Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure...think about such things.
PHILIPPIANS 4:8
When James and I were first married, he had an unusual request. Could we spend the first three months without a television? The request seemed outrageous. Not only did I love watching television, I worked producing feature stories for a national television show. However, James convinced me that life and work would continue on track even without episodes of ER. I soon discovered something very important early in our marriage. I didn’t miss the television. In fact, I thoroughly enjoyed the peaceful environment of our home.
It’s been fifteen years since we made that agreement, and we still don’t watch television in our home. We do have a TV and a DVD player, but we’ve never subscribed to cable. Sure we’ve missed out on a lot of popular culture and entertainment. We don’t know who The Bachelor picked, why the Desperate Housewives were so desperate, or what’s happened in The Office. We’re basically Lost. But we do know what is happening in each other’s lives in high definition. Plus we’ve skipped a lot of the negativity that enters a home through popular shows. Not many producers in Hollywood have your marriage’s best interests at heart.
Technology has charged ahead of us—inventing new convenient ways to watch your favorite programs and movies on multiple devices. You can spend hours on social media sites, such as Facebook and Pinterest, connecting with “friends” while your flesh-and-blood husband sits alone in the other room watching sports.
Consider this relational equation:
More screen time = Less marital satisfaction
Less screen time = More marital satisfaction
Now before you get too defensive, I’m not saying you should throw your smartphone, computer, or TV out the window. But I am asking, Would your life improve if you unplugged more often? If much of your free time is spent in front of a television, computer, tablet, or mobile device, how does that impact the quality of your marriage? Maybe the television is a constant companion chatting away in the background. Your computer is an oasis so you don’t have to interact face-to-face with anyone, including your spouse. Keep in mind social media may be very antisocial for your marriage. You may not realize it, but screen time may be robbing you of the time and tenderness that you desperately long for.
Stealing Time
Each of us is given twenty-four hours a day. No more, no less. Whether you have an extraordinary marriage or a mediocre one, you get the same amount of time as everyone else to invest in that marriage. According to a Nielsen report, the average American spends more than thirty-four hours a week watching live television, plus another three to six hours watching taped programs. That’s as much as forty hours a week of television!10
Think of all that time that could be spent in more meaningful ways. What if you watch only fifteen hours of television a week? You could still take half those hours and use that time to take a walk around the block with your husband, go on a dinner date, or snuggle up on the couch together with great books.
Zig Ziglar described television as the “income suppressant.” 11 James calls it the “stupidvision.” In the right amounts, television can be a welcome diversion and a way to laugh or be touched by something profound. But at the average rate of thirty-four hours a week, let’s call it what it is: a waste of time.
Relationship Killers
For my book 31 Days to a Happy Husband, I interviewed actor Kevin Sorbo (Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Soul Surfer). He said this about television’s portrayal of the family man:
Hollywood does such a great job of demasculinizing men. If you look at any sitcom, that guy’s an idiot. He’s a moron. His kids are all rolling their eyes. They’ve done that for decades. Kids grow up watching that and they think fathers are idiots. You look before with Father Knows Best or My Three Sons, the dad had smart things to say to his kids. He was a moral man who led by good example. For some reason, it’s become funny to make the dad fat and stupid.12
When we watch sitcoms that ridicule many of the values we believe in, our relationships suffer. Slowly we believe the story lines we watch on our favorite shows. Fathers are inept. Women are smart and deserve more. Sex should be enjoyed often and with whomever you find attractive. Are these the stories you want to fill your mind with?
Hours of screen time, day after day, with the television or computer will undoubtedly cause your relationship with your husband to weaken. It’s easy to escape and envision a better life. If only your home looked like the photo on Pinterest. If only your husband were as handsome as the lead actor. Counselor and author Leslie Vernick says it’s important for a woman to be aware of the stories she is telling herself. Here are four common stories, according to Leslie:
Story line 1: I should be better than I am. That’s a huge story that women tell themselves. I should be a better mother. I should be a better wife. I should be thinner, smarter, a better housekeeper. Whatever it is, I should be better than I am, so I’m constantly unhappy because I can never be enough.
Story line 2: Life should be better than this. Things should be better than they are. If we’re constantly in that mindset, we’re going to be disappointed. We’re not handling now. Because now should be better than it is. We’re not looking for the positive and the things we can grow from. We’re just constantly negative because it should be better than this.
Story line 3: Life should be easy and fair. People don’t want to have to work at things. Hollywood does not want to teach us that marriage is hard work. They want to teach us that it’s all romance. If you have passion and a great sex life, that’s all it takes. That’s just not true. Life isn’t easy and it’s not fair.
Story line 4: I deserve more than I have. We live in a very strong entitlement culture, so we constantly think we deserve more. I deserve a better husband. I deserve a better house, more money, more happiness, more whatever! Then we can never be grateful for what we have. What we have isn’t enough. We deserve more.13
When you tell yourself any of these stories, which are constantly reinforced by television and movies, you become more and more unhappy with your life. One way you can begin rewriting your life story is by turning off the negativity, lust, greed, and self-centeredness you find rampant on television and in movies today.
The Curfew
Though James and I don’t get cable, we can easily spend an hour or two wasting time online in the evenings. We realized that after we put the kids to bed at night, we were retreating to our computers. Individually in separate rooms, we answered emails, browsed Amazon, checked Facebook, and watched YouTube videos.
One night James said, “I’m on the computer all day, why am I wasting time at night on this thing?” He proposed—as you can perhaps guess—a solution. We would try a computer curfew. At a reasonable time, such as thirty minutes after the kids went to bed, we would turn off our computers. Neither of us is particularly productive at night. My ability to write has pretty much expired after nine o’clock.
Sometimes we miss the computer curfew, but we follow it most evenings. Turning off the computer earlier in the evening is rejuvenating. It feels good to swap screen time for rest. Sometimes we lie in bed together reading books. Other nights, we give each other massages. And of course, we have more time for intimacy, which certainly counts as quality time.
So the next time you’re aimlessly flipping through channels or clicking through social sites online, stop yourself and ask a few questions:
• What could be a better use of my time right now?
• Does this activity help or harm my relationship with my husband?
• Would anybody really care if I didn’t watch this program or didn’t show up online?
When you turn off your electronic devices more often, you’ll turn on other things in your marriage such as creativity, quality time, compassion, and stronger connection. Think on what’s true, noble, right, and pure. If you dwell on those things and not the nightly news or a crime drama, you’ll be a hope-filled, happier wife.
Today’s Picture
You and your husband are sitting in the living room. You are not watching television or using your phones. Neither of you is online with the computer or a tablet. Your husband has his arm around you, and you are talking to each other and kissing occasionally. This is what ten minutes of free time can look like. Try it for yourself later on today!
Today’s Prayer
Lord, I quiet myself in Your presence. I am still and I know You, God. Forgive me for being more attached to my cell phone and social networks than I am to Your holy Word. I want to have fewer distractions in my life. Show me when I’m wasting time. Show me how I can spend more quality time with my husband. I will think about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable in my marriage today.