“I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
My mom was driving me to the airport to catch my flight home to Houston, and I was actually giddy with anticipation. Giddy.
Solara and I had immediately started making arrangements for the next weekend. We scheduled my flight to arrive in Denver at the same time as hers, so we could ride to the hotel together. I’d told her I had no idea what I was doing, and she’d assured me I would figure it out.
Maneuvering her way to the passenger drop-off, my mom just laughed at me. “I can believe it. You seem so happy right now, and I’m so glad you’ll be staying with us for a while. It’ll be nice to have you around.”
When she came to a stop at the curb, she popped the trunk, and I took my bag out of the back.
“Okay. Now, I arrive back here late Sunday night, so I’ll just Uber home. Don’t worry about me; I’ll text you from Denver.” I hugged her tightly and said again, “Oh, my God, I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
“Have you told Mark yet?”
“Don’t bring me down, Mom. I have a whole flight to think about how I’m going to do that.”
“Fair enough.” She grabbed my cheeks and looked at me lovingly. “I love you so much. You be careful. I’ll see you in a week.”
“A week. Wow! Yes, a week.”
“Go. You’re gonna miss your flight.”
“Okay, I’m going.” I leaned down to kiss her again. “I’m going.” I blew kisses at her as I went backward through the automatic doors into the airport. They closed behind me, and I made my way to the check-in counter.
My flight home was uneventful, but the farther away I got from Phoenix, the more doubt started creeping in. I practiced my speech to Mark, and it sounded crazy even to me. Resting my head back on the seat, I tried to take a nap, but my brain wouldn’t shut off. I’d felt so confident standing in that conference room. Now I was conflicted.
By the time the flight landed, I had emotionally wrung myself out. I texted Mark: Just landed. Will Uber home.
His response came quickly: Great! Can’t wait to see you. Suzanne is here. We’re planning the gala.
I groaned out loud and waited for my luggage.
The Uber driver pulled into my driveway, and I clicked the automatic gate opener in my purse, allowing the driver to let me out close to the back door.
I stood in the driveway and watched as he drove away, steeling myself for the next few hours of party planning. I had really wanted to be alone with Mark tonight. That wasn’t going to happen now.
Suzanne threw open the back door and squealed. “You’re back!”
“I’m back!” I mimicked her enthusiasm.
“Mark, get her bag.” She ushered me into the kitchen, looping her elbow with mine. “We have the best idea for the gala.” She stopped to make sure I would hear her, and with dramatic flair, she said, “Gatsby. Don’t you love it?”
“Love it.”
Mark had kissed me swiftly on the lips before stepping outside and getting my suitcase. “We were talking about classic movies, and it was either Breakfast at Tiffany’s or The Great Gatsby. It’s not breakfast, so that went out the window. And not the old Gatsby—the Leonardo DiCaprio Gatsby—with a retro theme.”
What was wrong with the two of them? They were both skittish and talking really fast; they were exhausting me.
“Can I get a glass of wine? I had a really long flight, and I’m kind of hungry. Did you guys eat?”
Suzanne talked as she went into the kitchen. “We had takeout. I’ll bring you a plate and a glass of wine. Just sit and relax. Let Mark show you what we’ve come up with.”
Sitting down at the dining room table, I finally let my eyes settle on Mark. He stopped talking, and we simply stared at each other in the quiet.
His eyes were kind, and now that Suzanne was out of the room, he visibly relaxed. He whispered, “Did you have a good visit with your parents?”
“I did.”
“I’m glad you’re back, Charlie.” I must have flinched because he suddenly asked, “What is it? Are you okay?”
I reached out and took his hand. “I’m fine. Just a long flight and I wasn’t really prepared for company tonight—even if it is just Suzanne.”
He squeezed my fingers.
“Here you go.” With a flourish, Suzanne reappeared and set a plate in front of me. She placed a glass to the right of the plate, grabbed a napkin and fork from the hutch, and then poured me a glass of wine from the bottle on the table.
“Mark, a little more?”
“Sure.”
When our glasses were filled, Suzanne raised her glass to us. “Welcome home, Charlie.”
Her nervous gestures and hovering were making me uncomfortable. I pressed my forefinger and thumb to the sides of my forehead, trying to rub away the pounding behind my temples.
The two of them proceeded to share their ideas: How the house would be decorated. What the color scheme would be. And, wouldn’t it be great if we could get fireworks?
My head was spinning. I just nodded obligingly and gave words of agreement and appreciation as required. It was becoming too easy to just fake my way through these kinds of moments.
Abruptly, I stood and grabbed my plate. “If you guys will excuse me, I am exhausted. And now that I’ve eaten, I just really need to lie down. You’ve done a great job; I think the gala is going to be beautiful.”
Suzanne stood and said she would help me with my bag. Their treatment of me was annoying, as if I was frail or delicate in some way—breakable.
