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When Elsa came home, Dafne was drunk.
“Miss Graham!” Elsa was more sad than angry.
“What’s the matter?” Dafne tried to correct her posture, brushing her hair back with her hand.
“Look at yourself.”
“Oh, I see. Now you’re going to start in on me. I bet you think you’re too good for the likes of me.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true! You all hate me because I’m not fun like I used to be. But it’s not my fault. I didn’t start this war. Don’t lecture me.”
“When have I lectured you?”
“When Hal and I got together.”
“That was different.”
“Oh, yes, it was different, so different. You act so pious but you had Glenn long before I had Hal.”
Elsa glared at her. “That is not true, and you know it.”
“I’ve seen the letters. I know you went to see him.”
“It has been a year and a half since you left him.” Elsa refused to feel ashamed of her correspondence with Glenn. “I am sorry Hal does not write you. I never thought he would. But do not blame me. You made your choice.”
She walked back to the door.
“Where are you going?” Dafne’s tone changed quickly from anger to worry.
“I will come back when you are sober.”
Elsa didn’t intend to go far, but her feet carried her quickly south on Park Avenue. She was tired, having just walked back from Sonja’s home—what was left of it.
Dafne’s outburst angered her, especially in the face of what other people were really suffering in these times. Look what Sonja and Christof were going through. Look what Glenn had to endure. Elsa had slim patience for Dafne’s little problems. What right had Dafne to take out her sadness on her?
But then again, perhaps she did have some right. Her accusation may have been false, but how could Elsa argue? She was in love with Glenn, and Dafne knew it. Glenn was out of Dafne’s life now, but her jealousy of Elsa could still fester. Today was only a drunken outburst, but perhaps gave a glimpse of Dafne’s true feelings. Those feelings could lead to real consequences.
Earlier today, Elsa had given all of her savings to Sonja and Christof, hoping it would be enough for them to repair and restock the bakery. Although they tried to refuse her charity, Elsa made them accept for the sake of the children. Ultimately, they called it a loan to placate Christof.
Through her years with the Grahams, Elsa had managed to save most of her small salary. She had considered it a luxury to be paid at all. Her lodging, meals and all her basic necessities had been provided to her. She had no reason to spend the little extra she was paid. Although she had sometimes indulged dreams of what she might have done one day with the money she saved, she could not think of a better use of it than to give it to her sister’s family in their time of need.
Yet she wished she was not so reliant upon Dafne, now of all times. Until yesterday, she could have made it on her own for a little while, if something had happened. Now, if Dafne decided to move on from her, she would have nothing.
The sound of a crowd lured Elsa west to Fifth Avenue. When she got there, she saw a line of people along the side of the street and past them, women marching down the center of the avenue. This march sounded very different from the other marches Elsa remembered. The shouting she heard was happy and jubilant. This was not a march of protest or of demands. This was a march of celebration.
Elsa immediately realized what it was about and smiled. She hurried to join the crowd, hoping her mother was marching and that she might catch a glimpse of her.
New York State had just granted women the right to vote. It was the first eastern state to grant suffrage and seemed sure to portend national suffrage soon. So said the papers, and Elsa’s mother had told her the same. As New York led, the country followed. Elsa had been glad to see her mother involved in the movement again, so as to be able to share in this triumph.
Elsa looked over the bodies ahead of her as the women marched passed—high class women and working women marching together in the unity of their shared cause. Elsa felt inspired. She had seen so many marches—for women’s factory rights, for women’s voting rights, protesting the war. She had even participated in a few, walking beside her mother. A day like this showed that unity of purpose could bring change. Seeing this was an encouraging contrast to the tragedy she saw earlier at her sister’s store.
She spotted her mother, walking beside Rachel Shapiro, holding a banner between them. Elsa waved, trying to get their attention, but they didn’t see her through the crowd. She began to walk on the sidewalk parallel to the march, glancing through the line of onlookers to keep in step with her mother. After a few blocks, Elsa felt as if she was a part of the march. She may not have participated directly in the suffragists’ cause, but this was her success too. She had fought for this in her own way, through her ambition and tenacity.
