time.

CAROLYN

Is that why you married me?

KANE

Honey please.

CAROLYN

There’s a look in your eye. A place you go sometimes when you think no one’s looking. I know you’re thinking about him. I’ve always known.

KANE

You’ve got to let this go.

CAROLYN

It’s not something I ever understood. It doesn’t seem like you. To do that. With a man. It just doesn’t seem real.

KANE

We made a mistake. Inviting him here. Let’s admit that and get on with it. We don’t have to see him again. Madison might even hate the job.

KANE kisses CAROLYN.

CAROLYN

You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry.

KANE moves closer to her.

KANE

I have an idea for how you can make it up to me.

Lights rise on DAVID at the restaurant going through the reservation book. MADISON enters in waiter gear.

MADISON

You wanted to see me?

DAVID

I hear your training’s going quite well.

MADISON

Who knew you had to know so much to be a waiter?

DAVID

This job hasn’t created a rift at home has it?

MADISON

Everyone seems to be getting over it.

DAVID

Good. We’re opening tomorrow night and I just—I want you to know that you’ll be judged like any other waiter.

MADISON

You mean you’re not going to cut me any slack just because you gave me the job to piss my mother off?

DAVID

I wouldn’t have put it quite that way but sure.

MADISON

I’m going to be very good.

DAVID

You’d better be.

MADISON

Just watch.

MADISON exits. Light rise on the kitchen. KANE, CAROLYN and ROYCE setting food on the dinner table.

CAROLYN

Dinner.

They sit and eat in silence for a longish moment.

ROYCE

Sigfreid rimmed me last night.

KANE

Son please don’t say rimmed at the dinner table.

CAROLYN

Thank you Kane.

ROYCE

I thought personal sexual revelations over dinner are what we’re all about.

KANE

Royce.

CAROLYN

I liked it so much better when you were obsessed with Warmonger.

ROYCE

That was before my childhood had been shattered. At least now I understand why I’m so weird.

CAROLYN

Somewhere there are a whole bunch of girls just waiting for a boy like you.

ROYCE

Never invite me to that party.

CAROLYN

You’ve got to stop putting yourself down.

ROYCE

I’m just beating everyone else to it.

KANE

It won’t always be like this.

ROYCE

Right. I’m still the ugly geek they all laugh at.

CAROLYN

Who laughs at you?

ROYCE

Forget it.

KANE

Is it really that bad?

ROYCE

No.

KANE

If there’s a serious problem you need to tell us.

ROYCE

No serious problems. Everything’s fine.

Pause.

CAROLYN

Have some more carrots. I made way too many carrots.

ROYCE

No.

ROYCE exits. Pause.

CAROLYN

Carrots?

KANE

No.

They eat in silence. A light rises on DAVID at the restaurant, eating. MADISON enters.

MADISON

Eating alone’s a drag.

DAVID

I’m used to it.

MADISON

Good night.

DAVID

Things look promising but we won’t really know how we’re doing for a few months. Where have all the waiters gone?

MADISON

Comfort for last call.

DAVID

Not joining them?

MADISON

The bar’s fun once in a while but I don’t like to make it a habit.

DAVID

You’re too young to be so responsible.

MADISON

What do you do when you leave here?

DAVID

Meet with Mary think about what needs to be done tomorrow watch the news.

MADISON

You don’t go to the bars?

DAVID

I used to. Every night for twenty-five years. All over the world. It was wonderful. But these last few years. Over forty and you’re invisible.

MADISON

Don’t you even like drive around and pick up men on the street or cruise the parks or bathrooms or whatever?

DAVID

That’s not really my scene.

MADISON

So you just watch the news?

DAVID

You sound disappointed.

MADISON

We could go meet the other waiters for a drink.

DAVID

I’m bushed.

MADISON

You sure?

DAVID

Positive. Thanks for asking.

MADISON

Good night.