I took my plate to the sink and told Suzanne I would call her in the morning.
“Do you want to meet for lunch?”
I nodded and said pleasantly, “That sounds great.”
Tilting my head toward Mark, I said, “See you in a bit?”
“I’ll be up in a little while.”
It was a burden to drag myself up the stairs: the heavy weight of sorrow slowed my steps. It was all I could do to brush my teeth and change into my pajamas. Even knowing what I had to look forward to in Arizona didn’t ease the guilt and sadness that hung on my heart at ending my relationship.
A few hours later, the mattress dipped with Mark’s weight.
He whispered my name as he rolled on top of me. Kissing my face reverently, he slid my nightdress up around my waist and then gently stroked my breasts.
What I had been trying so hard to get from him for weeks now left me feeling hollow and sad.
“Is this what you want, baby?”
I was torn—one for the road. I choked out a yes, and he slid into me. It was fast and unemotional. Mechanical and unfeeling. I was so ashamed. I just lay there, biding my time until he finished.
When he let out a deep grunt, I rubbed his back and waited for him to roll off of me.
“Oh, man. That was good. Why has it been so long?” He stepped out of bed and went to the bathroom.
I rolled over on my side and silently wept.
The next morning, I was woken by the fresh, bold scent of coffee. When I rolled to my side, a fresh cup was on my nightstand. Mark was sitting in my vanity chair.
He smiled tentatively at me. “Good morning.”
I slowly sat up and leaned back against the headboard. “Good morning.”
“I have a long day today, but I was hoping we could have dinner tonight, talk about wedding plans, and discuss when you might want to go back to work.”
“Actually, I do need to call Richard. And we need to talk.”
He apprehensively got out of the chair and sat down on the edge of the bed. Reaching out, he brushed my hair off my face, tucking it behind my ear.
“I’ve been a real ass to you lately, Charlie. I hope I can make it up to you. I hope… well, I hope we can move forward.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and simply nodded.
“Good. I’ll see you tonight? I’ll have someone bring dinner over, so you don’t have to cook. We’ll have a quiet night in.” He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, and then he stood and left.
Taking my coffee mug, I went to shower and get ready for the day. I called Peggy to see if Richard could see me today, and she scheduled me for a 10:30 a.m. meeting. Then I called Suzanne and asked her to meet me at the Italian restaurant just behind my office.
Wanting armor, I pulled out my best suit: a chocolate brown pantsuit with a salmon-colored shirt—and three-inch leather heels. Brushing my hair up into a French twist, I pulled a few strands out to soften the severity of the sleek style.
I went to my office building before lunch, parked in the visitor parking and used the main entrance. Just like any other day, I swiped my badge at the security desk and went through into the marble-walled lobby and gold elevator bays. Nothing had changed. No one looked at me differently. No one really even saw me. I was just another suit starting my day.
The elevator doors opened, and I stepped inside, smiling kindly to another rider. The floors zoomed past until we arrived at Richard’s floor.
I took a deep breath and put my practiced smile on my face. Pulling open the doors, I stepped into the hallway that led past all the executive offices to Peggy’s desk.
I said her name tentatively, and she jumped up out of her chair. “Oh, darlin’! You’re back.”
She squeezed me tightly. I would have found this inappropriate with someone else, but not with her. She was like a grandmother to me, and she knew my secrets.
“Kind of. Is Richard ready for me?”
“Just like you. Get right to the point.”
I found that an odd observation, since I had felt like anything but direct these past few weeks. “Yep, that’s me.”
“Let me buzz him for you. Your office is empty if you want to wait in there.”
“I’m fine out here.”
She nodded at me, smiling ear to ear. I wandered away from her desk. Not too far that she couldn’t see me, but far enough to give her privacy on the phone.
My office door was open, so I peeked inside. The lights were off, and it looked sad and dark. The ghost of who I was appeared in my mind. I was apprehensive about the conversation I was about to have with Richard. Asking for an extended leave was not usually done at this level. I was hoping Richard would be somewhat understanding.
“Charlotte, welcome back.” Richard’s booming voice jolted me out of my daydream. I put my hand to my chest, trying to still my heart.
“Hello, Richard. Yes, it’s so good to see you.”
“You’re looking fit and healthy. Ready to come back to work?”
He ushered me into his office, gently clicking the door closed behind me. It sounded like a prison door clanging, and I visibly stumbled.
Walking around the edge of his desk, he gestured for me to sit. He waited until I had adjusted my legs underneath me before starting.
“You’ve had some time to clear your head? Plan the wedding?”
“Actually, Richard,” I cleared my throat and started over. “Actually, Richard, I have had some time to clear my head, and I wanted to talk with you about extending my leave. Maybe another couple of months. There are things I would like to do, and I could use the time to do them.”
