ACT ONE
Lights rise on the Sawatsky kitchen. CAROLYN is filling the dishwasher with items from the sink. MADISON enters.
MADISON
Hey.
CAROLYN
Back already?
MADISON
I need to change my top.
CAROLYN
Why?
MADISON
The last place was über casual. This one’s a little more classic.
CAROLYN
Who knew looking for a job was so complicated?
MADISON
Adulthood involves way too many different outfits.
MADISON exits. KANE enters.
KANE
Hello.
CAROLYN
You’re early.
KANE
We’re celebrating.
CAROLYN
What’s the occasion?
They kiss quickly. He gives her a squeeze.
KANE
The Liebowskis loved everything about our design and I was able to get a big fat cheque out of them. I think we can now replace the furnace.
CAROLYN
I told you that design was brilliant.
KANE
They loved the chenille. Perfect choice again.
They kiss again, more passionately.
When are the kids expected?
CAROLYN
Maddy’s upstairs right now.
KANE
So no time for a quick bit of.
CAROLYN
None.
KANE
Damn.
CAROLYN
Later.
KANE
Promise.
They kiss again. MADISON enters changed.
MADISON
Hey Pop.
KANE
How’s the job hunting?
MADISON
There’s not a lot out there.
CAROLYN
A job wouldn’t be an issue if you were in university.
MADISON
What’s the point of paying for an education if you don’t know what you want to do?
ROYCE enters.
ROYCE
Howdy.
KANE
Hey Royce. Anything cool happen today?
ROYCE
Yeah. High school’s just full of cool things that happen. When’s dinner?
CAROLYN
About an hour.
ROYCE
Call me.
ROYCE exits.
MADISON
I need the car.
CAROLYN
Why?
MADISON
There’s a new restaurant looking for servers and I’m already late.
CAROLYN
Do you really think working in a restaurant is going to be that much more interesting than working in a store?
MADISON
Are you kidding? Kara’s working at the Poplars and you should see the money she’s making. After five or six hours a night.
CAROLYN
But those late night shifts.
MADISON
Work for me.
KANE throws MADISON his keys.
KANE
Here you go.
CAROLYN
Don’t speed.
MADISON
Back in a flash.
MADISON exits.
CAROLYN
Let’s hope this one pans out.
KANE
It’s not easy getting a full-time job.
CAROLYN
Sweetie—she’s twenty-one years old. She can’t sell lip gloss at a kiosk three nights a week anymore.
KANE
It’s still very young.
CAROLYN
Are you forgetting some of the things you’d done at that age?
KANE
They’re our babies.
CAROLYN takes him in her arms.
CAROLYN
I like to think we didn’t raise the kind of kids who live at home until they’re thirty.
KANE
Would that be so bad?
CAROLYN
Yes it would.
A light on DAVID at the restaurant, seated at one of the tables doing paperwork. MADISON enters.
MADISON
Hi.
DAVID
Hello.
MADISON
You need waiters?
DAVID
Yes.
MADISON
I’m Madison.
DAVID
Hi Madison. David McMillan. Have we met before?
MADISON
I don’t think so.
DAVID
You seem familiar.
MADISON hands him her resumé.
MADISON
Okay. I brought my resumé.
DAVID
Do you have restaurant experience?
MADISON
No but I’ve got a lot of retail. Part-time.
DAVID
We’re really looking for experienced waiters. I’d have to start you as a bus-person or on the coat check.
MADISON
That’s fine.
DAVID
Sawatsky?
MADISON
Yes.
DAVID
You’re not related to Kane Sawatsky are you?
MADISON
He’s my dad. You know him?
DAVID
No not a bit a long time ago.
MADISON
Cool. Should I say hi for you?
DAVID
If you like. In all honesty Madison we are looking for people with experience in the business.
MADISON
I’m a very quick learner.
DAVID
I’m sure you are.
MADISON
I’m happy to bus or whatever.
DAVID
I’m afraid all the positions have been filled. Thanks for stopping by.
MADISON
Okay. Bye. Thanks.
MADISON exits. Lights rise on the Sawatsky kitchen. ROYCE is at the table. KANE and CAROLYN are making dinner.
KANE
Did you look at those fabric samples I left on your desk?
CAROLYN
The pumpkin’s too garish and that tweed stuff is an interesting colour but too itchy looking.
KANE
What about the aubergine?
CAROLYN
Loved the aubergine.
KANE
Whadaya wanna bet that Liebowski job leads to some big-time referrals?
CAROLYN
That’s what we’re hoping for.
ROYCE
Are those the west-end Liebowskis whose daughter joined that sperm cult?
KANE
I have no idea.
CAROLYN
Sperm cult?
ROYCE
Self-explanatory Ma.
MADISON enters.
KANE
Just in time.
MADISON
I’m not hungry.
CAROLYN
What’s wrong?
KANE
Did the interview go that badly?
MADISON
I got stiffed because the guy knows you.
CAROLYN
Really?
MADISON
Yeah he seemed all interested until he found out you’re my dad.
KANE
What’s his name?
MADISON
McMillan.
CAROLYN
David?
KANE
David McMillan?
MADISON
That’s right. Good shape. Nice hair. A bit you know.
Long pause.
What?
CAROLYN
Kane the sauce is burning.
KANE
Shit sorry damn.
CAROLYN
Everything’s ready.
ROYCE
Why are you acting weird?
KANE
Madison sit.
CAROLYN
Is the sauce?
KANE
Yes. You?
CAROLYN
Yes. Go.
KANE
Hot stuff.
CAROLYN
Careful.
KANE
Sweet and sour pork chops.
CAROLYN
Grilled okra.
MADISON
Uh—guys.
KANE
Just.
CAROLYN
Eat.
MADISON
Who is David McMillan?
KANE
He was.
CAROLYN
Just a.
KANE
Friend.
CAROLYN
Of your father’s.
KANE
A long time ago.
ROYCE
What kinda friend?
KANE
Just you know a friend like you have.
CAROLYN
When you have friends.
KANE
Yeah.
MADISON
So why’d he blow me off then?
KANE
We—aren’t close anymore.
MADISON
Why not?
KANE
We just.
CAROLYN
Grew apart.
ROYCE
Was he a good friend?
KANE
At one time.
CAROLYN
No more talking. Eat.
They eat. Pause.
MADISON
He seemed gay.
Pause.
Is he?
CAROLYN
Yes.
ROYCE
You had a gay friend?
KANE
Yes.
MADISON
So was he like your boyfriend or something? Is that why everyone’s acting so weird?
Long pause.
Omigod.
ROYCE
Get out.
CAROLYN
It’s ancient history.
MADISON
Are you kidding?
ROYCE
You’re a fudgepacker?
KANE
I’m not sure we should use the term fudgepacker.
MADISON
Are you more comfortable with queer?
KANE
I don’t think this is.
CAROLYN
Something we need to.
KANE
Discuss.
CAROLYN
Right now.
ROYCE
You had a boyfriend?
KANE
I he we had a relationship.
ROYCE
Relationship?
MADISON
Did you live with him?
KANE
For two years.
MADISON
Wow.
ROYCE
And you’re telling us now because?
KANE
You asked.
Long pause.
We can talk about it if you’re.
MADISON
I’m outa here.
CAROLYN
You haven’t eaten a thing.
MADISON
I said I wasn’t hungry.
KANE
Any time you want. We can talk.
MADISON
Great. Thanks.
CAROLYN
Where are you going?
MADISON
Armand’s.
