Kara woke with a start. Her body throbbed from her dream. Sweat drenched her skin. The dream had been so vivid and real, one which she had not had in a long time. Years ago, she used to have erotic dreams about Ash, but all that had stopped after she gave birth to Rurik, after Hring had explained the truth about why Ash had married her and how little he really thought of her.
Yes, she was attracted to him, but attraction wasn’t enough. Not this time. She’d grown up and knew there was more to a marriage than a meeting of bodies at night.
Seven years ago she had found every excuse for his behaviour, believing he did care for her and his words were more than pretty phrases. After Rurik’s birth, Hring had paraded Ash’s discarded women in front of her. Each had confirmed Hring’s words. In the end she had felt dirty and used in a way she’d never considered before.
Her idol had turned out to be base metal rather than gold. And she’d sworn no man would ever have that sort of power over her again.
Kara hugged her knees to her chest. Hring’s sole purpose had been to punish her for defying him over Rurik. He had raged that Ash never cared about children or people and that he would never accept a weakling as a son.
Having met Ash again and seeing how much he wanted to meet Rurik, she had to wonder if Hring had twisted things. It would not be the first time. Deeds, not words.
Ash had left before and he would leave again. She should never forget that. What was it that his man had said—sea water ran in his veins? How long until the sea and the lure of raiding called him again? That was real, not whispers on the wind.
She could not count on Ash to be there when she needed him, for anything. She learnt from her mistakes.
She turned her head and saw that someone had placed a piece of hard bread and cheese beside her head. Whoever it was had also put an additional cloak over her. She moved her arm and a rich spicy scent enveloped her.
Ash. Who else? A lump formed in her throat at the thoughtful gesture.
After taking several mouthfuls of food, she wrapped the additional cloak tighter about her and tried to get her body to relax. The faint scent of expensive spice tickled her nostrils and she worried about the dream returning. Or, worse still, starting to believe the little gestures meant something more.
The hut remained cloaked in darkness. She stared up into the blackness and started to make lists of all the things which she’d have to do once they reached Jaarlshiem. Mundane practical things like seeing to the wool carding, making sure the apples were properly stored and the livestock had enough food for winter. Tedious tasks, but ones which made the estate prosper.
If she kept her mind on the real practical things, she wouldn’t start believing in fantasy again.
Once they had returned to Jaarlshiem, it would be easier. She would be in familiar surroundings. Rurik would be there to distract her if she found herself at a loose end. There was rarely time to breathe, let alone dream.
She straightened her clothes and strode over to the door, pushing it open. The drizzle of yesterday evening had given way to a clear autumn sky. The last few stars hung in the rapidly greying sky. Her breath plumed in the very early morning light.
The sell-swords slept in the cold half-light. Indistinguishable lumps. The campsite was at peace. No one had even bothered to post a guard, despite Ash’s earlier words. Kara rolled her eyes.
A movement made her turn and she saw Ash returning, obviously having been for a swim. Droplets of water fell from his hair, turning his tunic translucent. Kara shook her head, trying to get the last remnants of her dream from her brain.
He hurried over to her. Up close, he was even more intoxicating. A single drop of water hung in the hollow of his throat. Her fingers itched to capture it.
‘If I had known you were awake, I would have asked you to join me.’
‘To join you?’
‘In the lake. Bathing. All is quiet. I’ve taken the last guard duty of the night along with Saxi.’
‘Saxi?’
‘One of my men. He is resting now that I’ve returned. The early hours always trouble me. But I remembered the lake over the crest of the hill and went swimming.’
Ash’s words painted pictures in her brain of them in the lake, playing and splashing. She rapidly averted her gaze and concentrated instead on a twisted pine tree.
When she felt her heart calm, she risked a glance at him. In the dim light, she saw his eyes twinkled with mischief. He knew what pictures were in her head!
‘It is...not the right time of day for that,’ she stammered, pressing her hands against her gown.
‘A pity.’ He tilted his head, sending a soft spray of water over his shoulders and chest. ‘Let’s hope the next time I ask, it is the right time of day.’
It was never going to be the right time of day, Kara silently vowed. To go swimming with him would mean giving up her hard-won independence as she knew precisely how it would end. The memory of when he had taught her to swim invaded her brain.