He leaned back in his chair, crossing his hands over his middle. “Did you and Mark settle on a wedding date?”
“Actually, no, not yet. We might be postponing it for a while.”
“Do you have a family emergency?”
I started to feel uncomfortable. This was not the friendly, mentoring relationship I’d thought we had. His tone was one of displeasure.
“No,” I drawled. “It’s personal.”
That didn’t seem to satisfy him. “You have a big job, Charlotte. A big job that needs doing. I offered the leave so you could plan your wedding.”
This man across from me was formidable, and a creepy sense of finality was washing over me.
“Yes, sir, you did.”
“I’ll be honest, Charlie, it concerns me that you feel you need more time off.”
The chopping block was being prepped. The decision rested with me.
“You’re right, sir. I don’t need any more time off.”
Jubilantly, he smiled and slapped his desk. “I’m happy to hear that, Charlotte. We’re ready to have you back.” He reached for his phone to call Peggy, but I extended my hand to cover his, gently putting the phone back in the cradle.
Confusion crossed his face, along with mild irritation at my touching him.
I reached behind my neck, pulling the badge up and over my head. “I don’t need more time off because I’m resigning.
I stood and placed my badge on his desk. “I will email you a formal resignation letter and work with Peggy on processing out.”
He looked like a guppy with his mouth hanging open.
“I’m sorry to leave like this. I enjoyed working for you very much. I’ll ask Peggy to walk me out.”
My hands were shaking as I left his office. What had I just done? My head was spinning with possible consequences. This was the longest career I’d ever had, and I was quite positive Richard would not be giving me a good reference.
“Peggy, I left my badge with Richard. Can I call you later?”
I faltered in my step and paused briefly. “Actually, I think you need to walk me out.”
I started walking again toward the elevator, and Peggy scrambled to catch up. I pushed through the glass doors into the elevator hall and hit the down button.
Peggy came rushing through the glass doors just as the elevator opened, and I stepped inside. She skipped in next to me before the doors shut.
“Charlie, what on Earth?” Her eyes were wide, almost frightened.
Crossing my arms, I responded, “No clue, Peggy, no clue. No, that’s not right. Lots of clues. I just finally pieced them together.” I started laughing. Almost maniacally. “Do you think I’ll regret this? No. I won’t regret this. I have plenty of savings. I can get another job later, maybe. Holy shit! I just quit.”
I realized I was having a singular conversation and laughed some more.
Peggy looked so concerned. “Charlie, are you okay?”
I suddenly realized I was frightening her. Taking a deep breath to calm myself down, I said, “I am, Peggy. I am okay. Or, at least, I will be.”
The elevator doors opened, and she walked with me to the security gate. She stopped me before I went through the badge gate, placing her hand gently on my forearm. “I won’t pretend to understand what is happening for you, but know this: if you need me, I’m here for you.”
“I’ll call you later. I promise. I have other things to take care of today, but when things have settled down, I will call and explain everything.”
She leaned up to kiss me on the cheek. Then she told the guard to open the gate for her.
He looked at her questioningly, and she spoke more sternly. “Please.”
The guard opened the gate, and I went to my car, still shaking and a little dazed. Looking at my watch, I saw I still had some time before meeting Suzanne for lunch. I decided to stop in at the studio.
Erin sat behind the desk and looked up when she heard the door chime. “Hi, welcome to L.O.V.E. Can I help you?”
“Erin, it’s me, Charlie.”
“Good lord! What are you wearing?”
“I do have a job, you know.”
“Sorry. I just can’t quite connect that”—she pointed her finger up and down me— “with you.”
“Don’t judge.”
“Sorry.” But she didn’t look sorry. Then she realized that I was back from Arizona, and she jumped out of her seat. “How was Arizona? Is that place just sick or what?”
“I was a little intimidated. It’s a beautiful building and such a well-run business. They’ve done a really good job.”
“And?” She bounced up and down on the balls of her feet.
“And I saw Story.”
“Enh, whatever. What else?”
“And I met Max.”
“Aww, he’s so sweet.” She mooned over him for a minute and then asked, “Anything else?”
I knew what she was getting at, and I waited just a moment, drawing out her suspense as her eyebrows climbed her forehead in anticipation. Finally, I ended her torment, blurting out, “I took the job.”
“Yes, I knew it. I knew you would take it. I am so jealous and so excited for you!”
Her enthusiasm had me laughing. I knew I’d made the right decision. Wherever it took me, this was the path I wanted to be on.
“I leave Wednesday, and I need to pack still, so I probably won’t be in a class today or tomorrow.”
“Don’t worry about me. I will miss you, but I’ll see you soon.” She hugged me tightly. “I am so happy for you.”
“I can’t breathe.”
She backed up. “You look happy.”
“Thank you.”
“But don’t wear those clothes.”