CAROLYN
Who’s Armand?
MADISON
My friend.
CAROLYN
Are you sure you wouldn’t rather?
MADISON
What? Talk about the man Dad used to live with?
KANE
If you want.
MADISON
Later.
MADISON exits.
CAROLYN
We’ve all done things in our pasts that we’re ashamed of.
KANE
Young people are supposed to try different things.
ROYCE
Like packing fudge.
KANE
Stop saying that. I just.
ROYCE
What?
KANE
It was a first-time thing.
ROYCE
It isn’t bad enough having a father who’s artistic and tasteful—but he turns out to be gay too.
KANE
One relationship with a man doesn’t make me gay.
ROYCE
What does it make you then?
CAROLYN
Complicated. Being an adult’s complicated.
ROYCE
If you say so.
KANE
We always taught you that life was about making choices. That there’s nothing wrong with being different.
ROYCE
And now I get why.
KANE
Are you angry?
ROYCE
No.
CAROLYN
Where are you going?
ROYCE
To a fag bar to meet a child molester.
ROYCE exits.
CAROLYN
He’s angry.
KANE
Should we have lied?
CAROLYN
They can always tell.
KANE
And they would’ve heard it from someone else. Eventually.
CAROLYN
I think we should’ve lied.
KANE
I think you’re right.
A light on DAVID at his desk. He’s reviewing resumés as he speaks on his cellphone earpiece.
DAVID
I didn’t tell anyone I was selling my condo. I didn’t want to be talked out of it. The fact that I’ve been gone for nearly five months and you just noticed should be explanation enough. Don’t take it so personally. Yes. I promise Clive. Everything. I’ll email you.
Lights rise on KANE, outside of the house, smoking and pacing. MADISON enters.
MADISON
Dad.
KANE
Hey. How’s Armand?
MADISON
Controlled by television. Are you smoking?
He stubs the cigarette out quickly.
KANE
No yeah I’m just I’m not starting again.
MADISON
Your life.
KANE
Do you think less of me?
MADISON
For smoking?
KANE
For having had a boyfriend.
MADISON
You loved him?
KANE
I thought I did.
MADISON
So are you a straight man who fell in love with a gay guy a gay guy who decided to have a family or a bi guy with a rare sense of commitment?
KANE
I’m mostly straight.
MADISON
What about the whole born straight or born gay thing?
KANE
I don’t think that applies to everyone.
MADISON
Where does Mom fit into this picture?
KANE lights another cigarette.
KANE
She we met after the breakup.
MADISON
But she always knew.
KANE
Of course. It wasn’t a secret.
MADISON
When did you see him last?
KANE
The day I moved out.
MADISON
You don’t wanna talk about this.
KANE
It doesn’t matter anymore.
MADISON
Then why are you smoking again?
KANE
Because I’m scared my children hate me.
MADISON
I don’t hate you.
KANE
Thanks.
MADISON
It was just you know.
KANE
I know.
They embrace.
MADISON
Now chuck those cigarettes before Ma gets a whiff of you.
MADISON exits. A light rises on CAROLYN at the kitchen table working on her laptop. ROYCE enters.
CAROLYN
It’s twelve forty-nine.
ROYCE
You should be in bed.
CAROLYN
I have to finish this payroll.
ROYCE
Is Dad asleep?
CAROLYN
Yeah. He’s smoking again. Where were you?
ROYCE
Sigfreid’s.
CAROLYN
Don’t be angry at your father.
ROYCE
I’d prefer not to know anything about your sex lives.
CAROLYN
It was one short period of his life a long time ago.
ROYCE
We checked that guy out on the Net.
CAROLYN
Why would he be on the Net?
ROYCE
Everyone’s on the Net. He’s done porn.
CAROLYN
No. Really?
ROYCE
Totally. Daddy Does Dallas and Wide Load in the Rear. I downloaded a few stills if you want to.
CAROLYN
No thank you very much. I wish you’d stay away from that stuff.
ROYCE
Right. It’s everywhere.
CAROLYN
I never would’ve thought—porn.
ROYCE
Jeez you act like there’s something wrong with it.
CAROLYN
Isn’t there?
ROYCE
Only if you’re like really old. He’s had quite a few restaurants too. Some really swish place in New York. Did you know him?
CAROLYN
Not really. Your father was in the process of breaking up with him when we met.
ROYCE
Were you the other woman?
CAROLYN
Don’t be ridiculous. Go to bed. Now.
Lights rise on DAVID in the restaurant. He’s testing fabrics for tablecloths and napkins against the colours of the room, muttering to himself. MADISON enters carrying a newspaper.
MADISON
Hi.
DAVID
Hello—Madison?
MADISON
That’s right.
DAVID
What can I do for you?
MADISON
I thought all the jobs were taken.
DAVID
They are.
MADISON
Then why are you still advertising for “waiter bus and bar staff”?
DAVID
The ad runs for a pre-set period.
MADISON
I think you’re scared to hire me because you were my dad’s boyfriend.
DAVID
They told you?
MADISON
Sure.
DAVID
Then I’m sure you can understand why I can’t give you a job.
MADISON
Not really.
DAVID
It would be—uncomfortable.
MADISON
Because you’re still in love with him?
DAVID
No.
MADISON
Then what’s the problem?
DAVID
You’re parents wouldn’t approve.
MADISON
I’m a grown-up.
DAVID
It’s a bad idea.
MADISON
They speak very highly of you.
DAVID
They do?
MADISON
Sounds like you were quite the influence.
DAVID
That’s one way of putting it.
MADISON
How did you meet him?
DAVID
We worked at a restaurant. He was my busboy.
MADISON
Sounds romantic.
DAVID
It was fun.
MADISON
They were both delighted when I told them I’d met you.
DAVID
No they weren’t.
MADISON
It was a long time ago. Everybody’s over whatever happened by now right?
DAVID
You’d think so.
MADISON
They’d like to see you.
DAVID
Yeah right.
MADISON
I could probably get them to invite you for dinner.
DAVID
But you couldn’t get me to come.
MADISON
You could meet my brother. See the whole family together. Then you’ll be able to see there’s no lingering whatevernesses and you can give me a job. Whadaya say?
DAVID
No. Now please go away and never bother me again.
Pause.
MADISON
Now I see why he left you.
DAVID
Is that what he told you?
MADISON
Bye.
MADISON exits. Lights rise on the kitchen. ROYCE works with his laptop at the table. KANE and CAROLYN are preparing to go out.
ROYCE
Did you know we lost thirty percent of the polar ice cap last year?
CAROLYN
I’m not surprised.
KANE
It’s so disturbing.
ROYCE
Polar bears are practically extinct.
KANE
Not to mention the suicide rate among the Inuit.
CAROLYN
Whose idea of after-dinner conversation is this?
ROYCE
I’m doing a report.
KANE
I watched a TV show.
MADISON enters.
MADISON
Sorry I’m late.
CAROLYN
You’re supposed to call.
MADISON
My cell ran outa juice. Who died?
CAROLYN
For the opera.
MADISON
Ew.
ROYCE
Where were you?
MADISON
I went back to McMillan’s restaurant.
KANE
Why?
MADISON
I need a job.
KANE
He already turned you down.
ROYCE
She was checking him out.
MADISON
I was so.
KANE
Madison.
MADISON
He won’t give me the job because he thinks it would be a problem for you guys.
CAROLYN
It would be a problem for us guys.
MADISON
Why?
KANE
Because we don’t want him back in our lives.
MADISON
Why would you think my working for him would bring him back into your lives?
