CHAPTER FOURTEEN

THE PHANTOM MENACE

Henry VIII yanked open the fridge door.

‘Ah, yes, the victuals store!’

He rummaged inside.

‘I’ll just help myself to a morsel,’ he said. ‘Just something small. I can’t manage to hold heavy things now I’m all ghostly. But a little something … Ah! What do we have here? Some form of posset?’

Henry grabbed a yoghurt and tipped it into his ghost mouth, gulped it down his ghost throat and SLAP! It fell straight through his ghost body and on to the floor.

‘I’ve always enjoyed feasting,’ he said. ‘Appetite of a bear! But these days I can’t seem to get enough sustenance!’

I can see why, thought Jonny, staring at the yoghurt splat on the floor. Widget spied it too, and began licking it up.

‘Be gone, cur,’ said Henry, kicking out at him.

‘That’s my dog!’ shouted Jonny.

‘Call that a hound?’ snorted Henry.

‘He’s a Cockapoo.’

‘Language!’ said Henry. ‘I won’t tolerate a potty-mouthed child.’

‘Sorry, it’s the type of dog, Your Royal Mightiness,’ said Jonny.

‘Hmm,’ said Henry, his top lip still curling with disdain. ‘What does he do? Is he a good ratter? Is he fast? Can he take a deer?’

‘He’s good at catching a tennis ball,’ offered Jonny.

‘Tennis!’ said Henry. ‘I used to enjoy a game of that. Loved all sports, in fact. Marvellous for showing your true worth and valour. Actions speak louder than words, young Jimmy.’

‘Jonny,’ said Jonny.

‘Now, show me to the great hall,’ said Henry.

In the living room Henry stood and stared. His huge bulk almost filled the space.

‘Not very grand,’ he sniffed. ‘You need some tapestries on the wall. Brighten the place up a bit.’

‘Mum decorated in here last year,’ said Jonny. ‘The colour is a sort of white with a hint of –’

‘And it’s so small!’ boomed Henry, striding around the room. ‘How do you receive the court, foreign ambassadors, ladies-in-waiting?’

‘We sometimes bring in a chair from the kitchen,’ said Jonny, ‘if we have family over …’

‘What’s this?’ asked Henry, indicating the TV.

Jonny switched it on. There was a cartoon on. Henry’s eyes grew wide. He looked behind the TV and even passed his hand through it (Jonny still couldn’t get over how totally mad this was).

‘Why, this is pure alchemy,’ Henry muttered. ‘Spirits conjured from thin air …’

He hover-sat on the floor, transfixed.

Jonny nipped back to the kitchen and quickly wiped the rest of the yoghurt up. His mum appeared silently.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked.

‘Er, cleaning?’ said Jonny.

‘Ooh, lovely,’ said his mum. ‘Bless you! Such a good boy.’

Then she froze.

‘What was that?’ she asked.

She looked towards the living room. She’d heard a noise. Henry! He was guffawing as he watched the cartoon.

‘I think the TV is on, that’s all,’ said Jonny, racing to the living room, where he frantically waved at Henry to be quiet.

‘What is it, lad?’ asked Henry.

‘My mum is in the kitchen …’ Jonny did the finger-across-the-throat gesture to urge Henry to shut up.

Henry’s eyes squeezed into tiny dashes.

‘Listen, my young sire,’ he growled. ‘If anyone is ordering any head chopping-off around here, it is me! Understand?’

‘Of course, Your Utter Splendidness, I totally understand, but if you could just be a tiny weensy bit more quiet …’

Unfortunately, Henry didn’t keep quiet. Even with the noisy kettle boiling, Jonny could still hear him in the living room. Every time he hooted with laughter, Jonny had to laugh too, to cover it.

‘What’s so funny?’ asked Jonny’s mum.

‘Just something I thought of,’ said Jonny. ‘To do with polar bears and scones and, er, you know? Hah, imagine that!’

Henry yelled again. ‘God’s bodkins! I’ve never seen the like of it!’

‘Atishooo!’ went Jonny, just a fraction too late.

‘There! Again! I can hear something,’ said his mum.

‘I sneezed,’ said Jonny.

‘No, that shout,’ she said.

‘Next door?’ suggested Jonny.

‘Wait, what’s that sound?’ she said, staring at the kitchen door.

There was sort of whooshing noise. Coming up the hall. From the living room. They could both hear it.

Jonny gulped hard as Henry appeared in the kitchen. He winked at Jonny, then pointed with his ringed finger at the fridge before hovering towards it.

‘Er, let’s go and check in the living room,’ said Jonny, grabbing his mum’s hand and dragging her up the corridor. ‘Oh look, the TV is still on. That must be what we heard.’

Jonny snapped the TV off. His mum looked confused and slightly suspicious. Then Henry reappeared with another yoghurt. Jonny wasn’t sure how this ‘only you can see me’ thing worked with Henry. What if Henry was invisible to his mum but the yoghurt wasn’t? His mum was definitely not going to miss a mysterious floating yoghurt, and might have something to say about it too … Uh oh …

‘I must go and get dressed,’ said Jonny, racing past his mum and through Henry, who sort of ghosted around him like mist and then re-formed. Jonny grabbed the yoghurt as he went and held it up.

‘Mmm, yoghurt!’ he said. ‘I’ll eat it in my room!’

Then he jerked his head in a ‘let’s go’ gesture to Henry and the regal phantom followed, drifting out through the living room wall and up through the ceiling. By the time Jonny made it to his bedroom, Henry was already there.