CHAPTER THIRTY

BACKGROUND CHECKS

‘OK, fill me in on your friends,’ said J2, gripping a pencil, ready to take notes. So Jonny explained how George was his best mate and was mad about computers and coding. How his friend Alex always wore shorts, even if it was freezing out, and how Mya wanted to be a film director and had a collection of pine cones.

‘And what about your family?’ J2 asked, still scribbling madly. ‘I need some background so I can be convincing.’

So Jonny told J2 how his parents had split up when he was seven, and his dad lived quite far away. How Jonny had been upset by his parents’ divorce, and for almost a year afterwards he would creep into Ted’s bed and sleep with him at night. How he and Ted used to build dens together out of the clothes airer and some blankets and old towels and pegs, and hide in there for ages with torches, telling each other stories. How Ted loved to eat chocolate spread and peanut butter sandwiches. How lately, since Ted was nearly a teenager, he didn’t want to play and told Jonny to keep out of his room. How Ted always teased him about touching the Hanging Pants of Doom, and said Jonny hogged the Xbox and was rubbish at climbing. He said Ted was more boring these days, and that he missed how things used to be.

J2 wasn’t writing a lot of this down. ‘He must be a cool guy, though,’ he said.

‘Why?’ Jonny asked.

‘He was at the Sibling Swap warehouse when I was there. I never actually saw him, but his picture was up on the Star Swaps noticeboard. He was rated a Premium Swap. That’s, like, the best!’

‘Premium Swap?’ Jonny spluttered.

‘Yes, one of the best brothers on their books, so they were waiting to find the perfect home for him.’

Jonny looked astonished at this. ‘What’s so premium about Ted?’

‘I dunno,’ shrugged J2, ‘but there was some blurb below his pic describing him. How he was mature and sensible, perfect older-brother material. Did his share of jobs around the house, like emptying the dishwasher and –’

‘I empty the dishwasher!’ shouted Jonny. ‘It’s not just Ted. He always goes on about how Mum lets me off stuff like hanging up the washing or emptying the dishwasher when I totally flipping swear word do it. Sometimes. Well, occasionally. Now and then, but I do do it!’

‘Calm down! It’s OK!’ said J2. ‘Come on, let’s do some building with those bricks over there. Or draw moustaches on people in the newspaper. Or flick through some comics. I know you like to do all those things. You must do, because I do too.’

J2 was right. Jonny liked to do all those things.

The two boys spent a couple of happy hours together, only interrupted when Jonny went down for dinner. He managed to sneak some food up to J2, and by 9 p.m. the brothers were tired. J2 decided to sleep under Jonny’s bed, out of the way, but, tucked in above him, Jonny couldn’t doze off. He was thinking about Ted being rated a Premium Swap. Ha! What rubbish! No wonder Sibling Swap had sent him so many unsuitable brothers if they went around grading Ted as Premium. They obviously had no idea. Then Jonny realised something else was nagging at his brain. It wasn’t the zombie hamster of doubt again, but it might have been its cousin, the nervous chipmunk of worry. Jonny remembered J2’s plan to go into school the next day. It was certainly plucky! But, oh swear word! Jonny thought, with a gulp. Was it also stupid? Dangerous even?

‘I’ve got an idea,’ he whispered to J2. ‘Why don’t we just be brothers, like normal? Not pretending to actually be each other, you know?’

‘No way!’ whispered J2. ‘This is going to be great.’

‘OK, I suppose so,’ said Jonny.

‘I know so!’ said J2. ‘Us being identical is going to be the biggest adventure ever.’

Just a few days ago Jonny would have agreed, but now, after a hectic few days with Sibling Swap, he wasn’t quite so sure …

Jonny woke up feeling more positive, and was excited when J2 went off to school, looking freakishly, weirdly like Jonny. Once his mum had gone to work, Jonny emerged from his room and settled himself in front of the TV with a huge bowl of snacks and a can of Pixie Fizz. He passed several happy hours watching and munching, and even found time for a nap. When J2 finally came home, Jonny was still in his PJs.

‘How was it?’ Jonny asked. ‘Did anybody guess? What did Mrs Flannery say? What about George? He’s really clever. Did he spot anything?’

Slowly, the two boys unpicked the day, with J2 explaining how it went, who said what and where and when.

‘It really worked,’ said J2, grinning. ‘That’s what I’m telling you! Nobody guessed. They all think I’m you! So you know what this means? It’s not like I’m your friend or just your brother. It’s like I am you! The same person!’

‘Amazing! I can’t believe no one guessed,’ Jonny said. ‘I mean, thanks, guys. I thought you were my friends. No, just kidding, J2. It’s cool, it’s really great.’

‘Great?’ said J2, bubbling with excitement. ‘This is more than great. This is big! Can’t you see? This is huge! This is … epic!’