KANE
Because he’s David McMillan.
MADISON
I thought it might be nice if you guys asked him to dinner. Just to prove that—you know—everything’s cool.
KANE
Forget it. You’re not to go back there again. Ever. This subject is closed.
MADISON
Dad.
KANE
Closed.
Very long pause.
ROYCE
He’s got like a really fat dick.
KANE
Goddammit Royce.
A light rises on DAVID in the restaurant. He is cleaning the bar and talking on his cellphone earpiece.
DAVID
I dreamed about him last night. It’s strange. She doesn’t really look like him but some of the things she says. The way she moves. I haven’t dreamed about him in years. It was just short. We were in bed and he curled his back against my body the way he used to and I let my arm fall across his chest. I could feel him breathing. Then I woke up. Boring. Now tell me what’s happening with you.
Lights rise on KANE and CAROLYN walking to their car.
CAROLYN
He practically winked at you.
KANE
Stop.
CAROLYN
He did. He said I hear David’s back in town and then he all but winked at you. And the way Sylvia was smiling. Creepy.
KANE
If Maddy hadn’t.
CAROLYN
But she did.
KANE
Why did he come back?
CAROLYN
I don’t know but everyone in town’s aware of it.
KANE
You’re exaggerating.
CAROLYN
I know when people are talking about us. We have to do something.
KANE
What?
CAROLYN
Take Madison’s suggestion to heart and invite him to dinner.
KANE
Seriously?
CAROLYN
Now that the cat’s out of the bag we have no choice.
KANE
Sweetie it’s a very bad idea.
CAROLYN
Would you rather wait to bump into him somewhere where we don’t expect it? When we’re both looking terrible?
KANE
Christ no.
CAROLYN
It’s just dinner.
KANE
Right.
Lights rise on MADISON working on her laptop at the kitchen table. ROYCE enters and gets something to eat from the fridge.
ROYCE
What’re you doing?
MADISON
Family research.
ROYCE
What for?
MADISON
To see if there’s anything else they’re keeping from us.
ROYCE
And?
MADISON
And they are. You know those paternal grandparents we never met?
ROYCE
Died before we were born.
MADISON
Wrong. They didn’t die until we were in school.
ROYCE
Why didn’t Dad tell us about them?
MADISON
They seem to have completely disowned him.
ROYCE
Harsh.
MADISON
They were stinkin’ rich.
ROYCE
No way.
MADISON
His dad was big in prescription-drug development. Left his entire fortune to a Christian family-values institution. You should see all the entries about our grandfather.
ROYCE
Seriously?
MADISON
I bet if Dad hadn’t been a faggot we’d be living like millionaires right now.
ROYCE
Damn.
MADISON
He musta really loved that guy.
ROYCE
To give up your family like that.
MADISON
Doesn’t seem like Dad.
ROYCE
You ever get the feeling they’re really nothing like we think they are?
MADISON
Yeah. Creepy.
ROYCE
Yeah.
Lights rise on DAVID reviewing a menu proof at a restaurant table. KANE and CAROLYN enter.
KANE
Hi.
Short pause.
DAVID
Kane.
CAROLYN
Hello David.
DAVID
Carolyn. Surprising to see you both. And so nicely turned out.
KANE
We were at the opera.
CAROLYN
Così fan tutte. Boring.
KANE
Hate opera.
CAROLYN
But a lot of our clients go.
DAVID
This is such a surprise.
KANE
We’re here to apologize if Madison caused you any inconvenience.
DAVID
No problem. I probably would’ve hired her if she hadn’t been your daughter.
KANE
We’re grateful you didn’t.
CAROLYN
This is a stunning room.
DAVID
I’ll take that as a great compliment since I know you guys have one of the most successful interior-design firms in town.
CAROLYN
Don’t you love googling?
DAVID
So much easier than small talk.
KANE
You designed this place yourself.
DAVID
You can tell?
KANE
Of course.
CAROLYN
Why’s it called Mary’s?
DAVID
My silent partner Mary Riley put up most of the money so she got naming rights.
CAROLYN
So you came back to—open a restaurant?
DAVID
I was looking for something to do.
CAROLYN
What happened to that fabulously successful place you had in New York?
DAVID
Everything goes out of style eventually. I’ve opened three other restaurants since then and now I’m right back where I started.
KANE
At least you’re not a waiter.
DAVID
Really.
KANE
It’s good to see you.
CAROLYN
Yes.
DAVID
Oddly—it’s good to see you guys too.
KANE
Of course we wouldn’t have come by if Maddy hadn’t come in.
DAVID
We probably would’ve run into each other sooner or later.
KANE
Small world.
DAVID
And dying.
CAROLYN
Fate.
DAVID
You’re well?
KANE
Yes.
DAVID
Are you happy?
KANE
What?
CAROLYN
Of course.
KANE
Yes.
CAROLYN
We’re a happy family.
DAVID
Good.
CAROLYN
Are you single these days?
DAVID
Yes.
KANE
I’m surprised.
CAROLYN
You’re such a catch.
DAVID
Still sampling the worms.
CAROLYN
We’d like to have you over for dinner.
DAVID
Really?
KANE
Yes.
CAROLYN
What better way could there be to say the past is behind us and we’re all moving on to a new future? Come on. For old time’s sake.
DAVID
Are you sure?
KANE
Of course.
CAROLYN
Say yes.
DAVID
Okay.
Lights rise on MADISON and ROYCE in the kitchen. She’s packing up her laptop. He’s getting more food from the fridge.
ROYCE
Got any weed?
MADISON
Just a real long roach in my bag.
ROYCE
I could really use a toke.
MADISON
Why don’t you have any?
ROYCE rubs his fingers at her indicating no money.
I’ll see what I can do.
KANE and CAROLYN enter.
Hey.
ROYCE
What’s happening?
KANE
Your mother just invited David McMillan to dinner.
MADISON
Really?
CAROLYN
Yes. Tomorrow.
MADISON
Why the change?
CAROLYN
Because you’re absolutely right. What your father and David had has no bearing on our lives now. This dinner will prove that to everyone.
MADISON
Works for me.
ROYCE
Night.
KANE
Night kids.
MADISON and ROYCE exit.
CAROLYN
Does he still make your little heart go pitter pat?
KANE
He seemed.
CAROLYN
I know.
KANE
Not as.
CAROLYN
Intimidating.
KANE
Angry.
CAROLYN
But still.
KANE
Yes.
CAROLYN
He looked awfully good for fifty.
KANE
Tonight we should go for that quick bit of.
CAROLYN
Oh yeah.
A light rises on DAVID on his cellphone.
DAVID
He looked so—middle-aged. I warned him when we broke up time works differently in the straight world. And I hate to say it but she’s held it together better than he has. Come on. That’s a long time to hold a grudge and—honestly—now that I’ve seen them I think I got the better deal.
Lights rise on the kitchen. MADISON is there, checking the pots on the stove. ROYCE enters.
MADISON
There’s pâté in the fridge and some rice crackers over there.
ROYCE
Pâté?
MADISON
The pinky grey stuff that looks like ass barf from a sick dog.
ROYCE
I love that stuff. Where are they?
MADISON
Changing. Again.
ROYCE
Did you hear them last night?
MADISON
The fucking neighbours heard them.
ROYCE
Why are you dressed like a slut?
MADISON
Because I’m a slut.
ROYCE
I can see the tops of your aureoleos. (or-ee-ole-eos)
MADISON
Then look elsewhere pervert.
