Chapter 31

 

May 15, 1813

 

Elizabeth heard a soft knock on the door. “Come in,” she called. Georgiana entered the room, and Elizabeth was thankful to have some company. She had been left alone to rest after her fall, and while her body was fatigued, the accompanying aches caused rest to elude her.

“Hello, Elizabeth, were you able to get some rest?”

“Sadly, no. The accommodations leave nothing to be desired, but I'm afraid the pain is keeping me awake.”

“Doctor Hardey left some laudanum, which would help with both the pain and sleep. Shall I go fetch it?”

“No, thank you. I find it does not agree with my stomach. And now that you are here, sleep does not sound as appealing. I have come to Pemberley to help with your loneliness yet find I have been here nearly half a day and have spoken no more than ten words to you.”

Georgiana smiled and took the seat next to Elizabeth's bed. “You have had a very eventful day. I do not fault you. But now that you are settled, I cannot imagine a more perfect way to spend my time than to sit here and keep you company. I am sorry you and Fitzwilliam had to wait outside for me for so long. It is my fault you were both soaked, and as the rain caused the stairs to grow slippery, I feel responsible for your fall.”

At the sound of Mr. Darcy's Christian name, Lizzy colored but she responded, “Not at all Georgiana. I simply lost my footing. You are not to blame.”

Georgiana had seen her guest's discomfort at the mention of her brother. She felt she could not avoid the uncomfortable tension that filled the room. “Elizabeth, Fitzwilliam told me he was going to ask for your hand, and I admit I was thrilled at the prospect of having you for a sister. I did encourage him, and I know now that his affections were unwanted. I just want to apologize if he made you feel uncomfortable or if he caused you any distress.”

Elizabeth was relieved that her hostess had brought up the topic. “I do not blame you, Georgiana. I suppose I should be flattered, it is just that his proposal was…rather insulting actually. It was also very odd that he seemed to fail to grasp that I had rejected his request most adamantly.”

Georgiana felt guilty, “I imagine that I am, at least in small part, also responsible for some of his offensive remarks. When Fitzwilliam gets nervous or wants something very badly, he does not always express himself as well as he should. I was worried he would be nervous and I attempted to bolster his confidence. I do not know what conversation occurred between you both, but if he said or did anything that made him seem arrogant or acted as if you simply could not refuse him, I may have inadvertently encouraged him in that regard.”

“He did seem a little full of himself. I even recall him saying it was my duty to my Country to accept.”

Georgiana laughed. “You are too kind to say he was merely a 'little full of himself'. Such comments would make a person seem he was entirely full of himself, which is very much unlike him. In reality, he does not fully understand his true worth. He is proud of the position of Master of Pemberley but is entirely ignorant of the value of Fitzwilliam Darcy. I believe you may hold me responsible for that particular comment. He may have taken my inspirational speech a little too much to heart.” Georgiana explained the terrible analogy she had used to try to assure her brother that his proposal would be successful. She then pleaded with Elizabeth for forgiveness for using such a foolish example.

Lizzy acknowledged that comparing the disparity between their respective families to that which existed between the Darcys and the Royal family was a little hurtful, but she readily forgave the younger girl. Lizzy remembered that it was only with the help and guidance of Charlotte that she had been prevented from interfering in Jane's romantic relationship. Georgiana had meant well and had very little experience in life from which to draw when attempting to counsel her brother.

Miss Bennet then recounted other highlights from the proposal, and the two laughed at the absurdity of it all. After speaking with Georgiana, Lizzy felt much lighter. She had been concerned about staying at Pemberley and that her relationship with Georgiana would be strained and awkward, considering her grim opinion of Mr. Darcy. Now, at least, the air had been cleared between her and her friend and such fears were allayed. Georgiana had also begged her not to judge Fitzwilliam by their last conversation alone. Lizzy indicated she would consider the request but was not sure her opinion could so easily be mended.

The conversation came to its conclusion when Lizzy's stomach loudly protested against its neglect. “Oh! How could I have been so thoughtless?” Georgiana stammered, legitimately horrified at her failure as a hostess. “You have not eaten since you arrived. Let me go find someone that can have some food sent up to you!”

As Georgiana left to tend to her guest, her thoughts shifted to her brother and Mr. Bingley. She had found the two earlier in the day conspiratorially discussing methods to corner poor Elizabeth in order to convince her of her brother's true nature. She had heard enough at the time to surmise that Fitzwilliam had not acted at all like himself when he had confessed to Elizabeth. Now after hearing the details from Elizabeth, she wondered how it was possible that her brother could have behaved so utterly out of character. It was true, she thought. Love can make people do crazy things. If he had been his normal good-natured, although reserved self, she might have agreed. But now, after making a fool out of himself, his best friend was sitting with him in the study, trying to convince him he must engage in machinations to win Lizzy's heart. After asking a servant to prepare a tray for Elizabeth, Georgiana searched for Jane. Once finding her, she suggested Jane ask Mr. Bingley play a game of Spillikins. This provided her with the opportunity to speak to her brother privately.

“Fitzwilliam, I know your friend means well, but I believe the reason your attentions have been rebuffed is that you are not acting like yourself. It is not like you to try to force someone to enjoy your company. Do you think it is possible that if you could just act naturally around her, you might have greater success?”

