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Things I Wish My Stepmom Knew: A Different Perspective
Two little lines I heard one day, traveling along life’s busy way; bringing conviction to my heart, and from my mind would not depart; only one life, ’twill soon be past, only what’s done for Christ will last.
—C. T. Studd, missionary to China 1860–1931
“I have seen the Lord!”
—Mary of Magdala, formerly possessed by seven demons and the first person to see the risen Christ
A few years ago I was asked to speak to stepmoms at an international MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) conference. Around twenty ladies joined the gathering as I shared how to become a smart stepmom, and they loved it.
What happened after the session is the interesting part. Sitting at my book table in the large convention hall I noticed a pattern emerge that I had not yet experienced.
Young woman after young woman would walk by my table, glance at my book The Smart Stepmom, and walk by with a “that doesn’t apply to me” look on her face. A few steps away they would stop, turn around, and come back. Each one would pick up a copy and look through the chapters, often with tears welling. I engaged them in conversation, explaining the book contents as I always do, and without fail they responded with almost identical phrases. “I am not a stepmom, but I have one. My dad remarried __ years ago. I’d love to buy her this book, but I’m sure she would be offended.”
I would take each woman’s hand and reply, “I’ve had two stepmoms—I understand.” Knowing I understood, they continued with their stories. Soon it dawned on me; I was missing a prime opportunity to hear their perspective. As the day wore on I began to ask, “If you could tell your stepmom anything, without fear that she or your dad would get mad at you, what would it be?”
The following tips are based on comments from adult, teen, and young stepkids.
Tip #48 “It Feels Like I Lost My Dad”
Without a doubt, hands down, no competition, the number one response from stepkids—young and old—is that they feel like they lost their dad when he got remarried. This may actually be true or it might be a perception. Regardless, a stepmom can go a long way to alleviate the issue by encouraging her husband to spend time alone with his kids and grandkids. It’s as simple as that.
Stepmoms often bring warmth, stability, cleanliness, organization, clean laundry, and home-cooked meals back into the house. Therefore, the kids like having her there. They also sense that she really cares about them. Several stepkids shared with me, “My stepmom is one of the nicest, kindest, most loving people I have ever met. I’m so glad to have her in my life.”
Ann, a stepmom friend, shared with me a note she received from her teen stepson. He was working on a school paper and shared his comments with her. A childless stepmom and an ordained minister, she wasn’t sure she was having much of an impact in her role as a stepmom. However, his words confirm that when it comes to parenting, more is caught than taught: “My stepmother, Ann, vibrantly exemplifies the love of Jesus. Even on the toughest days in her corporate job, I see her look to God for comfort and clarity. Her love of God has been an example and an inspiration for me on my spiritual journey. While she’s not a perfect person, she looks toward biblical standards for everything. Her whole life is about her Creator. She lives a life of worship, not just in church on Sunday. When I am in a room with her I notice her unique spirit and realize she’s been changed by the one true God. She’s prepared me for living without relying solely on my parents, but on God. I’m learning to let go and let God control my life.”
I’ve got one thing to say, “Way to go, Stepmom Ann!”
Tip #50 “My Mom Hates You”
Stepkids wish their stepmom understood why they are in conflict and turmoil about how to respond to her. They want her to know that they don’t view her as a bad person, and given different circumstances they would enjoy her company. If the stepmom is hated by the mother, the children’s loyalty will remain with their mom almost every time. They will withhold their love for a stepmom in order to keep peace and allegiance to the biological parent.
Tip #51 “I Don’t Like Sharing My Dad With Your Kids/Grandkids”
“My father has his own grandkids. Why does he have to spend so much time with and dote on hers?” a thirty-something woman stated.
Daughters in particular get really angry when they feel as though a stepmom has caused their dad to withdraw his attention and affection from his biological kids and shifted it toward the stepmother’s family.
To take this one level higher, if she feels her own children are being slighted and losing Grandpa, and the stepmom is replacing his grandkids with her own—look out!! It can get ugly.
Because the woman in the home usually manages the calendar and we naturally gravitate to our own families, it’s very easy for a stepmom and her husband to spend more time with her family than with his. This is especially true if the stepmom feels uncomfortable or slighted around his kids.
It’s possible that the dad doesn’t even realize they are spending more time with her family than with his. However, a smart stepmom doesn’t try to replace her husband’s kids with her family. She recognizes that it will only widen the gap and the dissention between her and her stepkids.
Tip #52 “Thanks for Making My Dad Happy Again”
“My father was so sad after my mom died. It’s wonderful to see him laugh again,” stepdaughter Crystal shared with me. “She has been a godsend to him and to us. Now I don’t worry about him being alone.”