KANE enters.
KANE
Well?
ROYCE
What?
MADISON
Better.
ROYCE
Did you get your hair dyed?
KANE
Just covered the grey and got some highlights.
CAROLYN enters.
CAROLYN
Ta da.
ROYCE
Christ.
MADISON
Okay I’m just like whoa.
CAROLYN
I got a mini makeover. I couldn’t help it.
ROYCE
This is weird.
MADISON
Really.
KANE
Maddy that shirt is not appropriate.
CAROLYN
A little cleavage is fine but.
KANE
I know you have a lot of other nice tops.
CAROLYN
That don’t make you look like you’re lactating. Change it.
MADISON
I have a right to express myself.
KANE
Listen to your mother.
MADISON
Style Nazis.
MADISON exits.
ROYCE
Is this alright?
KANE
You combed your hair.
ROYCE
Thinking about taking a shower too.
KANE
Don’t get crazy.
CAROLYN
We can start moving the serving dishes to the table.
ROYCE
What is this?
CAROLYN
Thai Moroccan fusion.
ROYCE
Concept food.
CAROLYN
Be nice. I spent all day.
The doorbell rings.
KANE
I’ll get it. I’ll. Got it.
KANE exits.
ROYCE
What’s with him?
CAROLYN
Nerves.
KANE
(off) Hey come in.
DAVID
(off) Thanks. How are you?
KANE
(off) Great. Thanks. Right through here.
DAVID
(off) Lovely place.
DAVID and KANE enter.
KANE
I’ll give you a tour later.
DAVID
Hi.
CAROLYN
Welcome. You look wonderful.
DAVID
So do you.
DAVID and CAROLYN double cheek kiss stiffly.
CAROLYN
This is our son Royce.
DAVID
Hello Royce.
ROYCE
Hey.
DAVID
Fabulous kitchen. Very smart. The dining room is a thing of the past.
ROYCE
That’s exactly what Dad said.
CAROLYN
Drink?
DAVID
What are you offering?
ROYCE
Jim Beam. They bought it special.
CAROLYN
Ice?
KANE
Lots just a splash of water.
DAVID
He mixed about two million of them when—back in the day.
CAROLYN
Kane?
KANE
Beer.
ROYCE
Me too.
CAROLYN
I don’t.
KANE
A beer’s fine.
DAVID
Where’s Madison?
CAROLYN
She’s changing.
ROYCE
Into someone less slutty.
DAVID
Why?
ROYCE
I saw you on the Net.
DAVID
Ah.
CAROLYN
Royce mentioned you’d done some—movies.
DAVID
Nothing worth discussing really.
ROYCE
Porn’s completely legit. Don’t be hung up.
DAVID
I’m not.
KANE
Royce.
DAVID
Carolyn let me give you a hand with those drinks.
CAROLYN
Here you go.
DAVID takes two beers and hands them to KANE and ROYCE.
DAVID
Gentlemen.
KANE
Thank you.
CAROLYN
And this is for you.
DAVID
Aren’t you having anything?
CAROLYN
I made myself a Singapore Sling.
ROYCE
There’s a time vortex in our fridge.
DAVID
Royce tell me all about yourself.
ROYCE
What nothing no.
DAVID
What high-school stereotype do you fall into?
ROYCE
Angry outsider with a gift in cyber.
DAVID
Computers?
ROYCE
Are my bitch.
DAVID
I guess there’s no point in asking if you’ve got a girlfriend.
KANE
Royce’s shy with the girls.
ROYCE
They don’t like me.
DAVID
There must be nerd girls that fancy you.
ROYCE
A couple. They’re not very hot though.
DAVID
A satisfying sexual life is all about sliding standards. Just wear a condom. And if they’re really unattractive take drugs.
CAROLYN
We’re generally not quite so candid with our children.
DAVID
He conducts himself as an adult. I assumed you spoke to him like one.
CAROLYN
Not in that particular fashion.
ROYCE
My friend Sigfreid’s dad has a twenty-two. We used it to go shoot some seagulls once. Have you ever hunted?
DAVID
Once or twice. Not really my thing.
ROYCE
It’s kinda old school but I like the shooting.
MADISON enters.
MADISON
Don’t start without me.
CAROLYN
Madison.
KANE
That wasn’t much of a change.
MADISON moves to the counter to pour herself a drink.
MADISON
Best I could do.
KANE
You remember David.
MADISON
Of course.
DAVID
I think you all look wonderful.
CAROLYN
Really?
DAVID
A very handsome family.
CAROLYN
Everyone just help yourselves. So how is being back?
DAVID
Alright.
KANE
A lot of your old gang still around?
DAVID
No.
KANE
Why not?
DAVID
Between substance abuse and AIDS they’re all pretty much drunk crazy or dead.
MADISON
That’s sad.
DAVID
It’s all just exposition now.
KANE
When’s the restaurant opening?
DAVID
Two weeks. And we might actually be ready.
MADISON
Got all the staff you need?
CAROLYN
Now.
MADISON
Kidding.
DAVID
I told you.
MADISON
Why would they possibly object to you giving me a job?
CAROLYN
It’s an—unhealthy lifestyle.
DAVID
Unhealthy lifestyle?
KANE
How is it?
DAVID
Delicious. Sort of Thai Moroccan.
CAROLYN
You’re very good.
MADISON
Have you been single since you and my dad broke up?
DAVID
I’ve had—a few relationships.
CAROLYN
Anything that lasted?
DAVID
Six years is my record. One was a very well-known movie star but I can’t tell you his name or we’ll all be killed.
CAROLYN
Everyone’s so surprised that you’re back. Someone at the opera said they thought you’d retired somewhere warm a very rich man.
DAVID
I wish. My restaurants all did well. For a while. And I was rich. For a while.
ROYCE
What happened to all your money?
DAVID
I spent it on my cat.
KANE
Mr. Nippers?
DAVID
Yes.
CAROLYN
You know this cat?
KANE
I bought him for David when we moved in together.
MADISON
A little gay cat child. How touching.
DAVID
Sweet Mr. Nippers had a kidney infection thyroid condition and bowel dysfunction that cost me thousands of dollars the last ten years he was alive. Trying to keep a floundering restaurant afloat while medicating your cat eight times a day is no picnic.
CAROLYN
Much easier than children.
DAVID
And thankfully cats die at the same age most kids really start to resent their parents.
MADISON laughs.
MADISON
Too true.
DAVID
And what are your long-term goals Madison?
MADISON
To never wear earrings that are too big for my face.
KANE
Maddy’s good at so many things she always has trouble deciding.
CAROLYN
We think university might help her.
MADISON
Mother stop.
KANE
You’ve outdone yourself on dinner dear.
ROYCE
Not bad.
MADISON
She doesn’t do this for just anyone.
ROYCE
Let alone the guy who useta do my dad.
KANE
Royce.
CAROLYN
Maddy have a bit more to eat.
MADISON
I’m not hungry.
ROYCE
She hardly ever eats.
MADISON
It’s discipline not anorexia as the fat people are implying.
DAVID
I got that.
MADISON
It’s quite inspiring the mature way you’ve all handled this reunion.
KANE
How else could we react?
DAVID
Times are different now.
MADISON
I bet a lot of people were freaked out about it at the time though.
KANE
You could say that.
MADISON
Is that why your parents disowned you?
Pause.
KANE
Yes.
DAVID
Those people with the nice paintings disowned you?
KANE
Pretty much.
ROYCE
Why’d you tell us they were dead?