Elsa was less afraid than just a short time ago when she left Dafne at the apartment. She might soon lose her position with Dafne, either because Dafne no longer wanted her or couldn’t afford her, or—the thought came to her for the first time—because she no longer wanted to work for Dafne. Whatever happened, she would be fine. She didn’t need Dafne. That tenacity that had brought her this far would bring her even further, even if she no longer had a penny to her name.
The march led downtown. Everything was so familiar, yet also so changed. Elsa had mixed feelings about New York City. She didn’t have many good memories here. But being here had taught her priceless things about herself. With everything this city tried to throw at her, for all the times it tried to break her, she had succeeded. She had mastered this place. Whatever it threw at her next, she would take it in stride.
Feeling strong, Elsa allowed herself a moment to indulge her dreams. It had been a long time since she’d done so. For a few years, in Lindenhurst, she felt her dreams had come true and did not think much about the future. After coming back to the city, everything started changing at a rapid pace. It was all her emotions could do to keep up. Recently she had felt she was hanging on to what she had achieved, rather than hoping for more.
She did have more dreams, ones she had not let herself indulge. The feeling of love, which came on her so suddenly before Glenn left for the war, opened new doors in her heart. The serving life was not the final goal, it never had been. What had become of those dreams she and Sonja talked about that day at Ellis Island?
Even in their tragedy, she found that she envied her sister, with the fullness that her children brought her. She envied the bond Sonja shared with Christof, that they could face their tragedy together. Elsa wanted the kind of love that would last through everything.
For the first time, she let herself imagine Glenn as that partner to her. She imagined children with him as their father. It was a foolish dream, but she did not push it away from her mind. She allowed herself the enjoyment of the fantasy.
After all, she thought, looking back at her mother, with Rachel and the other suffragists, where would they all be if a few women had not allowed themselves a foolish dream? It was foolish for them to have believed they could beat the factory bosses and make reforms, but they did. It was foolish to believe they could win the vote—the right having to be voted on by men—but here they were, celebrating that victory.
When the parade ended, Elsa slipped through the crowd and found her mother. Nina was overjoyed to see her there. They walked back to Nina’s apartment in the Lower East Side and made dinner together.
Elsa told her mother what she had done for Sonja and Christof. She would have preferred not to tell—and your heavenly father who sees in secret will reward you—as the scriptures had taught her. But she knew her mother had been worried and she looked so relieved after Elsa told her. Giving her mother that relief was itself a part of her charitable duty. With that strain soothed, Nina talked all evening about the march and the victory of suffrage.
Elsa loved hearing her mother’s enthusiasm. When she visited her mother last year with Glenn, for the first time after returning to the city, she had noticed how much she had aged in their years apart. Now she seemed younger, more energetic. She still worked at the same job, but had found another purpose. Elsa also supposed that Nina’s mother’s instinct was awakened by Sonja’s recent plight. She had always fought to protect her daughters. If Elsa ever found herself in need, she had no doubt her mother would be there for her again too, in any way she could.
Elsa spent the night with her mother and took an uptown train in the morning.
Back at the apartment, she found Dafne in a panic. Dafne had never been alone overnight before. Elsa thought it might have done her good. She could see from the disaster in the kitchen that Dafne had tried to cook for herself. Her bedroom was a complete mess too, with clothes and toiletries strewn about.
Dafne apologized for her outburst, explaining that a message from her parents had upset her. Elsa listened understandingly and forgave her. They embraced. But one more measure of trust had been lost between them.
Elsa resumed her work, cleaning the kitchen and preparing for the coming day. Her tasks were familiar, but it felt different. She felt a fresh independence after yesterday. Even the act of giving away her savings seemed to free her from reliance on it. She would serve Dafne to the best of her ability. She did love her mistress. But she no longer had any illusions that this would last forever. When the change came, she would be ready, and she would succeed again, just as she had done before.