Even kids who have lived through the divorce of their parents may observe how the stepmom has brought joy back into their dad’s life. If their dad was extremely lonely after a divorce, and the kids felt they had to take care of him or provide ways to help him overcome the grief, they might feel relieved.
“After the divorce I was worried my dad might take his life,” stepson Ted explained. “Since he met Noreen, he’s back to himself. I’m so grateful to her for helping my dad enjoy living again.”
Tip #53 “Why Do You Dislike Me?”
People—including kids—can tell when you don’t like them. And it’s very easy for a stepmom to dislike her stepkids. Let’s face it; whether big or small, they are sometimes self-centered, mouthy, menacing, and hurtful intrusions to life. During my stepmom journey there were times I struggled to embrace my husband’s kids.
Then I would remember my vow. When I stood before God and made a lifelong commitment to my husband, I promised to walk alongside all of him—including his kids. And I knew if I was willing, God would teach me how to love people that hurt me, including my stepsons.
I can’t make my stepsons love or even like me, but I can show them that I care. A driving force was that I wanted them to feel loved and secure in our home. I know how hard it is when parents divorce and you feel like you don’t belong anywhere. I didn’t want my stepsons to feel that way.
Therefore, I made a conscious decision to show them “I may not always like your choices, but I will always care about you.” When they were younger, it meant making some of the foods they like and attending basketball games. When they entered their twenties, this morphed into alleviating stepfamily wedding stress and embracing their new wives. And now that they are dads, I show my affection by loving their children.
It’s a choice and it takes time. I haven’t always done it perfectly. I’m certain my occasional bad attitude was revealed by my body language. But I’ve worked hard to communicate that I care and have compassion toward them.
Tip #54 “Thanks for Reaching Out to Me”
One of the things a smart stepmom understands is that she may not see the fruit from her labor until the kids become adults.
“When I joined the military, that’s when I realized what a great stepmom I have,” Michael explained. “Boot camp was a time to reflect on what is important in life. And I remembered all the times when I was younger that my stepmom made special meals for me and helped me with my homework. She taught me to be respectful to others too. I’m glad she is in my life.”
“Plus,” he added, “She sends me stuff from home that I love and I can’t get now. She’s great.”
My friend Carrie Soares is one smart stepmom. She grew up in a stepfamily and is using that difficult experience to mold her decisions and actions as a stepmom. She accepts her unique role and why it is crucial to learn, recognize, and admit when she is doing something wrong.
She has given me permission to share the insights and encouragement she offers to her fellow stepmoms:
The position you hold in your stepchild’s life is extremely influential even when he or she doesn’t act like it. You will deeply hurt your stepchild, and the future of your relationship, if you criticize their mother or make the child feel like a visitor in your home. Remember, the child was there first. Even if their parents’ marriage was extremely unhealthy, there is still a small place in the child’s heart that wishes it could and would have worked out. Give your stepchild permission to grieve the loss of the original family.
As a stepmom you have the unique opportunity to know your stepchild from an objective point of view. If trust is built, the child may reveal problems or situations with a stepparent that they might not divulge to a biological parent.
On behalf of stepchildren everywhere, thank you for each and every time you’ve chosen to engage when you didn’t want to and shared your advice, money, french fries, skills, car, home, and time with your stepchild.
As a stepchild myself, I say thank you for the times you helped your stepchild learn how to read, tie their shoes, brush their teeth, drive, cook, put makeup on, pray, and balance a checkbook. Thank you for the times you avoided saying something critical about the mom, dad, or child.
Now you know why I view my friend Carrie as one smart stepmom.
Tip #55 “My Dad Is Acting Like a Teenager. It’s Ridiculous.”
When we enter a new romantic relationship we often act like—um, how can I say this nicely—fools! The person may be giddy and talk incessantly about their new love. They flit around on a perpetual cloud. It’s lovely—for the person in love. For those observing the behavior, it seems ridiculous.
Add the stepfamily dynamic, and you have a more complicated yuck factor to consider. In general, kids are uncomfortable thinking about their parents from a sexual perspective. And when they witness affection between a parent and stepparent, it triggers troubling thoughts and emotions. To be blunt—the kids think it’s gross and disturbing. They don’t like it. “Why are you kissing my mom? It doesn’t feel right.”
This is another form of grief for the child (including adult children). It is a reminder that the former marriage is over, particularly if the mom and dad didn’t show affection toward each other in the marriage. If children have never seen their dad hug or kiss another woman, this may be extremely awkward.