MADISON clears the table quickly and exits. Lights rise on ROYCE in his bedroom, on his computer. There’s a knock.

ROYCE

What?

KANE enters.

KANE

Turn the computer off.

ROYCE

Dad I’m.

KANE

Off.

ROYCE turns the computer off.

You have every right to be confused.

ROYCE

I’m not confused. You’re the popular guy who gets to have sex with everyone.

KANE

It wasn’t all about sex.

ROYCE

Oh right. You loved him.

KANE

Does that bother you?

ROYCE

Why would I care?

KANE

Because I’m not the man you thought I was.

ROYCE

I got over that when I was thirteen.

KANE

I don’t understand why you’re so cynical. We’ve tried to understand. Helped where we could.

ROYCE

I know.

KANE

But lately it’s like you have to ridicule everything I say. Fudgepacker this and buttboy that and he rimmed me. It’s getting old.

ROYCE

I’m just kidding around.

KANE

It’s not funny.

ROYCE

I don’t get it okay. I just don’t.

KANE

It’s not as simple as they make it sound Royce. Not for everyone. Some people respond to members of the same sex some respond to members of the opposite sex and.

ROYCE

Some are bi. I know the score. Jeez Dad.

KANE

Even saying bi is a simplification. It’s not about labels it’s about individuals. Does that make any sense?

ROYCE

No.

KANE

Sometimes people meet and whatever they share goes beyond sexuality.

ROYCE

Sounds romantic.

KANE

I’m not going to go around acting like I’m ashamed if that’s what you want. Love sex all of that. It’s not so easy. You’ll see someday.

ROYCE

Doubtful. Does Mom have any deep dark secrets we don’t know about?

KANE

No.

MADISON enters.

MADISON

Party?

KANE

I was just heading to bed.

MADISON

Everything okay?

KANE

Fine. Night.

KANE exits.

MADISON

What’s with him?

ROYCE

He’s still worried we hate him.

MADISON

Do you?

ROYCE

He’s Dad.

MADISON

Doesn’t mean it’s easy to get used to.

ROYCE

Whatever how was work?

MADISON flashes ROYCE a wad of bills.

MADISON

I’d say pretty fucking good.

ROYCE

Nice. Man do I need a job. Or a life. Or a shot to the head or something.

Pause.

MADISON

What’s the baby brother bummed about?

ROYCE

Fuck off.

MADISON

Royce.

ROYCE

I keep having dreams about finding my family hanging in the basement with their throats slit and their intestines pulled through wounds in their bellies. And sometimes when I’m watching TV by myself I start crying and I don’t know why and the show’s not even sad or whatever.

Pause.

MADISON

Are you trying to come out to me?

ROYCE

No.

MADISON

It’s alright if you are.

ROYCE

I’m not. Now get out.

Lights rise on DAVID restocking the bar, on the cellphone.

DAVID

Marcelle I need another two cases of the Zinfandel you sold me last week. Yeah I sold out. If you ate here once in a while you’d know why. Next time you’re in talk to me and we’ll book something for you—on the house. Great. Two cases.

ROYCE enters.

Hey.

ROYCE

Madison done yet?

DAVID

She might be a while.

ROYCE

Thought I’d give her a ride home.

DAVID

On a Friday night?

ROYCE

Yeah.

DAVID

That’s tragic.

ROYCE

Yeah what’s up with you?

DAVID

This is my life.

Pause.

Do you want a coffee or something?

ROYCE

I’m fine.

DAVID

I have to finish restocking the bar.

ROYCE

Can I give you a hand?

DAVID

Thanks. It’s okay.

Pause as ROYCE watches DAVID work.

ROYCE

Why’d you do that shit on the Net?

DAVID

The porn?

ROYCE

Yeah.

DAVID

I was—proving something.

ROYCE

What?

DAVID

That AIDS didn’t have the power to ruin my sex life.

ROYCE

Who were you proving it to?