Kara put her hand on her throat as the silence grew between them. She couldn’t stand here tongue-tied, thinking about touching Ash.
‘I had the food you left. Unnecessary, but welcome,’ she blurted out.
‘Good. I can’t have you feeling faint or weak. You will slow everyone else down. You need to think about others.’
‘I will get your cloak.’ Kara swallowed her quick retort. Fighting solved nothing. ‘You must have been freezing without it. There was no need to do that. I was quite comfortable with what I had. Remember for the next time.’
His eyes instantly hardened. ‘I have other cloaks. No hardship. Without rest, you are a liability. I’d do the same for any of my men if they were exhausted.’
‘Of course. I hadn’t thought.’ Kara shifted from foot to foot, feeling like a young girl again. She had once again rushed to the conclusion that Ash had done something for her benefit when it had been nothing of the kind. She ruthlessly squashed the feeling. She’d done nothing to be ashamed of except perhaps to be ungracious. How many times had she told Rurik off for doing the same? ‘Thank you all the same. I appreciated it.’
‘The water was wonderfully refreshing.’ He gestured towards the lake and it was clear the subject was closed. ‘There will be time if you would like to bathe before we depart for Jaarlshiem. It will refresh you. I promise not to peek...much.’
‘No!’ She put out a hand and slowly lowered it. Ash’s expression showed her quick refusal amused him.
‘I will be fine. I am fine,’ she said, pleating her dress through her fingers. ‘Perfectly refreshed after my night’s sleep...and the food.’
‘Indeed. I thought you might have had a disturbed night, which is why you are up so early.’
‘You are up early, as well,’ she countered, balling her fists. ‘Stop this false concern.’
‘There is nothing false about it.’
‘I will be able to keep up today. Will you?’
‘My ability to stay in the saddle has never been in doubt.’
‘You have been away for seven years so I must take your word for it,’ she said with crushing dignity.
A smile played in the corner of his mouth. ‘Put me to the test. But why won’t you swim?’
‘I’m anxious to get home and see my son. My saddle needs checking. I hardly want to be accused of holding everything up as I was yesterday morning. Swimming will have to wait until I have time to spare.’
He dipped his head. ‘You used to enjoy swimming. Every chance you had once I taught you, you went swimming. I remembered that about you when I was in the lake. Funny how simple things come flooding back once the key to memory is found. What happened to that fearless girl?’
Kara curled a fist. He only remembered now. What he meant was that he had not thought about her while he was gone. She kept back the words asking him how many times he had swum in a lake over the last few years. ‘I grew up.’
‘And forgot what fun you used to have. Does my son swim?’
Kara hesitated. Swimming had to wait until Rurik was older. She’d argued with Hring about it on the day he died. She dreaded to think how much she’d worry when Rurik finally did learn to swim. ‘He is only six. Far too young.’
Ash made an irritated noise. ‘My father made sure I could swim before then. Too many men drown for the lack of knowledge.’ His face became carved from stone. ‘Far too many men. But not me. I swam when the fire rained on the sea.’
‘Your ability to swim saved your life?’
‘We had to swim ashore when the ship went down.’ His eyes looked straight through her. ‘Lightning struck the mast and the entire ship blazed within a matter of heartbeats. Those who could not swim, died. I used to wonder if they were the lucky ones.’
‘Why?’
‘They didn’t have to endure a fiery furnace and then the ice-cold hell of a Frankish dungeon.’
Kara clasped her hands together so she wouldn’t gather him into her arms. He looked so much like Rurik when he said that. She had never realised how much they were alike. ‘You must never consider that. You are alive and breathing.’
‘I would still change places with them in a heartbeat. They deserved better.’
‘You can’t decide any man’s fate but your own,’ she said and hoped it helped.
‘Rurik will start his lessons in survival as soon as we arrive in Jaarlshiem.’
‘But...but...’
‘I insist. It is my right as his father.’
Kara bowed her head. She knew Ash was right—Rurik should learn, but not yet. His last cold had been fierce and had lasted for months. ‘There is plenty of time for it. Winter is coming on. The lake will be far too cold at this time of year. Ice will completely cover the lake in a few weeks’ time.’
‘I will teach him, Kara.’ Ash gave a sudden heart-melting smile. ‘And to ice skate...unless he already knows. Skating on the lake at Jul-tide is magical.’
