“You will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”
GENESIS 3:16 (NLT)
A few years ago, my family was vacationing on Kona, the big island of Hawaii. Sounds idyllic right? Yet on day three of the vacation, the island’s active volcano wasn’t the only thing getting ready to blow. For the first two days, we had done many activities that James enjoys. With him in mind, I had planned hikes off the beaten path (translation: no restroom for miles), packed picnics and lots of snacks for the kids. Here’s a page from my vacation diary as I stewed in my thoughts:
Why doesn’t he ask me what I want to do? I wouldn’t mind going to the pool for two hours and then walking through the touristy shops at Kailua-Kona. How come I always plan the vacation with him in mind? Why doesn’t he ask me what I want to do? What I really want is regular access to a bathroom!
I didn’t want to be mad at James during our vacation. I tried to see things from his perspective. He wasn’t trying to be mean and he hadn’t really done anything wrong. He just wanted to have a good time on his vacation, and what’s wrong with that? The kids and I do enjoy hiking; I just like the touristy things more than James does.
I decided to ask God to show me what to do. I would respect James’s desires in planning the itinerary, and I hoped he would show me love by asking what I would prefer to do. I asked the Lord to work in the next twenty-four hours, and then I thought if nothing happened, I would bring it up to James.
We were sharing a vacation rental with my parents, and at the very next meal my mom was the chosen spokesperson. She gave poor James a mini-lecture about how we should be safer with all of the kids and that he should ask me what I wanted to do. I hadn’t breathed a word to her about any of this. She talked to him so much that I didn’t feel the need to add one word. God had answered my prayer at the first opportunity, and hours later, James asked if I wanted to stop at the coffee farm for a latte. He doesn’t even drink coffee. There we were, relaxed and happy, caffeinated and near a restroom. Now this was more like vacation!
I learned something valuable on that big island. I discovered that I don’t have to take matters into my own hands and insist on my rights. When I’m not happy with a decision, I should not prepare my case with the force of a district attorney. The most effective thing to do is to pray and ask God to be my advocate before speaking out. In day-to-day life, and even on vacation, we have to work together with our spouse, compromising and doing the dance of give and take. The danger comes when we insist on taking the wheel.
Deadlock in Wedlock
The idea of yielding to your husband may be the hardest principle in this book for you to swallow. Perhaps that’s why it’s the last letter to cover:
H = Hopeful
A = Adaptable
P = Positive
P = Purposeful
Y = Yielded
There are many misunderstandings today about submission, control, and leadership within a marriage. The husband who is overly authoritative and emotionally abusive can manipulate his wife to her destruction, all in the name of male leadership. I hope you do not fall into this category and that your husband does not hold you under his thumb. I hope you have a voice in your marriage. If you are married to a good and decent man, yielding to his leadership in the home is a wise decision. If you’re not too comfortable with that, take it up with Eve.
After Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, God described for Eve one of the consequences of their disobedience:
“I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy,
and in pain you will give birth.
And you will desire to control your husband,
but he will rule over you.”
(Genesis 3:16 NLT)
Listen to this helpful explanation of this verse by Karen Ehman, author of Let. It. Go.:
In the original Hebrew, the phrase that is translated, “Your desire shall be for your husband” actually means that a woman’s desire would be for her husband’s position. Meaning, he would be the pants wearer in the family, but she would want to wiggle her sweet little self into them instead and leave him holding a fig leaf...As a woman you’ll desire to be the boss, but your husband has already been assigned that job description. Bummer.1
You don’t have to look far in popular culture, or even within the walls of your own home, to see this tug-of-war played out between a husband and wife. These quotes are funny because we’ve all been there at one time:
• “My wife and I have an agreement—I don’t try to run her life and I don’t try to run mine.”
• “Compromise in marriage is an amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.”2
Yet the Bible tells us there is a divine order of creation: “But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3).
In other words, every man is responsible to Christ, a woman is responsible to her husband, and Christ is responsible to God. If Christ was humble enough to submit to the authority of His Father’s will (see Matthew 26:39), certainly we as humans are not above submission. As you think about what God’s Word says about yielding to others (including your husband) and esteeming others as better than yourself, you will be changed and softened for the better. Liz Curtis Higgs says,
I think being in God’s Word recreates us at a cellular level. I really do. I think we are made new in our very demeanor, in our temperament, and how we handle everything. I think a husband notices that. Your gentleness, your patience, whatever it was that you didn’t have much of, as you grow more in those areas it will stand out to him. And you’ll have a relationship with God that’s so sweet.
Isaiah 54:5 says, “For your Maker is your husband—the LORD Almighty is his name.” When we really make God our husband—absolutely the one we are most in love with, beholden to, and obedient to—there’s not a man alive who wouldn’t want that woman for a wife. She’s going to be sweeter, she’s going to be more loving, and she’s going to be stronger too. It isn’t a matter of becoming a doormat—no way! A woman who knows she is loved by God and is focused on Him is a powerful and strong woman for all the right reasons. The bottom line is a happy wife is a woman who is happy with her Lord.3
There’s Always the U-Turn
A few years ago, I got a speeding ticket on my way home from Costco. I remember telling the police officer that I was very sorry, but I was speeding because my little girl needed her nap and my little boy said he had to go to the bathroom. I still got the ticket. I decided to attend traffic school to reduce my fine, and at the end of my long day in class, we played Jeopardy to review. One of the questions was, “What’s it called when you’re driving down the street and you turn to go in the opposite direction?” Can you believe the woman sitting in front of me passed on that question? I saved my team with the brilliant answer, “U-turn.”
If you’ve been fighting for control in your marriage and you’ve been heading in the wrong direction, today is a great day to make a U-turn. After all, it might just save your husband-and-wife team.
Imagine you are driving down a highway labeled “My Life.” There’s a fork in the road. One direction has a sign that says “I stay in control.” The other direction says “I give control to God.” Which path do you choose and why?
Today’s Prayer
Lord, create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit in me. I yield to Your Holy Spirit today. Have Your way in my life. Help me to give control of my life over to You. I can’t see the future as You can. I trust in Your judgment and commit my plans into Your care.