DAVID

Myself. Everyone. I don’t know. It was a pretty messed-up time. Honestly I needed the money.

ROYCE

They pay you a lot?

DAVID

I don’t think your mother would approve of this conversation.

ROYCE

That’s why I’m having it with you.

DAVID

You’re the computer dude. You’ve seen worse.

ROYCE

Oh yeah. Chicks with dicks guys with pies pop on top K-9 brown-eye. Everything.

DAVID

I guess finding out about me is nothing compared to—whatever it was you just said.

ROYCE

I dunno. Like some stuff makes sense now.

DAVID

Such as?

ROYCE

He was never like other dads.

DAVID

No?

ROYCE

Too creative and smart. And he’s into antiques and shit. Fabrics. He loves fabrics. But he’s not femmy. Most guys like that are femmy.

DAVID

Is he a good father?

ROYCE

In a boring good-father way can I have a job?

Pause.

DAVID

It would be—awkward with Madison here.

ROYCE

Why?

DAVID

I can’t have outside—family—issues creeping into work.

ROYCE

Sure.

DAVID

Besides.

ROYCE

What?

DAVID

You’re too bright. Bright busboys are always a pain in the ass because they know how much their job sucks. Why don’t I go see what’s keeping your sister?

ROYCE

Okay great thanks.

DAVID exits. A light rises on MADISON in the kitchen making pancakes. CAROLYN is at the table drinking coffee and reading the paper.

MADISON

Two or four?

CAROLYN

Two. Your father will want four and Royce will have six but only eat five. I can’t believe you’re doing this after getting in at three thirty-seven.

MADISON

I thought it would be nice.

CAROLYN

What do you do after closing?

MADISON

Hang out for drinks and talk.

CAROLYN

With who?

MADISON

The other waiters staff whoever.

CAROLYN

David?

MADISON

Once in a while.

CAROLYN

Dad’s assistant quit.

KANE enters.

KANE

She’s going on some reality show and they need to rehearse for two months.

MADISON

Reality’s not what it used to be.

KANE

Interested in the position?

MADISON

Not an iota.

MADISON serves them pancakes.

KANE

What time did Royce get in?

CAROLYN

Twelve thirteen.

MADISON

Do you ever sleep?

CAROLYN

An hour here and there.

MADISON

Bacon?

KANE

I can’t.

MADISON

It’s turkey bacon.

KANE

I really can’t.

CAROLYN

I will.

ROYCE enters.

ROYCE

Could everyone please talk louder.

CAROLYN

Good morning.

MADISON

I made pancakes.

ROYCE

Yippee.

MADISON

With a raspberry compote.

ROYCE

Compote?

KANE

With a splash of Grand Marnier?

MADISON

Yeah.

CAROLYN

David taught you how to make that.

MADISON

How did you know?

CAROLYN

Your father made it for me once. On our honeymoon. I later found out it was David’s favourite.

KANE

Nobody doesn’t like raspberry compote.

MADISON

He did suggest it.

CAROLYN

Of course.

They all eat.

ROYCE

Wow.

KANE

That’s very good.

CAROLYN

I prefer good old-fashioned maple syrup myself.

ROYCE

Is this fucking turkey bacon?

CAROLYN

After breakfast we’re going to see Grandpa Carver.

KANE

Are we?

MADISON

Why?

ROYCE

He keeps calling me Ronnie.

CAROLYN

That was.

ROYCE

His brother. Yeah.

MADISON

I hate the smell of that place.

ROYCE

He always cries when he sees us.

CAROLYN

Because he loves us so much.

MADISON

Because he knows we put him in there.

CAROLYN

He likes to see us as a family.

MADISON

He doesn’t know who we are.

KANE

Your mother’s right. We should do more together. The drive will be nice.

ROYCE

Our visits mean nothing to him.

CAROLYN

But they mean a lot to me.

MADISON’s cellphone rings.

MADISON

Hi David. Really. Well. Okay. No problem. Great.

