CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

OPERATION OUTSMART

Jonny sat miserably on the bathroom floor. Alfie had laughed when he’d been sick. That wasn’t kind. Then he remembered, with a sigh, that Ted was often not particularly kind either. Maybe this was just how brothers were? What would Ted have done if Jonny had barfed up his cornflakes? Laughed too, perhaps, but after laughing Ted would have asked him how he was or helped him to bed, wouldn’t he?

Jonny remembered the time he fell off his bike trying to ride through a stream. Ted had told him he could do it, even though he probably knew it was impossible. The stream was too deep. Jonny’s bike was too small. He cycled in about halfway and then fell sideways into the muddy water. But after nearly peeing his pants with laughter, Ted had lent Jonny his jumper and helped him pull his bike out of the mud. Because your brother, however mean, is still your brother, right?

Alfie, on the other hand, didn’t seem to care about anything except making bets and winning and trying to prove that he was the best despite being only eight. Last night Jonny had gone from certain to sure to reasonably confident that he could make life with Alfie work. This morning, though, he was no longer certain, sure or reasonably confident about anything.

Then he heard his mum knock softly on the door.

‘Jonny?’ she asked. ‘Let me in, darling, so I can help you.’

He opened the door and saw Alfie grinning up at her.

‘I beat him in a cornflake-eating race!’ said Alfie proudly, but Jonny’s mum wasn’t interested. She was hugging Jonny. He thought he might cry. He suddenly realised he had also been worrying that his mum might prefer Alfie, that Alfie’s cutie-pieness might lure her away from her true son. Now, with a tidal wave of relief, he knew this wouldn’t happen.

Jonny’s mum suggested he go back to bed for a bit. But, shortly after snuggling down, Alfie burst in.

‘You can’t beat me at eating, at climbing trees, at jumping, at being annoying by singing the cheese song …’ said Alfie, counting his achievements off on his tiny fingers while Jonny gazed at him, realising, slowly but surely, that Alfie didn’t really care about him or his feelings, or anything other than proving he was the best, and charming adults so he could get away with all sorts of nonsense.

‘Why did you end up on Sibling Swap?’ Jonny interrupted, but deep down he’d already guessed why. He could have put a bet on it, in fact. ‘Did you annoy your brother so much he put you on the site?’

‘Sister,’ said Alfie, but he was hardly listening. ‘Anyway, I can probably beat you at tons of other things too, like long jump or …’

Yes, but I can beat you at thinking, Jonny decided, remembering how he had tricked Alfie into shutting up by making it a bet. You may be able to charm Mrs Algernon, you may be agile, you may have nine lives, but I have something you don’t. Brains! If I can’t beat you, I can at least outsmart you, just like a proper older brother!

With that, Jonny sat up.

‘You’re probably right,’ he said. ‘You probably can beat me at everything. Like jumping on the sofa. I mean, I can only jump up and down on it twenty times in a minute, but I bet you can do more.’

‘I bet I can too!’ shouted Alfie, rushing down to the living room and pinging about on the sofa in a frenzy. Jonny followed him and watched passively. He wasn’t even counting.

‘Nice! Amazing! You win. You’re better at jumping than me,’ said Jonny. ‘Oh my goodness, I’ve just realised. I bet you’re better at running up and down stairs than me.’

Before he’d even finished the sentence Alfie was hurling himself up and down the stairs, over and over again. Jonny congratulated him and issued another bet, and another and another, each one more tantalising than the last. Vaulting the garden wall. Leapfrogging the wheelie bin. Jumping, hopping, catching a ball. Whatever Jonny challenged Alfie to do, he did. He was so competitive that he even cleaned the toilet in under forty-five seconds, just because Jonny said it would take him fifty.

After half an hour of incessant betting, Alfie was growing tired, but Jonny wouldn’t let up.

‘This is so fun!’ he lied. ‘You really are good at everything. And you’re only eight! I can’t believe it.’

Alfie nodded and beamed and puffed a bit, his pretty cheeks flushed pink from the exertion.

‘Oh no, hang on!’ said Jonny. ‘I’ve just realised something you can’t do.’

‘What?’ said Alfie.

‘I bet you can’t run all the way back to Sibling Swap.’

‘Easy!’ roared Alfie. ‘It’s only a little way away. Super, mega, extra easy!’

‘So you know where Sibling Swap is?’

‘Yup, I can find it,’ said Alfie. ‘It’s in a warehouse on the edge of town, over there.’

He pointed through the window and Jonny squinted in the same direction.

‘Sorry, no, I’ve made a mistake,’ said Jonny, shaking his head. ‘You can’t run all the way over there. I know you’re really fast, but that’s just too far.’

‘I can,’ said Alfie. ‘In fact, I bet I could run there in ten minutes.’

‘What?’ said Jonny. ‘Only ten minutes? No, sorry, it’s impossible. I bet you can’t.’

‘Can! Can! Can!’ Alfie said, pogoing from one foot to the other.

‘No way,’ said Jonny. ‘It cannot be done.’

‘It can! I can do it!’ shrieked Alfie, looking like he might burst.

Jonny was silent for a moment, and then smiled calmly at him. ‘Go on then,’ he said.

That was it. Jonny didn’t need to say it again. It was like he’d shot the starter pistol for the Olympic 100 metre race. Alfie was gone, speeding out of the front door and down the street as fast as his almost-nine-year-old legs would carry him.

Jonny watched the tiny figure disappear into the distance, and then he emailed the Sibling Swap office, telling them to expect Alfie on their doorstep very soon. He added that he didn’t want another swap right away. He needed time to think about it all. Soon after, a Swap op emailed back to say he was entitled to a replacement anyway, and they had already sent one. Jonny sighed and then shrugged. You know what they say? he thought. Fifth time lucky. Then he realised that, actually, nobody ever said that. Oh well …