KANE
It was.
MADISON
Easier?
KANE
Yes.
CAROLYN
Unfortunately we never got the chance to repair that rift.
KANE
There was no repairing that rift.
CAROLYN
They would’ve forgiven you.
KANE
Never.
CAROLYN
In time. If they’d met the children.
KANE
You didn’t know them.
MADISON
They sound like horrid people.
KANE
They were.
DAVID
Kane I’m sorry.
CAROLYN
I could’ve made them understand.
ROYCE
Understand what?
CAROLYN
That Kane’s whole thing with David wasn’t real.
Pause.
DAVID
Real?
CAROLYN
Did I say that?
DAVID
Yes.
CAROLYN
I didn’t mean real—
DAVID
Good.
CAROLYN
It just wasn’t—you know—like with a man and woman. It was different. That’s what I meant. Different. Isn’t that right?
KANE
What?
CAROLYN
It was different.
KANE
Everything’s different.
CAROLYN
Kane wasn’t really gay. Not that that invalidates your relationship in any way. But he has a family now so I guess that proves something right?
KANE
Carolyn.
CAROLYN
This isn’t coming out the way it’s supposed to.
MADISON
Then why don’t you stop?
Long pause.
KANE
Who wants seconds?
DAVID
I should go.
CAROLYN
I didn’t mean to offend you.
DAVID
I’m not offended. I still have work to do tonight.
KANE
Okay.
DAVID
Thank you so much for dinner.
CAROLYN
It’s what we’d do for any old friend.
Short pause.
DAVID
You know Madison is right. If we’re such good old friends there’s absolutely no reason I shouldn’t hire her at the restaurant.
MADISON
You serious?
DAVID
Show up for training at two tomorrow.
MADISON
Thank you.
DAVID
You’re welcome. Thanks again for the terrific dinner.
DAVID exits.
ROYCE
What just happened?
MADISON
I got the job.
CAROLYN
I will not allow it.
KANE
It’s a bad idea.
MADISON laughs and clears the table.
MADISON
I got the job. I got the job.
A light rises on DAVID at the restaurant on his cell.
DAVID
How old are you? Perfect. I’m—forty. You like older guys. Good. What’s your name? I’m Ted. Are you alone Jacob? Good. What are you wearing? Great. So tell me what you like Jacob. No. We don’t have to have phone sex. I guess I’m cool to just talk if that’s what you want. Sure.
Lights rise on CAROLYN, dressed for bed. She’s brushing her hair in the mirror. KANE is changing into his pyjamas as they speak.
CAROLYN
Talk her out of it.
KANE
You know how that works with her.
CAROLYN
Nothing good will come of it.
KANE
Well if you hadn’t been so.
CAROLYN
What?
KANE
Outspoken.
CAROLYN
I didn’t mean for that to come out like that. I just—he was the one with all the excitement and glamour.
KANE
It wasn’t that exciting or glamorous. You don’t know what it’s like playing second fiddle to someone all the time.
CAROLYN
Is that why you married me?
KANE
Honey please.
CAROLYN
There’s a look in your eye. A place you go sometimes when you think no one’s looking. I know you’re thinking about him. I’ve always known.
KANE
You’ve got to let this go.
CAROLYN
It’s not something I ever understood. It doesn’t seem like you. To do that. With a man. It just doesn’t seem real.
KANE
We made a mistake. Inviting him here. Let’s admit that and get on with it. We don’t have to see him again. Madison might even hate the job.
KANE kisses CAROLYN.
CAROLYN
You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry.
KANE moves closer to her.
KANE
I have an idea for how you can make it up to me.
Lights rise on DAVID at the restaurant going through the reservation book. MADISON enters in waiter gear.
MADISON
You wanted to see me?
DAVID
I hear your training’s going quite well.
MADISON
Who knew you had to know so much to be a waiter?
DAVID
This job hasn’t created a rift at home has it?
MADISON
Everyone seems to be getting over it.
DAVID
Good. We’re opening tomorrow night and I just—I want you to know that you’ll be judged like any other waiter.
MADISON
You mean you’re not going to cut me any slack just because you gave me the job to piss my mother off?
DAVID
I wouldn’t have put it quite that way but sure.
MADISON
I’m going to be very good.
DAVID
You’d better be.
MADISON
Just watch.
MADISON exits. Light rise on the kitchen. KANE, CAROLYN and ROYCE setting food on the dinner table.
CAROLYN
Dinner.
They sit and eat in silence for a longish moment.
ROYCE
Sigfreid rimmed me last night.
KANE
Son please don’t say rimmed at the dinner table.
CAROLYN
Thank you Kane.
ROYCE
I thought personal sexual revelations over dinner are what we’re all about.
KANE
Royce.
CAROLYN
I liked it so much better when you were obsessed with Warmonger.
ROYCE
That was before my childhood had been shattered. At least now I understand why I’m so weird.
CAROLYN
Somewhere there are a whole bunch of girls just waiting for a boy like you.
ROYCE
Never invite me to that party.
CAROLYN
You’ve got to stop putting yourself down.
ROYCE
I’m just beating everyone else to it.
KANE
It won’t always be like this.
ROYCE
Right. I’m still the ugly geek they all laugh at.
CAROLYN
Who laughs at you?
ROYCE
Forget it.
KANE
Is it really that bad?
ROYCE
No.
KANE
If there’s a serious problem you need to tell us.
ROYCE
No serious problems. Everything’s fine.
Pause.
CAROLYN
Have some more carrots. I made way too many carrots.
ROYCE
No.
ROYCE exits. Pause.
CAROLYN
Carrots?
KANE
No.
They eat in silence. A light rises on DAVID at the restaurant, eating. MADISON enters.
MADISON
Eating alone’s a drag.
DAVID
I’m used to it.
MADISON
Good night.
DAVID
Things look promising but we won’t really know how we’re doing for a few months. Where have all the waiters gone?
MADISON
Comfort for last call.
DAVID
Not joining them?
MADISON
The bar’s fun once in a while but I don’t like to make it a habit.
DAVID
You’re too young to be so responsible.
MADISON
What do you do when you leave here?
DAVID
Meet with Mary think about what needs to be done tomorrow watch the news.
MADISON
You don’t go to the bars?
DAVID
I used to. Every night for twenty-five years. All over the world. It was wonderful. But these last few years. Over forty and you’re invisible.
MADISON
Don’t you even like drive around and pick up men on the street or cruise the parks or bathrooms or whatever?
DAVID
That’s not really my scene.
MADISON
So you just watch the news?
DAVID
You sound disappointed.
MADISON
We could go meet the other waiters for a drink.
DAVID
I’m bushed.
MADISON
You sure?
DAVID
Positive. Thanks for asking.
MADISON
Good night.
MADISON clears the table quickly and exits. Lights rise on ROYCE in his bedroom, on his computer. There’s a knock.
ROYCE
What?
KANE enters.
KANE
Turn the computer off.
ROYCE
Dad I’m.
KANE
Off.
ROYCE turns the computer off.
You have every right to be confused.
ROYCE
I’m not confused. You’re the popular guy who gets to have sex with everyone.
KANE
It wasn’t all about sex.
ROYCE
Oh right. You loved him.
KANE
Does that bother you?
ROYCE
Why would I care?
KANE
Because I’m not the man you thought I was.
ROYCE
I got over that when I was thirteen.
KANE
I don’t understand why you’re so cynical. We’ve tried to understand. Helped where we could.
ROYCE
I know.