CAROLYN

What?

MADISON

The coke addict called in sick again.

KANE

You have to work.

CAROLYN

What will we tell Grandpa?

MADISON

Anything you want. He won’t remember. I’ve gotta get some zees.

CAROLYN

Who’s cleaning up?

MADISON

Anyone who didn’t cook. And I’m taking your car.

MADISON exits.

KANE

I’ll get the dishes.

CAROLYN

Aren’t you going to come up with some excuse too?

ROYCE

You kidding? Grandpa Carver’s the only person who can make me feel alright about my social life.

KANE

You can drive.

ROYCE

Great.

Lights rise on DAVID going through the reservation book. MADISON is there.

DAVID

You saved the day.

MADISON

You saved me from a trip to see Grandpa Carver.

DAVID

We won’t be seeing Max again.

MADISON

He was stealing from the bar.

DAVID

Drug addicts always are.

MADISON

I was going to tell you.

DAVID

That’s not your responsibility.

MADISON

So.

Pause.

DAVID

Go ahead.

MADISON

When I was driving here. It just kinda hit me. I mean I’d never really considered it before and I was just kinda—I don’t know.

DAVID

What are you talking about?

MADISON

You fucked my father.

Pause.

DAVID

Why would you think about that?

MADISON

Uh—you were lovers.

DAVID

Jesus Madison.

MADISON

Well?

DAVID

Let’s just say people with really nice bums usually get them for a reason.

MADISON laughs.

That’s not quite the reaction I expected.

MADISON

Please. Ass is the new vagina.

DAVID

Charming.

MADISON

How do you think all those uptight girls manage to stay “virgins” until they get married. And I’ve never dated a guy who didn’t eventually try to get me to insert something—anything really—into his butt.

DAVID

Straight people are always stealing our best ideas.

MADISON

Was he always the bottom?

DAVID

Quit asking so many questions about your father and get to work.

MADISON

Yes sir.

MADISON salutes and exits. Lights rise on ROYCE, CAROLYN and KANE walking to the car.

CAROLYN

I wish he’d die.

KANE

Honey.

CAROLYN

If he knew what he was doing he’d want to.

ROYCE

That was so majorly disgusting.

KANE

It’s a terrible disease.

CAROLYN

He lectured on Chaucer and gave tony cocktail parties for visiting writers.

ROYCE

Seriously?

CAROLYN

I know he’d rather be dead.

ROYCE

We should kill him.

KANE

Stop.

ROYCE

It’s what he’d want.

KANE

We don’t know what he wants.

ROYCE

So you’re saying if you ever become a drooling idiot who pulls his dick out and cranks it whenever your family comes to visit you don’t want us to kill you?

Pause.

KANE

Shut up.

ROYCE

But really.

CAROLYN

I wish he’d die.

KANE

I’d want you to kill me.

Lights rise on the restaurant. DAVID is closing up the bar. MADISON enters with two plates of food.

MADISON

Sorry about the salmon controversy.

DAVID

Everyone makes mistakes.

MADISON

Not me.

DAVID

Even you.

MADISON

And you?

DAVID

I’ve made many mistakes.

MADISON

Like Dad?

DAVID

You’re supposed to stop asking about him.

MADISON

Sorry but parents are so strange.

DAVID

They’re just people.

MADISON

What about yours?

DAVID

I’m the illegitimate offspring of Wonder Woman and the Empire State Building.

MADISON

But really.

DAVID

Haven’t seen them in years.

MADISON

Why not?

DAVID

Not really my kind of people.

MADISON

It’s got to be hard to give up a family. Even a bad one.

DAVID

It’s how fags escape from the trailer parks and small towns of their white-trash boyhoods.

MADISON

They’re your family. You’re supposed to love each other forever.

DAVID

There are very few relationships that are meant to last forever. And if they do it’s never without major renovation.

MADISON

Everyone I know’s terrified of their relationship failing.

