All the days of the oppressed are wretched,
but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.
PROVERBS 15:15
What bugs you most about being a wife? Maybe it’s dealing with your husband’s crazy work schedule or those dratted socks on the floor. Today we’re going to consider how to change bothers into blessings. You face a choice every day. Will you be irritated or grateful for your husband as a package deal with all his strengths and weaknesses?
Pam Farrel keeps nagging to a minimum at her house by focusing on her husband’s integrity. She’s extremely grateful that Bill keeps his promises to her and the kids. He’s faithful to God. With that in mind, picking up his dirty coffee cups from all around the house isn’t so bad.
But what if your husband hasn’t been keeping his promises lately? If he’s failing in a major area, such as addiction or an affair, I suggest you go to a Christian counselor. You having a positive attitude will help, but it will not solve the root problem. Glossing over what is wrong will not help anyone. But if he’s not engaged in destructive behavior, you would be wise to focus on his strengths and not his warts.
It’s So Easy to Complain
There is a palpable difference between complaining and constructive criticism. Let’s say you text your husband a shopping list for the grocery store. When he gets home, you realize that he has forgotten to buy the chicken. How are you supposed to make the meal without chicken? You texted him the list clearly. How could he be so careless? He apologizes and says he just missed reading that all-important word chicken. You eat leftovers.
The next day, you’re having lunch with your girlfriends. “You know what my husband did yesterday?” you ask. “I texted him a shopping list for dinner, and he forgot to bring home the chicken. How in the world can you miss something so basic?”
Your friend chimes in about how she never trusts her husband with the shopping list. Another wife says you should be glad your husband actually goes to the store because her husband won’t. You haven’t even ordered lunch yet, and the complaining locomotive is picking up steam.
Many wives believe the lie that complaining is okay because it’s a form of venting. But venting (giving expression to something) is helpful only when it’s done with the appropriate people and with a positive purpose of redemption. Most venting is complaining, grumbling, whining, and lamenting renamed. It’s not constructive. It doesn’t bring you closer to your spouse. It’s marvelous at doing the opposite—driving a wedge between you.
On the other hand, constructive criticism about the forgotten chicken would be directed toward your spouse, not your friends. You want to make comments that are actually useful and intended to improve the situation. “Honey, next time you do the shopping, can you slow down and make sure that every item is in the cart before you check out? Would you prefer me to email you a list? Can you go back to the store now and get the chicken?” Work on solving the problem, not attacking the wrongdoer. The chicken dilemma should be taken care of at home. Then there would be no more chicken left to complain about the next day at lunch with friends.
Talk Him Up
Kathi Lipp addresses the importance of talking up your husband with friends instead of tearing him down:
If you are talking down your husband to me and you’re not doing anything to correct your relationship, I love you, I care about you, but I can’t hang out with you. Because the expectation is you want me to talk down my husband as well. And I’m not going to do that. I have been in a relationship like that before and the temptation is to be with the crowd.
I heard once that you become like the five people you most hang out with. That is so wise. If the people I hang out with are negative toward their husbands, I will be negative about my husband. But if they are committed to building into their marriage and their husband, I am going to be the same way.
Find things on purpose to respect your husband about. Even if the only thing you can say to him is Thank you for making the bed six months ago when your mom came. If that’s all you’ve got, start with that. Because the more you look for those things to encourage him about, the more you’ll find other positive things. Plus it’s amazing how much nicer husbands can be when we’re nice. It makes such a huge difference.
Kathi suggests getting together with a girlfriend not to complain about your marriage but to ask each other, “What have you said to encourage your husband today?”
If your husband isn’t acting in a way that’s connecting to you, sometimes it’s not about you. He’s feeling like a loser at work or a loser as a parent. There are so many truths that only a wife can speak into her husband. Being able to say I love you, I care about you, I think you’re so smart, I miss you, you make me feel protected, these are things that can change your husband. And in so doing, you change your own satisfaction level in the marriage.4
The Trouble with Grumbles
What was one of the major sins the children of Israel committed after escaping from Egypt? It was the sin of complaining. They grumbled about what they would drink (Exodus 15:24; 17:3), about what they would eat (Exodus 16:3), and about dying in the wilderness (Numbers 14:2).
The LORD said to Moses and Aaron, “How long will this wicked community grumble against me? I have heard the complaints of these grumbling Israelites. So tell them, ‘As surely as I live, declares the LORD, I will do to you the very thing I heard you say: In this wilderness your bodies will fall—every one of you twenty years old or more who was counted in the census and who has grumbled against me’ ” (Numbers 14:26-29).
Grumbling literally became a death sentence for the people of Israel. The evil power of complaining cannot be underestimated. The opposite of complaining is rejoicing. Instead of grumbling or protesting against something, you are finding reasons for joy. Sharon Jaynes suggests: “Today make a commitment to turn your grumbling to grateful, your complaining into contentment, and your whining into praising God.”5
In a marriage, when you choose to thank God for your husband daily, there will be no room for grumbling. You will overlook those little things that used to bother you, choosing to home in on the many things you are thankful for. A grateful heart, unlike the grumbling heart, welcomes God’s presence in your home, turning your wilderness into a spring of life. Zig Ziglar said it so well, “The more you are grateful for what you have, the more you will have to be grateful for.”6
Today’s Picture
You are holding a magnifying glass. Instead of zeroing in on your husband’s faults, you are going to intentionally place that magnifying glass right over his strengths. What are two strengths that you see?
Today’s Prayer
Lord, I repent of complaining about my husband and grumbling about my life. I want to give You praise for blessing me with _________ and __________. Thank You for the strength that my husband brings to our marriage. Thank You for his wisdom and integrity. Bless my husband and me with a close, encouraging relationship that brings honor to You.