But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
GALATIANS 5:22-23
What kind of fruit is your marriage yielding? When Hayley DiMarco got married, her first year of marriage wasn’t yielding much sweet fruit. Instead, it was yielding a lot of broken plates. She and her husband, Michael, were in their thirties and set in their ways when they married. The courtship was dreamy, but when it was time to combine lives and households, their worlds turned upside down. In her book The Fruitful Wife, Hayley writes:
We didn’t understand anything about each other except that we didn’t understand each other. Our fights seemed monumental. And so was our frustration and anger. In order to save our bedroom door and fine china, we both took action. Michael bought a punching bag, and I went to Goodwill and bought an armful of cheap plates. Our basement/garage was subterranean and covered with a thick rock wall. So we set up our “anger management” stations in the garage with a big pile of ceramic plates for me and a punching bag for him. Every time that we argued, which was almost every day, I would run downstairs and pick up a plate and scream as I sent it careening into the wall.
Before marriage, the fruitful life came easily...But after marriage the fruitful life stood in direct opposition to my feelings of bitterness, anger, doubt, and pain. And I came to realize that the fruit of the Spirit doesn’t show itself so much when life is a dream, when there is no chaffing, no trials, no suffering, and no compromise. What shows itself in those moments of perfection is the fruit of the flesh seen in Romans 8:5: “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh.”10
The flesh acts well when everything is going well. But it’s only by the Holy Spirit that we can continue to bear sweet fruit—even when we’d rather throw a plate!
Banana Peel Races
Speaking of fruit, one especially memorable birthday party for James included our first—and last—banana peel race. My husband, who’s a Realtor, had taken our living room furniture to stage a vacant home he was selling. Since we had an empty room, we decided to take advantage of the space to do something zany at his party. Picture a relay race with one person sitting in a chair and another person pushing that chair around a cone and back. Put a banana peel under each leg of the chair, and you’ve got a speed cart!
The kids and the adults loved racing around our living room, skating along on banana peels. It left a slippery mess behind, so naturally the losing team got to mop the wood floor afterward (thanks guys!). Just like that banana peel underneath the chair gave it speed and power, the Holy Spirit can empower you to do things in your marriage that you can’t do alone.
You are not expected to be able to be consistently loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled on your own. But you can be these desirable qualities when you yield yourself to God’s Holy Spirit and allow Him to grow that fruit in you.
As a wife, maybe you’ve sat down for that banana peel race, ready to glide and to be led by God’s Holy Spirit. But then you get pushed somewhere you don’t want to go, and you want off the ride. Dena Fuller remembers when her life’s fruit didn’t match up with her expectations.
Who doesn’t wish they were a missionary who could count the souls and orphans saved? There are times when I berate myself, Why aren’t you doing X, Y, or Z? Then God reels me back in. “It’s not what you’re doing, Dena. It’s who you are. You are Mine, and I am calling you to Me.” The doing flows out of the relationship. It’s abiding in Christ. He’s the vine and I’m the branch. The fruit that is borne is not mine to choose. I don’t get to decide whether I bear apples or grapes or bananas. That’s not mine to choose. I just have to abide in Him.11
Perhaps the fruit you are bearing right now in your marriage isn’t exactly what you had pictured. But as long as you are abiding in Christ and living in accordance with His Word, take heart and hold on.
Insanity
You’ve probably heard the quote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Case in point: I was trying to upload three photos of my kids onto my Facebook page. After a long time, the second and third picture showed up, but not the first. Frustrated, I did the exact same process again with the same result. After failing a third time, I realized I’d better try something different. I waited until the first picture appeared before attempting to upload the second photo. That did the trick!
When the fruit of the Spirit you want to bear in your marriage isn’t quite “uploading,” it’s a good time to step back and ask yourself if there’s something you could be doing differently. You may continue to get the same dissatisfactory results if you don’t make a change. Do you respond to your husband in the flesh or in the Spirit? In other words, do you go with your gut reaction or do you ask God to give you wisdom before you speak?
Being pruned isn’t a fun process, but it yields fruit if you allow yourself to be corrected and to learn from your mistakes. As it says in Hebrews 12:11, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
Sweet Fruit
Thankfully for Hayley DiMarco those days of breaking plates are long gone. She and Michael are enjoying the sweet fruit of the Holy Spirit in their marriage and teaching others to do the same. Hayley writes about the war that wages within the heart of every wife:
This battle between the flesh and the Spirit isn’t spoken of as much as the symptoms of the battle are spoken of. Our feelings of betrayal, of hurt, of rejection, of abandonment, of isolation, and of frustration are often talked about, but they are not the cause or the root of the problem—only the symptoms. The root lies in our spiritual barrenness, our lack of the fruit of the Spirit.12
Like Hayley, we as wives must hunger for God to fill us with the fruit of the Spirit. In order for love, joy, peace, and kindness to grow, the soil of our hearts must be soft and ready to yield. No more barren days, doing this wife thing in our own strength and abilities. Instead, it’s time to rely on God’s power and submit to His Spirit in our marriages. The result will be a harvest of sweet, overflowing fruit—more fruit than you can even imagine!
Today’s Picture
You are staring at a delicious fruit basket. Your mouth begins to water as you look at the colorful apples, oranges, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, and kiwis. None of the fruit is rotten. In fact, much of the fruit looks supersized.
Today’s Prayer
Lord, I want my marriage to bear sweet fruit like that fruit basket. I don’t want anything rotten in my marriage—no unforgiveness, bitterness, malice, pride, or envy. I turn my back on those things. Fill me with the Holy Spirit and help me to bear fruit that is pleasing to You. May the fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control—be evident in my life today.