DAVID

Just because a relationship’s over doesn’t mean it’s failed.

MADISON

I hope to have a relationship some day.

DAVID

You will.

MADISON

With someone bright and well-hung?

DAVID

It’s not impossible but relatively rare.

CAROLYN

You want to come to Comfort?

DAVID

It’s not good form for management to party with the staff.

MADISON

Fuck good form. It’ll let everyone know you’re not as uptight as you seem.

DAVID

Uptight?

MADISON

A coupla drinks.

DAVID

Who’s going?

MADISON

Marvin Willett Debra everyone.

ROYCE enters.

DAVID

Hi Royce.

MADISON

I told you to call before you came by.

ROYCE

I was in the hood.

MADISON

I’m going out.

ROYCE

Oh okay sorry. You need a ride?

DAVID

I’m fine thanks.

Short pause.

ROYCE

Alright.

ROYCE exits.

DAVID

You could’ve invited him.

MADISON

No way. You coming?

DAVID

Yeah sure.

Lights rise on CAROLYN in bed, reading. KANE enters from the bathroom wearing his pyjama bottoms.

KANE

This belly’s getting out of control.

CAROLYN

You’ve still got a nice ass.

KANE

You’re the one who kept her body.

CAROLYN

Except for my saggy tits.

KANE

You’ll always be that same hot girl Attila introduced me to at the Drink Exchange.

CAROLYN

That girl and her perky tits are gone.

KANE stops in front of the mirror to pluck some shoulder hairs.

KANE

Not in my eyes.

CAROLYN

Any sign of the kids?

KANE

No.

CAROLYN

Royce has the car?

KANE

Gets him outa the fucking house for a change.

CAROLYN

What do you think he does?

KANE

Drives around listening to music and thinking about himself.

CAROLYN

And Madison?

KANE

She’s making a million new friends and trying a million new things. Let’s just leave it at that. Check my back for hairs.

CAROLYN inspects KANE’s back.

CAROLYN

It’s all just so.

KANE

What are we going to do?

CAROLYN

Do?

KANE

When they’re gone.

CAROLYN

I don’t know.

KANE

It’ll be strange.

CAROLYN

Like starting over again.

CAROLYN pulls a hair out.

KANE

Ow. Yeah.

CAROLYN

It’s really.

KANE

I know.

CAROLYN

I mean really.

KANE

I know.

Lights rise on DAVID and MADISON on the street. They’re searching for a cab, both a bit drunk.

DAVID

I’ll hail you a cab.

MADISON

I have them on speed-dial.

MADISON speed-dials her cellphone.

MADISON

I need a cab at Comfort. Great.

DAVID

How long?

MADISON

Pretty quick. We’re downtown.

DAVID

I’ll wait with you.

MADISON

It’s okay.

DAVID

At this time of night? I’ll wait.

MADISON

You should head off to some corn-holing festival.

DAVID

No thanks.

MADISON

You’re alone too much.

DAVID

I’m fine.

MADISON

I worry about you.

DAVID

Don’t.

MADISON

When was the last time you saw Dad?

DAVID

Montreal.

MADISON

Really?

DAVID

A year or so after we’d broken up. I was opening a swank room while learning French and he was buying antiques or something. We ran into each other on St. Catherine.

MADISON

Big coincidence?

DAVID

My life’s like that.

MADISON

Did you talk?

DAVID

Briefly. Here comes your cab.

MADISON

I had fun.

DAVID

Me too.

MADISON gives DAVID a sudden kiss. It lingers for a moment before DAVID steps out of it.

Your cab.

MADISON

Yeah. Over here.

DAVID

Good night.

MADISON

Night.

Lights rise on CAROLYN in the kitchen making cocoa. MADISON enters.

CAROLYN

Two forty-three.

MADISON

Mom I think Royce is like really depressed or something.

CAROLYN

What makes you say that?

MADISON

Aren’t you aware of how much time he spends alone? He has no friends.

