CHAPTER NINETEEN

ADVENTURES WITH A LOVELY LITTLE CHAP

Alfie was right.

‘And who’s this?’ Jonny’s mum asked when she saw Alfie. He had tucked in behind Jonny, like he was terribly shy, and was now peeping round at Jonny’s mum, smiling cutely, his blond hair shimmering like a Saharan sunset.

‘This is Alfie,’ said Jonny. ‘My … er …’

‘Hello!’ said Alfie, his huge manga eyes pulling her in like impossible-to-resist tractor beams.

‘Is Alfie playing here today?’ Jonny’s mum asked. ‘I hope so. Will you stay, Alfie?’

‘I’d really love to, yes, please, if that’s OK, thanks,’ said Alfie, beaming again.

‘Maybe he could sleep over as well?’ Jonny suggested. ‘Ted texted to say he’ll be at Jim’s again tonight, as it’s a bank holiday and all that …’

‘Great!’ said Jonny’s mum. ‘How about you two go to the park after breakfast?’

The boys nodded.

‘I think this calls for a special treat, don’t you?’ Jonny’s mum added, looking at Alfie like he was a basket of kittens. ‘It’s nice to have a new friend here, isn’t it, Jonny? What’s your favourite thing to eat, Alfie?’

Jonny whispered ‘doughnuts’ into Alfie’s ear and gave him a nudge with his elbow.

‘Go nuts!’ shouted Alfie.

‘He means doughnuts!’ blurted Jonny. ‘It’s his funny word for them.’

‘Doughnuts? Jonny loves those too,’ said his mum. ‘Buy a big box, Jonny. After all, it’s not often we have such a lovely little chap to visit.’

After cornflakes, Jonny went outside with the lovely little chap, and the lovely little chap proceeded to run up and down the pavement at top speed, whooping and whacking trees with a stick in a manner quite opposite to the way a real lovely little chap might behave.

‘I betted that she would love me,’ said Alfie. ‘And I betted right. Your mum totally thinks I’m amazing. I bet she loves me more than you!’

‘Of course she doesn’t,’ said Jonny, trying to sound confident. ‘Don’t be daft. I’m her real son, anyway.’

‘Yeah, but I’m really cute,’ said Alfie, stamping on a snail.

‘Hyper, more like,’ Jonny muttered under his breath. He was having fun with Alfie, for sure, but the pace was a little hectic. Then Jonny’s fingers felt the coins in his pocket and he remembered the doughnuts that Alfie’s charm had helped secure. Suddenly, he felt better.

Jonny marched off towards the shop with Alfie racing around him, now beating bins and lamp posts with his stick like a demented gibbon.

‘Hello, Mrs Algernon,’ said Jonny politely, when he saw his neighbour pruning her privet hedge. Mrs Algernon just nodded at him. Yup, still grumpy. Probably hadn’t forgiven him for falling into it the other day. Probably never would.

Jonny hadn’t seen Mrs Algernon smile in the five years they had lived near each other. Ted said she didn’t know how to smile. ‘Her face has all the muscle tone of porridge,’ Ted would say. That always made Jonny laugh.

Mrs Algernon squinted at him and gruffly nodded again, then she spotted Alfie and her face seemed to melt, like cheese on a radiator.

‘New friend?’ she asked Jonny.

‘This is Alfie,’ he said.

By now Alfie was standing next to Jonny, in full shy, adorable mode. Wow, thought Jonny, this kid really knows how to turn on the charm. Look at him go! He could get an award for that performance! He just totally knows how to win over grown-ups!

‘Very nice to meet you,’ said Alfie, doing a little bow crossed with a curtsey. It would have looked ridiculous had Jonny done it, but, of course, when Alfie did it, it was pure, solid gold, one hundred per cent charm. With a cherry on top. No, two cherries, actually. And a tiny umbrella.

That was game over for Mrs Algernon. She was smitten. Alfie’s full-on cute offensive had claimed another victim. Jonny was impressed.

‘How delightful,’ she said. And then she smiled. She actually smiled!

Jonny thought he might faint or pee his pants or spontaneously combust. Unreal! he thought, I have to tell Ted about this! And then, Oh, yeah, he’s not here …

‘We have to go,’ said Jonny, giving Alfie a little shove. ‘Off to buy doughnuts.’

Mrs Algernon turned back to Jonny. Instantly, her smile slipped away, her eyes darkened and her face seemed to close, like someone slamming down the shutters on a shop full of rainbows.

‘She really liked you!’ said Jonny as the two boys walked along. ‘How do you do that?’

Alfie shrugged. ‘Old ladies in particular think I’m lovely. Bet I’ve made her day. Probably even her whole entire month! She totally prefers me to you now!’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ said Jonny, feeling just a teensy bit annoyed at how competitive and confident Alfie was. It was all a bit exhausting. The boy had so much energy too. He could barely stand still or shut up. Or could he? Jonny tried a little experiment.

‘Can you be quiet?’ he asked Alfie. ‘Just until we walk to the shop.’

‘Being quiet is boring, though,’ said Alfie, poking his stick into a drain.

‘OK, how about this,’ said Jonny. ‘A challenge! I bet you can’t shut up for two minutes!’

That was more like it. At the suggestion of a bet, Alfie perked up.

‘Eeeeeaasy!’ he roared. ‘Two minutes? Bet I can. I totally can.’

‘OK, I’ll time you,’ said Jonny.

And he did. And Alfie shut his mouth and concentrated on not making a peep. It was a lovely, quiet two minutes in which Jonny watched tiny Alfie, his cheeks going red with the effort of not speaking, and thought, Ahh, you’re kind of fun and cute, aren’t you, especially when you’re not yelling … But all too soon the time was up and the yelling was on again.

‘I win!’ Alfie roared, and began running around whacking more things with his stick. ‘Win! Win! Win the thing! Winner!’