“Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.”
JOSHUA 1:6
Consider the mass appeal of blockbusters like Gladiator and Braveheart. Those movies are centered on men of great courage who stepped up when everyone else backed down. As wives, don’t we long for a strong man like that to rescue and protect us when necessary? But maybe your superhero looks more like a couch potato. Guess what? You can be instrumental in his transformation.
If your husband feels usurped by your control in the home, after a while he will stop trying to lead. He will defer the big and small decisions to you. Certainly there is give and take in marriage. You are not to be a silent partner while he calls all the shots. But when your husband thinks you wear the pants in the family, it’s demoralizing to him. Your dissatisfaction with his leadership will lead to passivity. His passivity will lead to more of your dissatisfaction. And that unhealthy cycle spins around and around.
The modern woman wishes her man would step up to the plate and take responsibility. But when he does step up, he’s often met with criticism instead of praise. When we tell our husbands to step up, we must also be prepared to step down and make room for his leadership.
The Best Way
John Wooden, the former coach of the record-setting UCLA basketball team, won ten national championships in twelve years. Yet with all of his success on the court, he believed he had an even more successful marriage. In his book Wooden: A Lifetime of Observations and Reflections On and Off the Court, he wrote:
Did your marriage start from love? Of course it did. So, look back. Were you more considerate then? Have you lost that for some reason? Marriage requires that each partner listen to the other side. It’s like what I say about leadership: “You must be interested in finding the best way, not in having your own way.” The same is true in marriage. Don’t be stubborn and insist on having your own way. Look to find a way that works for both of you.6
You must be interested in finding the best way. Think of your relationship with your husband. Do you press for your way or for the mutually best way? Do you back up his decisions and allow him to lead in the home? My kids know if they ask me for ice cream and I say yes, but then it comes out that James had already said no, there’s no discussion. I will say, “I didn’t know that Daddy said no. You know that Daddy makes the final decision.” Sometimes I disagree with his decision, but that is secondary to my commitment to honor him in our home.
Like the time he forced me to step up even when I had a bum ankle. I was recovering from a sprained ankle, so I couldn’t do any exercises that put pressure on my ankle. A perfect time for a vacation from the gym, right? Not so according to my personal coach, James. He declared that swimming would be perfect for me. He said he would watch the kids so I could go swim at the gym.
But I didn’t want to go swimming. I’m not a good swimmer (think doggie paddle). I wear contact lenses and don’t like getting under the water. But without my contacts, I’m as blind as a non-swimming bat. I had watched the people in the pool and they certainly didn’t swim like me. As James prodded me to get my bathing suit and get going, I said some words to him that would not fit my “happy wife” profile. I moaned all the way to the car, dragged myself into that locker room, and into the foreign land of the swimming pool.
At first the water was cold. I was miserable and embarrassed. But after a lap or two (and the comfort of someone a few lanes down who looked more foolish than I did), I began to enjoy myself. When it was all said and done, I was happy for the exercise. Yielding to James had been painful at the time, but the end result was very positive. Swimming became my exercise staple while my ankle healed.
Yielding to your husband can feel like stepping into a cold pool. Should I really be doing this? Hmm, this feels uncomfortable. Maybe I should get out. But, my friend, if you stick with it, you’ll be in perfect stroke with your husband in just a few laps.
Dig for Courage
In his book Stepping Up: A Call to Courageous Manhood, Dennis Rainey writes,
I believe there’s something in the chest of a man that responds in a unique way to stories of courage. There’s a piece of every man’s heart that longs to be courageous, to be bold and gutsy and etch a masculine mark of bravery on the human landscape...
Real courage is doing your duty under fire. And we all face situations throughout our lives that require that type of courage. Valor at home, protecting our wives and children. Moral courage in the marketplace. Becoming the men God created us to be, despite whatever pressures we face in the world.7
Your husband wants to rise up to be the hero in your life. You’re the only one who can allow him the privilege of protecting and guiding you. If your home is the stage on which real life is played out, your husband doesn’t want to fight you for the leading role. But if you step down, you will give him the courage to step up. Many men are afraid to step up and lead because they don’t know if they will fail or succeed. You can give him the assurance that you would rather have him try and fail than to be a passive member of the family.
Perhaps you’d like for your husband to be the leader of the home, but you’re not sure if he can really do it. You can dig into God’s Word for the courage you need to let go. Lynn Donovan’s husband isn’t a Christian and that can lead to conflict in decision making and daily life. She found her husband’s unbelief pushing her to read the Bible more. She needed to really learn what it meant to love her husband through the power of Jesus Christ.
I had a lot of selfishness and a lot of expectations of this man who was merely a human being. I finally made a daily morning appointment with the King of kings to read God’s Word and pray, and that changed my life. Having God’s Word pour over me, I learned to let go of my selfishness. I learned to surrender some things. I pray and give Him my frustrations. I pray and ask Him to fill me up with His love. I pray and ask the Holy Spirit to come into my midst. What’s so great about the living God of the universe, He filled in those gaps that my mortal, imperfect husband couldn’t.8
Are you ready for God to fill in the gaps? Are you ready for your husband to become the man God wants him to be? It all begins with one step down so your husband can take one step up to the plate. Let him lead. You’ll be glad you did.
Today’s Picture
Imagine yourself standing on a stage that represents your home. You are holding a microphone, calling out directions. Your husband is seated in the front row, waiting for you to hand over the microphone to him because he has something to say. Do you hand the microphone to him cheerfully or grudgingly?
Today’s Prayer
Lord, be glorified in my home. Help me to trust my husband’s leadership as we work together as a team. Show me how to encourage him as a man and a leader. I humble myself before You and ask You to bring Your order and peace to my marriage.