CAROLYN

He has friends on the Net.

MADISON

Net friends aren’t real.

CAROLYN

What about Sigfreid?

MADISON

He hardly sees him anymore.

CAROLYN

What do you want me to do?

MADISON

Someone needs to talk to him.

CAROLYN

I’ve tried to get him to open up. So has your father.

MADISON

He keeps coming by work at inappropriate times. I think he’s trying to reach out or something.

CAROLYN

Are you that concerned?

MADISON

He’s having nightmares and crying jags. Don’t you hear him at night?

CAROLYN

I thought he was—masturbating.

MADISON

Mother.

CAROLYN

I’ll talk to your father.

MADISON

As soon as possible.

CAROLYN

Okay.

MADISON

Go to bed.

CAROLYN

I’ll never get to sleep now.

Lights rise on DAVID walking to his apartment building. ROYCE is sitting on the steps.

DAVID

Royce?

ROYCE

Hey.

DAVID

This is a surprise.

ROYCE

I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

Pause.

DAVID

Have you followed me here before?

ROYCE

You went out with my sister.

DAVID

We met some people for drinks.

ROYCE

You like her?

DAVID

Yes.

ROYCE

Everyone likes her.

DAVID

She’s very personable.

ROYCE

Why am I a loser?

DAVID

The losers in school are the ones who prove themselves in adulthood.

ROYCE

Were you a loser in high school?

DAVID

No.

ROYCE

They laugh at me.

DAVID

Who?

ROYCE

All of them. They always have. They call me names. Push me into my locker. Knock my books out of my hands. Punch me in the face after they have a fight with their girlfriends. Shove my head in the toilet if they catch me in the can.

DAVID

You need to stand up to them.

ROYCE

Like I could ever do that and live.

DAVID

Transfer schools.

ROYCE

I’ve done that. I still end up being the geek everyone picks on. It started in the first grade and never really stopped.

DAVID

What do you plan to do when you’re finished school?

ROYCE

Be one of those guys who lives in their parents’ basement until they’re forty.

DAVID

That’s your plan?

ROYCE

It’s more like a destiny.

DAVID

What do you really enjoy?

ROYCE

I don’t—computer games I guess.

DAVID

Okay. Good. So concentrate on computer games. Design them. Change them.

ROYCE

I suck at creative shit.

Pause.

DAVID

I don’t know what else to say.

ROYCE

There’s something wrong with me.

DAVID

Wrong how?

ROYCE

I’m like beyond average. Super average or something.

DAVID

Adulthood is different. You can move somewhere else and completely reinvent yourself. A number of times if you have to. Find someone else to emulate. Adopt traits you find attractive in others. It can be done. Trust me.

ROYCE

People shouldn’t tell ordinary kids they’re special. It fucks them up when they get older and realize they’re not special.

Pause.

DAVID

Royce it’s very late.

ROYCE

Do you want me to come up?

DAVID

Come up?

ROYCE

To your apartment.

DAVID

For what?

ROYCE

Talking whatever.

DAVID

You should go home.

Pause.

ROYCE

If I was a hot guy you would’ve hired me.

DAVID

And if I was a beautiful woman I’d be a movie star. What’s your point?

ROYCE

Nothing night thanks.

DAVID

Take it easy.

ROYCE exits. DAVID watches him leave. A light rises on KANE waiting in the kitchen, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette in front of the open window. ROYCE enters. KANE tosses the cigarette out the window.

ROYCE

Aren’t you afraid of giving all of us cancer?

KANE

Your mother is upstairs trying to convince herself you haven’t been killed in an accident.

ROYCE

Lost track.

KANE

Where did you go?

ROYCE

Nowhere.

KANE

You know you’re not supposed to have the car out this late.

ROYCE

I buy gas.

KANE

I think you should—talk to a professional.

ROYCE

Professional what?

KANE

Counsellor or therapist.

ROYCE

You think I’m crazy.