‘He will like that.’ Kara knew she spoke the truth. Rurik loved anything that smacked of danger. He had asked last winter several times about skating on the bone skates. She had put him off, promising some time this winter. ‘The ice must be thick enough. I won’t have him skating on thin ice. Even walking on the ice is forbidden. I know how easy it is to fall through.’
‘Of course you do. Very wise.’
‘Thank you.’
‘And my son obeys you?’
‘I’m his mother. Of course he does as I ask.’ Kara wrinkled her nose, considering. Rurik might be naughty on occasion, but he hadn’t ever done anything truly dangerous, not in the way Ash had. And she had Gudrun to thank for keeping an eye on him and informing her if he misbehaved. She hated that Rurik accused Gudrun of being a spy or worse, but it was necessary, particularly after Hring died.
‘What does he know how to do?’
‘He knows lots of things,’ Kara answered quickly. She had put a number of things off, telling herself that Valdar would teach Rurik and then he’d know how to do things properly, but it didn’t mean she kept him tied to her skirts. ‘Last winter was particularly troubling for me. Your father was ill... I wanted to be there when he learnt to skate. I scarcely had time to breathe. Rurik understood. He kept away from the lake.’
She winced. Except for that one incident, but luckily the dogs had found her before he had gone towards the thin ice.
Ash hung his head. ‘I would say sorry, but words won’t ease anything.’
‘No, they won’t. Ever.’
‘He can learn this winter. There will be no need for excuses.’ He titled his head to one side. ‘Do you still skate? You used to take terrible chances when you were little. I had to rescue you once. Your mother wrapped us both in blankets after you fell through the ice.’
Kara’s cheeks flamed. Trust Ash to mention something she had done to try to get her father’s attention. She had gone out farther than she should have. And her father had been too busy with his latest mistress to notice. Ash’s jumping in and rescuing her had sealed her adoration of him.
‘Far too much to do. Estates need careful management. If I took time off to skate, vital things would be left undone. But I know enough about the dangers of thin ice.’
He put his hand on her shoulder. ‘Everyone deserves time to play. I am back now. You will be able to skate again and I will make sure no one gets into trouble.’
For how long? How long until the quiet comforts of home paled beside the possible glories of war? She choked the words back with difficulty. ‘How kind, but will you even be here?’
‘Winter is coming. I’m not about to leave an unsettled estate. When the spring comes, then we will see. You can’t ask for more than that.’
Kara concentrated on breathing. In and out. What had she expected—Ash to declare that his travelling days were over because he had kissed her? Those delusions belonged in the past. He would go again. Late spring, if he could be bothered to stay for the planting. Early spring, if treasure and adventure still interested him. She had to make sure he didn’t take Rurik’s heart with him. Or hers, whispered a little voice. She silenced it.
‘You can have your father’s chamber. It is only right and fitting. I will move my things to Rurik’s bedchamber. We shared it before your father died.’
His eyes became shadowed. ‘You are determined to keep to the letter of our agreement.’
She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘Nothing has happened to alter it.’
‘I intend to honour the agreement.’ He put a hand on her shoulder. ‘You may have my father’s chamber. I’ve no wish to occupy it. Too many memories of being dragged there by my ear in trouble for one thing or another. My old cupboard bed will be sufficient if it still exists. If not, I will find a spot to rest. Sometimes I find it difficult to sleep in an enclosed place.’
‘It does.’
‘It will do for now. Remember, Kara. I’m here. I want to make this marriage work.’
Kara’s stomach clenched. How many times had she wanted him to be there and he wasn’t? How many times had she looked up at the painted ceiling and imagined his arms about her? ‘I will let you know when I intend to take you up on the invitation.’
He gave a sudden bark of laughter, rich and flowing over like honey.
‘What is so funny about that?’ she asked, trying to sound fierce.
His smile transformed his face, reminding her of the old Ash. Younger and more carefree. Her breath caught as she realised that she had missed that smile more than she wanted to admit. ‘You said when, not if. Progress. Little by little.’
‘If, I meant if.’ She rolled her eyes at her stupidity. Ash always twisted words to suit his purpose. ‘I dislike being teased. Always.’
He sobered instantly and the carefree Ash vanished from his face.
