It’s a tactile world we live in, from the fine touch required to gently tend a child’s grazed knee, to the simple enjoyment of running your fingertips across the surface of a well-finished piece of furniture, to the intimate and caring caress of one’s partner. How would we live without it? Not easily and not well. Then there is that subtle sense of being in touch, say, being able to read the feelings of a friend or close relative. In this chapter we will explore the role of touch and how we can cultivate it mindfully in the home.
Living mindfully with pleasure and pain
Let’s get a little philosophical for a moment. Senses have a functional role, with one important function being to encourage us to do the things that are important for survival (generally things that are pleasant) and avoid things that might be dangerous (generally things that are unpleasant). So, burning our hand on the stove is unpleasant and we generally try to avoid it, whereas making love is pleasant so most people are positively disposed to it. Does that mean that pleasure is always good and that more is always better? Does that also mean that pain is always bad and should always be avoided? No, on both accounts.
Pleasure and pain are sometimes described as being the two banks between which the river of life flows. A problem arises when we get ‘snagged’ on one or other bank. What does that mean? Well, the warmth and softness of the blankets or quilt on a cool morning has to be one of life’s pleasures, the enjoyment of which seems to be amplified enormously when the competing need for work or exercise beckons. If our reference point is what is pleasant to touch rather than what is necessary or healthy, then we are unlikely to get out of bed at all. We could phone the boss and say that in bed that morning we got ‘snagged’ on the pleasure of sleeping in and couldn’t make it to work, but the boss is not likely to be very sympathetic. We could tell the doctor tending our heart attack in the emergency ward that we never get out of bed to be physically active because we get snagged on the bedclothes, but that won’t alter the fact of them telling us that exercise is one of the body’s non-negotiable needs.
The brain’s pleasure or reward centres are important but they only have one reference point — more pleasure and less pain. But sometimes things that are pleasant are neither necessary nor healthy, or at least not in excess, and things that are uncomfortable may be both necessary and healthy. The pleasure centres are not able to make this distinction. That is the job of the areas of the psyche and brain with the capacity for reason and discernment (the executive functioning area or prefrontal cortex). If we overfeed the pleasure or reward centres and don’t exercise the executive functioning areas then we find it hard to make good choices, and in the end we cause ourselves a lot more pain than we desired or anticipated.
Strangely, freedom lies in the non-attachment to pleasure and pain rather than the futile attempt to enjoy a life of unbridled pleasure. In self-mastery lies freedom and happiness. This has been well understood by wisdom traditions for millennia, but the widespread misunderstanding of this simple truth in the modern world is one of the main factors behind the increasingly addictive and depressive world we currently live in.
It is one of the key elements of mindfulness practice to be able to observe the constant flux of pleasure and pain with less and less attachment to them. That doesn’t mean the abnegation of all things pleasurable, or the pursuit of all things painful just for their own sake. It just means that we can enjoy pleasant things when they are there without craving them, clinging to them or pursuing them when our better judgment says otherwise. It also means that we can better endure things that are uncomfortable with less suffering when there is a good reason to do so. This goes to the heart of self-mastery and living with wisdom.
Mindfulness meditation will teach us much about being able to sit without attachment in the presence of pleasant and unpleasant physical and emotional states. It cultivates a type of equanimity. But this has to be supported and deepened by our ability to translate that into our daily lives. We need to be mindful enough to be aware of what governs our moment-by-moment decisions and to choose wisely. It won’t always be easy but the more we do it the better it will be for us and for those with whom we live.
Being in touch in the home
On a practical level, how can we mindfully feed, rather than indulge, the sense of touch in the home? Paying attention is a good start and our home environment is full of opportunities. There is enough in our environment already. When mindful enough to remember, practise being in touch, even with simple and mundane activities. Feel the crockery you are washing. Feel the texture of the bench you are wiping. Feel the pressure of the fingers on the keyboard or pen with which you are writing. Feel the touch of the person whose hand you are holding. Feel the weight and movement of the chainsaw you are using in the garden.
Why? For a start it will help to get us out of our heads and the constant flow of worry or preoccupation we are generally caught up in. We will find that mundane life becomes much more interesting when we mindfully shift the attention from the repetitive internal dialogue we have with ourselves about how boring life is and that we would be better off being anywhere other than here and now. These mundane activities will become much fuller and richer as life starts to fill itself with simple pleasures. Simply by paying attention, our work and actions will be performed more safely, efficiently and effectively, and less expensively. We will learn and become more expert in doing something if we pay attention to it and the time will pass more easily. Furthermore, when your attention is fully engaged that’s when creativity can open up. There is much to gain and nothing to lose by being in touch.
It’s a simple but lovely thing to be in touch. We take so many things for granted and rarely stop to consciously and intentionally enjoy the surface of that carefully crafted piece of furniture, the crisp touch of freshly laundered sheets or the surface of a just-washed plate. The point is to feed, not overfeed, the senses. The experience of a warm shower, especially after a run in the cold morning air, is a sheer delight. But if we are still indulging that enjoyment to the point that we are running late for work or have drained the town’s water storage then we might be taking it a little too far. Notice, too, the habitual avoidance of discomfort. For example, the discomfort of getting out of bed in the morning is minimal and short-lived but it can create havoc with a person’s life and simply plunge them into a world of rumination and set up a pattern of avoidance.
We can also choose to consciously bring things into our world that engage the sense of touch. Do we take time to feel the textures of the plants we put in the garden? Do we choose the craftworks around our home as much for what they can offer us tactilely as visually?
Children and the tactile world
Helping children to develop their sense of touch with experiments and exploration is a vital part of engaging them and teaching them about the world in which they live. Teach them crafts. Let them get their hands dirty planting seedlings in a vegetable garden or creating a worm farm. Play games that involve touch. Close the eyes and feel. Use the sense of touch when walking in the park. One of the most unfortunate aspects of home and school life for many children and adolescents these days is that nearly all the tactile experiences that were once a normal part of growing up have been replaced by virtual, on-screen experiences. No wonder many children are so easily bored and find it hard to engage attention for long with anything that is not screaming at them.
Young children are naturally curious and their world is full of new experiences and sensations — all day long. It could be seen as sensory overload except that it is all fresh and in the moment for them. They absorb experience like a sponge.
