Chapter Thirty-Eight

BEN WRENCHED FREE from Ellie’s arms the second Olivia came out of the bathroom in her pajamas, and the two of them snuggled into her bed, his slight frame plastered to hers. When they’d arrived at Olivia’s mom’s condo earlier, he’d thrown himself at her and refused to let go. Alice and Arti hadn’t been far behind. Ellie understood the clinging need. She’d insisted on driving Olivia home from the bridge, unwilling to be more than an arm’s length away. They would collect her car later.

Now, the three of them were home with plans to see everyone tomorrow. Ellie grabbed her own pajamas and stepped into the bathroom. Her tired reflection, all wind-snarled curls and shadowed eyes, stared back from the mirror as she brushed her teeth.

“Why didn’t you call?” Ben’s thin voice leaked through the crack she’d left in the door. He’d already asked that question countless times. His desolation reinforced the pressure Olivia had been under to always have the phone nearby, to be available whenever he needed her.

“I was selfish. I’m so, so sorry.” Thick regret filled Olivia’s voice, as it had every time she answered.

“Because you were double-sad.”

“Double-sad?”

“Because it was The Day. And because Ellie left.”

“Ellie didn’t leave. I pushed her away.”

“But it didn’t work.”

Olivia’s chuckle was quiet, but it was genuine. It had been so long since Ellie had heard the sound, and her chest ached. “Do you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because she doesn’t give up on the people she loves. Even when other people make it hard for her.”

“Why would you make it hard for someone to love you?”

“Oh, buddy.” Olivia cleared her throat. “That’s too big a question right now.”

“But you’re not pushing Ellie away again? Because I was scared when she left.”

“I won’t push her away, and I’m sorry for scaring you.”

“S’okay.” Ben yawned, a drowsy drag in his voice. “I decided I definitely love Ellie.”

Ellie spit quietly into the sink and took a soft breath. Love. It was the second time today she’d heard that declaration.

“I definitely love her too.”

“Did you tell her?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Oh, good. Maybe I’ll tell her.”

“Whenever you’re ready.”

“Mommy would want us to love her,” Ben said. “She told me.”

“What? When?”

“Before the accident.”

Silence settled in the bedroom. When Olivia finally spoke, it was in a harsh, strangled voice. “I don’t understand. Can you explain a little more, buddy?”

Entranced with his story, Ben didn’t read the emotion in her question. “When Jonah’s dad died, and he got a new dad.”

“You mean when Jonah’s mom remarried?”

“Jonah was so sad. Mommy said it was because he missed his dad. She said when a person dies, the people left behind are sad. Then you get less sad, and maybe you find a new person to love.”

“She said this?” Olivia rasped the question.

“She said something else. I never told because I thought you’d be mad.”

“I won’t be mad. I promise.”

“I told Mommy to promise to never die, but she said she couldn’t.” A weepy quaver blurred his words. “But she said if she did die, and you got lucky like Jonah’s mom, I should work hard to love that person too. She said you would never love someone who didn’t love me.”

“Oh, Ben, your mommy was the best person in the whole world. She loved you so much.”

“Did I cause the accident? Because I asked Mommy to promise, and then she did die!”

“No, no, no. You didn’t cause her death. She would never want you to think that.”

“You didn’t cause Mommy to die either.” He sniffled through the words.

“Why would you say that?” Olivia’s stricken tone took Ellie back to the river, the devastation on her face.

“I heard Thea Arti tell Grandma you thought it was your fault because you were driving. But it wasn’t. The bad car was in our lane. It was too fast. You asked about lunch, and Mommy said she didn’t want greasy food, and BAM!”

Ellie twitched when he yelled the last word.

“You remember all this?”

“Sure. You do too.”

“How do you know?” Olivia sounded so shaken Ellie almost went to her.

“Your dreams. You yelled sometimes, after the accident. It woke me up. You yelled about the blood.” His voice grew soft, hesitant. “I saw it too.”

Ellie cupped both hands to her mouth, holding in a pained sob. All three of them had been conscious. For one fragile, final moment, they had been together.

“You never told me.”

“I thought it was a secret. Because you never said. I thought it was so secret you could only talk about it in your dreams.”

“Is there anything else you remember?”

“I was scared when you shook Mommy and yelled. I thought you were hurting her.”

Olivia made quiet shushing noises while he cried. “Buddy, no. I was pinned, and I couldn’t get to her. I wanted Mommy to come back. I wanted her so desperately not to be gone.”

“I know. I told Dr. Allison about it, about the shaking, not the blood. She said you were scared, and Mommy was already dead. That you would never hurt her.”

“I love you so much. And Mommy loved you. I’m sorry you remember all of that.”

“It’s okay.” Ben’s voice faded.

“Sometimes, I hold things inside when they’re hurting me, and I shouldn’t. We have to talk, you and me, about everything, okay? Ben?” A light snore rumbled from the bed. He’d given out, exhausted by the emotions of the day.

Ellie fumbled into her pajamas, then peeked around the door. Olivia waved her over.

“I never thought…I didn’t even suspect—”

“Shhh… It’s been a long day. It’s time for rest.” Ellie nodded at Ben. “He needs you. I’ll sleep in his room.”

“But I need you. Will you stay? Please?” Olivia’s eyes were glassy with fatigue, but there was an openness, a vulnerability Ellie hadn’t realized was missing until now. For the first time in a month, she could see Olivia, all of her. She slid into bed and pressed herself to Olivia’s open side. It took only a few breaths for Olivia to unravel in her arms. A light snore, a twin to Ben’s, matched his rhythm. Ellie buried her face in Olivia’s hair. It smelled of the wind and the river, and she shuddered as she started to cry.