‘Be honest, Kara—’ his hooded look penetrated deep into the hidden spaces of her soul ‘—there were times you enjoyed teasing very much. Surely you haven’t forgotten the kissing games we used play?’
‘I...I...’ She knew precisely what he meant. During their short marriage, he had used to tease her body into pleasure, leaving her trembling on the brink. She was surprised that Ash remembered. She squashed the thought. He had not been enthralled enough to return quickly.
She glanced over her shoulder. ‘Your men are stirring. Morning comes. We need to go.’
‘You’re far prettier when your cheeks have colour.’ He cupped his fingers around her cheek. His breath fanned hers. ‘Has your guard dog Valdar ever dared to tease you?’
‘That is a personal question!’ she said, turning her face away. She should have known. It was not about her, but fighting over her like a bone. She should lie or at least she should imply a greater intimacy, but she knew it was impossible. Valdar could not be a shield between them. It wasn’t fair to use him in that way.
‘Has he?’ he demanded, capturing her chin. His mouth loomed above hers.
Her heart pounded in her ears. Say the wrong thing and he’d kiss her. A punishing kiss. What was worse was that a great part of her wanted to melt into it and see if it was like the kisses in her dream.
‘He treats me with respect,’ she said finally, turning her face from temptation. ‘Valdar helped me immeasurably after your father died. But he is honourable. He wanted to wait for our wedding night.’
The tension went out of Ash’s stance. He let her go. Kara stumbled backwards.
‘You do not know how glad that makes my heart to learn what I always suspected—Valdar Nerison failed to capitalise on his opportunities. If he had, we would be having a very different conversation.’
Kara pressed her hand to her temple. He’d deliberately misunderstood. ‘Valdar was being honourable. He waited because...because I asked him to.’
Ash held out his hands. ‘Hush. It’s in the past. Know what I did, I did in order to return here with my head held high. I want to be the sort of husband you wanted and not a failure.’
‘Do you know the sort of husband I require?’
‘I like to think I do. I aim to be that man.’ He put his hand on her shoulder. ‘We are going to meet our son. To be a family together. Properly. I came home in part because I wanted a family.’
When she was a girl, she had thought she wanted a hero for a husband, but it wasn’t what she really wanted. Kara’s stomach turned over. She wanted to have a man to share the burden of running Jaarlshiem with, rather than being forced to be the sole person making soul-altering decisions. She wanted a husband who would welcome his children into the world and who would be there when trouble struck. She wanted someone who would be her life’s partner, not her master.
Clanging in the back of her mind, she knew all the things Ash had said before about his dreams and what he wanted to accomplish in his life. They had been dreams of glory and travel, not harvests and hearths. What if she started to count on him and he decided to go off adventuring again?
‘Kara?’ He gave her a questioning glance. ‘Did you hear me? Your eyes have a faraway look. We are going to our home. I want to see what you have done to it.’
‘I look forward to showing you, but now I need to see to getting my horse ready for the journey. The saddle kept slipping yesterday.’
‘You suffered in silence? Speak and it can be fixed, but I have to know what the problem is.’
‘You are impossible. That is the problem.’
Ash watched Kara stalk off. Her dress swished, revealing the shape of her ankles and the delicious curve of her bottom. He felt his body respond to the sight.
The years had enhanced her. The gods favoured him finally. Or perhaps they were playing one of their many tricks like the time three years ago when he’d thought he had enough money, only to be cheated.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. He had refused to look back and remember his old pleasures because it was soul-destroying and pointless to long for things which he couldn’t have.
Memories assaulted him of how her skin flushed after they made love and how pleasant it had been to wake up with that bottom snuggled tight into him.
He shook his head and attempted to get his body under control.
It amazed him that simply being near to her did this to him. He wanted to learn all about her and the things she’d accomplished. Every time he encountered her, he wanted her more rather than less.
Women had not affected him in all the time he’d been gone. He had always supposed that it was because regaining his honour was far more important than a quick tumble. But it was more than that. And the fact scared him far more than facing any horde of warriors or the sea in full fury.
He hadn’t allowed himself to think about her properly for years, but now that he was here, he wondered how he’d ever forgotten her. He had to hope that he could be the hero of her dreams. He certainly wanted to be.
‘What made you so reluctant to take a risk?’ he whispered. ‘Who did this to you? And how can I get the trusting woman I married back? Can you accept me as I am or do I have to prove myself?’
