Pre-Marriage
Stepfamily Quiz
This quiz is worded for the potential stepmom. However, those who have already formed a stepfamily will likely discover beneficial insights.
- How often are you concerned that you and your fiancé have differing core values, priorities, or character traits?
- How often does your fiancé have difficulty setting boundaries or allowing consequences for bad behavior with his kids?
- How often does your fiancé make decisions regarding his kids out of guilt, fear, anger, or shame?
- How often does your fiancé’s former spouse have a strong influence over his life, decisions, time, and availability?
- How often does your fiancé ignore or make excuses for his children’s rudeness or disrespectful attitude?
- How often do you find yourself apprehensive, isolated, or retreating when your fiancé’s children are around?
- How often do his kids imply that they wish their dad would not remarry?
- How often do you or your fiancé have a negative encounter with the former spouse?
- When you express stepfamily concerns with your fiancé, how often does he dismiss or minimize your feelings or comments?
- How often do you feel angry or frustrated about your fiancé’s financial obligations to his children and former spouse?
- How often do you ignore potential problems, or keep issues to yourself, in an effort to keep the peace?
- How often does your fiancé refuse to address the issues that you know are a problem in your forming a stepfamily?
- How often are you concerned that this marriage will negatively affect your own biological children?
- How often does your fiancé blame his former wife for his divorce?
- How often does your fiancé blame you or others rather than take personal responsibility for his poor choices?
- How often do you discover your fiancé has been disloyal or dishonest?
- How often does your fiancé hide or minimize his financial details from you?
- How often do your future in-laws portray or imply that they wish their son would not remarry?
If you haven’t married yet and you answered “Always” to five or more questions, my suggestion is to take a big step backward and evaluate this relationship. Attend a stepfamily workshop, obtain life coaching (both of these can be found on my website, www.TheSmartStepmom.com), or see a therapist who specializes in stepfamilies.
These red flags should not be ignored. Unfortunately, during the dating process most couples convince themselves, “That doesn’t really apply to me; our situation will be different.”
If you want this marriage to succeed, I suggest taking the steps I mentioned before you get married. In the meantime, ask yourself:
- “Am I moving forward because I’m afraid to be alone?”
- “Do I dislike the single life so much that I’m minimizing serious issues?”
- “Why am I ignoring red flags?”
- “Have I truly considered how this marriage will affect my kids, his kids, and our future?”
- “Why am I afraid to put this marriage on hold?”
If you are already a stepmom and this quiz stirred some anguish, you may be muttering, “Okay, I ignored the warning signs and my home is in chaos, now what do I do?”
First, don’t lose heart. I was one of those stepmoms too. There is help and hope. The important thing is to resist the urge to deny the seriousness of your issues. Here are a few steps to take:
- Get counseling from someone who understands stepfamilies, even if it’s a financial challenge. The average uncontested divorce starts at $10,000. Take my word for it; the investment in counseling is worth it!
- Attend a workshop or event for stepmoms and/or stepfamilies, even if your spouse won’t attend—you go. Visit www.SisterhoodofStepmoms.com for more information.
- Read resources on children of divorce or adult children of divorce.
- Life coaching is sometimes a great option. Many of my life coaching clients tell me it did more for them than counseling because I ask questions that dive into the root causes of the problem. Plus I grew up in a stepfamily, and I’ve been a stepmom for twenty-eight years. Contact me at laura@laurapetherbridge.com.
- Read the two chapters in The Smart Stepmom written for the dad with your spouse. These chapters were specifically designed to open the doors of communication on fragile and tender topics.
Stepmom, don’t be discouraged, depressed, or disheartened. You can do it. I know you can!