KANE
But lately it’s like you have to ridicule everything I say. Fudgepacker this and buttboy that and he rimmed me. It’s getting old.
ROYCE
I’m just kidding around.
KANE
It’s not funny.
ROYCE
I don’t get it okay. I just don’t.
KANE
It’s not as simple as they make it sound Royce. Not for everyone. Some people respond to members of the same sex some respond to members of the opposite sex and.
ROYCE
Some are bi. I know the score. Jeez Dad.
KANE
Even saying bi is a simplification. It’s not about labels it’s about individuals. Does that make any sense?
ROYCE
No.
KANE
Sometimes people meet and whatever they share goes beyond sexuality.
ROYCE
Sounds romantic.
KANE
I’m not going to go around acting like I’m ashamed if that’s what you want. Love sex all of that. It’s not so easy. You’ll see someday.
ROYCE
Doubtful. Does Mom have any deep dark secrets we don’t know about?
KANE
No.
MADISON enters.
MADISON
Party?
KANE
I was just heading to bed.
MADISON
Everything okay?
KANE
Fine. Night.
KANE exits.
MADISON
What’s with him?
ROYCE
He’s still worried we hate him.
MADISON
Do you?
ROYCE
He’s Dad.
MADISON
Doesn’t mean it’s easy to get used to.
ROYCE
Whatever how was work?
MADISON flashes ROYCE a wad of bills.
MADISON
I’d say pretty fucking good.
ROYCE
Nice. Man do I need a job. Or a life. Or a shot to the head or something.
Pause.
MADISON
What’s the baby brother bummed about?
ROYCE
Fuck off.
MADISON
Royce.
ROYCE
I keep having dreams about finding my family hanging in the basement with their throats slit and their intestines pulled through wounds in their bellies. And sometimes when I’m watching TV by myself I start crying and I don’t know why and the show’s not even sad or whatever.
Pause.
MADISON
Are you trying to come out to me?
ROYCE
No.
MADISON
It’s alright if you are.
ROYCE
I’m not. Now get out.
Lights rise on DAVID restocking the bar, on the cellphone.
DAVID
Marcelle I need another two cases of the Zinfandel you sold me last week. Yeah I sold out. If you ate here once in a while you’d know why. Next time you’re in talk to me and we’ll book something for you—on the house. Great. Two cases.
ROYCE enters.
Hey.
ROYCE
Madison done yet?
DAVID
She might be a while.
ROYCE
Thought I’d give her a ride home.
DAVID
On a Friday night?
ROYCE
Yeah.
DAVID
That’s tragic.
ROYCE
Yeah what’s up with you?
DAVID
This is my life.
Pause.
Do you want a coffee or something?
ROYCE
I’m fine.
DAVID
I have to finish restocking the bar.
ROYCE
Can I give you a hand?
DAVID
Thanks. It’s okay.
Pause as ROYCE watches DAVID work.
ROYCE
Why’d you do that shit on the Net?
DAVID
The porn?
ROYCE
Yeah.
DAVID
I was—proving something.
ROYCE
What?
DAVID
That AIDS didn’t have the power to ruin my sex life.
ROYCE
Who were you proving it to?
DAVID
Myself. Everyone. I don’t know. It was a pretty messed-up time. Honestly I needed the money.
ROYCE
They pay you a lot?
DAVID
I don’t think your mother would approve of this conversation.
ROYCE
That’s why I’m having it with you.
DAVID
You’re the computer dude. You’ve seen worse.
ROYCE
Oh yeah. Chicks with dicks guys with pies pop on top K-9 brown-eye. Everything.
DAVID
I guess finding out about me is nothing compared to—whatever it was you just said.
ROYCE
I dunno. Like some stuff makes sense now.
DAVID
Such as?
ROYCE
He was never like other dads.
DAVID
No?
ROYCE
Too creative and smart. And he’s into antiques and shit. Fabrics. He loves fabrics. But he’s not femmy. Most guys like that are femmy.
DAVID
Is he a good father?
ROYCE
In a boring good-father way can I have a job?
Pause.
DAVID
It would be—awkward with Madison here.
ROYCE
Why?
DAVID
I can’t have outside—family—issues creeping into work.
ROYCE
Sure.
DAVID
Besides.
ROYCE
What?
DAVID
You’re too bright. Bright busboys are always a pain in the ass because they know how much their job sucks. Why don’t I go see what’s keeping your sister?
ROYCE
Okay great thanks.
DAVID exits. A light rises on MADISON in the kitchen making pancakes. CAROLYN is at the table drinking coffee and reading the paper.
MADISON
Two or four?
CAROLYN
Two. Your father will want four and Royce will have six but only eat five. I can’t believe you’re doing this after getting in at three thirty-seven.
MADISON
I thought it would be nice.
CAROLYN
What do you do after closing?
MADISON
Hang out for drinks and talk.
CAROLYN
With who?
MADISON
The other waiters staff whoever.
CAROLYN
David?
MADISON
Once in a while.
CAROLYN
Dad’s assistant quit.
KANE enters.
KANE
She’s going on some reality show and they need to rehearse for two months.
MADISON
Reality’s not what it used to be.
KANE
Interested in the position?
MADISON
Not an iota.
MADISON serves them pancakes.
KANE
What time did Royce get in?
CAROLYN
Twelve thirteen.
MADISON
Do you ever sleep?
CAROLYN
An hour here and there.
MADISON
Bacon?
KANE
I can’t.
MADISON
It’s turkey bacon.
KANE
I really can’t.
CAROLYN
I will.
ROYCE enters.
ROYCE
Could everyone please talk louder.
CAROLYN
Good morning.
MADISON
I made pancakes.
ROYCE
Yippee.
MADISON
With a raspberry compote.
ROYCE
Compote?
KANE
With a splash of Grand Marnier?
MADISON
Yeah.
CAROLYN
David taught you how to make that.
MADISON
How did you know?
CAROLYN
Your father made it for me once. On our honeymoon. I later found out it was David’s favourite.
KANE
Nobody doesn’t like raspberry compote.
MADISON
He did suggest it.
CAROLYN
Of course.
They all eat.
ROYCE
Wow.
KANE
That’s very good.
CAROLYN
I prefer good old-fashioned maple syrup myself.
ROYCE
Is this fucking turkey bacon?
CAROLYN
After breakfast we’re going to see Grandpa Carver.
KANE
Are we?
MADISON
Why?
ROYCE
He keeps calling me Ronnie.
CAROLYN
That was.
ROYCE
His brother. Yeah.
MADISON
I hate the smell of that place.
ROYCE
He always cries when he sees us.
CAROLYN
Because he loves us so much.
MADISON
Because he knows we put him in there.
CAROLYN
He likes to see us as a family.
MADISON
He doesn’t know who we are.
KANE
Your mother’s right. We should do more together. The drive will be nice.
ROYCE
Our visits mean nothing to him.
CAROLYN
But they mean a lot to me.
MADISON’s cellphone rings.
MADISON
Hi David. Really. Well. Okay. No problem. Great.
CAROLYN
What?
MADISON
The coke addict called in sick again.
KANE
You have to work.
CAROLYN
What will we tell Grandpa?
MADISON
Anything you want. He won’t remember. I’ve gotta get some zees.
CAROLYN
Who’s cleaning up?
MADISON
Anyone who didn’t cook. And I’m taking your car.
MADISON exits.
KANE
I’ll get the dishes.
CAROLYN
Aren’t you going to come up with some excuse too?
ROYCE
You kidding? Grandpa Carver’s the only person who can make me feel alright about my social life.