* * *
Kara sat bolt upright in her saddle, willing the road to grow shorter and take less time. The closer they got to Jaarlshiem, the slower time seemed to go.
Always when she had been away she searched for the changes. Something was always different. This time there was no need to search. She knew—the man who rode beside her brought change.
She had left Jaarlshiem thinking she would be the bride of one man and had returned home with a different husband.
As Jaarlshiem and her reunion with Rurik came ever closer she had to seriously consider how she was going to break the news to him that his father had not died before he was born, but was alive. That his new father would not be Valdar, the man he nightly prayed to be his father, but instead his real father. Would it be better if she could convince Ash to wait and to gain Rurik’s trust first? Rurik could be shy, particularly with strangers. She wanted the meeting to go well, rather than be strained.
‘You’re miles away,’ Ash said, catching the reins.
Her horse stumbled and she managed to keep from falling by grabbing on to the saddle for dear life.
‘What are you doing?’ Indignation rose in her throat. Ash had no business grabbing the reins. He had nearly caused a bad accident.
‘You allowed your horse to wander off the path. You were headed straight for the bog. It would have impeded our progress. Those bogs are notoriously tricky. Until my father had this road built, we lost men and horses every year, particularly in the autumn. When I was ten, my father made me find my way out. I was covered in stinking mud and shaking with cold by the time I reached home.’
‘Your father was cruel.’
‘But effective. I never boasted about my ability to navigate again. It helped me survive after I’d escaped.’ He shrugged. ‘I’ve no idea what you think about your horse’s life, but I value it and yours.’
Kara saw where Ash pointed. A shiver went down her back. She hadn’t even realised that they were that close to the bog.
‘I was thinking about home and what waited for us,’ she admitted, keeping her gaze straight ahead of her. ‘There are so many things to be done once we arrive. I keep getting this feeling that something is wrong. Something has happened... It is always this way when I am away from Jaarlshiem. I can’t wait to be back, but I worry that something terrible has happened.’
‘You worry about our son.’
‘Yes,’ Kara admitted reluctantly. ‘He is in my thoughts constantly. He’s a little boy, Ash. It is a mother’s job to worry. I want him to grow up happy and well.’
‘What are you going to tell him, about me and my return?’ He handed her back the reins. ‘I assume you will want to be the one to tell him.’
Kara concentrated on her horse’s twitching ears. He was giving her a choice. She thought he would blurt it out the instant he encountered Rurik. Ash had never been one to be tactful or realise that another’s feelings mattered. ‘You are giving me the opportunity to tell him? You are not simply going to leap down from your horse and demand to see your son?’
‘How old is the boy? Six? The last thing I want is a scene in front of the tuntreet. I can remember what it was like to meet my father for the first time.’
‘Can you? Hring never told that tale,’ Kara said, surprised. Funny, it was the sort of tale Hring liked to tell—a warrior returning home.
‘He had left just after my birth and didn’t return until I was five. After my mother died.’ He tilted his head to one side. ‘Is my son timid? I hid behind my aunt’s skirts when I first beheld my father and refused to greet him properly. It went badly.’
Kara bit her lip. Rurik was far too reckless for his own good. Far too impetuous. He liked to boast that nothing frightened him, but she knew the truth. She’d seen his white face and trembling hands. ‘Not timid, but he adores Valdar and has talked of being his son for months. He takes disappointments hard.’
‘I want him told, Kara. Before the sun goes down.’
Kara concentrated on her horse’s twitching ears. ‘You are going to allow me to do this in my own time.’
‘As long as you do it when we arrive, you may use your own words.’
‘That is far from the same thing.’
‘Consider it a favour that I allow you that.’ He gave a crooked smile which made her heart thump. ‘To stop you from riding your horse into another bog.’
‘You are not making this easy for me. I think it wise that we wait for a few days,’ Kara said, making her mind up. ‘Give him time to get used to you before you start demanding he love you.’
‘He is my son. I have spent far too many years away from him.’
* * *
Ash spurred his horse on around the last bend before Jaarlshiem.
With every mile they had covered, Kara had grown quieter and more remote. For a few heartbeats this morning when he had first spied her, he had thought he’d broken through her reserve, but she had retreated again into that impenetrable shell. And now she wanted to keep the truth from their son. Was he ever going to do enough?