During the dating season it’s advisable to keep physical contact between the couple to a minimum, gradually adding holding hands, etc. After the marriage it’s best to observe how they react when their dad shows affection toward the stepmom, and decide whether a discussion should take place.
For the stepmom, it’s advisable to refrain from ignoring the child’s reaction or having an “it’s too bad if you don’t like it” attitude. That doesn’t mean the couple needs to avoid any physical contact in front of the kids. Merely take it slow if the kids reveal resistance.
One suggestion is to set up a code word that alerts the couple when the child is feeling uncomfortable. That way when the stepchild speaks the code word, everyone can laugh, and it lightens the atmosphere.
Tip #56 “I Can Tell You Things I Can’t Tell My Parents”
One of the perks of being a stepmom is that the kids often view you as a confidante or an ally. In my senior year of high school I told my stepdad about my dad’s wife being pregnant. I wouldn’t tell my mom because I knew she would be furious. (He agreed.) It was “our secret” until my mom found out from a family member a few years later. By that time I was older and it didn’t matter as much.
Sometimes a stepchild will share day-to-day school events; other times it’s much more serious. “My ten-year-old stepdaughter told me that she feels uncomfortable around her mom’s new boyfriend. She doesn’t like the way he looks at her, plus he gives her long hugs,” stepmom Sabrina expressed. “She fears her mother or father might be mad at her if she tells anyone. Although I hate being in the middle of this awkward situation, I’m so glad she trusts me. After his daughter left I spoke with my husband. We are coming up with a plan together.”
In this ever-changing world, kids need an ally more than ever. And sometimes that person is the stepmom.
Tip #57 “Are You Getting My Inheritance?”
A common resentment that arises with adult stepkids is the issue of money or an inheritance. They often wonder if the stepmom is going to receive their dad’s life insurance, bank account, property, and investments when he dies.
It is vitally important for the stepfamily couple to discuss this situation, preferably before they marry. Each person needs to clearly explain and listen to what the other views as reasonable. If they strongly disagree and cannot resolve the issue, it is an indication that they should not marry.
Once in agreement on how they will handle their financial future, it’s crucial for them to obtain an attorney and draw up the paperwork in a will or a trust. This person should be someone who can ask the hard questions that will force the couple to review numerous end-of-life decisions. This includes financial and property resolutions, but also sensitive issues such as who is in charge of making the choices regarding a feeding tube or life support.
If that wasn’t complicated enough, there is one more vital step. Your husband needs to be the one to share these decisions with his children. It is not the stepmom’s role, and it can create further complexities if she steps in. It’s an extremely selfish man who leaves these issues behind after he dies, which forces his grieving, fragile wife and kids to “duke it out” after he is gone.
Tip #58 “I Feel Terrible for the Way I’ve Treated You”
I once read this quote by David Brinkley: “A successful woman is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at her.”
Over the last twenty years, my adult stepsons, sometimes via their wives, have each made comments about how badly they treated me when they were growing up. We laugh about it now, and I even call myself the “wicked stepmother” in front of them.
My stepsons know that I had two stepmoms while growing up, so I understand. However, it is nice to hear a stepchild admit that they were a bit of a brat. This usually occurs after they have children of their own and they recognize how hard it is to be a parent. My oldest stepson even has a stepdaughter now.
That’s when a stepmom chuckles.
Listen to the words one stepmom received after a few years of battling with a difficult teen stepdaughter:
I wouldn’t be the person I am today if my dad hadn’t introduced me to you. There was a night a few years ago when we were having a family meeting and I said you weren’t my parent. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about saying those hurtful words to you. I do see you as a parent and not just a stepmom but as my best friend too. For some time I have thought about apologizing to you but I didn’t know how. I can’t wait to spend the next four years waking up seeing your pre-shower face, while at the same time my alarm is blasting for fifteen minutes. Most of all I can’t wait to start the journey with you, my dad, me, my brother, and the new baby.
Not every stepmom will receive a letter like this, but many will. The tip is to keep doing the right thing one step after the other. And leave the rest up to the One greater than ourselves.
Gracious God, fill my heart with your exuberant gift of love. Teach me to be sensitive, compassionate, and teachable regarding my stepchildren. Help me to listen to their actions as well as their words so that I may know their true needs. Reveal to me their hopes and fears, and then convey how I can do practical things that will minister to those issues.
Lord, I need to know when it is wise to be vulnerable with my stepchildren and when it is preferable to guard my heart. Provide me with an awareness of how to communicate your love to them so that they know there is a Creator who will never leave them and who longs to set them free from fears and discouragement. Thank you for your unwavering faithfulness and compassion.
Suggested Bible verses:
1 John 4:10; Psalm 16:7–8; Isaiah 40:28