CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

ALFIE ARRIVES

Jonny pulled the door open. A boy stood on the front step. He beamed at Jonny, blue eyes twinkling, golden hair gleaming, cuteness radiating from him like water off a shaking dog.

‘I’m Alfie!’ said the little chap. He only came up to Jonny’s shoulder. ‘Come from the Sibling Swap!’

‘Hello! How old are you?’ Jonny asked.

‘Eight,’ said Alfie. ‘But I’m nearly nine.’

‘Perfect! I’m nearly ten,’ said Jonny. ‘Now, before you come in, can I just check: you look human. Are you?’

Alfie looked confused.

‘Are you a regular boy?’ Jonny continued. ‘Not one raised by porcupines? You’re not some sort of weird fairytale creature that was brought up on a glacier by griffins?’

‘What are you on about?’ Alfie asked.

‘You’re not a pixie, are you? Or a werewolf? Or allergic to air or happiest living in a bog or …’

Alfie shook his head.

‘Excellent!’ said Jonny. ‘Come on in! Be my guest!’

‘I’m not your guest, though, am I!’ laughed Alfie, stepping inside. ‘I’m your new brother! You asked for me and here I am! Race you to the top of the stairs!’

Alfie shot upstairs like he’d been fired out of a cannon, with Jonny behind him. Once inside Jonny’s room, Alfie climbed on to the bed.

‘Let’s see who can bounce on the bed the best!’ he said.

‘You’re on!’ said Jonny, and immediately the two boys got stuck into some rip-roaring bouncing. What a great way to break the ice with your new brother! Eventually, panting and giggling, they flopped down on the duvet.

‘Phew, that was fun,’ Jonny puffed. ‘You’re a good bouncer. Have you bounced before?’

‘Of course!’ said Alfie. ‘I love bouncing. And running around. And climbing trees and doing ninja rolls off swings and –’

‘I get it,’ said Jonny. ‘Me too. Except for the climbing bit. I just like, you know, messing about. My older brother, Ted, says that’s stupid. He wouldn’t even play cards with me. He says, “You know I’ll win, so what’s the point? I’m better at everything.”’

‘He sounds annoying,’ said Alfie.

Yeah, he was pretty annoying, thought Jonny, the way he always went on about how hard it was being the oldest because he had to get up early for school and walk the dog sometimes … ‘Hey, where are you going?’

Alfie had shot out the door. As he ran, one foot clipped the brick castle on the floor, knocking off a turret. Jonny found him in Ted’s bedroom, looking through the wardrobe. Jonny noticed with a gulp that it was still full of Ted’s clothes. Had Ted not packed before he left? Perhaps there hadn’t been time … Then he saw that Alfie had put on Ted’s favourite hoodie. It was gigantic on him. With the hood up he could hardly see out. He stumbled about the room, tripping on the bed and bouncing off the walls.

Jonny laughed. Then he grabbed Ted’s school tie and put it on.

‘Ooh, look, my name’s Ted and I’m really cool because I go to secondary school. We have design lessons and do trampolining! Did I mention I’m nearly thirteen years old? Hey, check out my mobile phone. It’s so smart! It’s a smartphone! You’ve only got a rubbish brick thing, Jonny. Durr, what a loser!’

Alfie was squealing with laughter.

‘I’m glad I make you laugh,’ said Jonny. ‘It was tricky to make Ted laugh. He said I wasn’t funny!’

‘You are quite funny,’ said Alfie.

‘Yeah? Well, if you think that’s only quite funny, wait until you see this!’

He ran back to his room, pulled on his panda onesie and stuffed it with all his teddies (despite being almost ten, Jonny still liked his soft toys, which was yet another thing Ted teased him about). Then he lumbered towards Alfie, looking like a sumo wrestler who had eaten all his friends’ pies.

Alfie laughed and laughed at this, then ran at Jonny, power-jumping head first into his massive stuffed belly until they both collapsed on the floor.

‘That was good,’ Alfie said. ‘I’m probably funnier, though.’

Jonny didn’t say anything. He had unzipped his onesie and was busy pulling teddies from deep inside it.

‘Was Ted really like that?’ Alfie asked. ‘Like your impression of him? He was next door to me at Sibling Swap, but I didn’t get to know him.’

‘Next door?’ asked Jonny.

‘Yes, in the place the siblings wait,’ said Alfie. ‘The fishy-smelling place.’

Jonny paused. It felt weird to know Alfie had been near Ted recently, that Ted was being held somewhere, waiting for a new brother or sister to snap him up. Jonny’s tummy did an uneasy little flutter.

‘Well?’ said Alfie. ‘Was Ted like you said?’

‘Oh yes,’ said Jonny. ‘He always said I was slow at everything and called me a human sloth. And he liked to sit in here all the time messing about on his phone, which was so boring. He also changed his name in the contacts on my phone from Ted to GOD! Really annoying. Sometimes we had a nice time, I suppose. We made that castle together, the one in my room …’

‘Are you coming down for breakfast?’ Jonny’s mum called from downstairs.

‘Come and meet my mum!’ said Jonny.

‘She’s my mum now, as well,’ said Alfie.

Jonny blinked, processing this for a second. It felt a bit weird. He’d forgotten the whole mother–son side of this brother swapping. He would have to share his mum with a new brother.

‘Bet she thinks I’m cute,’ said Alfie. ‘All grown-ups do! Just watch.’