‘Ash! Stop! You are going too fast. It isn’t a race.’
Ash turned slightly in his saddle. ‘I take it the hall is in the same place.’
‘It hasn’t burnt down. You said I could tell Rurik. If you go before me...’
Ash stroked his chin. What was Kara concerned about? From everything she had said, it appeared she kept the boy tightly on the lead strings. It was the wrong approach. He knew when he had been forbidden things, he’d acted out, often times getting into more danger than he should have been in.
‘We go together. Arrive together. I want to be there when you tell Rurik.’
Her cheek coloured. ‘Yes, of course, if you don’t trust me.’
‘Caution remains my watchword.’
They rounded the bend and the gabled long house with all of its outbuildings stood before him. The road through the bog might be in disrepair, but the farm certainly wasn’t. A prosperous air hung about the place.
The tuntreet with its leaves in autumnal splendour stood in front of the double doors. Even the air felt different, softer. Ash’s heart clenched.
How many times had he dreamt of this? Riding in to reclaim his heritage. To see his father’s eyes light up with the knowledge that his son had returned the sort of warrior a man could be proud of? And even now, he couldn’t be sure he was. All he knew was that he had returned home.
It was harder riding the final few miles to Jaarlshiem than it had been when he first learnt of his father’s death in Sand. Everywhere he looked, he saw ghosts and reminders of his former self, lurking and waiting for him to make a mistake.
‘Ash, your father would be overjoyed that you have returned.’
‘Are my feelings that obvious?’ he enquired in a tone that normally had his men running for cover, rather than continuing with the subject.
Kara’s hands tightened on her reins. ‘They have always been to me. I’m your wife. I learnt to notice things years ago. Otherwise...’
A wave of guilt swept over Ash. Kara noticed things about him, but she didn’t expect him to notice anything about her. There were times when he wanted to shake his younger self for his arrogant selfish behaviour.
‘I hope you will allow me the chance to learn things about you. I do want to learn. Everything. I already have immense admiration for you. There are not many women who could have ridden as hard as you have.’
Her red lips curved up into a sad smile. It was all Ash could do to keep from stopping their horses, hauling her into his arms and kissing her senseless. And that would be a mistake. She reminded him of his falcon, the one who had not trusted him after the broken wing. It had been Kara who had showed him how to tame the bird and regain its trust.
Patience where he had wanted everything at once.
He had had to relearn the lesson of the falcon several times, but it had served him over the past few years. All things came to the man who was patient and who noticed the little details.
‘You mean you have forgotten.’ Sadness and resignation laced her voice.
‘I want to learn about the you of today, rather than trying to force you to be the young woman you once were.’ Ash’s nerves coiled. He had to get these words right. He had to undo the mistake of yesterday’s careless words. He had to hope that the woman she now was would see the sort of man he wanted to be and approve. Faced with the tuntreet, he knew he’d never be the sort of warrior his father demanded.
‘Do you?’
‘You are infinitely more complex and I want to uncover all your secrets.’
He waited for her answering smile. ‘I have no secrets. I never did.’
‘Women always have secrets. Denying them simply makes me more determined to uncover them with you.’ He turned in the saddle and looked directly into her deep blue eyes. Silently he wished he could do something to make her see that he was capable of being a hero. ‘I do remember, Kara. You could always make your horse go faster. You have a way with animals, but I could climb higher than you and reach the birds’ nests more swiftly. A point which used to irritate you to no end.’
‘You’re being impossible.’
Ash stilled and the teasing remark died on his lips.
He strained forward to see better. There was a movement on top of the left gable. His blood ran cold. The gods still had the strangest way of granting his wishes. Not a raven or even a cat, but a person. A child, clinging to the gable, who attempted to move, but slipped and started to dangle dangerously. And he knew being a hero didn’t matter. Rescuing the unknown child did.
He spurred his horse, signalling to his men to follow.
‘Is there something wrong, Ash?’ Kara called after him.
‘Look!’
‘Help me!’ A child’s voice floated towards them. ‘Someone please help me. Gudrun! Anyone!’
Kara’s anguished scream rang out. ‘Oh, gods! It’s Rurik! And he is going to fall!’
Ash urged his horse forward. ‘Not if I have anything to do with it.’