In the past 31 days, you’ve noticed that happiness isn’t defined as that feeling you get when your husband comes home with dinner and roses. Happiness is more like a gift you receive when you choose to be grateful. Remember what life was like before you met your husband? You longed for someone tall, dark, and handsome to sweep you away from a life of loneliness. I love this little story from Charlie Jones:
The professor of English was trying to drum into his class the importance of a large vocabulary. “I assure you,” he said, “if you repeat a word ten or twelve times, it will be yours forever.” In the back of the room a cute coed took a deep breath, closed her eyes and whispered, “Richard, Richard, Richard...”1
Many days ago, you whispered your husband’s name over and over again, and you got what you wanted! When James and I were engaged, he lived in Dallas and I lived in Virginia Beach. We wrote letters almost daily. Here’s something I wrote to him on July 10, 1998:
Dear Cute Boy,
I can’t wait to see you! I am counting the days. It’ll be so wonderful to see your face and hold your hand and smell your neck and kiss your lips—a little bit of heaven right here on earth.
I’m giggling now as I read those words. I was giddy with love back then. Today, when James comes home from work, I will see his face. I can hold his hand and smell his neck and kiss his lips. But will I think, Ah, heaven on earth? When I make a point to remember where we’ve come from, it makes a big difference, doesn’t it? You must take the time to remember your past with gratitude. You don’t sit idly by, waiting for that feeling of happiness to overtake you, waiting for your husband to wow you once more. You act first by thinking differently—by thinking gratefully. Then that wonderful feeling of happiness will rush in behind those positive thoughts of thanksgiving.
When Unhappy Days Come
No doubt your husband will say something insensitive to you and hurt your feelings—maybe even before you fall asleep tonight. Unhappy moments in a marriage are bound to come. The question is how are you going to respond? You must believe that it’s not your husband’s job to make you happy. You are not dependent on him. It’s not up to life to make you happy. You are not dependent on perfect circumstances. You must take responsibility for your own life and happiness.
Leslie Vernick gives this advice to help you manage negative emotions:
Often people overidentify with their emotions. They’ll say, “I’m so mad” or “I’m so unhappy.” When they say it that way, it makes the emotion stronger than it should be because they are not their feelings. They are not their anger. They are just feeling anger. We need to teach ourselves to say, “I am aware that I’m feeling anger now.” Once we have that awareness that is separate from our anger, we can do something about the anger. We now have our feelings versus our feelings having us. That makes a huge difference in how we decide to respond to the emotion we’re feeling.2
Don’t ever think of yourself or refer to yourself as an unhappy wife. Be aware of those times when you are feeling unhappiness and realize that you have control over that emotion. Unhappiness doesn’t have control over you anymore.
When unhappiness knocks at the door of your heart, I want you to remember this little story about my son Ethan. He was being silly in the bathtub, pretending to be a deep-sea diver and going under the water to make his sisters laugh. One time he dunked under, and I heard this “Boom!” I cringed because I knew he had hit the bottom of the tub with his head. But instead of crying, he came up laughing. He felt embarrassed and goofy. Laughter had effectively served as anesthesia, lessoning the pain of the bonk to his head.
So the next time unhappiness knocks, greet it with a big smile and a sense of humor. If you can keep a light heart, laughing at the ups and downs of married life, your journey will have many more happy days than sad ones. Remember, a merry heart is like medicine!
Your Word of the Day
James had a life-changing encounter with Jesus in junior high. He became an outspoken Christian, carrying his Bible to school and even to parties. His nickname was Moses. He would have the “Word of the Day,” a Bible verse he would write on a piece of paper and pass around class. Kids would come up to him and ask, “Hey James, what’s the Word of the Day?” Decades later, I attended his class reunion, and his classmates were still asking him for the Word of the Day.
We’ve been focusing on five key words in this 31-day experiment of becoming a happier wife. Which of these words have resonated with you the most?
H = Becoming Hopeful
A = Becoming Adaptable
P = Becoming Positive
P = Becoming Purposeful
Y = Becoming Yielded
When I feel grumpy (yes, I do feel grumpy), I like to go through this checklist in my mind:
Is my hope in God?
Am I being adaptable and pliable?
Do I have a positive attitude?
Do I have a clear purpose?
Am I yielded to God and to my husband?
Going through these five questions gives me clarity and perspective. It puts my feelings in the proper place. It helps me identify what I’m doing right, which boosts my spirits, and also helps me identify where I can make positive changes. Keep these five keys of being HAPPY in your mind and make a commitment to grow in these areas long after you turn the last page of this book.
Enjoy the Party
When my daughter Noelle turned six, we invited a few of her friends to our home for a fancy tea party. My parents were going to help serve, so I told them and James to wear a white shirt and black pants. About thirty minutes before the party, James was still wearing a T-shirt and jeans. I didn’t want to nag, but I couldn’t resist asking, “You’re not going to wear that are you?”
Several minutes later, I hardly recognized him. He was wearing a white tuxedo shirt and black bow tie from his days as a waiter at a country club—during high school! Not only had he found the shirt and tie, he could still wear them. He waited on those girls as though they were royalty. One of the girls said he looked like a groom. And I couldn’t have agreed more!
That day, James’s thoughtfulness wowed me big time. It was a tuxedo red-letter day that I will always remember. Not every day of marriage is a tuxedo day. Actually most are jeans and T-shirt days. But that’s okay. Marriage is a continual feast if you can enjoy each day you’re given with the one you love.
So for now, my friend, I leave you with this Word of the Day from 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”