19 Sorrows and Glories

The car ride back to Alvin’s house was incredibly awkward. But the breakup was more or less friendly. It wasn’t until a few weeks later at school that Alvin started to hear the whispers in the hall and the caf about what had happened and why.

“I heard Alistair dumped him cause he wouldn’t put out.”

“I heard it was a pity date, and Alvin was totally ungrateful.”

“Alistair’s, like, totally a catch. Alvin was way out of his league.”

It was frustrating, but nobody ever came to Alvin for any details. And while Alistair didn’t seem to be the source of the rumours, he certainly wasn’t doing anything to stop the talk. He was only concerned with people knowing he hadn’t done anything wrong. As a result, everyone jumped to the conclusion that Alvin must have done something wrong instead. The Trio was sympathetic, but were trying to be neutral. They were friends with both Alistair and Alvin, and they hoped that everything would smooth over soon. The green room became as uncomfortable for Alvin as after their trip to the Village. Alistair was never there for very long, but he was always around. Alvin didn’t know how to talk to him with all the gossip.

Instead, Alvin found himself having lunch on the bleachers again, watching Jesse and the other jocks trying to play soccer on the slippery, frozen field. The first Tuesday of February, Alvin trudged out to his usual spot only to find Rowan already there, discreetly smoking a cigarette out of view of the main building.

“Oh, uh . . . hey,” Alvin greeted him. “I thought your lunch was next period.”

Rowan sat up in surprise, about to flick the cigarette away. He relaxed when he realized it was Alvin. “Oh, yeah. I had to change to a different bio class so I can leave early. Dougherty’s pissed. But there’s not much she can do about it when I have a doctor’s note.”

Rowan held out the cigarette to Alvin, who waved it away.

“Where do you go, anyways?” Alvin put a hand to his mouth. That had come out a lot more bluntly than he had meant it to. But the last couple of weeks had really cut into his patience.

Luckily, Rowan laughed, amused by Alvin’s uncharacteristic boldness. He shook his head as Alvin started to apologize. “No, no, it’s cool. Everyone thinks I skip class for fun, or that I have some mystery illness. When I transferred here last year, there was a rumour I was dealing drugs at other schools.” Rowan gestured toward the field with his cigarette. “I think I can thank Jesse for that one.” He took another drag, looking sideways at Alvin. “The truth is . . . shit, I don’t think anyone ever just asked me before. But, yeah, anyways. There’s no doctor in Mississauga that specializes in transitioning, so I have to go to the city. Right near Glad Day. That’s why I hang out there all the time.”

Alvin nodded. Then, leaning into his newfound bluntness, he said, “That’s pretty shitty. Having to travel all that way.”

Rowan laughed and nodded. “You’re not wrong! But that’s how it is. I’m used to it.”

Alvin sat thoughtfully for a few moments. Then he asked, cautiously, “How come your parents don’t drive you in?”

Rowan didn’t answer right away, and Alvin worried he’d pressed too far. Finally, Rowan stubbed out the cigarette. He swung around so that he was facing the field beside Alvin, their knees brushing. “My parents don’t really know about it. I haven’t talked to them since I moved here.” At Alvin’s look of confusion, Rowan explained, “When I came out, they weren’t exactly supportive. Small town, shitty thinking. So, I moved in with my Aunt Liv. She’s pretty chill. She’s a librarian slash beekeeper slash all-around badass. She doesn’t always get me, but she supports me.”

They sat for a few minutes in silence. Then Rowan leaned over and bumped Alvin playfully with his shoulder. “Okay, that was enough of a downer. Tell me what’s up with you.”

Alvin groaned, putting his hands over his eyes. “Ugh. Definitely not less of a downer.”

“I mean, I heard about you and Alistair.”

“Yeah, that’s part of the problem. Everyone’s heard.”

Rowan shrugged. “It’ll pass. Everyone likes to talk about stuff they don’t know anything about, until the next thing happens.”

Alvin went silent again, brooding.

Rowan bumped him again. “Hey. Tell me about it.”

Alvin took a deep breath and plunged into it. He talked about the hopefulness he’d felt after talking with Alistair the second time on New Year’s. The frustration and uncertainty he’d felt when they’d actually started to date. The feeling he wasn’t good enough, or just wasn’t enough.

Rowan listened to it all patiently, and thoughtfully. He waited until Alvin was done to offer his opinion. “I think that was really brave of you. To admit that it wasn’t working. I don’t know that I would have done that.”

Alvin was shocked. He couldn’t imagine a situation Rowan wouldn’t respond to with casual calm. It couldn’t be that Alvin was the brave one out of the two of them. Shyly, he mimicked Rowan, leaning over to bump him with his shoulder. “You helped me with that, you know. Talking me through it. Just like now.”

Rowan shrugged. He looked embarrassed by Alvin’s attempt at praise. “I remember not having anyone to talk to, when I was going through it — before I even knew what I was going through. I made a lot of bad choices, before and after I started transitioning. Hooking up with Jesse was one of those.” They both snickered, and Rowan turned slightly to look Alvin in the eye as he continued. “I realized, after all that, that sex didn’t make me feel any closer to who I was. I had to figure that shit out for myself. Not from anyone’s approval, or their interest. Does that make sense?”

Alvin nodded. They sat for a while longer, huddled together against the February chill. They didn’t talk about much else, but for Alvin, that was fine. They didn’t need to.