CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

ALL BETTER NOW

When Jonny woke up he was not at home. He was not by the river either. But, looking around the room, he realised with a huge wave of relief that he was not alone.

Ted stood next to his bed. A hospital bed. Jonny lifted his hand to his head and winced. He had cuts and grazes on his scalp and a black eye. They all hurt.

‘About time you woke up!’ said Ted. ‘You’ve been out of it for ages. It’s half past nine at night! Mum was here, but she’s just gone to get a coffee.’

‘What happened?’ murmured Jonny.

‘Saved by the pants!’ said Ted. ‘Once Fatso knocked you down, he forgot about killing you and went running about, shaking his head like mad, trying to get the pants off. He eventually fell straight into the river and got swept down to George, and clambered into his boat. Sadly, the pants got washed away. But hey, that was some smart pant-throwing, brother! Though I still can’t believe you risked getting eaten by a dog to save me! You already proved you were a good brother by touching the Hanging Pants, anyway. You didn’t have to go that far.’

‘Actions speak louder than words,’ said Jonny. ‘King Henry taught me that!’

‘Yes, I did,’ said Henry, ghosting through the wall. ‘I always knew you were a man of valour, Jonny!’

‘Thanks, Your Specialness,’ said Jonny. ‘What happened to George?’

‘That knave!’ said Henry, narrowing his eyes. ‘He deserves chastising roundly, but in fact, young Peter-Pipper has taken him under her wing.’

‘Just to translate,’ said Ted. ‘Pete-Pip has decided to hold coding sessions in our shed with George, to keep an eye on him and also to help him channel his computer skills into something more sensible than a sibling-swapping website.’

‘Great idea,’ said Jonny.

‘She’s taken Sibling Swap down so there’s no trace of it now and she’s threatened to wipe all George’s hard drives if he dares try anything like that again.’

‘So all’s well that ends well,’ said Henry. ‘Being your brother has been a glorious diversion, Jonny, just as I hoped, but I see I could never replace Ted. Alas, Sibling Swap does not work, it appears. I think we can all agree on that! I shall retire to the Other Side and let you be at peace.’

Then Henry wafted away like royal smoke.

‘What happened to everyone else?’ Jonny asked. ‘Did Mervyn go back to the sea?’

Ted nodded. ‘Sends his love,’ he said. ‘He’s a bit too fishy for dry land. He did help himself to a few dodgy fish fingers before he went, though. Does that make him a cannibal?’

Jonny laughed and then winced. Ted put a hand on his brother’s shoulder.

‘Sorry you got beaten up by Fatso,’ he said. ‘I never wanted you to get hurt. Honest. Well, a bit. No! Not really! Joking!’

A grape bounced off Jonny’s head.

He looked up to see Pete-Pip, J2, Alfie and Hari bounding into the room, all talking – or in Hari’s case, squeaking – at once.

‘OK, people,’ Ted shouted above the racket. ‘Don’t crowd him out. He’s been through a lot. And don’t jump on his bed, Alfie! J2, stop lobbing grapes!’

‘We’re all going home!’ Alfie shouted, jumping up and down on the floor. ‘And Pete-Pip traced Hari’s true parents. They’re going to build a gigantic sandpit for him in their garden.’

Hari squeaked excitedly.

‘And I’ve got my own brother back,’ said J2, shoving a boy who looked rather like Ted through the crowd towards Jonny. ‘Meet Fred. Turns out he had a rough time with Sibling Swap too. Got sent all kinds of funny matches. He’s apologised for putting me on the site, just like you did to Ted, so we’re all good.’

‘Can we see you again?’ Alfie asked. ‘Once you’re better? We might not be proper brothers, but we make an amazing team! I bet you say yes!’

Jonny just grinned at his new and unlikely band of almost-brothers.

‘Better get going, guys,’ Ted said. ‘I’m his big brother and I say the patient needs to rest!’

‘Quite right,’ said a doctor, who had just arrived and was watching the boys. The brothers all promised to keep in touch, waved, grinned, squeaked, saluted, scoffed a few grapes, and then left.

Jonny waved and then winced again.

‘That will be the broken ribs,’ said the doctor.

‘This is Doctor Jones,’ said Ted.

‘And this is my brother!’ said Jonny, pointing at Ted. Crumbs, it felt good to say those words.

‘I know,’ said the doctor. ‘He’s been very worried about you, Jonny – hasn’t left your bedside. You’re lucky. Not all brothers get along so well. Have you always been close?’

Jonny and Ted burst out laughing, with Jonny wincing between giggles.

‘Not always, no,’ said Ted.

‘He gives me lots of wedgies,’ Jonny added.

‘He tried to replace me with that bunch of new brothers he found on the internet,’ said Ted.

‘But I said I was sorry!’ said Jonny. ‘And I nearly got killed for you!’

‘That was pretty stupid, though,’ said Ted. ‘You idiot!’

‘Don’t call me an idiot,’ said Jonny.

‘Ahem!’ said the doctor. ‘You will be able to continue this little discussion at home, but not yet. Jonny, you blacked out for a while, so I want to keep an eye on you a bit longer. Ted, you can take your brother home tomorrow. How does that sound?’

Ted looked at Jonny. For a terrifying second, Jonny wondered if he was going to say, ‘No way! You must be joking! After everything he’s done? Can’t you keep him here?’

Then Ted grinned. ‘That sounds great,’ he said. ‘Right, loser?’

Jonny nodded gratefully. ‘Right!’ he said. ‘Home. With my brother. That sounds like the best idea I’ve heard in a really long time!’