KANE

I think you might need some.

ROYCE

I don’t.

KANE

We’re your family.

ROYCE

I’m nothing like you people.

KANE

You’re part of us.

ROYCE

You’re pissed.

KANE

I’ve had three beers.

ROYCE

I’m fine.

KANE

What’s the harm in talking to someone?

ROYCE

I don’t want to.

KANE

I know you’ve been having a rough time.

ROYCE

You don’t know anything.

KANE

There are issues.

ROYCE

There are no fucking issues.

KANE

Things we should.

ROYCE

I’m not discussing anything with anyone.

KANE

What do you want me to do?

ROYCE

Make me not ugly. Teach me to understand how people work.

KANE

You’re not ugly.

ROYCE

Quit lying to me.

CAROLYN enters.

CAROLYN

Everything okay?

ROYCE

Dad’s acting creepy.

KANE

Stop it.

CAROLYN

You can’t use the car anymore.

ROYCE

Like I care.

ROYCE exits.

CAROLYN

I can tell that went well.

KANE

He’s got a terrible attitude.

CAROLYN

You know confrontation doesn’t work with him.

KANE

I did my best.

KANE moves to exit.

CAROLYN

Where are you going?

KANE

Outside for a cigarette.

CAROLYN

Fine.

Lights rise on MADISON setting tables at the restaurant. DAVID is setting plates of food and a carafe of wine on another table.

DAVID

Shrimp sautéed in garlic and olive oil over penne. And wine.

MADISON

Sounds great.

DAVID

It was the least I could do after you picked up those extra tables.

MADISON joins DAVID.

MADISON

Who knew Alena would have a meltdown?

DAVID

She’s pregnant poor thing.

MADISON

Bummer. Delicious. Wow.

DAVID

Don’t let it go to your head but I think you do an amazing job on the floor Maddy.

MADISON

Blame it on the fascist who runs the dump.

DAVID

Quality counts.

MADISON

You ever had sex with a woman?

DAVID

You have no internal censor at all do you?

MADISON

No so?

DAVID

A few. Not in a very long time.

MADISON

I’ve had sex with a couple women.

DAVID

Good for you.

MADISON

I guess that’s why I didn’t freak out when I found out about Dad and you. I know what it’s like to want to try different things.

DAVID

Your father’s daughter.

MADISON

Gay is so over. The word doesn’t really mean anything anymore. Like Negro or Jewess. It’s all just sex. I could probably have a relationship with a girl. If she had a cock. I really like cock.

DAVID

Who doesn’t?

MADISON

When I was fifteen I got this crush on this client of my dad’s. He was this divorced guy in his mid-thirties.

DAVID

An older man.

MADISON

We used to meet at this hotel once a week and fuck like pigs. He told the staff I was his niece. I told my folks I was tutoring retards for extra karma. He moved to San Diego and married some fucking telephone exec bitch his own age my graduating year. I was like functionally depressed for eight months. Really.

DAVID

Why don’t you go out with boys your own age?

MADISON

They’re really bad sex.

DAVID

You have to teach them what to do.

MADISON

Get a hooker. I think I’m a fag. In a woman’s body. I understand you guys too well. I get it. Well not some of those old singers but the sex and everything else. I get it.

DAVID

Why are you telling me all this?

MADISON

Because I really want to fuck you.

Pause.

DAVID

I’m—management.

MADISON

David.

DAVID

I’m gay.

MADISON

Doesn’t mean anything.

MADISON begins to move toward DAVID.

DAVID

I don’t even know if.

MADISON

You’ve done porn.

DAVID

Stay back.

MADISON puts her arms around DAVID’s neck.

MADISON

I have condoms.

DAVID

You’re only doing this because of my connection to your father.

MADISON

I prefer men who are nothing like my father.

Pause.

DAVID

This isn’t real.

MADISON

What is?

They kiss suddenly and passionately. They begin to undo one another’s clothes. Fade to black.