KANE
You can drive.
ROYCE
Great.
Lights rise on DAVID going through the reservation book. MADISON is there.
DAVID
You saved the day.
MADISON
You saved me from a trip to see Grandpa Carver.
DAVID
We won’t be seeing Max again.
MADISON
He was stealing from the bar.
DAVID
Drug addicts always are.
MADISON
I was going to tell you.
DAVID
That’s not your responsibility.
MADISON
So.
Pause.
DAVID
Go ahead.
MADISON
When I was driving here. It just kinda hit me. I mean I’d never really considered it before and I was just kinda—I don’t know.
DAVID
What are you talking about?
MADISON
You fucked my father.
Pause.
DAVID
Why would you think about that?
MADISON
Uh—you were lovers.
DAVID
Jesus Madison.
MADISON
Well?
DAVID
Let’s just say people with really nice bums usually get them for a reason.
MADISON laughs.
That’s not quite the reaction I expected.
MADISON
Please. Ass is the new vagina.
DAVID
Charming.
MADISON
How do you think all those uptight girls manage to stay “virgins” until they get married. And I’ve never dated a guy who didn’t eventually try to get me to insert something—anything really—into his butt.
DAVID
Straight people are always stealing our best ideas.
MADISON
Was he always the bottom?
DAVID
Quit asking so many questions about your father and get to work.
MADISON
Yes sir.
MADISON salutes and exits. Lights rise on ROYCE, CAROLYN and KANE walking to the car.
CAROLYN
I wish he’d die.
KANE
Honey.
CAROLYN
If he knew what he was doing he’d want to.
ROYCE
That was so majorly disgusting.
KANE
It’s a terrible disease.
CAROLYN
He lectured on Chaucer and gave tony cocktail parties for visiting writers.
ROYCE
Seriously?
CAROLYN
I know he’d rather be dead.
ROYCE
We should kill him.
KANE
Stop.
ROYCE
It’s what he’d want.
KANE
We don’t know what he wants.
ROYCE
So you’re saying if you ever become a drooling idiot who pulls his dick out and cranks it whenever your family comes to visit you don’t want us to kill you?
Pause.
KANE
Shut up.
ROYCE
But really.
CAROLYN
I wish he’d die.
KANE
I’d want you to kill me.
Lights rise on the restaurant. DAVID is closing up the bar. MADISON enters with two plates of food.
MADISON
Sorry about the salmon controversy.
DAVID
Everyone makes mistakes.
MADISON
Not me.
DAVID
Even you.
MADISON
And you?
DAVID
I’ve made many mistakes.
MADISON
Like Dad?
DAVID
You’re supposed to stop asking about him.
MADISON
Sorry but parents are so strange.
DAVID
They’re just people.
MADISON
What about yours?
DAVID
I’m the illegitimate offspring of Wonder Woman and the Empire State Building.
MADISON
But really.
DAVID
Haven’t seen them in years.
MADISON
Why not?
DAVID
Not really my kind of people.
MADISON
It’s got to be hard to give up a family. Even a bad one.
DAVID
It’s how fags escape from the trailer parks and small towns of their white-trash boyhoods.
MADISON
They’re your family. You’re supposed to love each other forever.
DAVID
There are very few relationships that are meant to last forever. And if they do it’s never without major renovation.
MADISON
Everyone I know’s terrified of their relationship failing.
DAVID
Just because a relationship’s over doesn’t mean it’s failed.
MADISON
I hope to have a relationship some day.
DAVID
You will.
MADISON
With someone bright and well-hung?
DAVID
It’s not impossible but relatively rare.
CAROLYN
You want to come to Comfort?
DAVID
It’s not good form for management to party with the staff.
MADISON
Fuck good form. It’ll let everyone know you’re not as uptight as you seem.
DAVID
Uptight?
MADISON
A coupla drinks.
DAVID
Who’s going?
MADISON
Marvin Willett Debra everyone.
ROYCE enters.
DAVID
Hi Royce.
MADISON
I told you to call before you came by.
ROYCE
I was in the hood.
MADISON
I’m going out.
ROYCE
Oh okay sorry. You need a ride?
DAVID
I’m fine thanks.
Short pause.
ROYCE
Alright.
ROYCE exits.
DAVID
You could’ve invited him.
MADISON
No way. You coming?
DAVID
Yeah sure.
Lights rise on CAROLYN in bed, reading. KANE enters from the bathroom wearing his pyjama bottoms.
KANE
This belly’s getting out of control.
CAROLYN
You’ve still got a nice ass.
KANE
You’re the one who kept her body.
CAROLYN
Except for my saggy tits.
KANE
You’ll always be that same hot girl Attila introduced me to at the Drink Exchange.
CAROLYN
That girl and her perky tits are gone.
KANE stops in front of the mirror to pluck some shoulder hairs.
KANE
Not in my eyes.
CAROLYN
Any sign of the kids?
KANE
No.
CAROLYN
Royce has the car?
KANE
Gets him outa the fucking house for a change.
CAROLYN
What do you think he does?
KANE
Drives around listening to music and thinking about himself.
CAROLYN
And Madison?
KANE
She’s making a million new friends and trying a million new things. Let’s just leave it at that. Check my back for hairs.
CAROLYN inspects KANE’s back.
CAROLYN
It’s all just so.
KANE
What are we going to do?
CAROLYN
Do?
KANE
When they’re gone.
CAROLYN
I don’t know.
KANE
It’ll be strange.
CAROLYN
Like starting over again.
CAROLYN pulls a hair out.
KANE
Ow. Yeah.
CAROLYN
It’s really.
KANE
I know.
CAROLYN
I mean really.
KANE
I know.
Lights rise on DAVID and MADISON on the street. They’re searching for a cab, both a bit drunk.
DAVID
I’ll hail you a cab.
MADISON
I have them on speed-dial.
MADISON speed-dials her cellphone.
MADISON
I need a cab at Comfort. Great.
DAVID
How long?
MADISON
Pretty quick. We’re downtown.
DAVID
I’ll wait with you.
MADISON
It’s okay.
DAVID
At this time of night? I’ll wait.
MADISON
You should head off to some corn-holing festival.
DAVID
No thanks.
MADISON
You’re alone too much.
DAVID
I’m fine.
MADISON
I worry about you.
DAVID
Don’t.
MADISON
When was the last time you saw Dad?
DAVID
Montreal.
MADISON
Really?
DAVID
A year or so after we’d broken up. I was opening a swank room while learning French and he was buying antiques or something. We ran into each other on St. Catherine.
MADISON
Big coincidence?
DAVID
My life’s like that.
MADISON
Did you talk?
DAVID
Briefly. Here comes your cab.
MADISON
I had fun.
DAVID
Me too.
MADISON gives DAVID a sudden kiss. It lingers for a moment before DAVID steps out of it.
Your cab.
MADISON
Yeah. Over here.
DAVID
Good night.
MADISON
Night.
Lights rise on CAROLYN in the kitchen making cocoa. MADISON enters.
CAROLYN
Two forty-three.
MADISON
Mom I think Royce is like really depressed or something.
CAROLYN
What makes you say that?
MADISON
Aren’t you aware of how much time he spends alone? He has no friends.
CAROLYN
He has friends on the Net.
MADISON
Net friends aren’t real.
CAROLYN
What about Sigfreid?
MADISON
He hardly sees him anymore.
CAROLYN
What do you want me to do?
MADISON
Someone needs to talk to him.
