Chapter Forty

OLIVIA TOSSED HER book on her nightstand and set her reading glasses on top. Next to her, Ellie flipped a page, lips in silent concert with the words. Reading together was a recent routine, a gentle unwinding before bed. Olivia held in a sigh. Ellie had been nothing but gentle. Gentle with her words. Gentle with her attention. And gentle with her touch. Olivia understood, now, the fear behind that gentleness, and she had been picking her way around the edges of it. Their physicality had taken an encouraging step forward—a few intimate nights, quiet orgasms shuddered under a cocoon of blankets—but just as quickly, it had plateaued.

She stroked Ellie’s smooth, round thigh. In the past, this would’ve been signal enough, but Ellie only turned another page. Olivia nuzzled her shoulder, then planted soft kisses up the arch of her neck and along her cheek until she reached the corner of her mouth. Ellie’s dimple creased beneath Olivia’s lips as she quirked a smile.

“What are you up to?”

Olivia answered the question with a kiss, thrilled when Ellie responded with a trace of her old hunger. Then a hand pushed lightly against her sternum. When it didn’t fall away, she slumped back to the headboard, Ellie mute beside her. Olivia opened her mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. Failed a second time. Before her mouth could snap shut a third time, she forced the words out.

“Can we talk?”

“Of course.”

“It’s been six weeks since the bridge.”

Ellie set her book aside, her expression guarded. “I know.”

“I appreciate you being available while still giving me space, but I’m doing better, and I’ve been trying to show you. To get back to where we were before all of this.” She painted a line down Ellie’s bicep with her fingertip.

“What do you mean?”

“Our physicality, it’s tentative. You’re being careful with me, with our sex life.” The words were heavy in her mouth, but she fought to get them out. “With all that’s happened, it’s understandable, but I miss you. I miss us.”

When Ellie’s eyes dropped to the bed, Olivia’s heart dropped with them.

“Do you miss it?”

“Yes.”

“Then why hold back?”

The corner of the sheet twisted in her hands. “I’m not sure how you’ll react.”

Olivia voiced a recent suspicion. “Because of the night in the shower.”

Ellie nodded, head still low.

“I’m so sorry I scared you. Is there anything I can do, anything I can say, to help you feel safer?”

“I don’t feel unsafe. It’s just…” Ellie looked up and blew out a shaky breath. “That’s when it all fell apart. That’s when I lost you.”

“You could never lose me. I just lost myself, for a bit.” Olivia pried Ellie’s hands from the sheet, cradling them in her own. “At some point—and maybe we’re not there yet—but at some point, you have trust I won’t break. So many walls have come down recently, but the physical one is still there. I need it to fall too.” She pressed her lips to Ellie’s palm, choking on the next words, the ones she feared the most. “I need to know you still want me. That I didn’t ruin it for us.”

Ellie looked up at her quiet plea. “You haven’t ruined anything.”

The kiss Ellie gave was gentle, at first, exploring, and Olivia didn’t push. But as the pressure deepened and Ellie let slip her eagerness, Olivia opened wider, craving the wet rush of searching tongues. When Ellie matched her, her heart leapt. She straddled Ellie’s lap and yanked her own T-shirt over her head. The desire in Ellie’s eyes sent her pulse racing, but then sadness muddied that beautiful face.

“Hey, what is it?”

Ellie ran careful hands between her breasts and around her ribs. “You’re starting to look like yourself again.”

“I told you I’d get it back. It was just the stress and not eating.” Olivia cupped Ellie’s cheeks. Her smile seemed more melancholy than relieved. “Isn’t it a good thing?”

“It is, but…”

She drew Ellie close, cradling her to her chest. “If you don’t want this right now, it’s okay.”

“That’s not… I was thinking if I’d spoken up sooner, maybe we could’ve avoided…” Ellie’s words swam in a river of emotion. “But I was afraid of pushing too hard, driving you away. My fear kept me from seeing what you needed.”

“You can’t help someone who won’t let you. And you’ve always seen me so clearly.” Olivia pressed a kiss to Ellie’s temple. She’d shared so many stories recently, hoping to erase the pain her silence had caused. But they were all from a time before, a time tinted with heartache and loss. Ellie deserved a new story, one all her own. “I learned that our first night together. You were warm and kind and absolutely gorgeous, and I wanted you so much, but I was scared you’d find the damage too overwhelming.”

Ellie shifted to protest, but Olivia held her close, continuing the story above her head. “When you kissed my scars—I thought feeling so safe, so cherished again was impossible. Then you made love to me, and I came, and… It’s my favorite thing, to be kissed in that moment.”

She hovered the words by Ellie’s ear. “You kissed me, and you saw all of me. And that was it. The moment your eyes met mine, I was in love. I was yours.”

Ellie dragged her lips up Olivia’s neck to the shell of her ear. “I’m yours too, always.” Then they kissed with a desperate possessiveness, grinding their open mouths together. Olivia could have wept with relief. This was her Ellie.

Ellie’s hand coasted across her scars and down her belly, slipping through her curls into that aching, wet space. The intimate gesture dragged a low moan from her, and she ground her hips, hungering for more. Their chests were heaving when they broke the kiss.

“Tell me what you want.” Ellie’s husky desire sent a shiver down her back.