“I do not know.” A crestfallen expression marred his features. “These waters are uncharted and I feel cut adrift. I know not how to proceed as I have spent all my adult life fending off the affections of ladies. I know not how one goes about attracting them. Bingley has always had a friendly way of drawing people toward him. I thought perhaps I might benefit from his expertise in this area.”

“I, too, am unfamiliar with the art of courting,” she began in a soft voice. “But I have spoken with Elizabeth. It seems to me that you permitted the well-intended advice of those closest to you to affect your delivery and, in doing so, left her with a poor impression.”

“I do suppose there is some truth to what you say.” He stood and paced to the fireplace and back. “I spoke more openly and honestly than I believed prudent. I spoke to her as I would speak to you or Bingley, not bothering to shield her from any of the ridiculous assumptions and feelings I encountered as I mulled over my newly discovered affections. I assumed she would accept me for practical reasons. I chose to speak freely, for I thought with time, as she grew to know me better, she would reflect on that day and find gratitude for my honesty. I suppose in this way I went against my better judgment. I had foolishly viewed the proposal as a mere formality.”

“And what does your inner voice tell you to do now?”

“It tells me to walk away and let her be,” Darcy said, frowning. “I refused to see it at first. I was attempting to convince myself she would change her mind. But even after a few hours of reflection, I see I have done nothing to earn her good esteem and have behaved like an oaf. I cannot imagine overcoming my blunders and winning her heart.” Although Darcy spoke the truth, he was struggling to accept the advice of his conscience for, to do so, would be gut-wrenchingly painful.

Somehow, Georgiana sensed this. “I do not know if she will ever grow to love you, but Elizabeth has a kind and forgiving heart. Perhaps you can seek her friendship and learn from this experience in case you are lucky enough to find love a second time.”

Darcy considered this prospect and agreed. At Georgiana's suggestion he penned a letter asking Elizabeth to forgive him and consider an offer of friendship.

Georgiana found the maid as she was readying the tray to bring to Elizabeth. “Thank you, Mary, I shall take that to her.” Georgiana took the tray and set a book her brother had selected next to the plate of food.

Elizabeth's eyes lit up when she saw the plate. It was not until the sight and smell of food hit her senses that she became fully aware of her hunger.

“Elizabeth, I have brought you a book to read. I thought perhaps your mind was hungry as well. Fitzwilliam picked it out and he has wonderful taste in literature. I have had the most fascinating conversations with him on such topics.” Georgiana placed a leatherbound book on the small table by Elizabeth's bedside. Georgiana stayed in the room and made conversation while Lizzy ate, and then she excused herself to return the tray to the kitchen once her friend was satisfied.

Lizzy picked up the book and an envelope fell out. Her name was written across the front, so she broke the seal and began to read.

Dear Miss Bennet,

First, I must sincerely apologize, for upon reflection, I have come to realize how self-centered, rude, and hurtful my proposal had been. You are the last person in the world I would wish to offend, and I see now that my words left you with no alternative response. I have no excuse, but perhaps I can offer an explanation.

As you have no doubt observed, I lack the power of discernment and I am wanting in certain social graces. During my formative years, I was raised as an only child, for Georgiana is twelve years my junior. My cousins lived in London and Hunsford, and as you may have noted, Pemberley is not only in the country, it is many miles from the nearest estate, ten miles in fact. These circumstances left me with few opportunities to interact with others my age. It was, by most accounts, a happy but very lonely and solitary childhood.

My parents, hoping to create an environment in which I could overcome my deficiencies and ease the pangs of isolation, welcomed the son of my father's overseer into our lives, treating him very much as they would another son. He possessed a natural charm and eloquence that drew people of all ages to his side. He could talk his way out of any scrape and convince anyone to give in to his will, regardless of the consequences. At first, I very much admired him and hoped to learn from him, but I began to see the duplicity of his character. He spoke honeyed words and paid insincere compliments to achieve his own ends. Truths would be twisted to save himself at the expense of pain to others. In short, his charm was simply pretty lies delivered without regard to the consequences or suffering that resulted from his actions. Wherever he went, he left behind a wake of sadness. Often those hurting could not believe their pain was caused by this charming creature, and so they took the blame upon themselves.

Watching this unfold, I grew repulsed by his actions and rejected the lessons he had to offer in the areas of social grace. I believed that once I emerged from the confines of my family home, I would be able to improve in this area with the aid of people who had less selfish motives. The day came when I was sent to Cambridge to begin my studies, and I discovered two truths. The first was that I am painfully shy. The second is that while wealth has afforded me many opportunities in life, it also has disadvantages. People were interested, not in me, but in the future heir of Pemberley. This realization did not encourage me to foster relationships which would have helped me to overcome my shyness. And so, I remained reclusive through college, making only a handful of friends and failing to secure the practice necessary to improve those social manners born only through practice.

You have made yourself clear in terms of your interest in my offer, but I fear that my awkward behavior has damaged the possibility of a friendship between us, which is something I would both appreciate and treasure. I may ask too much, and I do not intend to push my request, but should you accept my humblest apologies and allow me another opportunity to earn your friendship, I would be forever in your debt.

I have asked my sister to offer you this book as I found it most interesting and believe you too would enjoy it. The author has an uncanny ability to weave the events of the society and culture into the narrative of his story providing greater context to the impact and response generated by the eruption of Vesuvius. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did.

God bless you,

Fitzwilliam Darcy