CAROLYN
I’ve tried to get him to open up. So has your father.
MADISON
He keeps coming by work at inappropriate times. I think he’s trying to reach out or something.
CAROLYN
Are you that concerned?
MADISON
He’s having nightmares and crying jags. Don’t you hear him at night?
CAROLYN
I thought he was—masturbating.
MADISON
Mother.
CAROLYN
I’ll talk to your father.
MADISON
As soon as possible.
CAROLYN
Okay.
MADISON
Go to bed.
CAROLYN
I’ll never get to sleep now.
Lights rise on DAVID walking to his apartment building. ROYCE is sitting on the steps.
DAVID
Royce?
ROYCE
Hey.
DAVID
This is a surprise.
ROYCE
I didn’t have anywhere else to go.
Pause.
DAVID
Have you followed me here before?
ROYCE
You went out with my sister.
DAVID
We met some people for drinks.
ROYCE
You like her?
DAVID
Yes.
ROYCE
Everyone likes her.
DAVID
She’s very personable.
ROYCE
Why am I a loser?
DAVID
The losers in school are the ones who prove themselves in adulthood.
ROYCE
Were you a loser in high school?
DAVID
No.
ROYCE
They laugh at me.
DAVID
Who?
ROYCE
All of them. They always have. They call me names. Push me into my locker. Knock my books out of my hands. Punch me in the face after they have a fight with their girlfriends. Shove my head in the toilet if they catch me in the can.
DAVID
You need to stand up to them.
ROYCE
Like I could ever do that and live.
DAVID
Transfer schools.
ROYCE
I’ve done that. I still end up being the geek everyone picks on. It started in the first grade and never really stopped.
DAVID
What do you plan to do when you’re finished school?
ROYCE
Be one of those guys who lives in their parents’ basement until they’re forty.
DAVID
That’s your plan?
ROYCE
It’s more like a destiny.
DAVID
What do you really enjoy?
ROYCE
I don’t—computer games I guess.
DAVID
Okay. Good. So concentrate on computer games. Design them. Change them.
ROYCE
I suck at creative shit.
Pause.
DAVID
I don’t know what else to say.
ROYCE
There’s something wrong with me.
DAVID
Wrong how?
ROYCE
I’m like beyond average. Super average or something.
DAVID
Adulthood is different. You can move somewhere else and completely reinvent yourself. A number of times if you have to. Find someone else to emulate. Adopt traits you find attractive in others. It can be done. Trust me.
ROYCE
People shouldn’t tell ordinary kids they’re special. It fucks them up when they get older and realize they’re not special.
Pause.
DAVID
Royce it’s very late.
ROYCE
Do you want me to come up?
DAVID
Come up?
ROYCE
To your apartment.
DAVID
For what?
ROYCE
Talking whatever.
DAVID
You should go home.
Pause.
ROYCE
If I was a hot guy you would’ve hired me.
DAVID
And if I was a beautiful woman I’d be a movie star. What’s your point?
ROYCE
Nothing night thanks.
DAVID
Take it easy.
ROYCE exits. DAVID watches him leave. A light rises on KANE waiting in the kitchen, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette in front of the open window. ROYCE enters. KANE tosses the cigarette out the window.
ROYCE
Aren’t you afraid of giving all of us cancer?
KANE
Your mother is upstairs trying to convince herself you haven’t been killed in an accident.
ROYCE
Lost track.
KANE
Where did you go?
ROYCE
Nowhere.
KANE
You know you’re not supposed to have the car out this late.
ROYCE
I buy gas.
KANE
I think you should—talk to a professional.
ROYCE
Professional what?
KANE
Counsellor or therapist.
ROYCE
You think I’m crazy.
KANE
I think you might need some.
ROYCE
I don’t.
KANE
We’re your family.
ROYCE
I’m nothing like you people.
KANE
You’re part of us.
ROYCE
You’re pissed.
KANE
I’ve had three beers.
ROYCE
I’m fine.
KANE
What’s the harm in talking to someone?
ROYCE
I don’t want to.
KANE
I know you’ve been having a rough time.
ROYCE
You don’t know anything.
KANE
There are issues.
ROYCE
There are no fucking issues.
KANE
Things we should.
ROYCE
I’m not discussing anything with anyone.
KANE
What do you want me to do?
ROYCE
Make me not ugly. Teach me to understand how people work.
KANE
You’re not ugly.
ROYCE
Quit lying to me.
CAROLYN enters.
CAROLYN
Everything okay?
ROYCE
Dad’s acting creepy.
KANE
Stop it.
CAROLYN
You can’t use the car anymore.
ROYCE
Like I care.
ROYCE exits.
CAROLYN
I can tell that went well.
KANE
He’s got a terrible attitude.
CAROLYN
You know confrontation doesn’t work with him.
KANE
I did my best.
KANE moves to exit.
CAROLYN
Where are you going?
KANE
Outside for a cigarette.
CAROLYN
Fine.
Lights rise on MADISON setting tables at the restaurant. DAVID is setting plates of food and a carafe of wine on another table.
DAVID
Shrimp sautéed in garlic and olive oil over penne. And wine.
MADISON
Sounds great.
DAVID
It was the least I could do after you picked up those extra tables.
MADISON joins DAVID.
MADISON
Who knew Alena would have a meltdown?
DAVID
She’s pregnant poor thing.
MADISON
Bummer. Delicious. Wow.
DAVID
Don’t let it go to your head but I think you do an amazing job on the floor Maddy.
MADISON
Blame it on the fascist who runs the dump.
DAVID
Quality counts.
MADISON
You ever had sex with a woman?
DAVID
You have no internal censor at all do you?
MADISON
No so?
DAVID
A few. Not in a very long time.
MADISON
I’ve had sex with a couple women.
DAVID
Good for you.
MADISON
I guess that’s why I didn’t freak out when I found out about Dad and you. I know what it’s like to want to try different things.
DAVID
Your father’s daughter.
MADISON
Gay is so over. The word doesn’t really mean anything anymore. Like Negro or Jewess. It’s all just sex. I could probably have a relationship with a girl. If she had a cock. I really like cock.
DAVID
Who doesn’t?
MADISON
When I was fifteen I got this crush on this client of my dad’s. He was this divorced guy in his mid-thirties.
DAVID
An older man.
MADISON
We used to meet at this hotel once a week and fuck like pigs. He told the staff I was his niece. I told my folks I was tutoring retards for extra karma. He moved to San Diego and married some fucking telephone exec bitch his own age my graduating year. I was like functionally depressed for eight months. Really.
DAVID
Why don’t you go out with boys your own age?
MADISON
They’re really bad sex.
DAVID
You have to teach them what to do.
MADISON
Get a hooker. I think I’m a fag. In a woman’s body. I understand you guys too well. I get it. Well not some of those old singers but the sex and everything else. I get it.
DAVID
Why are you telling me all this?
MADISON
Because I really want to fuck you.
Pause.
DAVID
I’m—management.
MADISON
David.
DAVID
I’m gay.
MADISON
Doesn’t mean anything.
MADISON begins to move toward DAVID.
DAVID
I don’t even know if.
MADISON
You’ve done porn.
DAVID
Stay back.
MADISON puts her arms around DAVID’s neck.
MADISON
I have condoms.
DAVID
You’re only doing this because of my connection to your father.
MADISON
I prefer men who are nothing like my father.
Pause.
DAVID
This isn’t real.
MADISON
What is?
They kiss suddenly and passionately. They begin to undo one another’s clothes. Fade to black.