Olivia hesitated. Panting breaths filled the silence. She had brought them this far. “I had an idea, to make a new memory.”

“Tell me.”

“It might be easier if I show you.” Pulling herself out of the straddle, Olivia stood and went to the dresser. She took out an object they’d never used together—a harness with a dildo already inside. “I want you to use this. On me. In the shower.”

A candle of fear flickered on Ellie’s face. Olivia hated that she’d put it there.

“I know what happened the last time, but with this, we can be face-to-face. We can check in with each other, stop anytime.” Olivia’s voice trembled. “I hoped, if we did this new thing in this…complicated space, we could make it feel safe again. And nothing would stand between us anymore.”

Ellie stared at her in pensive silence.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up so soon—”

“No, it’s okay. It just caught me off guard. You’re right about the shower, about everything. I haven’t been able to get past it. And I want to.” Ellie blew out a long breath, then tossed off the sheet and strode into the bathroom. Olivia waited until the hiss of water started before she followed.

Ellie stood with her back to her, framed in the open door of the shower. Her hand drifted back and forth under the spray. “I haven’t been able to take a shower in here without thinking about it.”

“I wish you’d told me.”

“I was half afraid if I did, you might tear it out one weekend and replace it with a tub.”

Olivia winced. It wasn’t an inaccurate picture. “That sounds like a thought I might have at my most guilt-ridden.”

Ellie gave the temperature knob one last tweak and turned. Her eyes were clear and steady. “You’re sure?”

“Only if you are. I want you to be one hundred percent okay with this.”

“That’s a pretty serious dildo.” A real bit of humor tugged at her lips.

Olivia took a risk and gave a flirty grin. “If you can dish it, I can take it.”

Ellie’s smile broadened. “Let’s get a little wet first.”

The water streamed heat down Olivia’s spine, but it was nothing compared to the furnace of Ellie’s palms, the torrid path of her tongue. Olivia latched on to the soft sweep of Ellie’s neck, sucking hard at the racing pulse. She traveled the landscape of Ellie’s expansive, yielding flesh with feverish intent. How could there be so much of this woman and still not enough?

Olivia scrabbled for the harness on the floor and held it open as Ellie stepped into it. The dildo jutting out from Ellie’s voluptuous body, the straps digging into her full hips, sent a charge through Olivia. She slipped her fingers under the harness, and Ellie twitched.

“Jesus, what are you doing?”

“You forgot the bullet vibrator.” Olivia pressed a discrete button, then eased her fingers away. “Now, fuck me. Please.”

She didn’t have to ask again. Ellie thrust into her, and that first exquisite fullness brought a quiet sigh to Olivia’s lips.

“Everything okay?” Ellie whispered.

“Go.”

Ellie gripped Olivia’s legs and drove her off the floor, tiles stuttering up her back as water arced down her calves and dripped from the bottom of her swinging feet. She'd always been the taller partner, the stronger lover, so this sensation of erotic suspension—her entire weight staked precariously on another’s body—dragged a cry of desire and awe from her throat.

Worry rippled Ellie’s features, but Olivia dug her heels into those thick thighs. She grabbed a mass of curls. “I want you. I trust you. Give me everything.” Then she devoured Ellie with a kiss. Ellie groaned into the shared space of their hungry, wet mouths and began to pump her hips. The steady strokes added new urgency to the initial fullness, each movement a spike of intensity. It was as if with each thrust, Ellie blissfully tore her apart, and with each retreat, she mended her. The rhythm had a slick satedness Olivia couldn’t control. As Ellie pushed deeper, drove faster, she slid closer to the edge.

“Come with me,” Ellie said. “I’m so close.”

“I need more.”

“Tell me. Anything.”

“I need you to fill me everywhere.” The words slipped through their damp kisses.

Ellie cupped a hand around her ass and eased her middle finger in. Olivia bucked against the tender invasion before relaxing. The warm ache low in her belly climbed to a relentless throb, each small pulse of Ellie’s finger timed to the pounding between her legs. Part of her wanted to stay pinned for hours, but her body roared for release.

Grabbing Ellie’s face, she forced their lips apart, and when Ellie opened her eyes, so close, Olivia tumbled into space, crying out for her. Ellie kissed her then, swallowing the sound of her own name, drinking in every moan and whimper until she came as well, gasping into Olivia’s mouth. When it ended, their foreheads touched.

Olivia could feel the wide grin creasing her face—one of those sloppy sex smiles that couldn’t be contained—and Ellie laughed as she lowered her to the floor. The dildo slipped free, leaving a hollowness in Olivia. She almost pulled Ellie back into her.

“Your laugh, what was it for?” Olivia asked.

“That smile. Seeing it after sex again makes me happy.”

“You make me happy.”

Ellie turned off the vibrator and dropped the harness. After fiddling with the jet controls, she backed Olivia against the cool tiles, facing out, the jet of water thrumming between her cheeks. The pressure sent her pulse racing again.

“What are you doing?”

Ellie kneeled, her own wicked grin flaring. “I’m keeping a smile on your face. All night.” She hooked one of Olivia’s legs over her shoulder and raked her tongue up her slick length before sucking on her clit, hard.

A belly-deep groan rattled Olivia’s teeth. She scrabbled for purchase on the tiles, and all coherent thought trickled from her brain as another orgasm crashed through her.