The tongue has the power of life and death,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.
PROVERBS 18:21
Just a few days before my fortieth birthday, James started making little comments that were getting under my skin. They weren’t even about getting older. We were both feeling under the weather, but he would say things like, “You’re not as sick as I am,” and “Get up and go to the gym.” He would criticize my driving (I’m sure that’s never happened to you) saying, “Why are you accelerating to the red light? You should anticipate what’s ahead on the road.” After breakfast, he made a sarcastic remark about the messy table.
Can you feel the tension mounting? Even though many of his comments were made lightly, they were driving me crazy. I teased him back and asked him not to criticize me for a few days. He said with a smile that it was his gift to see areas that needed improvement.
When I was by myself, I realized that while my husband’s words were hurtful, my reaction to them was complicating the issue. I prayed, God, change me. Help me to like my husband right now. Help me not to be resentful. Help me to communicate to him the things that bother me and then help me forget about it.
God answered my prayer that day. I realized afterward that if I kept a soft heart toward God, it would result in me having a soft heart toward my husband too. The reverse is also true. When I harden my heart toward my husband, I am also hardening my heart toward God. Our heart and our words are connected, as it says in Psalm 19:14,
May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Will we use our words as weapons against our husbands to retaliate? Or will we use our words to heal and restore?
My Mouth Keeps Getting Me in Trouble
Remember British author Poppy Smith and her story about regretting her marriage to the dreamy American? She came to a crisis in her third or fourth year of marriage and prayed to God about one of her biggest problems: her mouth.
I began to ask God to show me when I was getting irritable because a lot of my problem was my mouth. My mother was very warm, spontaneous, emotional, and very verbal. Of course that is how I was. I had a real problem with getting irritable and losing my temper. I got angry before I was even aware of it. Bit by bit, the Lord was trying to show me that I was getting irritable. I could tell in my mind and in my body that I was tense.
And the Holy Spirit would bring these thoughts to me: Poppy, zip your lip! If you don’t say it, you cut so much pain out instead of stabbing each other with words. Zip your lips. Then the Lord unfolded this to me: Turn your stumbling blocks into stepping-stones. I would go to the bathroom, close the door, and just cry out to God. Physically our adrenaline gets going and perhaps that’s what propels us to say things when we’re upset. We need to get out of that situation. Maybe to go for a walk or to a quiet place and ask, Okay Lord, what triggered my anger?
Poppy wanted to learn where her unhappiness was coming from. She didn’t want to be like a hamster running, running, running on a wheel but going nowhere. That’s how she viewed her emotional responses to her husband. As she began to ask herself, “How do I build my marriage instead of destroying it?” she saw that she did have the power and control of the Holy Spirit over her heart and mouth. Gradually Poppy began to change.
After being too verbal, I swung the other way and stuffed it. I just wouldn’t say anything. I wanted to only take it to the Lord. But then I wasn’t building the relationship. I was allowing a lot of anger to build in me. I wasn’t saying anything, but it was there.
I learned how to speak up and not to bury it. When you just said that, I felt this. Is that what you meant? I think about what my words are doing. Am I diminishing or devaluing him? Is he doing that to me? We’ve learned to say to each other, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. That wasn’t what I intended to say. Now we build bonds together. We still get irritated with each other because we see things in different ways. But we want our marriage to continue and to be happy for both of us. We need to find ways to cooperate and work together.3
Sticks and Stones
We can learn so much from Poppy’s story. It’s possible to change deeply ingrained habits, especially with the power of the Holy Spirit. If you have a history of talking back to your husband in anger, you don’t have to live enslaved to outbursts. You don’t want to stuff your feelings, but you do want to learn how to communicate in a constructive, not a destructive, way. How can you tell the difference? Let’s say you want to tell your husband you were upset by the way he brushed off your comment about purchasing a large item.
Constructive words: “Honey, I am trying to be more responsible with money. But it didn’t even seem like you were listening to my concerns. Is there a better time for us to talk? Do you disagree with what I said?”
Destructive words: “I don’t know why I bother to try to reason with you. When I have an opinion, you just shut me down. You don’t care about what I think about our finances. You make decisions without considering my feelings all the time.”
Can you see how your words set the stage for your husband’s response? Constructive words look for a solution. They seek to improve things and promote growth. They are useful and helpful. Keep in mind that constructive words can be negative. Many times you have to diagnose and talk about a problem honestly before you can fix it.
Destructive words act as the opposite. They seek to damage, discredit, and ruin. They are always unfavorable and negative. There’s nothing redemptive about destructive words. They lodge in our hearts and cause long-term harm if woefully unattended. We all know the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is untrue.
Proverbs 19:13 says that “a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof.” We want to be roof repairers and not constant drippers. We want our words to cause growth in our marriages and not ruin. Today is a great day to put down our sticks, stones, and hurtful words.
Today’s Picture
When you open your mouth to speak to your husband, what kind of words usually come out? Are they positive words like a bouquet of flowers? Or are they sharp words, more like sticks and stones?
Today’s Prayer
Lord, may the meditation of my heart and the words of my mouth be pleasing to You. Forgive me for being a quarrelsome wife. Help me to seek peace and to use my words in a constructive, affirming way. Give me the right words to say to my husband today. Fill me with the Holy Spirit so that I can exercise self-control every day with my words.