The one who lives with integrity is righteous;
his children who come after him will be happy.
PROVERBS 20:7 (HCSB)
I grew up with a happy mom. She laughs easily, smiles broadly at everyone she meets, and even jumps up and down if she hasn’t seen you for a while. My school friends would ask me, “Is your mom always this happy?” She and my father were a great example of happily ever after as I grew up.
But what if you never had a model of what a happy wife should act like? Maybe your parents divorced when you were young or they fought a lot. Sharon Jaynes can relate. She grew up in a beautiful neighborhood lined with tall pine trees. By outward appearances, she lived in a normal, happy American family. Her father was a successful businessman who traveled much of the time. Sadly, his success in business didn’t translate to his home life. He drank heavily, terrorized the home, and beat his wife.
Changing the Family Tree
Sharon became a Christian when she was a teenager, and six years later, her parents came to know Jesus and their lives were forever changed for the better. But it was too late for Sharon to experience a do-over as a child in a healthier home. So when she got married in her twenties, she needed guidance.
I did not have a role model in my mother to know what a happy wife should be like. But I had others to look up to, including the woman who led me to the Lord. What drew me to their house and what drew me to her was her joy. I would watch her walking through her house singing praise songs as she cleaned. She and her husband had pet names for each other. They loved each other so much, and that really drew me to their home. And it made me want to know about Jesus.
Sharon and her husband watched Christian families around them and emulated what they saw. They spent time in God’s Word and time with other Christian couples.
I determined that when I got married I was going to do everything within my power to have a good marriage and be a happy wife. But I learned very quickly that it was not in my own power to do that. I knew the only way I could be a happy wife and we could have a good happy marriage was to have our marriage centered on Jesus Christ. And that’s what we did from the very beginning. God taught me through His Word. We made sure that we had relationships with mature Christian couples and we learned from them. If we had a question or problem, we would go to them. We made sure that in our marriage, nothing would sit and simmer.
After being married a few years, Sharon had their first child. One of their goals was to show their son Steven what a good marriage looks like. Sharon was able to give her child a precious gift that she did not have when she was growing up.
I did purpose to have a happy home. People think it’s going to happen automatically. They usually have a wakeup call when they realize that automatic doesn’t work! So we were very purposeful in what we did. That was true in our marriage and that was true in our parenting as well.
Here we’ve been married more than thirty-two years, and we are still learning and growing. God uses marriage probably more than any other relationship on earth to refine us, change us, grow us, and mature us to be the men and women He intended us to be.19
Making New Rules
Take a moment to answer this basic yet often ignored question: What do you want in your marriage? Marjorie Blanchard offers this perspective to help you process that question for yourself:
It takes a certain amount of introspection to understand what you want. I think it’s a lot easier for people to tell you what they don’t want than to tell you what they do want. If you can figure out what you want and talk with your spouse about it, you are way down the road. Very often people just react to what they don’t like, but they never get to that next stage, which is, “What do I value? What do I want? What is the standard that I want to hold for myself?” 20
Years ago, when Marjorie was working hard at her doctorate and Ken was busy promoting his leadership books, Marjorie realized they needed to establish some new rules. She figured out that the one thing that really bothered her was that Ken was away on most weekends, leaving her alone with their two children, who were nine and eleven. They made a new rule to be together on most weekends, and that helped them through a busy and stressful time that could have potentially driven them apart.
In the past five years, their new rule has been to have a daily time of ten to fifteen minutes to pray and read together. Ken loves to read a daily devotional out loud to Marjorie, and it gives them a special time to connect spiritually each day.
What are the new rules you would like to see in your marriage? Begin with a bit of introspection. What do you want in your marriage? When you get ahold of that answer, you can work with your husband to build that happy home together. The impact of your joy and satisfaction will resonate far beyond four walls.
Today’s Picture
Think of your home as a hub where many people come to be nourished. It’s primarily a place for refreshment for you and your husband. If you have kids, they come into your home to find a place of security. Your friends come over to experience a place of peace and joy. Your home is a light in your neighborhood, and your marriage serves as a shining example of God’s love.
Lord, You are the light of the world. Shine Your light into my marriage and show me what is most important for me to focus on right now. Regardless of my past, I give You my future and dedicate my home for Your glory. I will not be held back by past mistakes and regrets. I will look to You for new purpose and strength. May others look at my marriage and see You working in us and through us.